January 19, 2011 12:38 am at 12:38 am #594300
How do I drop a very close friend who’s emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining? She’s very sensitive and refuses to go for help.January 19, 2011 1:04 am at 1:04 am #895241aries2756Participant
Someone who refuses to get help when it is warranted and is draining the resources that they currently have needs to be pushed in the right direction in a supportive manner. “I have done everything I know how to do for you, and I will continue to do what I can as long as you get the appropriate help that you need. I can only support you as long as you make the right choices for yourself. I can’t support you in destructive behaviors, nor can I support you if you refuse to help yourself. It is way too much of a responsibility for me. I love you, but I can’t take such a huge responsibility on my shoulders. Please think about what I am saying. I am not a therapist nor am I trained in a manner that is appropriate to assist you with all your issues. I can only be a friend to you and do the best I can for you and for myself as well. And as a true friend I am telling you I am I can only support you if you get the proper help that you need.”
How does that sound?January 19, 2011 1:08 am at 1:08 am #895242snapplegrlMember
if your a teen in high school- discuss it with a teacher, mechaneches, guidance counselor and they can talk to your friend.. its doesnt have to come from you..then they can start to help her with her problems… good luck..January 19, 2011 1:22 am at 1:22 am #895243deiyezoogerMember
dont pick up the phone when she calls……January 19, 2011 1:27 am at 1:27 am #895244
Can you say this?
“Because I care so much about you,and your pain affects me so deeply,it is beginning to affect me negatively.I can continue being there for you in the following way(specify),but for my own emotional health,I am sorry but right now I cannot continue (specify)…
Would that work at all?January 19, 2011 1:28 am at 1:28 am #895245Sean Ben NoachMember
Step One: Open a new screen name on YWN that uses your real name.
Step Two: Start this thread again under the new screen name.
Step Three: Tell your friend how much you enjoy YWN, especially the coffee room.
… That’s about it. Or you could level with your friend and say you need some space for a while, that you have your own trials/problems going on right now and you can’t continue to be there for her in the same way that you have been.January 19, 2011 2:00 am at 2:00 am #895246
Thanks. You guys are really helpful. BTW Snapple, I am in HS, but feel pretty awkward to speak to a teacher.What type of macheneches do you think I would feel comfortable with? Also, I’m a real softie and it’s kinda hard for me to be tough. It’s just so hard for me to tell her what to do. I’m not the preachy type.Thank you once again for the advice everybody.January 19, 2011 2:10 am at 2:10 am #895247
“I can continue being there for you in the following way(specify),but for my own emotional health,I am sorry but right now I cannot continue (specify)…”
How do you think I can be there for her w/o getting affected? Should I set rules? What kind?January 19, 2011 2:46 am at 2:46 am #895248Sender AvMember
Just be careful. I am none of those things and it really really hurt me when one of my “friends” dropped me in high school.January 19, 2011 3:02 am at 3:02 am #895249
What Aries and Eclipse said…January 19, 2011 3:03 am at 3:03 am #895250mom of a fewMember
Make yourself unavailable often but not all the time and eventually she’ll get the hint or find someone else to unload on.January 19, 2011 3:55 am at 3:55 am #895251
1.Give her a limited time-frame/best-day to call.But do BE AVAILABLE THEN!
2.Create the boundaries/space you need,and ENFORCE it,gently but firmly.
3.Send her a warm card in the mail now and then.
4.Hashem helps when He sees you are trying to maintain your own simcha without hurting others more than necessary(some hurt can’t be helped).January 19, 2011 4:52 am at 4:52 am #895252chayav inish livisumayParticipant
ARE U SERIOUSLY GETTING ADVICE FROM A BUNCH OF PPL WITHOUT LIVES WHO U DONT EVEN KNOW??????????????????????January 19, 2011 5:24 am at 5:24 am #895253World SaverParticipant
You are not obligated to stay her friend. You need to convince her to go for help. These situations are very difficult, and will be painful for her. She must see a competent therapist.January 19, 2011 6:56 am at 6:56 am #895254always hereParticipant
@ chayav: “people without lives”?!
IMO~ people with a whole lot of combined years of experiences- life experiences- in dealing with all kinds & variations on most any problem or topic that might come across these boards!!January 19, 2011 12:55 pm at 12:55 pm #895255ProfessionalMember
I dont feel its fair to drop someone if she is not going to do x.
You can suggest what would be helpful for her, but withdraw a friendship if she doesnt accept your advice?
