August 13, 2013 7:25 am at 7:25 am #610350
i just heard a shiur from rabbi wallerstein on the power of kedushah and how important it is to maintain purity. unfortunately, i havent been too good in this area. bh, i dont do what i used to, but does anyone know how to do teshuvah for… how do i put this… looking at stuff i shouldnt have? hameivin yavin. is there any way to reverse the affects it had on my brain? i feel so guilty, i just want go back in time and change things… i feel like iam constantly thinking about things a bais yaakov girl shouldnt think about and i feel so guilty and i just hate myself.August 13, 2013 1:36 pm at 1:36 pm #1098779
taom you are not alone many people fall prey to the shmutz on the internet but the fact that you want to change is a good start this is the time of year for introspection and trying to make an account on the areas in which we need to improve you have made a good first step the next time you get the urge to look at something that is not good for your spiritual health draw on your inner strength and resist it will get easier over time hatzlacha.August 13, 2013 2:07 pm at 2:07 pm #1098780
i was told recently by a rov (when i was going throgh regreting process… )
what ever done in life can always be made into a good thing, even the worse of things like if whatever u did will make u into a better person then it kind of changes it (not that we can erase so teshuva is needed) and ffrom personal experience i surely became a better person.. if u think to urself i did wrong but that was a mistake but from today things are diff that will automatically change ur feeling. just think i am now becoming a stroger person… and u will!! good luck with everything!August 13, 2013 2:12 pm at 2:12 pm #1098781
Having guilt is a good sign and you should be happy about it. It means that your Neshoma is disgusted from being part on an impropriety. The guilt gives you a chance to do Teshuva. Once you do teshuva (you regret what you did and decide not to do it again) Hashem accepts you back to where you were before. Furthermore, Chazal teach us that when one does Teshuva out of love of Hashem then his/her level is even higher than it was before he/she sinned. Bemokom S’Baalai Tshuva Omdim, Ein Tzadikim Gemurim Yecholim La’amod.August 13, 2013 2:26 pm at 2:26 pm #1098782
Abstain and memories fade.August 13, 2013 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #1098783
When the desire to do such things in the future arises, learn Torah.August 13, 2013 4:06 pm at 4:06 pm #1098784
These pictures will stay with you but you have to work very hard on distracting yourself. Pick a plain thought or vision, such as your last birthday party, and decide to actively bring it to mind every time you find your mind “wandering”. You can’t really stop bad thoughts/images by closing your eyes, you have to actively replace them with something you chose in advance, and beg Hashem to make you successful. It will work! I promise!August 13, 2013 4:18 pm at 4:18 pm #1098785
You should not feel guilty for feeling things that every normal teenager feels.
Shaming teens into repressing certain feelings has very negative consequences later in life.
Whether or not certain material on the internet is appropriate is a different question. But do not fall into the pit of self loathing just because you admit to feeling something that I’m sure most bais yakkov girls do feel but are afraid to talk about.August 13, 2013 5:12 pm at 5:12 pm #1098786
The fact that you want to be pure should give you a great feeling of pride. Daven to Hshem that He should erase your memories and with time they will fade and you will not want to do anything else to soil your beautiful neshama. You sound like an amazing person and your desire to do teshuva, to fill your life with kedusha is so inspiring to me!!!!
Also, very important, unless you need it for parnassa, just access the Internet in a public place, like a library, etc. Take that (technological) pollution (as much as is possible) out of your home. It really makes your home so much better and you feel free! Hatzlacha Raba!!!August 13, 2013 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #1098787
Don’t hate yourself! Regret is an important part of the tshuvah process an you are still a creature created in the image of God.
Here are some resources that might assist you: Rambam’s Hilchot Teshuvah contains a step by step process that might be of help. Both the original Hebrew and an English translation are online at chabad.org; it is part of the Mishneh Torah. So does Rabbi Yonah of Gerona’s sefer Shaarei Tshuvah. Good luck! And RaMChaL’s Mesillat Yesharim, based on a gemara in Avodah Zara, is in large part about elevating ourselves to higher levels of purity.
Good luck! This is a great topic for Elul.August 13, 2013 6:00 pm at 6:00 pm #1098788
GET OFF THE INTERNET
and crack open a Mesillas YesharimAugust 13, 2013 6:31 pm at 6:31 pm #1098789
Charata is amazing! B”H you feel guilty. One of the funniest shaylos ive evet asked a Rav is how to do teshuva without feeling bad. Lol, now i feel guilty i used to be such an idiot.
