He broke up and I don't understand why? Guys, can you explain this behavior?

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  • #618591
    Lavender
    Member

    We met several times. Everything was wonderful. He told me all the time how much he likes me, how beautiful I am, how nice I am, how intelligent I am etc. We were planning our life together, we even knew where do we want to live.

    And today he broke up. No explanation. He is “confused”. From what he says it seems his rabbi convinced him to stop dating me, but I don’t understand why. We didn’t have any disagreements, we are from similar background, we want the same lifestyle… I thought I found my bashert. And now I’m broken. And confused. It hurts so much! If only I knew why did it happen.

    #1189397
    Joseph
    Participant

    How long were you dating him?

    #1189398
    Uncle Ben
    Participant

    Perhaps your father could speak to his Rabbi to clarify.

    #1189399
    Lavender
    Member

    We have been dating for 6 weeks. We met several times, not sure how many times exactly and also texted/phoned each other often. When he told me he wants to stop seeing me I asked if I can talk to his rabbi. He asked his rabbi if he can give me his number but the rabbi said no. Probably I could find him online, but I was advised against it.

    #1189400
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Is there a shadchan? Can you speak to him/her?

    That must have been a really upsetting experience! I have never experienced anything like it,but I am sure I would be heartbroken! Even to the extent that I have ever experienced such a thing on a much, much smaller scale, I was heartbroken.

    I am not sure you will ever get a real answer. It sounds like there is a good chance that this has more to do with him than with you (which is

    why you may never find out the reason).

    If so, Hashem may have just spared you from a catastrophe. Of course, it’s probably hard to be happy about it right now.

    Im Yirtzeh Hashem, you should be zoche to find someone much, much better!

    #1189401
    jewish source
    Participant

    Maybe you davened good and you were saved from who knows

    #1189402
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Lavender, after reading your last post, this really sounds like it is about him. It sounds like there may be something he doesn’t want you to know about him, so it is probably better to stop trying to find out and just to be thankful that it ended (hard as it is to do so).

    #1189403

    It happens ..

    #1189404
    iacisrmma
    Participant

    A similar story appeared in the Shidduch Forum of the Yated. The only person who can give you an explanation is the person you were dating. We cannot read his mind.

    #1189406
    Lavender
    Member

    The shadchan has no idea either. The strange is that he kept telling me how much he usually has a hard time communicating with girls but now he found me and I’m so different. He is a convert and it seems he didn’t really have relationships before either, except one, who turned out to be crazy. On our first date he was so shy I don’t think many girls would have continued dating after seeing him. So it seemed obvious that if he finally finds someone he likes and who likes him, he continues dating. So I think you are right, he must have some problem he doesn’t want to talk about.

    #1189408
    flatbusher
    Participant

    I am so sorry to hear this. Everything is bashert so you must say gamzu l’tovah. I agree it is probably something with him. Maybe he has a fear of commitment, or some undisclosed medical issue. If he says he is confused, then take that as a red flag of what married life with him could be like. I do, however, wonder why he needs a rabbi to decide whether to continue dating. Maybe this guy is immature, and you would face a life of outsiders making decisions for him that would affect both you.

    #1189409
    Lavender
    Member

    “Maybe this guy is immature, and you would face a life of outsiders making decisions for him that would affect both you.” That’s the weirdest thing. He is 30 and already lived in 3 different countries on his own. So he didn’t sound immature or someone who can’t make decisions without his rabbi.

    #1189410
    besalel
    Participant

    lavender, i am sorry for your pain. there is no one here who can help you figure it out. all we can do is conjecture and you can do the same thing.

    #1189412
    YeshivahStudent
    Participant

    my sister dated long time ago a guy, everything was perfect…

    he was an extraordinary gentleman, wise, mature, realy the Bashert.

    after the same period of dating as u described he stopped everything, and sort of “disappeared” -was hard to reach him on the phone, and almost impossible to set up a date.

    [all of the details are only 99% correct -i was pretty much a child back then, so maybe he said the same as in ur story. idk]

    she was realy broken…

    after some time, she found out somehow, that he wasnt exactly the type who can marry a girl, and all the dating he does -was mostly for fun, and to fill his life with who knows what.

    u can imagine how thankful she was to Hashem for saving her…

    ur story sounds realy alike…especialy if you say that he is converted -quite weird not to have any sort of relationships prior to being jewish.

    tons of Hatzlacha though 🙂

    (btw sorry if the English isnt perfect, im from Israel.)

    #1189413
    Lavender
    Member

    Thank you for all the answers. They really helped. Probably I will never figure out why did he leave, but they really help me to cope with the situation.

    #1189414
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    I’m sorry Lavender. It really hurts when someone breaks up and especially when you don’t even know why.

    YeshivahStudent said:

    “he wasnt exactly the type who can marry a girl, and all the dating he does -was mostly for fun, and to fill his life with who knows what.”

