November 5, 2013 10:09 pm at 10:09 pm #611187
Hi everyone out there!
I would like to hear your opinions on this matter. Is there a need for an organization catering exclusively to divorced / widowed singles?
1) An organization which would employ experienced Shadchonim, coaches, and capable individuals to dedicate themselves entirely to the ‘second time around’ market, with the understanding that it’s an entirely different turf than the standard market.
2) It would also serve somewhat as an address for support groups and whatever other help and support these individuals require. There may be something similar out there for the divorced woman or single Mom, but is there not a need for the Male end? Does it exist? Is there a void?
3) If we were to assume that the ‘online’ arena is not the appropriate address for these Bnei Torah to congregate or affiliate, what other avenues would make sense?
4) Are there any young divorcees out there that would like to share their experienced opinion, specifically as to what type of services, groups, hotline, getaway, advice, Shadchanim, or anything resembling some form of outside help – which would alleviate or have helped to alleviate their hardships?
Yekusiel ShmidtNovember 6, 2013 12:41 am at 12:41 am #987927Alex345Participant
sounds long overdue – nebuchNovember 6, 2013 4:34 am at 4:34 am #987928eclipseMember
Sister to Sister meets many of the needs you mentioned.November 6, 2013 4:49 am at 4:49 am #987929iknoMember
if you are looking for a program fro women, then sister to sister does help, but they have limited resources, they do the best they can but can use much more support…
and for the men, i beieve there is a program called avos al banim…. look it up…
hatzlacha, and may our father on high help all the fatherless, motherless and parentless.November 6, 2013 1:06 pm at 1:06 pm #987930
A word of caution is appropriate here. Support groups are great and precious. Especially so with situations that are not subject matter for discussion in every environment. Divorce and being single are painful issues, where support is needed. However, together with the pain and suffering that so many experience (both divorced men and divorced women), there is also anger and a natural desire to seek revenge. Many who go through this issue are apt to express that anger, often toward their ex, and just as often by advising peers regarding their own issues. Such advice is coming from people in pain, not people experienced with helping others through tough times. This creates the possibility or likelihood of much additional bitterness, through guidance and peer pressure to take negative actions.
Yes, I have observed this occurring many times. As much as I feel that support groups and systems are critical, I find the damage they can cause alarming. Buyer beware.November 6, 2013 3:51 pm at 3:51 pm #987931
Great Point from ‘TheLittleIKnow’.
What is your suggestion? How can this be done in a way which it will be helpfull and not harmfull? How about the dedicated Shadchonim aspect outside of the support group aspect?
Thanks again for sharingNovember 6, 2013 4:05 pm at 4:05 pm #987932
Would you mind giving me a hand with this avos al banim? I can’t seem to find any information. Thanks again.November 6, 2013 4:11 pm at 4:11 pm #987933keepitcomingMember
why do men need a support group usually the problem is them no? and men 2nd timers have much easier time getting redt shidduchim than divorced girlsNovember 6, 2013 4:22 pm at 4:22 pm #987934golferParticipant
Thelittleiknow, your screen name is inaccurate. You seem to know a lot. And thanks for sharing it.
keepitc, “usually the problem is them”?
Wrong.November 6, 2013 6:50 pm at 6:50 pm #987936
When someone is single, especially after having failed at marriage, life can become lonely and depressing. There are multiple issues to handle, none of them being easy ones. It makes zero difference whether men are to blame or women are to blame. Everyone suffers, and everyone should be able to find access to resources to help them manage. It is not for us outsiders to make assumptions about who was at fault in the marriage. Just because someone could have been to blame for a failure at marriage is not reason to sentence them to the misery that becomes a daily suffering.
From my perspective (lots of experience), the generalizations about the men being more at fault, or the women are untrue. The truth is somewhere really close to 50-50.November 6, 2013 7:29 pm at 7:29 pm #987937jewishfeminist02Member
How about an organization/support group for widows and widowers?November 6, 2013 8:12 pm at 8:12 pm #987938
Included in the original post on the first lineNovember 6, 2013 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #987939eclipseMember
jewishfemimist: Yes, it’s called Samcheinu. (women)November 6, 2013 8:45 pm at 8:45 pm #987940☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
In a certain way, divorced men and women need a support group even more than those who are widowed. There’s more of a stigma, and some (often undeserved) blame, attached to divorce, yet the challenges are the same or greater.November 20, 2013 6:10 am at 6:10 am #987942holinurseParticipant
After being married for two years (w/o children) to a woman I love and gave so much of myself to, we have divorced as of two days ago. I now know pain so incredible that I did not know existed.
I would benefit from a support group with others similar to me. I am aware that most groups for divorcees are comprised of individuals who are older and who typically have children, but what about the young (and children-less) ones? I understand that the experience is quite different when there are years of marriage and children involved.
Any suggestions? Others who are similarly interested in getting something started???
Thank YouNovember 20, 2013 2:47 pm at 2:47 pm #987943mewhoParticipant
there should be mens groups. after living with a spouse for x amount of time and then divorcing things are totally different. a spouse male or female needs to learn how to adjust. needs to have a support group whether family or friends or an actual group. this should be done for men as well as women.November 20, 2013 3:09 pm at 3:09 pm #987944cherrybimParticipant
How about a support group for all the divorced women whose ex-husband deadbeats and in-laws don’t pay a cent toward agreed child support or tuitions yet demand and receive custody/visitation. Three cheers to these women and to those yeshivas who are understanding.November 20, 2013 5:39 pm at 5:39 pm #987945
Your comment carries a tempting emotional twang, and I hope to restore a bot of logic to the discussion.
1. Both according to halacha and secular law, child support and visitation are completely exclusive of each other. Mothers denying visitation to deadbeat dads is illegal. Courts have been used for that many times. So have courts been used to go after the deadbeat dads, whose refusal to support their children is illegal.
2. As I have cautioned before (comments above), support groups need to have proper focus in order to be beneficial. My displeasure with existing support groups for divorced or separated women was obvious in my earlier comments. Why so bitter? Because I have observed way too many instances of these networks becoming wellsprings of advice that guide women to engage in combat. No, I do not have a single nice word for a deadbeat dad. But nor do I have any positive thought about the readiness to make false allegations just to take revenge. The support groups I know (not by direction of the group itself, but by the suffering and imperfect members) shower women with empowerment to fight.
If I knew that the support groups would keep their focus on the real issue that require support, I would encourage and endorse them. The experience is quite upsetting, and those I know are providing the community a terrible disservice.November 20, 2013 7:36 pm at 7:36 pm #987946cherrybimParticipant
“shower women with empowerment to fight”.
Oh no!November 20, 2013 9:39 pm at 9:39 pm #987947
But that’s what they do. Therapists working with these cases complain that their work to manage affairs of divorce peacefully are undermined by these untrained outsiders. Rabbonim are less aware of this outside source on interference, but are slowly beginning to recognize it.
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