height in shidduchim

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  • #594332

    pet peeve
    Member

    would you feel comfortable going out with someone taller/shorter than you? guys: how do u feel about dating taller girls? girls, how do you feel about dating shorter boys? what have been your experiences, and how important is height?

    #1034012

    Sacrilege
    Member

    Very important. I am tall for a girl (and apparently for most Jewish males) and I dont feel comfortable dating someone shorter than me.

    #1034013

    A23
    Participant

    As someone who is 6’4″, if the girl is taller than me, kol hakavod.

    #1034014

    Bed-Stuy
    Participant

    A bochur once asked Rav Moshe if he thinks he should marry this wonderful girl whose only chisoron is that she’s too tall. So Rav Moshe suggested asking his Rebbitzin. Rebbetzin Feinstein came over, Rav Moshe stood up for her, and she was towering over Rav Moshe as he asked her if this has been a problem.

    #1034015

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    my wife is a foot shorter than me, I don’t care and no-one else should!

    #1034016

    Homeowner
    Member

    I am six feet and I think weight is more important. To quote some sage advice from my law school classmates, “Never date a girl who weighs more than you.” 🙂

    #1034017

    aries2756
    Participant

    When you first start dating this is a real issue. As you continue to date and really look for your bashert, you come to realize that this is really NOT what is important. Hashem has no intention of always putting Barbie together with Ken.

    #1034018

    Sacrilege
    Member

    “When you first start dating this is a real issue…”

    Still is.

    #1034019

    amichai
    Participant

    off hand I know 3 couples whom the wife is taller than the hubby. they are perfectly happy.

    #1034020

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    So how come girls are allowed to say no because of height, but guys are evil when they say no because of weight?

    #1034022

    I know a couple that the wife is older and taller than the husband and they are very happy. Yet, at the beginning. when my parents look into any shidduch, they do inquire about height and weight.

    #1034023

    dunno
    Member

    “Very important. I am tall for a girl (and apparently for most Jewish males) and I dont feel comfortable dating someone shorter than me.”

    Same.

    “So how come girls are allowed to say no because of height, but guys are evil when they say no because of weight?”

    They’re not. They’re honest.

    #1034024

    oomis
    Participant

    My dad was shorter than my mom. It didn’t hurt them any. Thatbeing said, there is short and there is short. My daughter is 5’2″. She is simply not comfortable with a guy who is shorter than 5’7″ or so. She lieks to wear high heelsand feels awkward when she is at eye level talking to her date. She HAS gone out with several guys who were around her height, and she really felt awkward with them. You cannot fault someone for what is or is not attractive.

    When you speak about the weight issue, a little overweight is not the same as someone who is obese. The problem also is that our society has determined that a girl is not attractive unless she is nearly emaciated. if you would look at old movies with Marilyn Monroe,Jane Russell, Sophia Loren etc. women who were undeniably attractive, none of them was a skinny mini. Lucille Ball who was a beautiful woman, was an admitted Size 12-14. If she were a young frum woman today, do you think based on today’s standards she would be redt any shidduchim?

    So guys seem to have truly unrealistic values regarding weight and size. Girls who are a size 0-2 are probably not much fun to take out for a meal, anyway. The bottom line (no pun intended) is that we have to be less concerned with numbers, and more concerned with the total package. Some girls who could stand to lose a little weight, can make awfully amazing wives and mothers. And that skinny girl can get fat, too.

    #1034025

    pet peeve
    Member

    can we please please please stick to height and not weight, people?? i appreciate all your responses, but lets leave the weight discussion for the weight threadSSS–this is different. thanks!

    #1034026

    Sacrilege
    Member

    “off hand I know 3 couples whom the wife is taller than the hubby. they are perfectly happy”

    No one is saying that you cant be happy with a guy shorter than you, its an individual preference.

    I went out w one guy who was the same height as me… I felt like I was on a date w my 10 year old brother. I need a guy I can look up to, actually and figuratively.

    #1034027

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Popa, I think neither are evil. The difference is though, weight can be changed but height cannot (unless you are talking about 15 year olds getting married).

    I understand Sac. I am in no way tall (5’3.5″) but I have trouble with men who are my height. My husband is 5’11” (not particularly tall), but tall enough for me. Besides, isn’t a woman supposed to look up to her husband? 😛

    #1034028

    postsemgirl
    Member

    I think the whole height issue is strange. Who cares about height? Does he have middos? Is he what you are looking for in a husband? ok then go out with him. who cares how tall he is. Im 5 feet and the shadchanim always say well do you care if he is 5’6 or 6 feet. I say I don’t care because someone’s height you can get over, but if a boy doesn’t have middos then that is a problem. Sometimes it bothers me in which order the questions are asked. I think we lost sight of what’s important.

    #1034029

    Sacrilege
    Member

    postsemgirl

    Righteous of you not to care/understand when you are 5′.

    #1034030

    postsemgirl
    Member

    ok maybe I don’t have the same problem as taller girls but still I think that other things are more important

    #1034031

    Sacrilege
    Member

    If he is an Apikores and 6’2” yea, good chance I wont marry him.

