hishtadlus with shidduchim

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    burnt out

    How do I know how much hishtadlus i should do for shidduchim? im a normal frum girl with no skeletons in my closet come from a gr8 family and yet I have not gone out in 4 months…shidduchim have been redt but I said no cause they were totally not shayich and I never thought I would be the girl who hasnt gone out for 4 months…


    well what sort of further hishtadlus is available to you?


    I feel for your pain and hardship – but all I can offer to do is to Daven for you and your happiness. I was told by my Rebbi that the Chazon Ish said that one who Daven’s for someone else’s need, accomplishes more than the physical Hishtadlus one does. HaGaon HaRav Chaim Stein, Shlita, publicly implored people to Daven for Shidduchim of the “Techter” (sisters) who are having trouble finding a Shidduch. I would be very happy to do this for you.

    Your screen name is “burnt out” – is that how you feel as a result of your Shidduch efforts? Can you elaborate? – I want to try to put myself in your position and to feel a small degree of your pain and from this mindset, to Daven for you and others in your similar situation. I remember the sadness I felt as young single sitting at a Seder table on Pesach while others my age were with their spouse. I imagine that you are having similar feelings.

    May Hashem bless you with the happiness of finding your Bashert in a speedy and pleasant fashion, at a time of much Mazel.


    i have the same prob. the only difference is that i havent even gottan a phone call in 6 months! i am a great girl from a great family but no one knows o exist!

    yossi z.

    I would give my two cents here but until certain things are taken care of I can’t except to assure you that I can empathize with the shidduchim pangs and daven that you find the person best for the both of you.

    😀 Zuberman! 😀


    how about not getting a suggestion EVER???? help! 🙁 i feel like im forgotten in the world……what do i do to make it known that im “marketable?”


    Ah, please. Dont b burnt out. Who needs a guy? Ull b married sooner than u think and in 5 months ull b crying cuz he cracked an egg in the back of ur fridge and “forgot” about it. Have fun, stop worrying.


    wear a tshirt that reads “i am available!!!”

    all jokes aside, thank hashem, ur zivug is on his way but rite now is not the rite time, i think ur luckier dating no one than dating the wrong guy…


    if you have married friends, periodically call them and remind them what you’re looking for – maybe their husband knows someone. have a clear descripotion in your head of what you’re looking for and tell it to people. the person who made my shidduch was from completely different circles than i am, but when she asked what i was looking for, i told her exactly what. she said i know the guy for you. i, of course, didn’t believe her. but, through some strange circumstances, she did know him and described for the first time in about 10 years exactly what i was looking for. you never know who will be your shaliach. do whatever hishtadlus you could do; while at the same time davening from your heart and because you want to get married, and not from a place of burnt out, giving up or depression.

    good luck.

    my sister hadn’t dated anyone for a year when all of a sudden the right name came up and she married the guy. happens all the time. “yeshuos Hashem k’heref ayin.”


    this IS THE REAL shidduch crisis. the system. and im a guy saying this! i learn in a bais medrash, was clearly of age and available, and no one suggested anything for months. there needs to be a better system! if only in the ywn coffee room there was a way to solve this…

    ☕️coffee addict

    how about not getting a suggestion EVER???? help! 🙁 i feel like im forgotten in the world……what do i do to make it known that im “marketable?”

    how old are you?


    im 20. and i know thats not old, just when most ppl i know have been dating for well over a year……


    You say that you have been redt shidduchim but, “I said no cause they were totally not shayich.” Maybe you shouldn’t have said “no” so often. Sooner or later folks like shadchanim and other interested parties are going to get tired of hearing “no” and will move on to someone a bit more flexible. Listen, finding a life partner is not like shopping for a refrigerator. There is much more to finding a zivug than simply reading “Consumers Reports” and comparing features. IMO you cannot determine that a match is “not shayich” in less than two dates. As they say, “If you want to marry a prince, be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs.”


    “I never thought I would be the girl who hasnt gone out for 4 months…”

    so who did u think would be the one from your group to be dateless for four months? what did u base this on?


    I wish lots of hatzlachah to all those in the “parsha”!! In the years to come iyh you will look back at this time of your life and think to yourself i should of taken so much more advantage of this stage! It’s a beautiful stage in life where your real self really comes out as your not under the “jurisdiction” of your school!!

    All of you out there enjoy it and much hatzlachah!!

    …Davening for all of you out there!!


