How can one judge favorably for this?

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  • #608411
    brotherofurs
    Participant

    I know someone who’s having a hard time thinking well about a situation that she went through:

    (This was heard from her)

    two years ago she approached a rabbi that she admired after his class and was ready to disclose a serious problem that was occurring in her family. She told him (a Rabbi of a school) about her brother and how he was having a veryy hard time at the school he was in and she wanted to know more about the Rabbi’s school.

    The situation was so hard for her at home that she was ready to cry to the Rabbi at that moment when suddenly he picked up his phone in front of her face and started texting and answering her, but not really focusing or giving her the attention that she needed at her struggling moment.

    She still remembers this incident, she feels bad that it comes to her mind and every time she hears a speech from that Rabbi, she can’t help the bad feelings from rushing towards her heart once more.

    What can i tell her? how can she judge favorably? What will make her not look at the Rabbi in a harsh way?

    #934127
    SaysMe
    Member

    perhaps her emotions, her almost at tears made the rabbi uncomfortable. Perhaps he didn’t feel it’d be tznius for her to cry in front of him, whether that she’d regret it, or that he didn’t want to feel emotional sympathy. So he took out his phone to break the tension and build-up of the moment. To keep her from crying. Or maybe he was texting for a better answer to give her, not knowing himself how to best respond.

    #934128
    SaysMe
    Member

    and welcome back

    #934129
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    It might have been an urgent text. There is such a thing.

    #934130

    <haifagirlshield>

    The phone call could have been from a somebody in a situation even more dire than hers.

    </haifagirlshield>

    #934131
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    It doesn’t sound like the most sensitive thing the Rabbi could have done, but we don’t know enough of the story to judge anything.

    #934132
    chalilavchas
    Member

    brotherofurs, how did it end? Did the Rov apologize and continue the conversation at a later date, or did the Rov show no interest? Did he run off or did she run off? What was the last exchange between them?

    We got half a story here.

    #934133
    rebdoniel
    Member

    You can learn about Takfa Kohen, Shibbud d’Rav Natan, and so on in books. You cannot learn how to be an empathetic, supportive, listening, embracing counselor in books. These are middot a person either has or they don’t have, and based on the many hagiographies I’ve read, those who have been the greatest in Torah were the greatest in these middot (eg/ Rav Pam embracing the children with Down’s Syndrome and giving candy to trick or treaters on Halloween; Rav Yisrael Salanter and the crying baby, etc.)

    #934134
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Reb Doniel, that would suggest that you do get it from the books.

    #934135
    rebdoniel
    Member

    I feel that these middot tovot come naturally to a person, that they’re somehow either innate or learned behaviors, from parents, rebbeim, anybody that has exerted a good hashpa’ah.

    #934136
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Then why punkt have the greatest baalei middos been the greatest talmidei chachamim?

    #934137
    WIY
    Member

    brotherofurs

    Welcome back. First of all you should know he may be a Rabbi but he is human and most likely even if he has worked on many of his flaws he still has many he may not be aware of so dont expect perfection or even near perfection, especially if we are talking about a Rabbi who is young or relatively so.

    Another thing, most Rabbis today are busier today than Rabbonim of yesteryear because now they get called, emailed, texted and people also call them at home and expect them to be always on call. I know of Rabbonim that get texted serious Shaylos. On a regular basis. So please dont be quick to judge this Rabbi. He may have been expecting an important text or he always must check every text that comes in as it comes in to make sure its not an emergency.

    As a further point, I think your friend has to realize that while she may have been feeling like she was saying something very important and personal, she may not have disclosed that to the Rabbi before he picked up his phone. As you yourself said “and was ready to disclose a serious problem,” “The situation was so hard for her at home that she was ready to cry.” You expect him to read minds too?!

    #934138
    brotherofurs
    Participant

    wow thanks everbody and saysme that was really good!

    hmm and idk ill find out the rest of the story and tell her all this advice

    #934139

    WIY:

    Good point.

    #934140
    haifagirl
    Participant

    <haifagirlshield>

    The phone call could have been from a somebody in a situation even more dire than hers.

    </haifagirlshield>

    The shield worked. (Okay, I would have said “person” instead of “somebody,” but that’s not a big deal.)

    #934141

    Really? I thought that “hers” at the end was for sure wrong somehow.

    #934142
    haifagirl
    Participant

    Nope. Absolutely right.

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