I always was avialble to support classmates who were not as strong socially, academically etc. and I dont regret it. Chessed is what makes us better. Thats what Hashem wants from us.
Now, if you feel its taking too much of you, this is where you can set the limits. How often would you want to spend time with her? you do need to balance it out. you have other friends/family/school needs (lets say twice a week, reasonable? once?) or what topics you are willing to disucss.
You can try to share your mitzva with other friends, make a Kvius with one more nice friend of yours :”lets make x happy and spend one afternoon with her every week, or a Pizza every other Sunday?” etc. its a hugh Mitzva, and the impact on her life will never be forgotton. You are the light she has for now.
Set up your limits, and when you spend time with her, listening to her, giving her your friendship, remember you are emulating God and connecting with him. ‘Af Atta Rachum”
Hatzlacha!January 19, 2011 2:06 pm at 2:06 pm #895256aries2756Participant
Thanks for explaining that you are both in High School which makes the situation even more difficult for both of you. Since you are both just kids, it is obvious if she has serious issues it is way too much of a responsibility for her to unload them on you. And it is way more obvious if she has serious issues that she needs professional help.
All the more reason to set boundaries for yourself and offer to support her in her choice to find the help she needs. You can offer to go with her if that helps as well, even if it is to hold her hand while she makes a phone call to a help line to gather information. At least that would be a first step.January 19, 2011 8:19 pm at 8:19 pm #895257
chayav–why the poor manners?January 19, 2011 8:45 pm at 8:45 pm #895258World SaverParticipant
I disagree with professional. This is not your obligation. “Drop a friend” is an oxymoron! This is obviously not a real friendship. She is leaching onto you obviously because she is insecure, and whats bothering you is that you feel this is “too much” – it is not a real friendship. If you want to do her a Chesed, arrange help for her.January 20, 2011 2:15 am at 2:15 am #895259
Thanks, everyone. Let me explain some more: She’s proud, smart, clever, cute, extremely manipulative, and a bad influence. I have no doubt that I need to drop her like a hot potato, if only I could. I was asking how to make it as painless as possible for both of us. Thanks again.September 4, 2012 3:00 pm at 3:00 pm #895260
Hi! I’m Shopping613’s friend and I’m borrowing her account here and there, you can call me
CR Queen! When I post I ‘ll put CR QUEEN in big letters at the top with lots of stars!
Anyway I just moved to a new city and there’s this girl who really wants to be my friend, like my BFF! She is really annoying and has no social skills and also has no fasion sense whatsoever! She thinks since were the only ones without BFF in the class she can be MY BFF!
Since everyone else has a BFF I need to sit next to her, I don’t want to ask the teacher to move cuz then shell move EVERYONE and everyone will be miserable all cuz of me! How do I drop her nicely?
HELP PLEASE! THANKS!September 4, 2012 5:38 pm at 5:38 pm #895261TheGoqParticipant
This reminds me of that old lady in the wendys commercial wheres the bff?September 4, 2012 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #895262
Oh dear…we already have a CR queen:
CR Princess is probably free, though. 🙂September 4, 2012 6:39 pm at 6:39 pm #895264
It’s a problem, but you still need to be a mensch. No FASHION SENSE?????? Hang her now! No social skills? Maybe that’s because no one will give her a chance to develop any (because they find her so ANNOYING)… Maybe if you and all the other coupled up BFFs in school would give this poor kid a chance, and really try to get to know her, instead of being so annoyed by her, you might just discover she has a lot to offer the lucky person who befriends her. And btw, you would be doing her and youself a favor to help her develop a sense of style. Maybe her mom is unable to help her in this area or maybe she cannot afford to buy whatever it is you kids think is so crucial to your fashion sense. Either way, BE a friend, for heaven’s sake instead of putting someone down. Unless she is mean-spirited or selfish, you might be doing yourself a favor. I am sure you are secure enough in your own self-image, that it really is not all that difficult to befriend someone outside your “in” group/social circle.September 4, 2012 6:45 pm at 6:45 pm #895265WIYMember
Like Ohhh Emm Geee!September 4, 2012 7:21 pm at 7:21 pm #895266
No, I need REAL advice…and fast! Any other takers?September 4, 2012 8:31 pm at 8:31 pm #895267mythoughtsParticipant
Why don’t you turn the tables on your friend? The next time she calls, listen to her for a while and then tell her that its your turn. Start talking about things that are going on in your life and do this everytime she calls. Be sure you both have equal time. My guess is she wants to do all the talking and you to do all the listening and she’ll stop calling you when it doesn’t work out that way.September 5, 2012 2:13 am at 2:13 am #895268September 5, 2012 2:56 am at 2:56 am #895269WolfishMusingsParticipant
Hi! I’m Shopping613’s friend and I’m borrowing her account here and there, you can call me
CR Queen! When I post I ‘ll put CR QUEEN in big letters at the top with lots of stars!
