guilt in saying no.

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  • This topic has 15 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 12 years ago by more.
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  • #602265
    yedisha zach
    Member

    After going out several times, I ended the shidduch. I feel bad that I said no because I know that the other party was very interested. I know I made the right decision and I have no regrets. The shidduch was not for meant for me. Should I feel guilty for ending it? Maybe I led the other party on to think I was enjoying myself and that maybe it was shayach. I don’t like to hurt anyone and I feel bad. Anyone have any insights or eitzas on this matter?

    #856386
    zeena.kasta
    Member

    Ofcourse it will be hard for the other party, but it was positive in the long run. My opinion is that it is better to break an engagement (however embarresing) than divorcing with kids…

    #856387
    more
    Member

    If your not interested, no reason to go further. you made the right decision by ending it where you felt you had to end it. I have dealt with a number of shidduchim. I’m no proffessional shadchan however I can tell you after saying no to an interested party, I cannot tell you how many times this has happened time and time again. sth better has come up for them. and they are very greatful the last one ended. It’s natural for both parties to feel pulled on both ends -in different ways, of course. however that being said whatever is meant to be is absolutely meant for the best! If you daven to hashem for clarity you can’t go wrong -have confidence in your emunah and you won’t go wrong. don’t know if you got that last line.. but I hope it helps.

    Hatzlocha Raba. may your personal redemtion be upon you bekorov! AMEN!

    #856388
    more
    Member

    Yiddishe Zach, Your pofile doesn’t come up on YWN… can you post the link to your profile.

    thanks.

    #856389
    Think first
    Member

    Yedishazach— I understand saying no to an interested party is hard and like u mentiond can make you feel bad. Natural. Normal. In fact it shows a sensitivity of you to care that the other party may have felt by ur decision.

    However, you should realize that its extremely short, people get over it quickly once it settles in their mind that if the date didnt feel its right obviously they’re not the one he or she is meant to marry.

    Secondly, understand that whom you marry is a big desicion and one should never move forward because they can’t say no. So you did the right thing, and no need to feel bad.

    Isn’t that the purpose of dating?

    #856390
    Sam2
    Participant

    Ad’raba. You should feel guilty if you say yes when you shouldn’t. No matter what, as long as you made the right decision it will turn out best for both of you in the long run.

    #856391
    more_2
    Member

    Yiddishe Zach, I kind of don’t understand your guilt, you gave it a fair chance, it’s not like you said no, before even going out. So theres no reason to feel guilty, it’s simply not meant to be. You can’t eat yourself away at it. You’ve made your decision and theres no going back. I’m sure the rejected party has moved on so can you there is No reason to feel bad!

    #856392
    more_2
    Member

    Also what made you decide to go out several times with them? Were you not sure/ did you just feel bad saying no so you kept on going out?

    #856393
    yedisha zach
    Member

    Thank you all for the words of encouragement. =Just to answer some questions:

    From the beginning there were several things that bothered me, but I always like to give the other party a second chance and there were positive qualities. However,for several reasons it was just not shayach. After each date, the other party made it very obvious that they enjoyed and would very much like to continue. I feel bad that they showed their cards- or put their heart on their sleeve and then I said no. I guess that’s just life. I have no regrets. I just feel bad. I hope they are not “killing” themselves over the last date , trying to figure out why it was a no go and if they did something wrong. You also never know what the shadchan told them and I guess there is no way to being dropped without pain.

    #856394
    more_2
    Member

    Yidisha Zach, are you a guy or a girl?

    #856395
    more
    Member

    you should have said no after 2 dates then, If you had 12 dates and then sadly let them down that is what I would say leading them on. also if you found out negative info before dating the girl or guy, just don’t date them full stop who’s time are you trying to waste and who’s ego are you trying to build? A secind chance is understandable but a 12th chance is leading them on..

    #856396
    dash™
    Participant

    Yiddishe Zach, Your pofile doesn’t come up on YWN… can you post the link to your profile.

    How is this relevant to the topic.

    #856397
    Shrek
    Member

    if you are a sensitive person, you will feel the other person’s pain when you say “no”. But what’s the alternative? Getting married to someone so you don’t hurt their feelings?!?

    maybe this relationship will help you be more clear for the future about what really matters to you. It’s good you were honest with yourself.

    #856398
    TheGoq
    Participant

    More 2 i think the op phrased their posts so as not to reveal what gender they are i think its best if we dont probe.

    #856399
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant
    #856400
    more
    Member

    Thanks Coffee Addict;)

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