    That happens. It’s hard to explain but sometimes a guy will date a wonderful person, who does match, yet for whatever reason he is unable to commit. I don’t know what happened in your case, but keep your chin up. The heart that you invested in this relationship will soon with Hashem’s help be with someone who deserves your commitment.

    Also, I read a lot of imamother posts and it’s amazing that a number of women had stories that before their husband they thought the met the one, and are so glad that it didn’t work out with the former guy because their husbands today really ended up being truly beshert 🙂

    #1189415
    MDG
    Participant

    Lavender,

    From what I hear, I just have a gut feeling that something is off with him.

    “He asked his rabbi if he can give me his number but the rabbi said no.” That sound to me really weird. What’s he or his rabbi afraid of?

    “He is 30 and already lived in 3 different countries on his own.” Sounds a little unstable.

    “it seems he didn’t really have relationships before either, except one, who turned out to be crazy.” – At 30??? Sounds immature socially. BTW it takes two to tango. Saying that she was crazy does not bode well for him.

    “He is 30 and already lived in 3 different countries on his own. So he didn’t sound immature or someone who can’t make decisions without his rabbi. ” But yet he did. Again something off.

    Lavender, consider yourself lucky.

    #1189416
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    MDG: “He is 30 and already lived in 3 different countries on his own.” Sounds a little unstable.”

    I have to disagree with that. Older singles often end up moving/travelling around, and it is actually probably a good idea. Also we don’t know where he is from. If he is from Europe or any other country besides the US or EY, it makes sense that he may have spent time in both EY & the US for shidduchim, etc.

    Also, he is a convert in addition to being an older single, so that also puts things in a different perspective.

    #1189417
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    flatbusher: Wait question please. Is is normal/healthy for a guy to abide by his rabbi’s advice (yes or no) 100%?

    I dated someone who took what one of his rabbis very seriously. Okay I was truly not observant enough for him, and I personally was not comfortable commiting for other reasons. So we had good reasons to not work out.

    That said: About one gadol in particular, he said that he would follow his word blindly, and this guy did so. He said that in the end he knows nothing and he will follow the tzaddik over his own feelings and judgment. If that means that in Olam Habah he did the wrong thing, at least he knew it was because he followed the tzaddikim; thus Hashem would approve regardless.

    …So when Lavender said that the guy that she dated and his rabbi came to a decision, I guessed that it was just that some guys listen to their rabbi no matter what. Even so, agreed, in some cases intimacy feels compromised when a fourth party is brought in (in addition to Hashem).

    Though… Def def definitely it is so wise to ask one’s rabbi and elders about personal matters so important as a marriage partner. Also the couple certainly needs a rabbi that they can turn to in matters where they differ, and for halachic guidance.

    Still, wondering if anyone else here that is married had such an influential rabbi and listened to him 100%?

    #1189418
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    lightbrite – if you are talking about a Gadol Hador, I think you should listen 100%. Otherwise, it depends on a lot of factors.

    In this case, my impression (although I might be wrong) was that it wasn’t a matter of following his Rav blindly, but rather that he had concerns and wanted to break up and his Rav encouraged him to do so. I could be wrong. I guess my assumption is based on the fact that in order for his Rav to have known enough about the situation to advise him, he must have asked his Rav for advice.

    #1189419
    MDG
    Participant

    I’m kind of doubtful that there is a rabbi. Blaming his rabbi makes a good excuse (as long as you don’t contact him).

    #1189420
    147
    Participant

    I hereby Lavender duly refer use the old English Adage & Proverb:- “A stitch in time saves 9”. As painful as it is now, it’d would have been infinitely painfuller if this were to have transpired during marriage + some children.

    #1189421
    Lavender
    Member

    The fact that he has lived in many different countries doesn’t necessarily really mean he is unstable in this case. He is from a poor Eastern European country where it’s considered normal to move to find better opportunities elsewhere. Also there is no much of a Jewish life since the holocaust. On the other hand, I’m also from a country like that and for me even moving once to Israel was so stressful I don’t think I could move to a new country again, I need more stability so it can be a sign that he doesn’t or didn’t need that stability.

    I also don’t believe that he would have broken up because of his rabbi if he himself wouldn’t have had concerns. When I asked about his issues he only said “I think we are very different” but whe couldn’t explain in what way we are different and why it is a problem. And it was really like one night he is planning our future life together and telling me how much he likes me, and 12 hours later he doesn’t believe we are for each other anymore.

    #1189422
    Little Froggie
    Participant

    LiteBrite: To your question if someone had such an influential Rabbi and listened 100% – count me in!!!!

    I had a few “tryouts”. One was told by my Rabbi it’s not for me… and dropped it. Yes, it hurt, nevertheless followed, did not doubt my Rabbi’s word, moved on… btw.. I found out later it would have been pretty bad…..

