honesty in shidduchim

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    Tzvi Hirsh

    Should there be 100% honesty about one’s age, their health and family health and their past or if they don’t ask don’t tell?


    No, I think it is very important to cover up, and even lie if necessary, to wash away unsavory or inconvenient facts.

    pet peeve

    if there is no initial honesty/trust in the beginning, don’t expect it to come later. lying, under any circumstance, is risky business.

    for particular situations, ask a shailah about what is necessary to disclose. under normal circumstances, honesty is the general rule.


    Well if its something that can affect him/her later on there is no sheila it is obvious you must say the truth( and if the other “side”can’t handle the truth than u should not feel bad because that means that person is not the corresponding zivig )


    If asked directly I think you should answer the question honestly with the least amount of detail possible. Otherwise, I don’t think you have to offer up information unless illness or criminal history is involved.


    I don’t see any contradiction between your two options.


    Things that are important one should not lie about. Things that are unimportant one should not be asked about.

    Dovid S.

    Shlishi, here I agree with you 100%. The truth can sometimes be very harmful to long-term relationships. If you find yourself speaking truth to your spouse too often, I think you should see a Rov or a marriage counselor. (“You” as a general term, not talking about anyone specific.) You see, truth leads to disagreements, disagreements ruin friendships. Lies lead to mutual accomodation, tolerance, and acceptance, albeit inadvertent, considering that you don’t know that you are tolerating the bad behavior because the bad behavior, in your eyes, dosen’t exist!

    Gut Shabbos to all, Professor of Relationships Dovid

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