Hiding Things in Shidduchim
Home › Forums › Shidduchim › Hiding Things in Shidduchim
- This topic has 22 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by mikehall12382.
January 19, 2011 6:42 pm at 6:42 pm #594317dunnoMember
I got the idea from the mental illness thread.
For how long would you keep such a thing a secret during dating?January 19, 2011 6:48 pm at 6:48 pm #730154not IMember
Always ask a Rov.
I knew a case where a girl was told to say on date number 3. Then it is still not to late to hurt anyone..
It wasn’t a mental health issue but rather a ‘reg’ health issue remedied with few side effects. BH she married the first boy!!January 19, 2011 6:50 pm at 6:50 pm #730155
Certain mental illnesses can be a lot more difficult to deal with than diabetes. So no comparisonsJanuary 19, 2011 6:56 pm at 6:56 pm #730156AinOhdMilvadoParticipant
“For how long would you keep such a thing a secret during dating?”
Such a thing as WHAT???
If it is a health issue (mental OR physical), I would say 3rd or 4th date – maximum!January 19, 2011 7:02 pm at 7:02 pm #730157dunnoMember
Yeah, I guess it would only be a health issue. It’s scary how some people don’t say. I just heard of a girl who was in the hospital right before her wedding and STILL DIDN’T TELL HER CHOSSON! He found out 2 weeks after the wedding when she had to go in again.January 19, 2011 7:08 pm at 7:08 pm #730158
“A friends son is a diabetic, was told by several Rabbonim not to tell until after four dates” Seriuously, over over being a diabetic? How sadJanuary 19, 2011 7:17 pm at 7:17 pm #730159
mikehall: what’s sad?January 20, 2011 12:05 am at 12:05 am #730160
mike- i have diabetes since i was 9. i was told i dont have to tell till the 3rd date. if you dont have diabetes or something like that you have NO right to judge. people dont understamd diabetes and even though i have NOTHING to be ashamed of.. and i dont feel embarassed at all. but i dont feel the need to tell every guy i go out with about it because there is no reason for them to know. if i felt something on the 2nd or even 1rst date id tell them but otherwise i wait for the 3rd. if you want to hear more about this there is a whole conversation about it in the “diabetes support group” thread. but please for the future dont say “how sad” if you dont have any idea about how we live with it. thanks:)January 20, 2011 12:16 am at 12:16 am #730161
coffeefan, continue hoding strong. You should really ask a shaila whether you shouldn’t always wait until at leas the ourth date, always..January 20, 2011 1:24 am at 1:24 am #730162
cofeefan…let me be clear about my comment. Having Diabetes isn’t sad. The idea that you feel it can affect a shidduch is. There is absolutly nothing wrong with Diabetes just like there is nothing wrong with having blue eyes. I DO find it sad that someone would tell you not to mention it because they feel it can be seen as a negative. If you dont want to say anything because you ddont want people to know your medical history, that I understand. But from the advise given to the freind of truth be told by a rabbi makes diabets seem like it’s something to be ashamed of, which of course is just sillyJanuary 20, 2011 1:41 am at 1:41 am #730163
mike- thank you for clarifying and i agree with you how its so sad thatpeople make it a huge deal when it’s really not. im sorry i misunderstood but now that i undertsand i see you are 100% right.
truth-i did ask a shayla and they said 3rd is when i should tell. thanks for ur kind words:)January 20, 2011 1:53 am at 1:53 am #730164happiestMember
Obviously a mental illness can not be hidden but I wonder if the entire world will find out after telling the boy/girl about the illness. S/he will go and speak to the shadchan (probably) and a person he trusts… how does word not get out? I am so nervous for the dating. I soon will have to face it though.January 20, 2011 2:34 am at 2:34 am #730165
You’re welcome coffeefan.
Mike, you are correct. He got that advise after he was drop twice because of it. To be fear, it is scary for aperson to enter a relationship with a person not knowing how if they ccould meet the challenges. That’s why they bootJanuary 20, 2011 3:06 am at 3:06 am #730166
coffeefan…i figured you misunderstood and thankyou…January 20, 2011 12:53 pm at 12:53 pm #730167morah reynaMember
Don’t hide things. Usually the p’sak is to tell by the 3rd 4th date.January 20, 2011 2:18 pm at 2:18 pm #730168
“he was drop twice because of it.”
If that is the case maybe it a failure of our schools, maybe more time needs to be devoted to teaching about this? I remember learning about diabetes etc. in High School biology and science classes. Knowledge is power, without it, it leads to incorrect assumptions…Then again I went to a MO school where Math, Science and Biology was seen as being extremely important subjects to learn about…Like I said before Diabetes is not a huge issue if treated properly and certainly isn’t something that one should be ashamed of.January 20, 2011 3:14 pm at 3:14 pm #730169
Mike you’re missing the point. But you are certainly superior since you went to a MO school. We understand your point.
I find it disgusting that you would choose to toy with peoples emotions to make yourself feel superior.January 20, 2011 4:44 pm at 4:44 pm #730170January 20, 2011 5:28 pm at 5:28 pm #730171
mike the problem is that most people arent as educated as you. so people hear diabetes they automatically assume that i brought it on myself by being overweight and nt caring about myself when in fact nothing is fartherf rom the truth. i was born with this and i probably am healthier than most people out there, but because people have no idea that there are 2 types of diabetes they assume that i dont care my health and when i eat whatever i feel like they assume i am ignoring my diabetes when i have an insulin pump and have no restrictions. they also assume that i cant have children when in fact i will probably have a better pregnancy than normal people. it’s insane the way people think and i feel like why should i subject myself to their judgements before necessary. thats just my opinion with first hand experienceJanuary 20, 2011 5:38 pm at 5:38 pm #730172
cofeefan,January 20, 2011 6:10 pm at 6:10 pm #730173
Mike, some girls are afraid of starting to date a diabetic not because they are judging the person. They know its a certain way of life (treatment) which IF (and a big if) not dealt with maturely contains risk. They havnt lived this way and are not looking to enter it “for no reason”. Once the potential couple knows each other they have a reason… It has zilch to do with negative judgment or understanding the cause. Assuming otherwise would is sillyJanuary 20, 2011 6:22 pm at 6:22 pm #730174double standardMember
Should people have to reveal that they have been diagnosed with ADD? Some people feel that since it’s really common, it’s nothing special. Others feel that a condition, regardless how minor should be revealed. Any thoughts?January 20, 2011 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #730175
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.