    ?? ???? ???? ??????? – all the more so by shidduchim when personal passions run amok… That’s why an unbiased higher view is always so important to be sought. And we’re pretty fortunate to have such a Rabbi we can follow…. A Rabbi who ????? ???? ????!!!

    #1189423
    flatbusher
    Participant

    I don’t know him or his rabbi but just being a rav does not necessarily imbue with special abilities or insights. I can tell you from experience that some people just need someone to decide things for them because they don’t want to be responsible for their decision. The rav apparently based his advice only on what the guy told him, which maybe accurate or skewed. As a person who got married older (mid 30s), I recalled once asking my rav advice whether to continue, and rather than decide for me, he guided me, and I made my own decision.

    #1189424
    Lavender
    Member

    I don’t think he broke up only because of his rav. Of he really wanted to continue, he would have continued no matter what his rabbi says. But if somebody wants to break up, usually there are signs before. Here there was nothing. Also I think I would have deserved a real explanation.

    #1189425
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    flatbusher – I don’t think that’s what is going on here. I think he had concerns (possibly the whole time) but he really liked Lavender so he pushed them to the back of his head. Once it really got to the point of commitment, he had to confront those issues and he realized they really were a problem. However, he really liked her so it was hard for him to break up with her. He spoke to his Rav who gave him the chizuk he needed to break up with her. It was still a really hard thing for him to do, and it made it easier to say it came from his Rav (which was the truth in any case).

    What the issues were is anybody’s guess,and there is no way to know. It could be something about him that really has nothing to do with her, but it was easier for him to say, “We are very different”. Or maybe his point was that since he has some kind of issue, he needs someone with a similar issue. Or maybe he feels there are personality or hashkafa differences that he doesn’t want to discuss.

    What is important for you to remember, Lavender, is that he clearly really did like you to the point that he came very close to marrying you and would have done so if not for the fact that there were logical reasons why it was not a good idea. In fact, he liked you so much that it was very hard for him to break up and he needed his Rav’s chizuk.

    I also do think that there is a very strong possibility that the issue has to do with him and not with you. Especially since if it had to do with you, you would probably have some sense of what it is which you don’t. Unlike some of the other posters, I don’t think he is unstable, but there are all sorts of “issues” a person can have without being “unstable”, and there is really no way to know what it is.

    As others have said, try to be thankful that Hashem has spared you, although it is hard right now. Try to find some kind of worthwhile and/or enjoyable pursuit to “throw yourself into” so you don’t obsess over him. You have just spent the last 6 weeks on this guy; now you have time for other things. Use that time in a way that will help you to eventually be thankful that you now have time for other pursuits.

    Hatzlacha Rabba!

    #1189426
    flatbusher
    Participant

    Once upon a time when I was dropped by a girl, I also asked for an explanation. The shadchan didn’t feel it would be helpful. Every case is different, of course, but is it possible that you missed red flags? How many couples have divorced shortly after the wedding when one spouse or the other reveals something that probably was hinted at during dating. Sometimes when we like people so much or want something so much, we overlook things that at the time we say is not a big deal. I am not suggesting you reflect over this. Best to move on. You are one step closer to your bashert.

    #1189427
    MDG
    Participant

    lilmod ulelamaid,

    Your last post is the best.

    #1189428
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    MDG – thanks!

    #1189429
    flatbusher
    Participant

    lilmod: We really are doing no more than speculating but if he really liked her enough I think a mensch would level with her. If you expect to spend the rest of your life with someone, then you have to be open on issues big and small. With dating, it’s often easy to just keep on going if it feels good. We have no idea how hard it was to break up but he had to know he would be causing great pain, so I know you are being dan l’chaf zchus, but a sudden breakup with no explanation sounds pretty cruel to me.

    #1189430
    MDG
    Participant

    “I think a mensch would level with her.”

    It’s very difficult. You want to be open, but you are afraid to hurt the other’s feelings more. Been there.

    #1189431
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    MDG – maskim. plus it’s very possible that it is something that he is not allowed to reveal or would be hurtful to someone.

    #1189432
    flatbusher
    Participant

    SO just breaking off without explanation doesn’t hurt the other one’s feelings?

    Lil–if what you say is true, then this guy should not be dating at all. So the next person he gets close to getting engaged to, the same thing will happen?

    Which leads to the question: Should people would problems or issues they cannot reveal even date and get married?

    #1189433
    FriendInFlatbush
    Participant

    This story makes no sense. I think the OP is a troll.

    “We have been dating for 6 weeks. We met several times, not sure how many times exactly and also texted/phoned each other often.”

    So first you called and texted each other often.

    “When he told me he wants to stop seeing me I asked if I can talk to his rabbi. He asked his rabbi if he can give me his number but the rabbi said no. Probably I could find him online, but I was advised against it.”