    #1034032

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Attraction is a part of marriage.

    I find short men “half-men” – I can’t help it. I know plenty of short, wonderful men, but I could never have married one of them.

    #1034033

    Mister Ploni
    Participant

    It’s obvious that our yeshivas and seminaries have done a pretty dismal job. Sure you girls know Navi, Hashkafa, etc. and guys are learning with Rishonim and Achranim well mastered. But in terms of real life and decision-making…. well frankly it’s pretty pathetic.

    I guess it’s good Rav Moshe was a young man today, he’d never find a shidduch.

    (And we wonder why Moshiach has come yet!! Oh brother.)

    #1034034

    height is a big factor in everybodys mind but in reality its not such a big deal thats why tgere are so many marriages where the guy is a foot taller, or the girl is a little taller

    #1034035

    pet peeve
    Member

    post sem, yeah of course other things are MORE important, that doesn’t mean this doesn’t count for some. besides, you can’t really judge people who are taller than you who want someone at least as tall as them–what if you were redt a guy who was 4’8″? (compared to ur 5′) yeah…….thats what its like for a girl who if 5’10 to be redt a guy who is 5’7″. the end of the world? no. a certain comfort level? probably.

    #1034036

    Sacrilege
    Member

    SJS

    I dont know that I think of them as “half men” as you put it.

    I know of plenty good looking guys who are around 5’8”… It’s too bad that they are shorter than me.

    BTW, most men arent secure enough in their masculinity to date a girl taller than them, so it goes both ways.

    #1034037

    aries2756
    Participant

    Sac, it is very disheartening to hear that you are still hung up on the height issue. I would think that after dating so many guys you would understand what your real priorities should be.

    #1034038

    postsemgirl
    Member

    pet peeve- I guess you are right. I don’t know how they feel.

    #1034039

    Divorced_Guy
    Member

    Oomis – re-read your post. Your are totally comfortable with your daughters desire to be able to wear heels with her husband, but imply that guy’s who don’t find heavy women attractive have something wrong with them. Talk about a double standard. Aint nothing a guy can do about his height, but men and women can work-out and diet to improve their figure and weight.

    #1034040

    Sacrilege
    Member

    aries

    I am sorry you feel disheartened.

    #1034041

    mw13
    Participant

    oomis1105:

    “My daughter is 5’2″. She is simply not comfortable with a guy who is shorter than 5’7″ or so… You cannot fault someone for what is or is not attractive.”

    “guys seem to have truly unrealistic values regarding weight and size… The bottom line (no pun intended) is that we have to be less concerned with numbers, and more concerned with the total package. Some girls who could stand to lose a little weight, can make awfully amazing wives and mothers.”

    Interesting how “not faulting someone for what is or is not attractive” is apparently only for the girls, not the boys…

    aries:

    “Sac, it is very disheartening to hear that you are still hung up on the height issue. I would think that after dating so many guys you would understand what your real priorities should be.”

    I don’t think this has to do with being “hung up” on a particular issue as much as it about the sheer stupidity of marrying somebody who you are simply not attracted to (no matter what the reason is). That’s not just asking for trouble, that’s getting down on your knees and begging for trouble.

    #1034042

    mom of a few
    Member

    where have all the tall yeshiva bochrim gone? Been to a wedding lately they all seem so short.

    #1034043

    Sister Bear
    Member

    My aunts and grandmother are all like 5’8″, 5’9″ and my grandmother used to joke whenever she saw a tall guy with a short girl, that’s another one wasted. 🙂

    where have all the tall yeshiva bochrim gone? Been to a wedding lately they all seem so short.

    I know!!! It’s crazy. I see these little boys who look like they’re 8 but then they have hats on and I’m like what??? I’m soooo glad I’m older than them 🙂 cuz I would really love to be shorter than my husband (and I’m not even so tall)

    #1034044

    koillel101
    Member

    The question isn’t if they’re tall or short its if the boy are tall enough for the girl

    #1034045

    A lot of girls dont care… its more the boys being insecure about their height.

    #1034046

    aries2756
    Participant

    I don’t think it is sheer stupidity or anything other than not giving shorter guys the opportunity to “wow” you with their personality, charm, good looks, good midos, good manners, etc. How would you know that you are uncomfortable if you don’t give a guy a chance? And what makes you think you would NOT be a attracted to someone that is shorter than you JUST because he is shorter than you. Would a not so handsome man who is taller than you but not so up there in all other mailahs be more attractive than a shorter guy will ALL other mailahs? How do you know that you would not rearrange your list of priorities if you met the right man?

    More so, how will you ever realize that your priorities are not in the right order if you don’t give these guys a chance?

    #1034047

    dunno
    Member

    aries2756

    Obviously height isn’t a matter of importance to you. For me it is. I have met short guys in the past and truth be told I’m much more attracted to the tall ones. That doesn’t mean I’m throwing away all middos. A tall guy with bad middos would not appeal to me and I would drop him like a hot potato. I’m sure there are short guys out there who have stellar middos. However, I am also sure (and have met) tall guys with great middos too.

