Hashkafa and Shidduchim

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Viewing 22 posts - 1 through 22 (of 22 total)
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  • #1665610

    Me12345
    Participant

    What are important topics in hashkafa to discuss on a date?

    #1665702

    Joseph
    Participant

    Tznius.

    #1665728

    1
    Participant

    Importance of Torah

    #1665735

    knaidlach
    Participant

    anything which is important to you, and is something that if not on the same page as you, it might interfere with your relation. so only you yourself could answer this question.

    #1665752

    knaidlach
    Participant

    we want someone with alleh maalois, but its very important that your partner should be on the same page as you. so you discuss everything that is important to you, and is something that if not on the same page as you, it might cause friction and interfere your relationship. so you and only you can answer this question.

    #1665767

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Are these really “first date” subjects?? Sure, you want to be confident that the person you are considering as a lifetime partner shares basic values and practices a hashkafah you could accomodate but I cannot imagine a young man giving his potential beschert a musar schmooz on tzinius during their initial encounter.

    #1665781

    Me12345
    Participant

    1: I’m playing dumb because I want this thread to go up and a little so I can get a better understanding myself. Can you explain “importance of torah” and how to have a conversation?

    #1665780

    Me12345
    Participant

    Joseph can you expound on “tznius”? Do you mean wearing shorts/skirts 4 inches past the knees?

    #1665778

    Me12345
    Participant

    Gadol: Rebbeim all tell bachurim to have small talk for the 1st few dates and slowly ease into the personal conversations and hashkafa. I’m asking for further along in the dating process and not for the 1st date

    #1665820

    Joseph
    Participant

    Me12345: 4″ could be part of the discussion, but I would suggest being more inclusive than just that narrow issue.

    #1665874

    knaidlach
    Participant

    lots of homework should be done before even agreeing to date. so much information about the other you get from friends, teachers, neighbors, etc. so when going out you should already know about the basic values of your standards.

    #1665955

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    Not necessarily, knaidlach, you only get what the friends, teachers, neighbors perceive to be that person’s or his/her family’s values and hashkafa, which may not reflect what the person actually feels and chooses not to share. It’s always a good idea to talk about these important things directly, and not just rely on what others think (e.g. does he really want to learn full time, long-term, or is that just what his rosh yeshiva wants for him? She looks tznius in public, but maybe she actually struggles with conforming to tznius standards, and will find it hard when society is not looking and judging her? He wants to grow/take on more halacha/learn more than he has until now, and more than is the norm in his current circles/enviornment, etc.)
    If these are important topics to you, they will come up naturally in the course of the conversation (you may express how you feel about learning, then gauge her reaction, comments; you can talk about the way your Rebbe is mechanech his kids, and ask what she feels about it, discuss how you are bothered by, or passionate, about x or y or z, and see if she feels the same. Don’t turn it into a checklist or interrogation.

    #1665977

    1
    Participant

    About tznius, you can tell by the way she dresses, without asking. In modern circles, even someone on the “right” can be seen with skirts above the knees.

    #1666074

    Joseph
    Participant

    Oftentimes they’ll dress tzniusdik on the date even though at other times they’ll sometimes go out non-tzniusdik.

    #1666184

    knaidlach
    Participant

    winnie.
    sure, you can not find out everything from asking around. and sure you must go out and find out for yourself. but i meant to say, that the more you find out from friends etc. the better you will know if its bichlal what you are looking for.

    #1666198

    1
    Participant

    Today, most people are holding by this is what I am without shame.

    #1666264

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    Knaidlach, you are right in a general sense, but the OP has already gone out more than once and obviously has already concluded that the girl may be in the category of “bichlal what you are looking for” or else he would not be continuing and asking for advice on how to proceed with important topics “further along in the dating process”

    #1666922

    Me12345
    Participant

    Knaidlach: Idk if you ever made phone calls for research into a prospective shidduch but every girl is adorable and very smart and very pretty etc. And the same is about every boy. Lawhon hara makes it very difficult to do real research into what a person is really about and therefore the daters themselves have to really discuss those hashkafic questions in order to see if they are for each other.

    #1667297

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    @knaidlach
    After being straight up lied to so many times by friends and “rabbanim” I honestly don’t feel like research does much of anything. Everyone is great amazing and has great middos and no issues.

    The only thing research does it tell me a little bit about things that are neutral and more technical.
    Like:
    Does he have a smartphone?
    Does he want to live in Israel?
    Is he comfortable with the system here?
    Is he adventurous?
    Is he planning to take the Ole of Parnassah at some point?
    How long is he learning for?

    When it comes down to middos, personality, depth, where the person is really holding and really going towards and what they are doing vs saying; you can’t know until the date.
    And if everyone lies about someone being insane or completely socially off…you won’t know till the date either.

    #1667365

    Joseph
    Participant

    Shopping613: For most of those things you can’t know even with (and after) the date. You can only really find out after the chasuna.

    #1667524

    knaidlach
    Participant

    Me12345.
    i made many phone calls. did lots of research. and most of my married children married the first and only one they went out with.

    #1667667

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    @joseph then you just marry the first person you see.
    Like…people lie straight out that much? About their dreams and goals?
    Do you really think that’s possible.

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