Helping children who were abused
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- This topic has 53 replies, 27 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by Hotyoga.
June 11, 2013 2:49 am at 2:49 am #609603
i am the mother of a child who was abused. i am looking to find askanim community people to advise and guide me in choosing a place, yeshive, program etc. we hear so much b”h about preventing and reporting abuse but what about the victims and their families? the torture, the expense, the helplessness. any ideas?June 11, 2013 3:09 am at 3:09 am #978901
definitely press charges and get the child a therapist. perhaps through a subsidized place such as a federation so the child feels safer going to the therapist.June 11, 2013 10:26 am at 10:26 am #978902AFSHERFARKERTParticipant
Call the Ohel organization. They have a list of therapists(frum) that specialize in abuse.June 11, 2013 6:35 pm at 6:35 pm #978903nishtdayngesheftParticipant
I think the poster would be looking more for people who are experts in treating people who have suffered abuse rather than experts at abuse.June 11, 2013 6:38 pm at 6:38 pm #978904
uhhhhhhhh….. yeahJune 11, 2013 6:40 pm at 6:40 pm #978905zahavasdadParticipant
I dont think this is the place to discuss this.
You need to see a therapist who can advise you betterJune 11, 2013 6:41 pm at 6:41 pm #978906zahavasdadParticipant
I just noticed the posters name and Im truly sorry you are going through thisJune 11, 2013 7:58 pm at 7:58 pm #978907writersoulParticipant
nisht: This is NOT the place for that kind of joke…June 11, 2013 10:17 pm at 10:17 pm #978908WIYMember
I hope the police were contacted. If this abuser is still on the lose you can be guaranteed he will destroy other kids.
As for your child, he needs a good therapist trained in these matters. Try here (Mods please allow)June 12, 2013 2:00 am at 2:00 am #978909
the child is seeing an excellent trauma therapist, actually recommended by the relief organization. but, that’s once a week for an hour. he won’t name his abuser so pressing charges is pointless. he has no school or camp and is developing other unhealthy behaviors.he needs good friends and role models and a good school/camp.as his parent, i feel lost, no where to turn. ohel had nothing to offer me just a referral to mask …………they said the therapist is good, no other help – sorry for your pain. any one have advice?June 12, 2013 2:12 am at 2:12 am #978910kkls45Member
Maybe Achiezer would be able to help.June 12, 2013 2:30 am at 2:30 am #978911
is he a teenager? if so project extreme might be up his alley.June 12, 2013 3:39 am at 3:39 am #978912recipesMember
My heart goes out to you. Can’t you bribe him into telling? It’s Mamash a Sakanah for other kids, not to mention that there is always a possibility CH”V that he could try to strike your child again. It also might give your child more closure if he knows the molester is not around anymore.June 12, 2013 3:46 am at 3:46 am #978913
offer him a trip to disney world if he tells.June 12, 2013 4:02 am at 4:02 am #978914
the therapist is working on getting him to talk more. i think he is scared of his abuser. it’s a long process. project extreme is an extreme option and it’s only two or three weeks and veeeeeeeeeeery expensive. they say it’s a good program. need to find something b4 and after that.June 12, 2013 4:13 am at 4:13 am #978916
ok got itJune 12, 2013 4:19 am at 4:19 am #978917
he wants to be in a regular but chilled yeshiva, not sure he will be able to handle it. also, we have been advised by the therapists to keep him out of his home town of brooklynJune 12, 2013 5:00 am at 5:00 am #978918Shopping613 🌠Participant
Im davening for him!June 12, 2013 5:34 am at 5:34 am #978919
My heart goes out to you, I know the pain is inconsolable. I would suggest contacting Avi Fishoff at ‘Home Sweet Home”. He deals with kids who were abused and I’m sure he’s aware of all the resources connected to it. I heard that there is a place here in Israel that also specializes in helping kids who were abused. If you are interested, I can try to find out the name..
Wishing you much hatzlacha….June 12, 2013 5:38 am at 5:38 am #978920
My heart goes out to you. I don’t know where you’re located, this is not the proper place (obviously) to post or reveal facts or info. I’m not into this, but I do feel that it’s a lengthy process, things will come out slowly.. And there’s no quick fix.
There’s an excellent organization in Brooklyn called Toshia, they may be able to help. They can direct, steer, initiate services needed.
Whatever you do, Daven, we’re Davening for you.
