H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-!
Home › Forums › Decaffeinated Coffee › H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-!
- This topic has 79 replies, 38 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by opinionated-2.
July 24, 2012 8:59 pm at 8:59 pm #888488
Postsem and yummy – I don’t think it is fair of you both to slam dora for saying something you either misunderstood, or just don’t agree with. I was also older when I got married and was a very hard person to match so I am speaking as one of that bunch. Dora is correct in what she said and you are free to feel differently. But I have to tell you, and you both know that I have never spoken to either of you about shidduchim so I am saying it more generally, just because you think you want to get married does NOT mean you do. Being offended doesn’t change that. It isn’t an insult, it’s a mindset. And lots of girls will not admit they married their fathers even five years after the fact.
If you disagree, feel free to do so, but why not throw your opinion into the pot instead of making her take hers back.
dora – I don’t remember if I agreed with your words back then or not, but I have certainly learned a lot since then. One lone ‘yea’ vote from the farms in the midwest.July 24, 2012 9:00 pm at 9:00 pm #888489gefenParticipant
Postsem: U are 2 cute! I’m still laughing at what you just wrote.
Yummy and your “little sis” are also laughing.
I really don’t get this dora person.July 24, 2012 9:21 pm at 9:21 pm #888490yummy cupcakeMember
postsem, you are quite the crack up!
dora- i don’t think its true at all that girls wanna marry someone like their father. it totally depends on who the girl has become by the time she is ready to look for a husband. by the time a girl is 20, lets say, she has gone through so much change and growth (hopefully), and school and her peers have helped her further develop and realize what she truly wants in life. not necessarily will that be exactly what her father is. (and no, i’m not saying that either way is the way it is for most girls. i just don’t think you could make a general statement.)July 24, 2012 10:09 pm at 10:09 pm #888491yummy cupcakeMember
so that’s it. i don’t agree. end of my posts on this thread. bye 🙂July 24, 2012 10:34 pm at 10:34 pm #888492ovadiayosefrocksParticipant
HAPPY2BALIVE-It says in the Gemorra Bava Kama that whoever davens for his friend and he needs the same thing he will get answered first. I therefore recommend for you to join a group davenforme.org. Check it out and let me know what you think about this great group. Hatzlocha!July 24, 2012 10:49 pm at 10:49 pm #888493
so that’s it. i don’t agree. end of my posts on this thread. bye 🙂
how very mature 🙂July 24, 2012 11:25 pm at 11:25 pm #888494postsemgirlMember
I Wasn’t trying to be cute. I am seriously confused. I am not one of those girls who just got back from seminary and is high in the clouds. I’ve been through a lot. Anyone who knows me can back me up on that. I am not one of those people who has a checklist of what the boy needs to be. I’ve been hurt by the system and right now I am very open minded. I still don’t think it is fair to say that if I am not married it means I don’t want to be.July 24, 2012 11:41 pm at 11:41 pm #888495mamarochelcryMember
sorry guys – DF has a point and i experienced it first hand! about a year ago i dated a guy a few times and i really liked him but i was scared and had alot going on in my life at that point and i couldnt bring myself to take the next step. i picked on extremely dumb things that i didnt like and acted all weird and cold to him on the last date and i subconsiously didnt let it progress…we both went our seperate ways… obviously everything is bashert and it wasnt meant to be (at that time at least) now almost a year later i think about him every day and live with this sick regret…i cant bring myself to find out if he would want to pick it up again cuz i think he probably hates me….point is i think df is right and alot of times (not all the time) people will pick on dumb things because they dont really want it for whatever reason 🙁 you dont have to settle you just have to know what u really waiting for.July 25, 2012 12:39 am at 12:39 am #888496gefenParticipant
postsem: sorry. I hope I didn’t insult you by saying ur comment was funny. I really do get what ur saying and as I already said, I’m on ur side. I have no doubt that you really want to get married. May Hashem send your bashert very soon!!! (will u invite me to dance at ur wedding?)
syag: if u saw one my previous posts, i said that I, too got married late. I really don’t feel it’s because i was afraid of commitment or didn’t want to get married. I wanted very badly to get married!!! I also did NOT marry my father. My husband is NOTHING like my father! I think people are making too many generalizations here. what they’re saying might be true for some but you can’t speak for everyone.July 25, 2012 12:47 am at 12:47 am #888497
mamarochelcry: For Heaven’s sake !! If you don’t pick up that darn phone and find out if he’s interested, Mama Rochel will have what to cry about!!