    You probably don’t want to hear this, but 4 months isn’t that long. I know of many girls, ages 21-22, who hadn’t gone out EVER and then married their first or second guy. Wouldn’t you rather be that girl?

    I was in shidduchim for a long time, and now that I’m married, I can tell you that all that worrying and tears were huge wastes of time that I can never get back. I agree with the other posters who tell you to ENJOY this time.

    The more you can develop YOURSELF and become happy within, the better wife and mother you will BE”H be.


    I know a women who got married at the ripe old age of 25! She told me that those were the best years of her life but the only thing that dampened it was that she was so worried about who she would marry…. so lets try and enjoy this time even though it is very tough!

    ☕️coffee addict

    I agree Agreer 😉


    R Kaufman

    “Maybe you shouldn’t have said “no” so often.”

    Completely disagree. I was the girl who said ‘yes’ to every guy that said yes to me because ‘maybe it would go’ now that I’m dating for 6 years unless its what I want, I’m not saying yes.

    The way the Yeshivish world dates drains you really quickly (not that I’ve only dated ‘Yeshivishly’…) so if you are confident in what you are looking for, as I am, there is no need to waste your time with anyone else.



    burnt out

    I completely hear you, but at the end of the day you dont want to waste your time. Its really not about how many guys you date, its about the right guy. Now that I choose quality over quantity the dates are more spaced out, but thats ok, its not a reflection on you.


    I agree as a single in shidduchim its not easy as i can feel with you cuz ive been in the parsha a few years myself but in every stage of your life you have to make the most of it and especially at this stage (as others have already mentioned). As a single there are many opportunities you have now which you may not be able to do as much of when you have a family and other responsibiities. Take advantage, do Chesed, go to shirum-keep busy and of course Daven for clarity that Hashem should find you your zivug hagun bekarov!. Hashem has someone special for you, keep davening, and may Hashem find you zivug hagun bekarov!.


    It’s true, the thing most former older singles regret once they are married, is the worrying, the fear, the unhappiness over the situation, because once you are used to those feelings they are hard to dispel when the situation changes.

    As a b”H former older (like, close to 40 when I married) single, I wish that I could have had the strength to be happier during that time.

    Most of all I wish I had listened to some shalom bayis and parenting classes! They are widely available, for example on, among others, Kol Haloshon and the Akeres HaBayis hotlines. Prepare yourselves, it will be worth it.

    Hatzlacha rabbah, and we hope to hear besuros tovos bekarov!


    If you say yes to potential shidduchim even if they don’t sound shayach at least you remain on the radar for the shadchanim who are suggesting to you. If you say no they will stop thinking abot you and might suggest guys you would be interested in to other girls and not you since they will think of you as picky and not bother suggesting others to you thinking you will reject them as well. So even if you have to go out with a few not shayach guys it might be worth it for this reason. Also, who knows maybe one of the not shayach shidduchim might be shayach. People are not always like what they appear on paper and if you don’t think its shayach just don’t go out again simple as that. Hatzlacha.


    I think it’s disgusting that people are suggesting she say yes to people that are, in her own words, “totally not shayich,” just so she stays on a shadchan’s radar.

    I understand the point, but think about the completely innocent guys being forced to waste their time here…


    if the guy thinks it might be shayach and the girl agrees to have an open mind to the idea even though she thinks its not so shayach its not a waste of time. She might change her mind when she meets the guy or not but even if not she still gains because shes on the radar of the shadchanim and the guy didn’t waste his time because he thought it might be shayach in the first place.


    HOLY COW! me too. ppl thought i would be married by 20 bec he’s the hottest catch. he has everything going for him. and believe it or not, i didn’t date in almost a year. i say NO to almost everyone…..

    wow we sound alike.


    i kind of agree with yeshivabachur, but for a different reason. really, i see that you have 2 options: if you are certain about what you are looking for/need, you can wait just for that. if not going out bothers you and you’ll feel more like you’re doing something if also dating, can date people who don’t sound as perfect – also, never know, maybe you or the guy will know someone who is just right for the other person, if it doesn’t work out for you 2. i don’t think either option is right or wrong – depends on you. sometimes, it’s not so good to not being going out at all, if sincerely want to get married now. if not, and you don’t mind waiting, then just wait. really depends on you, and which way you can have more energy to be doing what should be doing now.

    a lot of people made great points about not wasting this time. definitely do hishtadlus and daven, but also good time to work on yourself, attend shiurim, establish relationships with rebbetzins/mentors, etc. and have fun!

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