hard time in shiduchim.

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  • #1904928
    bored guy
    Participant

    every time I go out I feel like the girl is not for me. I feel its unfair that I have to have a shadchon decide who I should go out with, when they are so off the mark so often. they obliviously have no idea what I want. and I feel like its an endless circle. is there a new system that could work , where I don’t need someone else to decide who I should marry?

    #1905122
    Kilaolomchasdo
    Participant

    If you feel the shadchan is setting you up with such awful matches, then maybe you need a different shadchan (I’m sure you’ve thought of this already, though). Either way, as long as the girl isn’t “no shaychus,” I feel it’s important to give it a bit of a chance. In many cases I’ve heard of, the dates with people’s basherts aren’t always a “slam dunk” right away. In regards to attraction, my rebbe explained that in most cases, Hashem does you a chessed, and lets your seichel take over when you first start going out with her, so that you don’t automatically want to marry her right away. Don’t expect to be attracted right away. Sometimes it takes time and an emotional connection.

    Please understand, Hashem decided who your bashert is, and the fact that you met the girl you’re going out with is hashgachah pratis. Therefore, it’s important you take that girl seriously. In fact, assume it’s your bashert and attempt to build a relationship towards marriage unless proven that she isn’t your bashert. If you see obvious bad middos, feel like you’d rather clean your room than go out with her again (after giving a fair time for the relationship to grow), etc. That’s a likely sign it’s not the one Hashem chose for you. I feel you shouldn’t say “no” to go out again unless it’s a STRONG no. But if you end up enjoying their company (not AMAZING, but rather just feels right), and your hashkafos are in the same ball park, the fact that she doesn’t necessarily match your “Santa list” shouldn’t be a reason to drop her. We should be going out with a strong system of bittachon. See R’ Bentizion Shaifer’s (Rabbi of “The Shmuz”) dating webinar for more details. I highly reccomend it.

    Do your hishtadlus, try other shadchanim, but most importantly, understand that Hashem is the true shadchan, and that if He has you go out with a girl, it’s certainly reason to take it seriously.
    This is coming from a fellow single bochur, by the way. 🙂

    A gmar chasima tovah, and I sincerely wish you the best of hatzlochah!

    #1905131
    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Bored Guy: You seem to have a very clear idea of what you are looking for in your beschert. In these strange times, why not consider following your own instincts and intuition and perhaps do it yourself. If there is a young woman you have wanted to meet, then either put out the word through a friend or even consider a direct contact. No shadchan will ever be able to fully incorporate all your feelings since some of them may not be easily communicated. Much hatzlacha in the new year in finding someone to share your life with.

    #1905144
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    I made a shidduch together with my wife a’h, where I knew the groom and she the bride, so see if you can do the same.

    #1905225
    unommin
    Participant

    Be a man. Do it yourself, do your own thing.

    Have you made something of yourself to be attractive to others as a prospect, or is this always about what you want rather than what you can give.

    #1905234
    funnybone
    Participant

    Wow, I’m at a loss where to begin.
    A shadchan does not decide who you go out with. He will recommend a girl based on a few different variables. Your background/family, your yeshivos/education, and information you tell him and what he heard about you. Maybe you can ask the shadchan why he recommended a particular girl and why you felt he was off the mark.

    #1905236
    funnybone
    Participant

    You are the only who decides who you marry. You decide who you go out with. If you’re information system is broken, then you need to figure out how to fix it.

    #1905237
    funnybone
    Participant

    A Jewish “meet at a bar” system isn’t for everyone. You need to know both who you are and what kind of girl you would meet at that kind of venue. It’s not something I would be comfortable with, but if that’s your crowd then go ahead.

    #1905243
    avnerk
    Participant

    Krias yam suf.com has hundreds of singles you can browse without a shadchan( jwed also has)

    #1905258

    Welcome back funnybone!

    #1905291
    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    “A Jewish “meet at a bar” system isn’t for everyone
    During these times, I don’t think meeting or drinking at bars is for anyone. There are multiple “safe” places for initial meetings and “getting to know one another” sessions, whether on zoom, socially distanced at a park, walking through one of the many recently opened museums with spatial limitations etc. etc. First think about WHO best fits your criteria, than the logistics of meeting will come easier.

    #1905285
    TheRock
    Participant

    HI, Having a son in shidduchim, I can tell you about 2 sites that might help you. The first is partnersinshidduchim .com. Once you sign up, you can search for exactly what you are looking for and choose your own, and not depend on shadchanim. Second, send your resume to Sholom Blatter (sholomblatter@gmail.com) and ask him to pass your resume to his network of shadchanim. They are pretty good.
    Frankly, I have dealt with shadchanim and some of them have no idea what they are doing. Some dont even try to make a match, they just send every resume and let us choose.
    I hope you find your bashert very soon! Gmar Chasima Tova!

    #1905377
    KGN
    Participant

    1. You don’t have to feel like you should marry her after one date.

    2. You need someone who is emotionally compatible with you.

    3. Some shadkhanim are unreliable.

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