Take the leap. You’re a true-hearted and honest girl. He knows that. The worst that will happen is that he will say no. He will not disdain you for having the guts to make the call.
Tell him you were feeling insecure at the time and therefore you pushed him away. You have felt bad about it, and you hope you didn’t hurt him. You have come to some understanding, and would really welcome the chance to try again, if he wants to give you a second chance. Just be real. If he says ‘no’, you will finally lay it to rest, yourself. If he says ‘no’ in a way that let’s you know you hurt him, tell him with some real feeling that you want him to please forgive you for hurting him.
He may wish you the best, and hang up. But then he may find that you are haunting HIS thoughts. You really never know. We are such sensitive creatures. Give life a chance. Mazal and Bracha.July 25, 2012 1:17 am at 1:17 am #888498
PostSemGirl. Please don’t assume everything I say is applicable specifically to you. These are just generalizations, and considerations. No one makes all the mistakes. But many people make some mistake(s). Just examine the message, and see if it has meaning for your own particular situation.
I do completely agree with you. There is absolutely nothing fair about the system.
At no time in history was life particularly fair to all the people, all of the time. So we do what we have to do, in order to survive.
If there is any bitterness, it’s very natural. But still try to throw all your trust in Hashem. I have found that when I have overcome my anxiety or negative thoughts, and finally stated to myself and Hashem that I am now fully placing my trust in Him, good things happen. There are no obstacles for Him. He can work with the numbers. And He knows some good guys. But when that good guy shows up at your door, in whatever (reasonable) condition, drag him into the house, lock the door, and get your shotgun. Proceed to escort him to the chupah.July 25, 2012 1:45 am at 1:45 am #888499whaleboyMember
There has been something bothering me for a while. I have a few single friends that I have set up on numerous occasions with different girls. I am talking about setting up over fifteen matches in the past year.
A common occurrence that I am hearing pretty often, is the guy comes back from the date and says “the girl was to quite”. I speak to the girl/mother/friend and get always hear “yeah, she’s quite at first but will eventually open up.” One mother just to told me “My daughter has so many other ma’alos.(which, in fact, she does!) Why are boys so into personality?”
This really bothers me! You’re twenty six, you didn’t have a date in five months- maybe chat the guy up a bit?!?!
If its not your “personality”, maybe change a drop?! I would much rather convince the guy that the girl isn’t such a chatter box, than hand-twist him into giving it another shot when the date was a dud!
I am aiming this complaint specifically at girls, since unfortunately they are having the harder time at getting dates. If it hasn’t been working (as in the past seven years), risk it! Move out of your comfort zone!July 25, 2012 2:11 am at 2:11 am #888500
Whaleboy. You make sense, but it’s not as simple as you think. Quiet girls: How about preparing a long list of great topics or start-up questions before a date. Practice with yourself or a friend. Get a pep talk from a supportive friend 10 minutes before the date. A shot of whiskey even. A good hug. Whatever!