    #1034048

    Sacrilege
    Member

    aries

    Its not even a matter of attraction, believe me. I have met some good looking short guys! Its a matter of COMFORT. Although its not exactly the same thing but this is the best way I can describe it, would you be ok going out w a guy w one arm? How about a guy who is deaf? blind? Obviously these examples are more extreme but there is a certain comfort level that you need to be ok with.

    Like I said in a previous post, I dated a guy who was the same height as me and I was not comfortable w that, do you think I would be comfortable w someone shorter?!

    #1034049

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Like I said in a previous post, I dated a guy who was the same height as me and I was not comfortable w that, do you think I would be comfortable w someone shorter?!

    That makes no sense. We only know you are not ok with someone being the same height. Being taller or being shorter are equally different from being the same height.

    You have previously stated that you would be ok with someone taller. Therefore, it stands to reason that you would be ok with someone who was shorter.

    #1034050

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Sac, I’m short. If a guy is my height, he is practically literally half a man.

    #1034051

    Sacrilege
    Member

    Curious how you missed this post,

    “Very important. I am tall for a girl (and apparently for most Jewish males) and I dont feel comfortable dating someone shorter than me.”

    #1034052

    cutie pie
    Member

    I am 5″2, which is short. But I would not say no to a guy who’s short, but at least he should be taller than me. But if let’s say he’s only 5″4, It’s not a reason to say no. I know I’m short, and I cannot be picky and say I only want a 5″10er or taller. It’s just not practical. Short girls get short boys. Not always, but most of the time.

    It happens to be my friend is 5 feet and her husband is 6 feet. But she wasn’t looking for a guy that height, just someone at least a drop taller than she is, and she was lucky. But I think it’s crazy to say no to a shidduch just because of height!!! 🙂

    #1034053

    miritchka
    Member

    Sacrilege,

    your previous post, comparing height and disabilities to teh same level of ‘a matter of comfort’ has me confused.

    as the mother of a daughter with a hearing impairment, the issue of her hearing impairment and shidduchim has been on mind since she was diagnosed as an infant.

    Please dont compare the ‘issue’ of height in shidduchim with the very real issue of disabilities in shidduchim. At least with height, you may be able to convice a boy/girl to go out whereas its much harder to convince or to even try to convince someone to go out with someone with a disability like hearing impairments…

    #1034054

    Sacrilege
    Member

    miritchka

    As I stated in my post it is NOT the same thing, but thats the best way I could describe it in regards to comfort.

    My point was that its not a matter of attraction, it is a matter of comfort.

    A good family friends son married a wonderful girl w a cochlear implant. We are not talking about any boy, he had every Shadchan running after him promising him rich fathers-in-law (you know the drill) when they say Top Boy In Lakewood, they are talking about him. She was a top girl, exactly what he was looking for, and she happened to have a cochlear implant. I dont know how many boys would be ok with it, for him it wasnt an issue, didnt faze him in the slightest.

    IY”H shidduchim should go smoothly for your daughter (and all your children)

    #1034055

    miritchka
    Member

    Amen!

    My daughter isnt in shudduchim yet, ji still have a few more years to worry…lol!

    Thanks

    #1034056

    bpt
    Participant

    Funny this topic should be a thread of its own, as just the other day, I told my Mrs. that if such-and-such is still available when our bp junior is ready to start dating, I’d push real hard to get that shidduch off the ground.

    Her response: But she’s taller than he is!

    My response: So?

    Hard to believe that something that is completely out of the control of either party (and a fact that effects so little in marraige) should be such a huge obstacle.

    I’m still gonna try, I’m just gonna have to try harder.

    #1034057

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    miritchka, my sister is deaf (not hard of hearing) but doesn’t sign. She has not had a cochlear implant. She married a wonderful, 100% hearing boy who is a great catch. Your daughter will find a wonderful husband IYH.

    #1034058

    as in most things with shidduchim its no biggie but its blown out of proportion. let them go out and if they like each other theyll forget about the height difference. i think thats how it should be with all small problems.

    but if theres a big problem that might be a reason to not go out

    #1034059

    miritchka
    Member

    Thank you SJS. FYI, my daughter has a cochlear implant is doing so well, b”h!

    #1034060

    always here
    Participant

    believe it or not:

    several years ago when my daughter was in shidduchim someone asked me how tall she was, (5’1 1/2″),& then proceeded to tell me that it wasn’t shiach because the boy she was thinking of was 6’1″ & didn’t want so short of a girl!! …obviously, so not beshert! (btw- my dghtr’s husband is 6′).

    #1034061

    showerzinger
    Member

    always here-

    I am 6’1″ and I have been redt tens of girls that are 5’/5’1″/5’2″. I personally see no problem with marrying someone significantly shorter than me. I know many happy couples with a height disparity and see no reason why “short girls” should be discriminated against. Not everyone can be 5’5″!

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