    And now all of a sudden he doesn’t have your number!!!

    I don’t believe this is a true story at all.

    #1189434
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    FIF- it’s the Rabbi’s number she doesn’t have.

    #1189435
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    I don’t have much to add lavender ecept that my tefilos are with you!!!

    #1189436
    Jerusalem observer
    Participant

    FriendInFlatbush has it right without question.

    #1189437
    Meno
    Participant

    “And now all of a sudden he doesn’t have your number!!!”

    How did you get that from what she wrote?

    “FriendInFlatbush has it right without question.”

    Seriously?

    #1189438
    Abba_S
    Participant

    The guy has commitment issues. He just wants to date not marry. I doubt there is even a Rabbi involved he is just using the rabbi as an excuse to break it off.

    #1189439
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Of course you know the reason the guy broke it off even though you don’t know who he is.

    Just joining the other speculations already posted, some with even more detail.

    #1189440
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “Just joining the other speculations already posted, some with even more detail.”

    I didn’t presume to know the exact reason and to be “choshed b’ksheirim” as to the guy’s exact issue. I made it very clear that there can be many possibilites and was melamed zchus that it he may not in fact have any kind of real problem!

    More importantly, I was not Motzi shem ra on the guy by saying that he was dating for no reason, and in fact was very careful to be “melamed zchus” on him regarding his intentions.

    I think that halachically you have a chiyuv to take down Abba_s’s post as it is motzi shem ra (since Lavender knows who the guy is). Yes, there are other such posts and maybe they should be deleted as well.

    #1189441
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Abba_S : you may not realize this but your post is Motzi Shem Ra as Lavender knows who the guy is.

    #1189442
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    “Just joining the other speculations already posted, some with even more detail.” (Moderator)

    So true. It could have also been totally unrelated to you Lavender.

    He could have realized that his conversion had some kind of glitch and he needs to commit more to his learning.

    There could have been a family emergency, one that his rabbi was not permitted to disclose due to stigma.

    Anything really… so also remember that when something personally happens to you, it isn’t necessarily personal.

    #1189443
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “He could have realized that his conversion had some kind of glitch and he needs to commit more to his learning.

    There could have been a family emergency, one that his rabbi was not permitted to disclose due to stigma.”

    Lightbrite – great svaras. Shkoyach!

    I was also thinking that he could have had some kind of medical condition.

    #1189444
    Abba_S
    Participant

    lilmod ulelamaid _ I am sorry you feel that it’s Motzi Shem Ra. There is a Toyales a purpose for my comment. The fact that someone knows the party does not make the comment False and the fact that there was a purpose removes the prohibition.

    #1189445
    Little Froggie
    Participant

    Toeles does NOT automatically remove the prohibition. There are a lot of other criteria to satisfy. One and one of the main is to know for certain that it’s true. WHICH YOU MOST CERTAINLY DON’T. (unless you’re the ‘him’!!!) Do YOU know there’s no Rabbi?!? Do YOU know the underlying issue?!?

    And pray tell what is your toeles. Do you think by joining the badwagan and automatically condemning, besmirching the one party, that the other will be mollified, comforted??

    #1189446
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Thanks, LF.

    Another condition is that there must be no other way to accomplish the same purpose. That was CERTAINLY NOT the case here!! If you read my posts, you will see that I accomplished the same purpose without having to resort to Motzi Shem Ra. I put a lot of thought into my post and phrased things very carefully so that I would accomplish this purpose without Motzi Shem Ra.(Which by the way, Moderators, was the reason for all the detail).

    I think that my post did the job quite well, and most of the other posts following were both unnecessary and assur (and probably unhelpful as well).

    This may be difficult to hear but there are other opinions besides yours that we abide by. I appreciate your confidence, however I cannot rely on you for direction.

    #1189447
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “This may be difficult to hear but there are other opinions besides yours that we abide by. I appreciate your confidence, however I cannot rely on you for direction.”

    1. I am not sure what you mean by other opinions- there is no opinion that Motzi Shem Ra is muttar. 2.Do you have a Rav (who doesn’t work for YWN) whom you have shown this post to and asked if it was muttar? 2. If you consider it to be muttar, would you like to explain why it is mutter to post Motzi Shem Ra? After all, if you are claiming that it is mutter, there must be a reason for it.

    #1189448
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “The fact that someone knows the party does not make the comment False”

    What makes is false is not the fact that someone knows the party. What makes it false is that you don’t know if it’s true. You stated that the guy is not dating for marriage. You do not know that that is so; therefore it is false, and therefore, it is Motzi Shem Ra.

    And please do not say that the fact that he broke up with her is proof that he was not dating for marriage. Many people break up with other people and not for that reason. There can be many, many reasons why people break up with others.

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