December 8, 2009 7:49 am at 7:49 am #590924c.s.Member
k, so i’m not trying to be a kvetch here, but this SHIDDUCHIM BUSINESS IS JUST DRIVING ME BANANAS.
so basically, because of some technical issues, as minor as they are, i am not getting the type of boys my friends are getting to date.
hello?? like i never went on a date that i came back saying “he’s nice guy, but not for me” they were all just down right WIERD!!! all of them had issues!!! no, i’m being serious, i’m not this skeptic, cynic girl, i promise you that i am not! i am not looking to find problems with these boys that i go out with they are just soooooooooooooo down rite wierd!!!
and i feel like i want to run away, far away from my home,especially from my mother!! she is soo flippin worried sick, that i’ll never get married, she cannot understand why i couldn’t just choose from one of those few wierdo guys i went to.
honestly, who can i badmouth my mother to?? that would be loshon hora!! so , i decided to vent, get it all out of me through this site.
plzz guys, i need your help, i promise i’m not making this up, nor even exaggerating a bit!!
b/c of this technical reason, very very minor, families are hesitant to let their son go out, and rightfully so! when they have got girls banging down doors, why come after me???
i’m this totally normal girl, i was G.O in my school, head of dance, excellent seminary, loads of friends….
and o! how i just watch them go out with these boys, that are sooooo normal, and i’m like “oy! how lucky you are to go out with someone that is not an outcast”
i get all the outcasts!
i’m only 20, and you know what my mother tells me? ” honey, if you don’t get married now, your going to end up single all your life!”
don’t get me wrong, i have this wonderful relationship with my mother, she is warm, caring, and just the best, but the shidduch crisis has literally made her brain a little imbalanced!!
so, my days go about her rambling off “oy, wat a crisis, please honey, make a decision, wats so hard?”
and inside, i’m twisting and turning, and i want to scream, and yell, and just run out of my beautiful home. I JUST DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE! I JUST DON’T WANT MY PARENTS TREATING ME LIKE I HAVE THIS CHRONIC ILLNESS!!!
guys, can you plzz give me CHIZUK? ADVICE? something??!?!
perhaps i’m the one at fault???
if you can respond, i promise you it will alleviate so much of my inner screaming.
and also remember, i do have friends that i talk to this about, but there are two problems, i can never mention that my mothers insane behavior towards shidduchim just wants me to run way, because that would be loshon hora, and secondly: how much can they take it already! i feel bad always venting out to them.
once again, tell me someting!! anything! a joke even! i donno!December 8, 2009 10:38 am at 10:38 am #669521skatesMember
C.S, my first reaction was a bit of a wonderment…20 yr old panicking already? but truth be told the shidduch system can stress any girl at any age out!!! and it doesn’t help when your mother adds to that tension but being overly worried about you “being single whole life”.
I know girls who got married at 23 with boys who are 23, the girls had to wait for the boy to grow up and start dating lol
I know of girls who got so pressured into getting out of the “single” stage that they married too quickly, without real introspection as to whether they really felt comfortable with the boy or not. some got divorced, while some are unhappy with their marriage and going to counsling ( im not saying that this doesn’t happen to those who get married later or those who arn’t so young) but the factor leading to the above mentioned divorces is the recognition after the wedding, party, balloons, pictures ect that this boy isnt’ really for them, or this boy lacks middos but they overlooked that cuz they JUST NEEDED to get married!!
Chas Veshalom don’t put urself in such a matzav!!
you deserve to feel comfortable with your spouse and not deem him “weird”
The question is when do u say” im not going out with this boy anymore” and when “i’ll give him another chance”…I think im gona go with yoshi and say that mayb give some of boys you date a 2nd date, 2nd chance.
I know myself…I have dated a boy whom i thought was too blunt and strange on first date, only to realize that he was very nervious and on 2nd date it was much better.
Things didn’t work out for other reason…however i was glad i gave it another date to know for sure!