Is there a reason you can’t sign up for your own account?
The WolfSeptember 5, 2012 3:25 am at 3:25 am #895270
Wolfish Musings: yes there is, but I don’t want to write for the world to see!
Oom : didn’t see your post there… but she is really annoying, I still want to be her friend and its in my nature to naturally be nice to people…even if I don’t like them or Im mad ar her or if she is mad at me! People have given her the chance, they say, they said, that she had a BFF last year that tried to help and in the end, the girl never realized there was anything wrong with her…..so the girl dropped her this year!
My thoughts: I cant do that! I would never tell her about my personal life, on several accounts she has embarresed me and told people something I did not want shared……..
Fasion sense: ever seen a high schoool kid wear purple with green? It is not what you would call pretty……If you’re a girl than you know what I mean….
Annoying: she all the time asks you to do stuff together…like every five seconds! Also she always wants to know about me, im not comfotable and she has embarresed me publicly more than once! She also thinks that I’m angry at her a lot…..idk why but that what she thinks so she always asks why I’m mad wt her…which I’m NOT!
Social Skills: I came in the last month of school last year and on my first day she walks up and says “I want to sit next to you next year….do you want to sit next to me?” I didn’t have the heart to tell her no…….she plays with 1st graders when she is bored, she also loves school and loves all her teachers!
She is very sensetive and also dosent live close to the rest of us, so many times we have to exclude her from our after school plans….and the BFF thing…its also a little hard for me…but I don’t play with 1st graders….plus its not only her! Her 2 sisters in 6th and 2nd have exactly the same problems…..I feel bad but do I need to make myself miserable for the rest of high school, to make her happy????????
Thanks for the help!September 5, 2012 4:02 am at 4:02 am #895271
I feel bad but do I need to make myself miserable for the rest of high school, to make her happy???????? “
Is it really such an either/or situation? Does making her happy HAVE to make you miserable? You don’t have to be her best friend (really), but you should not put her in cherem, either. You would not like it if the clique of friends you belong to suddenly decided YOU were persona non grata for some dumb reason (like they don’t like what you are wearing).September 5, 2012 4:10 am at 4:10 am #895272
My thoughts: I cant do that! I would never tell her about my personal life, on several accounts she has embarresed me and told people something I did not want shared……..”
So THAT is a really legitimate complaint, I admit. Tell her straight out that because she has shared your personal thoughts with others inappropriately, you are not comfortable telling her personal information for now.
There is nothing wrong with loving school and loving your teachers. Does she have to NOT like it because you or your friends don’t?
She thinks you’re angry with her, because frankly, you are giving off that vibe to her. You clearly have stated you don’t care to have her in your life too much. Do you think she doesn’t see that on your face? You don’t have to be her best friend. But at least be friendly. She sounds very lonely.September 5, 2012 4:15 am at 4:15 am #895273
OOM: I’m trying my best…but I am REALLY miserable sitting next to her! She is not interesting and the only thing she wants to do is learn! Last year I wanted to sit next to a girl I like and I’m good friends with and when she heard she cried….I’m serious she actually CRIED! I never said I didn’t want to sit next to her I just asked the teacher to sit next to someone else……and I even told the teacher privately so she wouldn’t feel bad…..but somehow she found out!September 5, 2012 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #895274
It is not a crime to be boring or wanting to learn. Some really boring people grew up to be Fortune 500 members. As to the crying, well her feelings were clearly hurt, and though I personally feel she needs to act with a little more dignity than that, and she definitely needs to mature, I think you can reasonably understand why she felt so sad. It must be very painful to walk in her shoes. A little empathy might go a long way.September 5, 2012 7:29 pm at 7:29 pm #895275
Are you talking to me or oomis? 🙂September 5, 2012 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #895276CuriosityParticipant
How many times do I have to tell you guys… Don’t leave the door open, it lets the trolls in!September 5, 2012 10:28 pm at 10:28 pm #895277
Are you talking to me or oomis? 🙂 “
Ya know OOM, I was wondering the same thing.