A warm smile into his eyes will make him help you.July 25, 2012 2:15 am at 2:15 am #888501Emes0102Member
mamarochelcry- just in the past two weeks ive heard about 4 friends that were dumped after 9-12 dates…i can only assume if it was allowed to progress so far that it was dropped because they were scared to commit (im sure there are exceptions)…most of these guys are hoping that sooner then later these girls will overcome their fears/doubts and pick up their phones…i have also heard many such stories recently…i agree wholeheartedly with dorafelder on this one..at most youll get a no but know that you did your partJuly 25, 2012 2:42 am at 2:42 am #888502
As dora explained, she was making general statements because she was speaking generally. She never accused yummy or postsem of doing this, she stated a very real problem that exists and most people who do this can NOT identify it in themselves anyway. Her recommendation was to look hard and see if it applies. If not, than be grateful. Why twist her words and tell her she is wrong just because you don’t find this issue to be yours? It IS out there and no post listed any of us by name as the afflicted.July 25, 2012 3:49 am at 3:49 am #888503YitzhakbMember
You do not need a shidduch you need a husband. Try this:
Make a list of what you think is your ideal shidduch. Put it aside. 48 hours later make a list of what you want in a husband and would be father of your children (ken yirbu). Then compare the two. It’s your perspective that is important in getting married.July 25, 2012 4:01 am at 4:01 am #888504SaysMeMember
Its not exclusively the reason, agreed. and to say as a broad generalization that these are the reasons any single older girl is not married is 100% unfair and wrong. Cant blame the girl who’s only been suggested 4 dates in 2 yrs! And yes, there has to be a compatability and comfort beyond the ‘list’. But a lot can be built after marriage through work and stretching. But these reasons still are the case often.
whaleboy- Its a personality and not neccesarily a bad one. I’ve had and heard the same story but almost exclusively with reversed roles, with the boy being shy at first and the girls dismissing them as too quiet.July 25, 2012 4:19 am at 4:19 am #888505postsemgirlMember
Sorry if you felt attacked dora. I don’t appreciate generalizations. There are too many people who say the shidduch crisis is because of this or the shidduch crisis is because of that. Every single person who is in this “crisis” is an individual and there is no one way to fix it.
And Gefen I wasn’t insulted. Don’t you worryJuly 26, 2012 2:48 am at 2:48 am #888506
You have me thinking. Always a dangerous thing for me to do. I have a life-coach for a little business I am trying to run. She has saved me more than once from making the wrong move. I do it, even though it’s a tad embarrassing, as I’m no youngster.
What would I do if I had a hard time with the dating scene. Let’s say I was a quiet girl or guy, like you are discussing. There are boatloads of people that don’t perform well on a first date, or on dates in general.
What about a life-coach for dating, to give chizzuk and tips before a date, and constructive criticism after. Any savvy social worker with some good life experience could be helpful. Just the moral support alone could go a long way. I am not planning to hang out a shingle any time soon, but maybe some people should get more into this.
I would do it as a chesed, if anybody thinks I can be of help.July 31, 2012 1:14 am at 1:14 am #888507AsehHarbeiParticipant
Dora, your thoughts are appreciated. As a quiet girl, I haven’t found any real help for the dating process. But I do see that the boys that can overlook it and wait for me to open up are more for me anyways. I’ve gotten better at figuring out who to date. The difficulty is when the quiet girl wants to go out with the boy with personality. It’s just a lot to try for and may never work for her. I have a friend like this. She just can’t consider someone who is like herself. It’s really rough going.June 25, 2020 12:32 am at 12:32 am #1876299
Happy2Be, I have quite a few girlfriends who got married at 24 years old to amazing boys and they’re so happy now. One I believe was 25.
Just be open-minded and DO NOT turn down shidduchim without a VERY good reason
Ask advice if you need to.
And you will soon be married.
Let us know when it happens.June 25, 2020 1:02 am at 1:02 am #1876307SchnitzelBigotParticipant
I think a disturbance just happened in the time-space continuum.July 10, 2020 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #1881193bsharg2Participant
“You do not need a shidduch you need a husband. Try this:
Make a list of what you think is your ideal shidduch. Put it aside. 48 hours later make a list of what you want in a husband and would be father of your children (ken yirbu). Then compare the two. It’s your perspective that is important in getting married.”
That is great advice. I think it does help to think of what you would want in a husband and father of your children.