Hatzlacha!!June 12, 2013 8:48 am at 8:48 am #978922playtimeMember
May you and your son get through this unimaginably painful ordeal, and find new found strength from which to build towers of Simcha and Avodas Hashem.June 12, 2013 12:31 pm at 12:31 pm #978923
thank you all.
will follow up on the leads. avi fishoff does counseling for parents, (as i understand) called twisted parenting.
Oh Shrek!, do u have toshia’s #
Write or wrong..do u have contact info for the place in israel? do they really watch them or do they end up on ben yehuda w/ partying and all other stuff?
i often wonder..where are the other victims? who is helping them with their struggle? it is so painful and difficult to do it alone, but people are afraid to speak up, for fear of shidduchim etc.June 12, 2013 1:40 pm at 1:40 pm #978924
The first Step is for you (the parents) to meet with Avi Fishoff so you can learn how to deal with the situation. Coming to Group will help you find the correct path for your child.
Avi deals with close to 200 parents and he is your best source as well if anyone can help he is the one.
Avi married of his child last night so getting in touch with him today maybe difficult.June 12, 2013 1:51 pm at 1:51 pm #978925
Actually, I do. I’d rather not post it here, if Mods would permit I could somehow forward it (through them) to you privately.June 12, 2013 2:01 pm at 2:01 pm #978926
By the way – We are parents in Avi’s Group – You will learn that there is no issue when it comes to Shidduchim. We just married off a child and there was no issue.
And by the way we all speak up – You are not alone.June 12, 2013 2:18 pm at 2:18 pm #978927
Toshia may help they are part of Eitza it is run by Rabbi Weiss and Shemlka Klein.
The number is listed…June 12, 2013 5:26 pm at 5:26 pm #978928
All I know about the place here in Israel is that it’s in the north, and very far from Ben Yehuda. Someone I know has their son there, and he was in very bad shape when he went in. Now, he’s a different person, truly amazing. If you would consider Israel, I will try to find out more about it. Are there other issues, like drugs etc? Often times, the child is not attracted to the right kind of friends, dafka bc of the abuse they suffered. They feel damaged, and seek out other damaged neshamas as well, Hashem yirachem. You must constantly daven. I tried for many months to get help, called all the right places, all the right organizations and it took about a YEAR to finally get someone professional, who knew what they were doing. That’s why I came here to the CR, bc I was breaking, and had no place else to go. Now, Baruch Hashem, I have a better mindset and am doing better, even though my son is not. I wish you much hatzlacha,
keep pushing, keep davening until you find the right person to help, may it come soon…June 12, 2013 5:58 pm at 5:58 pm #978929JayMatt19Participant
Firstly I’d like to wish you and your family much hatzlacha with this. My heart goes out to all of you.
A few things:
1. Try to give as much warmth and love to your son as he goes through this. Try to instill an environment where he knows that he can be open with you, no matter how difficult the situation is.
There are many reasons why a frum victim might not name their abuser. Examples are (but not limited to) not wanting to get them into trouble, fear of revenge, fear of the backlash when he names the person, fear of speaking lashon hara, protecting the family.
Try to show your son that none of these are reasons to be quiet.
2. Get yourself some help. People often think that the child is the only victim. The parents also become victims. I can tell from your SN and your posts that this is unimaginably difficult for you. In the same way that you want to get your son assistance, get some for yourself.
Good LuckJune 12, 2013 11:44 pm at 11:44 pm #978930
Oh Shreck! i left a message for Rabbi weiss @ Toshia, hope he will return my call.
of course, as a result he is in to other at risk behaviors and is not happy w/himself. he is very closed and secretive. has anyone heard of ronnie’s rebels? ronnie cohen? what does he do and who does he deal with? about avi fishoff – what happens? 200 people meet together? separately? i am not worried about shidduchim, we have to believe just as hashem sent this challenge – he will send the right shidduch. it is just a hard nisayon and so unfair to an innocent child.
also, who is the professional or organization that finally helped? is it a fishoff?June 13, 2013 5:32 am at 5:32 am #978931
Avi Fishoff did help us, but it was hard for my husband to completely commit to the hashkafa behind Twisted Parenting. I was doing it, but it’s not as effective if both parents aren’t completely committed to it. ‘Speaker’ put me in touch with Avi, and it definitely helped me to get a more accurate view of the situation, and a derech for dealing with my son. Speaker can tell you more, but I think Avi only meets with a group of maybe 5-8 couples at a time(?). This is after meeting with each couple separately for many hours, until the couple has fully embraced the hashkafa behind TP.
Here in Israel, I found it almost impossible to get help when I was in crisis. There are a limited number of organizations that deal with this, and they are quite dispersed and not always available. It took a tremendous amount of time with us running after them and putting pressure before anyone got involved. Perhaps now, which is about 15 months after my son fell apart, they are actively involved in trying to help him.