I agree with chaya.esther, Mesillas Yisharim! Or really anything of that sort. I think instead of constantly telling yourself “i wont look at…” “I will stop…” “I wont…” You start by what you WILL do.
Your yetzer hara loves when you say i’ll stop blah cuz most probably you will fall once or twice and then he has a PARTAAAAY! Soo instead whenever you have this urge you say, “i will go and do blah but first i need to learn this whatever.” You have something good you ADD on rather than keep holding back. Like a baby, you cant just take away his toy you give him something to be distracted by….
Real example from my life, i wanted to watch a certain episode of something so i said i would but first i meed to listen to a whole shiur. By the time it was done i didnt have time vuz of HW and the likes.
We learn in Pirkei Avos “Mitzva gorreres mitzvah” one mitzvah leads to another. Stop yourself by just doing not stopping to do.August 13, 2013 7:33 pm at 7:33 pm #1098790
Regret, which you appear to have, is part of the teshuva process, as is the effort to avoid the aveira the next time one is confronted with it. But if you try your best and still fall on occasion, don’t beat yourself up. Remember every year we have a Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and the teshuva is not just for newly created aveiros. Hatzlachah!August 13, 2013 10:32 pm at 10:32 pm #1098791
The only way to really stop is to go cold turkey. Step by step doesn’t work. You have to just quit and never go back.
I don’t remember where I read this, but the yetzer hara is like a tantruming two-year-old. When the two-year-old is screaming for something, you don’t indulge him (he’ll just do it again next time), and you don’t scream back at him (he likes to get any reaction out of you). You let him finish the tantrum and go on with life.
You can do something similar with inappropriate thoughts: instead of freaking out and trying to push them away while calling yourself a rasha, and instead of indulging them, you just let come and go.
Hatzlacha.August 13, 2013 11:34 pm at 11:34 pm #1098792
the art of the moi:
I totally understand you, cuz I am a bais Yaakov girl who has been there too.
Firstly, keep looking forward and never look back. You feel remorse already so now its moving forward.
Now, I have never managed to completely erase the tummah from myself but it is possible to fill ourself with kedushah so that the images fade to the point where it takes up very little space.
I am saying this from my experience and this is what worked for me. Do what works for you but for me the process was two stepped:
1) Abstain! Stop cold turkey from the behavior. As long as you are continuing the old behavior, change and growing is impossible.
I had to put in filters, change my habits, anything to just stop.
The longer you stay “clean”, the more and more the tumah will fade.
2) Be active in putting more kedusha in your life. This does not mean saying tehillim 100 times a day. It helped me to go speak to a rav for chizuk in this area, listen to a shiur once a week… etc.
A rav once told me that either you are growing , or you are falling back. It is not enough just to abstain, but you need to make a active effort to grow.
I hope my perspective helps you.
Most importantly, do not beat yourself up about it. Move forward, be strong, you are already on the right track and hatzlacha!!August 14, 2013 11:25 am at 11:25 am #1098793
After you stop cold turkey, stop thinking about it. The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuva Perek 2 Halacha 2) says that a part of teshuva is removing the aveirah from your mind.
The Kotzker used to say that mikreh laylah happens most often on Yom Kippur night, because that’s when people think about all their past sins in graphic detail, to “do teshuva”.August 14, 2013 1:33 pm at 1:33 pm #1098794
Don’t feel guilty. That is just another method the yetzer hara uses to bring down a person – guilt for guilt’s sake is never good.
Rather, having sincere charata and avoiding that stuff is the best way to go. You can never really forget what you watched/saw/read but you can do other things to counteract it such as learn something every day or read hashkafically valuable material.August 14, 2013 8:05 pm at 8:05 pm #1098795
yiddishemishpaha- thanks for your kind words,youre so sweet! i cant control my intrnet access,unfortunatly my parents are very against the idea of a filter so i just have to be strong and overcome my yetzer hara every day… i am proud that hashem thinks im capable of doing that but it is sooooooo hard.
chani91- thats a really positive view on things! its true that i am a better person now. also, now that i know the dangers of the internet, i will definetly keep my kids far from it!
bless you- wow that samazing!
syag- thanks for the encoragment, ive tried doing that but its so hard! i just cant keep myself from remembering…
crisis- its not normal teen hormones, i am constantly thinking about the stuff ive seen-especially when i daven…
charlie- thanks for the recources! im definitly going to check them out.
ultimate- i used that technique last night and it worked! THANK YOU!!!!
wallflower- awesome mashal! that clarified things for me…thanks.
batseven- its comforting to know theres someone out there that understands and empathizes with what im going through! thank you for your tips.
notasheep- very insightful! thanks!August 14, 2013 8:13 pm at 8:13 pm #1098796
Can you tell me where i can find R’ Wallerstien speech.