I have a friend who also has “technical issues”, nothing she did or cud do about, nothing that would really reflect on who she is and what great person she is…however
she gets redt boys 10 years older than her!!
thats where i stepped in and tried to see if i can redt her shidduchim…
so my advice to you….FIND A DIFF SHADCHAN! or a family friend who cares and wants to look out for you! don’t be embarressed telling family relatives and friends what ur looking for….they might suggest s/o “normal” and they might present your “situation” to the other side with more optimism and in a more respectabler manner so that others can overlook any technical issues and see you for the great girl that you are and for what u have to bring to the table!
and last, DON’T panick, daven to Hashem because HE KNOWS what He’s doing!! He knows right time and right place and right boy for you…so daven to Him!! and then relax, because you know He’ll take care of you. as long as u do your hishtadlus and be reasonable in your decisions Hashem won’t leave you hanging!!
We shud hear only simchas from everyone!December 8, 2009 10:42 am at 10:42 am #669522skatesMember
I also want to mention that I had a friend whose mother was very enforcing as to what kind of boys my friend went out with. She vented to me because though i can’t quot for sure from chofetz chaim, but i did learn in seminary that if s/o wants to unburdent themselves to you, you can listen to them but your mechuyav to also be dan lechaf zechus other person( which is easy in this case…its mother’s love and worry)
However, in my friend’s case i encouraged her to speak to trust worthy adults/Rov and she got practical advice as to how to navigate shidduch process.
she’s much older than you but is B”h just got engaged!!December 8, 2009 2:52 pm at 2:52 pm #669523positiveaynayimMember
I think it is crucial for you to have a woman mentor, and a Rov you can speak to. Your mother is very emotionally invested, and it seems to cloud her ability to be able to face shidduchim without worrying. That can get in the way of making level headed decisions, and be supportive to you and your needs. Speaking to a Rov and mentor is not loshon hora when you are going for hadrocha. They can also help you with the way you communicate with your mother so that maybe it will balance the mood and you’ll be able to make good decisions, and reach out to other people who will understand you and help you in this parsha.
I strongly suggest you network with people that are going to understand you and what you are looking for. It can lead to burnout if you keep going to people who are not going to take the time to understand what it is you are truly looking for.
Much hatzlocha-and as others have said, keep davening to the Ribono Shel Olam-He the One that is mizaveg zivugim all day, and knows what it is you truly need.December 8, 2009 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #669524youdontknowmeMember
C.S.: What about the boys is weird? I think most people have problems dealing with their parents regarding shidduchim. It’s supposed to be so easy for boys to get dates, yet my parents have been trying to get me to go out with the same couple of girls that I don’t want to go out with. I even had to remind them once that the girl they wanted me to go out with got married the week before (I think they were invited to the wedding). Parents always think they know what’s best for their kids, they’ve known you since you were born and probably seen you do a lot of stupid things (we all do). It’s not easy for them to see you as an adult capable of making mature decisions without their help. In my case I have people other than my parents that can find dates for me. I still ask my parents advice and they manage to say the opposite of what I want to hear a lot and they happen to be right a frustrating amount of times.
In any case I agree with the other posts about giving some boys a second date even if they seemed weird. I know I’ve said things on first dates that I never would have imagined I would say. If your mother sees that you’re giving every guy a fair chance maybe she’ll realize that you’re not the problem.December 8, 2009 3:30 pm at 3:30 pm #669525mybatMember
You are really probably going through a lot and you might think that your friends are going out with these “great” guys and you’re getting all the weirdos. But don’t believe everything you hear. You don’t know these “great” guys and you don’t know how they would treat their wives and families, so just because the guys you went out with seem weird(I can’t judge because I don’t know them) use your common sense and beezrat Hashem you will find your zivug who will be a good husband and a good father to your children.December 8, 2009 4:59 pm at 4:59 pm #669526gavra_at_workParticipant
A different tack (although youdontknowme has some good advice):
Try to go out with someone who is normal, instead of someone who fits into the box of what you are looking for. Is 5 years in Kollel that neccessary versus just 2 (just as an example). Someone who wants to live OOT is also given a short stick (even though they are normal for everything else :-), perhaps that is the direction you should try.
If you are willing to look outside the box that has been created for you by society & Sem, you will Bezras Hashem find many normal boys who just don’t have an exact “fit” into our current society’s expectations, but who will make an amazing spouse and father who will buld a home of Torah.
B’hatzlacha and may we hear simchos.