May you have much siyata d’shmaya! (Because that’s REALLY what you need).June 13, 2013 6:07 am at 6:07 am #978932rebdonielMember
The Haredishe communities punish whistleblowers. They treat the victims as guilty and like they’re at fault.
Sadly, with the YU coverups, I can’t say my camp is flawless here, but there must be accountability all around. Not only did your child’s abuser destroy him and his emunah, but I am sure fear of communal backlash is also destructive in his life, as well.
I support the work of R’ Nuchem Rosenberg, R’ Mark Dratch, SNAP, and the efforts of all people, Jewish and Non-Jewish, to stand up for all of G-d’s children. Tehillim says that children are a heritage from HaShem. We owe them a lot better than abuse and coverups.June 13, 2013 6:32 am at 6:32 am #978933
Try Rabbi Klein. It’s a wonderful organization from the little I know, a lot of resources, professionals, etc. Tell them the nature of your matzav, I’m sure they’ll expedite matters. (tell ’em Oh Shreck! sent you, if that doesn’t scare them…)
Again, I know nothing about this sort of crisis you’re in, other then just knowing that I cannot fathom your extreme pain and anguish, torture and grief, feelings of anger and shame. It would be a lie to say I feel your pain, because I know I cannot. I know you’re suffering something beyond my comprehension. But we (us here in the CR) are here for you, to lend you a shoulder to cry on, to try to comfort you, ease your pain, to maybe assist you in any way possible.
Again, because of the nature of your crisis, it’s extremely important to know who to take advice from (actually it’s not that important who, it’s what advice to follow). Sometimes over-helpful individuals ???? ?????, in their eagerness to show support, consolation, etc., will offer advice detrimental to your particular case. Take every advice offered here (including this!) with a grain of salt. Don’t discard outright, just choose wisely. And get the professional assistance, guidance you deserve.
From my limited understanding of this nature it’s quite understandable that he’s not happy about himself, he’s into at-risk-type behavior, closed and secretive. It’s ALL for one reason, and that can be dealt with ?? ???? ??? quite effectively, through the aid of the various professionals out there.
May HaShem give you the strength and courage you need at this trying time. May you and your son, family, come out stronger than before.June 13, 2013 7:59 am at 7:59 am #978934JayMatt19Participant
You ever learn that sometimes it is best to be quiet?
A poor mother comes here to ask for assistance, Your insensitive comments did NOTHING to assist her, nor does it have anything to do with anyone’s previous post.
It is also very likely ona’as dvarim/lashon hara considering the context
You want to rant, start a new thread, don’t hijack the one of a mother in pain.June 13, 2013 11:18 am at 11:18 am #978935yentemonkeyMember
Ronnies Rebels is an amazing place ive went their and really got alot of help with getting along with my parents and also spoke to him about abuse as a child , the only thing that you might not like is the so called ”ungifirin ” or as they call them “TUNA BEIGELS” that go their . but over all Ronnie Cohen has a nice crowd and really loves and cares for every lost or disturbed neshama i recommened you trey to get a hold of him , or try JBFS for counseling ask for the social worker by the name of Motty Shanet
i wish you lots of hatzlocha and may you and your son have it easy Good luckJune 13, 2013 11:51 am at 11:51 am #978936
It is amazing that you know what happened with your son. If you live in the NY metro area contact Avi Fishoff. If you cant get his number ask the MOD to get in touch with me.
You as a parent need to learn how to deal with this issue as much as the kid needs to deal with his issues. We are with Avi a year now and we see a big turn around.
There are people in the group who have tried everything to no avail – Avi’s method works wonders.
Avi does not fix the child but fixes the parents – We are all broken and need to learn how to deal with it.
Everyone in the group will tell you that Avi’s method works wonders.
Good luck and remember I am here to help.June 13, 2013 12:51 pm at 12:51 pm #978937
wow. what an outpouring. thank you.
speaker: i have a hard time with understanding avi fishoff’s philosophy but i understand he is successful. my husband would have a hard time too. who is behind him? rabbanonim or professionals that i can tell my husband? does he meet with the kids at all or only parents?
unfortunately, and in my experience i find it too, when the kids are totally off, there is a bit more help. truly, it is a difficult job, but i do believe there are good people who want to help.
does nuchem rosenberg do anything besides publicize the fact that this is so rampant? (which is important work, too) who is there for victims? i am not familiar with the names reb doniel said.. can u elaborate please?June 13, 2013 3:03 pm at 3:03 pm #978938
Avi is backed by every well know Rav and Chasidus. He only meets the Parents and not with the kids.