🙂September 6, 2012 11:29 am at 11:29 am #895278
I’m having a hard time adjusting and I cant juggle my feelings while trying to help at her same time right now…..I know it must be hard for her, but it is wrong to put myself first, right now, while IM misserable too? All the other girls are being supportive to me, and its very hard to juggle her, them, myself, and not to mention I’m the oldest at home right now so its awfully hard for me! I just want to slowly not have her put her whole into me! I want to fit in with all the other girls also…try putting yourself INTO MY SHOES instead of hers for a minute………
Thanks so much for following this thread for me! I really need it right now!September 6, 2012 1:29 pm at 1:29 pm #895279
Troll? lol…welcome to the world of teenage girls. 😛September 6, 2012 4:25 pm at 4:25 pm #895280repharimMember
I can’t tell who’s a troll and who’s not here….You want to get rid of a friend you do it like a jew is supposed to do it. Tell them they are a bad influence on you. Tell them you need friends who will help you grow in sticking to hashem, not the other way around. If they get all angry and ticked off and never talk to you again then that’s exactly what you needed. Hopefully this will be a wake up call to them and they can work on improving themselves as a result. If you break it off “easy” you will be partly for responsible in heaven for letting your friend continue to be a rasha. DONE.September 6, 2012 7:22 pm at 7:22 pm #895281
WAIT! She may be annoying but I just cant go walking around labeling other girls rashaim, can I? I never asked how to get rid of her, how to drop her…….September 6, 2012 7:39 pm at 7:39 pm #895282TheGoqParticipant
I don’t think shopping613 would allow a troll to use her sign on,
“I never asked how to get rid of her, how to drop her..”
What exactly is the difference?
Maybe write her a note.
Dear Sora Chana Rochel i think you are a very nice person and appreciate that you have been friendly to me a new student, however since i am new here i feel i need time before i can become too friendly with anyone i need time to get settled and used to the school perhaps after such time we can become friendly but right now i need time to adjust. Thank You.September 6, 2012 8:10 pm at 8:10 pm #895283
I want to fit in with all the other girls also…try putting yourself INTO MY SHOES instead of hers for a minute…..”
That’s the first problem – what if the girls you want to fit in are not such nice girls (not saying they are not)that their opinion counts as much as you are allowing it to? That’s your first exposure to peer pressure. Do you always do only what other popular girls want you to do? BTW, I have been in BOTH sets of shoes, the person who was not so popular (because I lived out of the immediate neighborhood, though only five minutes away by car) and the person who as an adult was pursued by that “less than desirable” very needy friend (as you are being pursued right now). SO while you do not think I can understand what you are saying, I really DO. I also understand how painful this situation must be for the other girl. And it would be an eye-opener for you to put YOURSELF in HER shoes for a moment. I am not criticizing you, I am trying to sensitize you to what is happening here.
Twenty or thirty years from now you will possibly not even REMEMBER half the girls in your class, much less be friends with them. But you WILL remember and deeply regret if you treated someone badly in order to gain favor with those others who might not be such great girls themselves, or they wouldn’t hold against you the fact that you are nice to this lonely girl and leave her out of activities that you all share. Unless there is way more to this story than what you have presented so far, and this girl is a nasty and simply completely unlikeable person with no redeeming value, both you and your friends might try a new approach. Maybe if she felt other people were more friendly, she would not feel the need to attach herself to one person alone (and I commend you for having done SOMETHING that led her to believe she had at least one friend).September 7, 2012 5:54 am at 5:54 am #895284
There is much more to the problem…for one I did NOT say where I moved…I could be in England or Eretz yisroel or somewhere else….that would mean a language barrier!
I can see the girls are nice girls, this girl has been in their class for years and they right now aren’t mean to her but they aren’t EXTREMELY nice to her….they ask how she is and are nice to her…I think she has the problem…yes ive tried standing in her shoes…but like I said its really hard for me right now too! The other girls told me that she has always been a sad girl and now that I have come I have made her life a little brighter. But she realizes that I don’t exactly like her…..
We cant include her out of school since she lives far away, so when our group of friends holds events out of school we don’t tell her or anyone else about it, so they don’t feel bad. She cant be friends with any other girl cuz no offense to anyone here, there is a HUGE barrier between my group/this girl and the more modern girls……
The teachers don’t let me even SIT next to a more modern girl…..
Ive spoken to some of my friends from out of school (camp and from before I moved) half of them think the whole situation is cute that she practically worships me…the other half tell me to drop her…..
But if I drop her I KNOW I will be less miserable…if I do it in a nice way!
Thanks again for following this and showing me a new perspective of the problem…
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.