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Am I a rasha? I feel that the more an aveira is commited, the less I feel bad about it and dont know if my teshuva is sincere. I dont want to be a rasha, and I do try to keep from sinning. Any ideas?
It’s perfectly normal – the gemara says that repeated aveiros make it seem almost muttar.
If you’re posting this sincere attempt here, you’re not a rasha.
As far as ideas, it depends on the aveira, but the first thing that must be done is, of course, to stop doing the aveira (easier said than done) and the way to start is to put yourself in a position where the yetzer hara is blocked. For example, if a student had a yetzer hara to cheat on a test, he should try to avoid the problem by making sure not to sit next to the stronger students.
You should also know that the fact that you feel bad about not feeling bad is itself very precious to the Ribono Shel Olam.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!
Chazal say that the first time a person does a aveirah, he feels bad; the second time, naaseh lo kiheter; the third, naaseh lo kimitzvah mamesh. It’s totally normal. In fact, one of the biggest dangers is feelnig that it’s not normal. It is. Also, chazal say that it would be kedai to create the entire world just so one person can say one boruch hu uvaruch shemo. Think about that. How many times have you had a pleasant interaction with someone? Huge mitzvah every time and for every second. How many amens – which are each worth 1000 X one boruch hu uvaruch shemo – have you said? Thousands and thousands. You gotta realize that really you are a big tremendous tzaddik and have literally infinite potential and that HASHEM really, really, really desperately wants YOU to succeed to your fullest, cosmic capabilities! Chazal say that a mitzvah becomes a part of you forever whereas an aveirah is meely a stain that can be washed out which covers a mitzvah but does not in any way erase any part of it in the slightest. Just the fact that you don’t want to be a rasha is amazing! Besides, rasha is one of the most overused, missapplied terms – a real rasha as defined by chazal is someone who is truly wicked with hideous middos, like a moser. Not remotely close to someone who sincerely longs and yearns for the ability to do whats right and to cease doing aveiros.
Sender Av:
a) Never ever ever give up or lose hope however many times you sin, Hashem is our father. I’m not sure if you are a parent who knows what unconditional love feels like, but Hashem has that in an infinite form.
b) Losing the sensitivity to an aveira after commiting it many times is human nature and is noted in Chazal (gemara Kiddushin: end of Perek 1). It does not nullify true tshuva.
c) Your tshuva is sincere as long as you honestly and deeply commit to mending your ways. No 2 ways about it. You are either committed or not. If you slip up after the commitment – that does happen but it should really be a complete surprise to even yourself if your commitment was honest. If you sort of saw that coming even while doing tshuva, it can’t be that sincere.
There is no teshuva which doesn’t help. True, the more teshuva a person does, the better off he is, but even a little bit helps a lot.
First step: you feel terrible
Second stage: you know it’s wrong, but don’t feel bad.
Third stage: You not only don’t feel bad, it feels right.
Next stage: It controls you.
The bad news is you’re heading in the wrong direction.
The good news is, you still know it’s wrong and still have the power to change. (of course change is always within our power, but at last stage, it is very very hard)
I took this of the “staying pure” thread, I think it applies here.
Firstly understand that you are completely normal. There is a reason doing Teshuva exists, if no one would need it, what would be the point?
I once heard (I have no idea where) a very nice concept. Every person has a rope connecting them to Hashem. Every time a person sins, the rope breaks a little until eventually it breaks. When a person does Teshuva, the rope gets knotted. When a rope is knotted, its shorter than the original length.
(I hope this is making sense.)
Sender. we had a discussion on another thread about feeling Hashem’s presence. There are two psukim to keep in mind almost like a mantra “shivisi eschem l’negdi tamed” and “da lifnei me atah omed”. When a person is tempted to a do an aveira but has these psukim going off in their head as a reminder that you stand before Melech Malchei Hamelochim and everything you say and do is being recorded like a video tape, it is easier to make a better choice.
Think about it Sender, if you are always walking in the presence of the King, or in a more realistic scenario your “father” is always walking by your side, would you do the things you say you are finding easier to do? So even though you did it before, if you realize that your father is at your side to guide you, would you keep doing it?
That is strange. The problem most people today have is they feel too bad about aveiros.
I wouldn’t worry about it.
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