growing for a guy

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    what is your opinion on this. I don’t mean making compromises, i mean serious hashkafa and complete changes without the assitance of a rabbi or mentor?


    um what?


    I think its always better with a rav/hadracha but not all guys are zocheh to that

    So if they can’t, as long as there’s a real mekor from a sefer of someone widely accepted (ie mishna brura, the gr”a, etc) hopefully it’s all good growth

    its still better to have a mentor to help them decide what to do first etc to not take on too much too fast, but again not everyone is zocheh to that even if they try

    would be nice if klal yisrael could set up a system of mentors taking on/seeking out 20 students to be madrich – even so I imagine there would be a deficit…


    Why davka without a mentor?

    Nobody (not saying this in the context of guys, because I have zero experience- just in general) is worth making you change- unless you would want to anyway. Doing something completely for someone else just causes resentment.

    Imagine if a guy asked you to wear a purple sheitel because he likes it. Would you do it automatically? People think that because something involves spiritual growth it should be a given that you just do it, but just like anything else it can involve emotional upheaval and require readiness that may not yet be achieved.

    Work at your own pace.


    You are talking about moving from one system to another. This means you will be switching rabbis, at least slowly. For the particulars you will have a rabbi, but as for your destination, you will be going on your own until you land.

    Very often your current rabbi will recognise a sincere desire to move on and he will encourage you, and can give you guidance until you lock in to the next tower. This is obviously not always the case, though. Perhaps you should reach out to someone from your destination Hashkafa as a guide for rate of climb/descent.


    lol ok I didnt explain thst properly at all!

    I mean to say I know of someonr whose in a span of a few weeks gone from not frum to extremly frum but externally. wyickly changed her clothes. and basiclly she has no clue the whole bais yaakov community she just is following everyhing this boy does. I dont really know how to react. its obviously not my plce to get involved so I told her to find a mentor but shes not being proactive about that.

    im concerned that shes growing for this boyand this boy is moulding her to fit the type of girl he wants. but you can mould your basheret Hashem creates our besheret


    OURtorah: Okay, so I seem to have understood this differently than HaLeiVi and dveykus did. I thought that as you’re a girl, you were talking about changing in order to fit the criteria some guy (in shidduchim) is looking for, or for a specific guy you’re dating. They say that it’s about a guy changing.

    I guess the options are covered, otherwise I echo what PBA said.

    dveykus: How could there be organized mentor groups? You can’t assign someone to a mentor- the point is that it should be someone the person individually decides s/he wants to emulate. It can’t be assigned because everyone is different and requires different things of a mentor.


    Are they boyfriend-girlfriend? Engaged? Married? It makes a big difference. If they’re engaged or married it should be a good thing. If they’re dating, I’ve never seen it end well when a girl changes herself in the hopes of ‘deserving’ a guy.


    they are dating.

    writersoul: I agree 100% i just want to know what i do as someone shes approaching for help. I want to guide her to mentor or rabbi who will help her sort out her own problems

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕

    The entire situation seems to spell disaster.


    I know DY!! ITS SO BAD what do I do?


    i dont think she should be dating any1 right now.

    She seems like to lack a strong sense of self.

    if she marries this guy, theres a good when she “wakes up”(passes the honeymoon stage) she’s gonna be full resentment.

    Good luck


    tell her to stay away from him like the plague. as soon as she changes in a way that is not to his liking (molding is the word you used) he will dump her like yesterdays trash. she should save herself the heartache and dump him now.

    Shopping613 🌠


    She needs to find a mentor, a teacher, or someone.

    Maybe sit down with her and ask her if she understands why she is getting frummmer and the reason behind every new thing she is taking on. Ask her if she understands why she is doing it, ex. If she stopped watching movies, does she know why you shouldn’t watch them? And why she stopped? And the source of the assur?

    When she davens, does she feel anything????

    Explain to her that you would like to help her, but since your only her age [I’m guessing, right?] you do understand what you are doing and everything, but have your own questions and aren’t to that level where you can help her with hers.

    Explain to her that the best help you can give her is to tell her to find a mentor or teacher and give her ideas on how to find one…..[ex. offer her to go to her favorite teacher from high school or sem or however old you people are]

    Though tell her [this is only if you can do it] that you can help by being there for her, listening to her vent, and telling what you know.

    Now if this girl cannot have a mentor for some reason or another. Than if you have the time and energy, maybe you could learn a little how to help her from your own mentor. Ask her how to mentor someone if she is unable to go to someone else.

    Or you can offer your friend, at the worst possible case that any questions and doubts, you can ask someone in your name and tell her the answers

    Good luck



    Do you know anything about the guy? I can’t imagine the typical guy looking for a BY type (?) girl would be interested in someone who has little experience with a frum lifestyle. I would love to know what the view is from the other side of things, cuz it doesn’t seem pretty. :-/ (Technically, you can talk to someone he has some connection to, but that might not be a great idea for anyones sake… Without knowing many details, the whole thing sounds very sticky on a few levels, please keep your safety in the matter a number one priority.)


    Shopping613 🌠

    Thank you mods!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    {keyboard is broken, I would do exclamation marks but I can’t….}Yes, but I can. You can copy and paste for next time.

    I really appreciate it!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Maybe you can keep that in mind that sometimes you just need to cut out a line or paragraph and everything is OK instead of making me retype everything excluding one line of paragraph….Sometimes we don’t have time. Editing is much more time consuming than approving or deleting. I would advise you to save all long posts on your computer.

    I can see why you didn’t want that there….you guyz decided the CR wasn’t gonna become a DMC place…smart!!!!!

    Thanks again!!!!! You are very welcome.


    Welcome back, Shopping!

    Hey, why can’t we have dmc’s here?!


    Shopping613 🌠

    Didn’t you realize after that whole big thing with me and you and OURtorah and a few others they stopped letting in stuff like that….

    It’s annoying, but it’s their decision and I also think we had gotten a little personal for the world wide web…..

    I know mods, but if you are in middle of reading, let’s say that post, and I went a wrote a whole thing on how I can relate and it got too personal for you guys (I thank you for keeping me in check, I used to regret posting certain things) it takes one button to delete that paragraph and move on. no it doesn’t

    In that case it was only a personal paragraph that was the problem and I understand you don’t have time when it’s something bigger and not just one part….


    hi TAOM and Shopping! Im not looking to get too personal, im simply asking for advice. its a very bad situation!!

    🍫Syag Lchochma

    I thought the thread title was “growing, for a guy”



    Maybe the kedusha of the mitzvos she is doing will change her into a truly good person…?

    There is a chazal that says this, but I dont remember what it is.

    Shopping613 🌠

    What did you think of my advice?


    shopping ur idea is great but I dont have time. I learn with other girls and u go to university. i offered to help her find but shesnot motivated to which makes me worried about her desicions.

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