For both girls and boys: the earlier you start dating, the better. There’s really no way around this. It’s not the fault of “the system”. I find it annoying when people start blaming “the system” for their lack of success. Biologically, the younger you are, the more attractive you are to the opposite sex. It’s how Hashem made us. We are meant to marry early. Hashem is in charge of the world. Not us. Stop trying to fight it. There is a reason it is the way it is. If Hashem wanted us to marry when we are old, then he would have had us age in reverse.
Start early and you won’t regret it.July 10, 2020 5:09 pm at 5:09 pm #1881247commonsaychelParticipant
@bsharg2, 40 days after the vlad, Hashem said plony le bas plony, stop spouting idiotic statements of what Hashem want us to do, you not a NaviJuly 18, 2020 10:40 pm at 10:40 pm #1883323MaivinParticipant
Say the Tefilla of the Chida daily, it is a really special teffilah to find a Zivug. The Gemora says the gates of tears where never shut… cry to HaShem to help you find the right shidduch at the right time. Also as the Gemara says davening for ones freind that is is the same plight will have ones own teffilad answered first, get a friend to daven for you and more importantly daven for a friend that also needs a shudduch. Remember both of these rights have already been predecided don’t worry do your hishtadlus and date. Sometimes it may be that there is a gezaira on how many biys you may first have to go out with. Always remember that just as you got out of bed this morning so did your zivug. There is only one person that can be your zivug. He is somewhere and might have not even entered shidduchim yet…. (though unlikely). Just remember there is only one in charge and only one zivug EVREYONE ELSE IS NOT FOR YOU. All you friends that have gotten married… their husbands were 100% not for you.
A single boyJuly 23, 2020 12:29 am at 12:29 am #1885797KilaolomchasdoParticipant
I also have a lot of married buddies while I’m still single. When I spoke with a rebbe about my pain, he pointed out to me two things: 1) He asked if I could tell the difference between the people i know who got married right away or the people who needed to wait a bit first to get married. Once it happens, you can’t even see the difference.
2) In shiur hamaalos we say אֶת־שִׁיבַ֣ת צִיּ֑וֹן הָ֜יִ֗ינוּ כְּחֹֽלְמִֽים. What does it mean that it’ll be “כְּחֹֽלְמִֽים” when mashiach comes? It means that all these years of gallus will feel “like a dream,” meaning once the gallus is over, it’ll feel as if it never happened. Likewise, once you be”H get married (which you do have a bashert, as Hashem promised), all the pain you went through will also be “like a dream.”
Lemaisah, once you’re going through this hand-crafted challenge, use it as an opportunity for growth. That’s what Hashem wants us to do. This challenge combined with the current caronavirus situation is the perfect opportunity to work on your bitachon for example (which is very important in life). Of course, see how this situation has PERSONALLY affected you, and look for ways to PERSONALLY grow from it (i.e. I can’t tell you why Hashem is putting you through this nissayon, but ask yourself ways you personally can grow from it). Ask not “Why is Hashem doing this to me?” Rather ask “Why is Hashem doing this FOR me?”
Now, all you need to do is make sure you’re putting in the CORRECT hishtadlus, and then you’ll know whatever is happening is for the best, because Hashem is in charge, and He’s taking care of you. To know what the correct Hishtadlus is, I highly reccomend you check out R’ Bentzion Shaifer’s (rabbi from “The Shmuz”) seminar on Shidduchim. Everything he gets is from Torah sources and from the mesorah of R’Heanach Leibowitz ZTZL, and it really is solid advice. Hatzlochah! I wish you the very best!July 23, 2020 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm #1886249
I’m so curious whether she got married in the endJuly 24, 2020 12:58 pm at 12:58 pm #1886353KilaolomchasdoParticipant
Oh wow, didn’t realize this from 2011… Ha ha!July 28, 2020 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #1887575NechomahParticipant
Here is for opinionated-2
February 19, 2014 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm
Hey everyone. I’m a kallah!July 28, 2020 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm #1887664
Oh but actually the OP is “Happy2BAlive” not PostsemgirlJuly 28, 2020 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm #1887663
Oh thanks!!! Baruch Hashem.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.