Nuchem Rosenberg has his own agenda and I will not elaborate. He will not nor can he help you all he will do is try to find out who the molester is and go after him publicly.
Your son needs to see a therapist and you and your husband need to learn to show the utmost support for him.
I am not a politics person so what ever reb doniel refers to is not for you be concerned with.
Your Son now is # 1June 13, 2013 3:05 pm at 3:05 pm #978939
By the way Avi will only see you with the backing of your RavJuly 10, 2013 10:57 pm at 10:57 pm #978942
I know Avi very well our son opened up to his Molesters even without a therapist by doing Avi’s mehalech of TP. We now know the molesters! Were do we go from here further?July 11, 2013 12:20 am at 12:20 am #978943🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
Please go to the police before another handful of boys suffers!
Did avi recommend A derech to take?July 12, 2013 2:23 am at 2:23 am #978944
would your son testify against his molester? that would be wonderful. btw…what does he do now?where can he go now for “yeshiva / school/rehab??July 12, 2013 6:41 pm at 6:41 pm #978945jewishfeminist02Member
I really hate to have to say this because I know it will be painful to hear, but if your son refuses to tell you who did this to him, it is very likely someone close to him. He may be afraid that you won’t believe him if he tells you who it is. It could be a school rebbe, or an older boy in his school, or a relative. It could even be his father. You MUST make sure he knows that you will believe him NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU. And then, you must…believe him no matter what he tells you. Even if it is someone you have known for years. He needs your support more than anything else. Do NOT say to him, “Oh, so-and-so would NEVER do such a thing!” It will only cause him to withdraw further and you will lose all your progress. My heart goes out to you and your family. No one should ever have to go through such a thing. It is a tremendous tragedy and a chilul Hashem.July 14, 2013 4:39 pm at 4:39 pm #978946WIYMember
Good advice there.July 15, 2013 5:09 pm at 5:09 pm #978947
How can i find a good Therapist as i posted last week for my traumatised relative who was molested as well and we know who it is? He needs alot of help as i posted previously since it hit emotionally and can c”v go off the derech completely. Is there any way of giving that info over here or through the Mod? BTW what happened to my posts from last week?July 15, 2013 5:12 pm at 5:12 pm #978948YW Moderator-73Moderator
what posts are you talking aboutJuly 15, 2013 5:19 pm at 5:19 pm #978949
I did have a similar Post started by me and i think it was posted as Molested Children. Many comments were put on it but can’t find in anymore.October 13, 2013 9:41 am at 9:41 am #978950RisingSun613Member
DAVEN!October 13, 2013 11:52 am at 11:52 am #978951The little I knowParticipant
As critical as it is to make sure the molester is apprehended and imprisoned, it is equally critical to be sure the victim/survivor gets the help and resources needed to deal with the trauma. An earlier commenter warned against connecting with NR. I can only endorse it. His (NR) agenda has nothing whatsoever to do with helping children who are victimized. He is dedicated to making sure that there is chilul Hashem. Pursue the directions of therapy and appropriate yeshiva placement. If you manage to discover the molester, do what is needed to protect Klal Yisroel. Don’t be fooled by useless statements about his having undergone therapy or doing teshuvah.October 13, 2013 2:46 pm at 2:46 pm #978952Bookworm120Participant
@ayiddisheneshomaiscrying – My heart goes out to you and your son. I agree with jewishfeminist that you should tell your son that you’ll believe him no matter how far-fetched his account sounds. It could be someone close, but I’m not jumping to blame his father or anything like that. I applaud both of your boy’s parents for doing your best to help him recover from this appalling trauma.
Perhaps he was threatened with further harm if he identified the perpetrator? Bullies work that way. Just because the perpetrator is exposed and IY”H immobilized doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t have lackeys who might try to cause further harm. And lackeys could be retaliating school staff, students, or in general, friends of the perpetrator.October 13, 2013 11:23 pm at 11:23 pm #978954popupMember
There must be a ZERO TOLERANCE for any of this. Children have to know we’re there for them. They have to be taught this and understand that we will protect, defend our children and exonerate the perpetrator. I really feel your pain and hope you’re able to find a qualified therapist that your child will trust and open up to and learn to feel safe and secure with himself. It’s by far the most heartbreaking thing a person goes through and hopefully we will continue to develop ways to maintain a safe environment in the community.
wishing you much hatzalcha in finding someone Relief -organization- might be able to refer you to someone qualified please google them
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