G@WDecember 8, 2009 11:18 pm at 11:18 pm #669527strivingMember
So I’m 20 and single too. It’s sad that at 20 we feel this pressure that if we’re not engaged now, we’re never getting married.
Obviously, when thinking out this from a logical perspective, there is still hope for us to get married (lol). I mean we’re only 20 years old, for heaven’s sake! But at the same time, this shidduch crisis stuff is being shoved down our throats and we have to read about it in all the frum newspapers, magazines, and websites and (at least for me) spend some time commiserating with friends about fears of spinsterhood (chas v’shalom). (haha sorry about the run-on sentence to all you grammar noticers out there)
I mean personally, when it comes down to it, I realize that no matter how you look at it, 20 is NOT OLD and is in no way a time to start despairing (well no time is really a good time to start despairing ;-))
In terms of your mom’s slightly warped perspective, as others have mentioned, a lot of moms get kind of weird when it comes to shidduchim. Deep down they want what’s best for us, but their personal fears can get in the way of that real goal.
For example, I know a girl with a pretty crazy family situation where shidduchim were not being redt to her, period. She finally got a date with a guy who had serious issues. After the first date, she was totally not into it, but her mom kept encouraging her to go out with him more and she went out with him twice more even though she knew it wasn’t for her. That’s because to her mom, her daughter getting married would be a huge relief, a problem out of the way. Because her mother was so obsessed with the family situation and the urgency of getting her daughter married, she was blinded to the importance of looking out for her daughter’s best interests.
At the same time, though, you mentioned that you are going out with “outcasts.” Just because according to our scrutinizing society someone is considered an “outcast” – due to family circumstances, etc, doesn’t mean that he isn’t a great person. Take my friend for instance, she doesn’t get set up because of her family situation, but she’s a phenomenal person. It’s important to look past society’s views and try to see the person for who they are.
Anyways, other people have mentioned this but I’ll say it too. I think it’s so important to have a teacher/mentor to be able to speak to about all this stuff – someone who you can also discuss issues you’re having with your mom, etc. It’s important to have someone who is looking out for your best interests totally and is not so emotionally involved (like your mom). I have a teacher who I discuss dates with because she’s more objective than my mom is.
Good luck with everything and I hope that you find your bashert b’shaa tovah u’mutzlachas!December 8, 2009 11:52 pm at 11:52 pm #669528bein_hasdorimParticipant
c.s.; I’m sorry to hear that you’re only dating weirdos, though I can tell you
that you are getting at least 40% of the market redt to you. 40% are weird!
I am embarrassed to say I was lol, at your venting, for it reminded be back in the
good old days when I was dating, although they weren’t all weirdos,
most of them were totally not my type. It was verryyy frustrating, and my parents
were pressuring me to just take any girl, despite that they were not what I was looking for.
Do not give in, wait till you find that normal boy that your looking for.
I do agree that some boys and girls may come off as weird the first time around,
being nervous, uncomfortable etc.. but usually they warm up to you,
or they stay weird, beware of the latter.
So I wish you hatzlocha, parents many times lose themselves in their personal
struggles comparing themselves with friend and family that have already
married off and can unintentionally come off as being hurtful, insensitive,
and unreasonable, their human too! Don’t be direspectful, just understand
their frustrations, and don’t get pressured to take a boy that you are not happy with.
Sometime you have to go through some odd stuff, till you get to the right stuff.
Like shopping. only longer and more expensive. with an unforgiving return policy.
may we never know of that! 😉December 9, 2009 1:47 am at 1:47 am #669529c.s.Member
you guys are soooo caring!!!
i was not expecting more than a paragraph from all, yet, everysingle one of you wrote me a loooong warm hearted letter!!
i am so moved!!
you took out time from you schedule to reply.
thank you thankyou!
and yes, i will take talk to
a rav or mentor
understand that my parents are only human.
tizku l’mitzvos!!!December 9, 2009 6:36 pm at 6:36 pm #669530bptParticipant
From your post, several things come across:
2) GO and head of dance, ect? Again, same phenomena; you are simply outshining the boys in your age group. Yes, they knew all about your accomplishments, and the shaddchan presented you in your true colors, and it looked very good on paper, but when confronted with someone as dynamic as you most likely are, the boys (which is what they really are) simply freeze, and say dumb things.
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