When was it? Maybe i can find it on Torah anytime?August 14, 2013 10:43 pm at 10:43 pm #1098797
its on torah anytime in the womans only section. its called god like and its amazing!August 15, 2013 2:37 am at 2:37 am #1098798
Here is a Mashal.
A tavern owner wanted to close his business and no longer deal with the rif-raf.
So he closed the business, but the crowds hang out there demanding their drinks.
So a rebbe advised him;
“did you empty your shelves?” “Yes i did.”
And did you restock with other merchandise?” “No” ansered the chosid”.
Aaah thats the problem; as long as the shelves/space are empty its not enough, you gotta fill them with different merchandise, and they’ll then go elsewhere.
The nimshal is, to get rid of old ‘machsovos/thoughts” you have to fill the space with new stuff.
Nature abhors a vacum.
Also here is an inspiration.
Ever notice the ‘nun’ is missing in ashrei! Goes straight from mem to samech.
Thats cuz Nun is for ‘noifel’ falling, and everyone falls.
Never the less, the very next posuk is “somech Hashem lchol hanoflim” Hashem picks up all who fall, all you have to do is ask.
As we see in ‘tzetel koton’ Of R’ Elimelch in the prayer before prayer,
we pray so that we should pray well.
In A nutshell? if you’re having problems ( or even if not) say a ‘kapital’ Thillim, and say Hashem just help, i need you, and you can and want to.
And He does.August 15, 2013 3:27 am at 3:27 am #1098799
taom: my rov once told me when i asked him about my thoughts wandering during davening and he said to rub forehead while your praying and it helps…works for me every time gl!August 15, 2013 5:19 am at 5:19 am #1098800
I takes lots and lots of practice to condition yourself. Just like Baal Boose’s mashal. Every time those thought pop in, shove them over with a funny scene from a high school play. Have something picked out and ready and be consistent. It will take lots of persistence but it really works!August 16, 2013 3:01 am at 3:01 am #1098801
GUARDYOUREYES.COMAugust 16, 2013 3:52 am at 3:52 am #1098802
I think all of us struggle with staying tahor in a world that is increasingly tameh. I think constant prayer helps, personal, non-liturgical prayer as described by Reb Nachman and others. The key is to avoid any possibility for being in impure situations. Perhaps a filter on the computer, such as Covenant Eyes, can help.August 16, 2013 5:36 am at 5:36 am #1098803
Do not dwel on what was……….. move forward with passionate pursuit of Chesed, Kedusha and self improvement. Read inspirational books about Sara Schnirer, Rebbetzin Kanievsky, etc… fill up with Kedusgha and do acts of kulo kodesh- selfless Lishma chessed_ and you will be transformed into an improved version of what you were and the past will fade.August 16, 2013 6:12 am at 6:12 am #1098804
baal boose- amazing! i love that mashal. i totally love it! ive been listening to tonz of shiurim lately so hopefully im gonna stop thinking about these stuff. that really renewed my hope- thank you!
that dvar torah is really beautiful.
notsucha- thanks for the tip!
ihear- wow, that site is awesome! thanks!
rabbaim- thanks for the encouragement.August 16, 2013 1:12 pm at 1:12 pm #1098805
Don’t hate yourself! Once you’ve done teshuvah — felt remorse, asked forgiveness, resolved not to do it again, and really didn’t do it again — there’s nothing to be ashamed of! Teshuvah actually rectifies the past. It is even taught that it turns sins in merits. So the effect on your neshamah really has been reversed. When you remember what you’ve done or seen, don’t beat yourself up about it — just remind yourself that everything has happened for the good, and thank Hashem for allowing you to do teshuvah. If you like, pray in your own words (including doing teshuvah and asking that any potential lingering negative effects be eliminated) for a few minutes each day, and then as (as Rebbe Nachman teaches) be happy the rest of the day. Here are a couple relevant quotes:
“God’s greatness is unfathomable: that is why Teshuvah has such power. No matter how far you may have fallen – be it to the lowest depths – never despair, because you can always return to God. With just a little effort you can turn even your worst sins into merits. No matter where in the world you fall, you can easily come back to God. This is because of His unfathomable greatness. Nothing is beyond His power. Just never give up! Keep crying out, praying and pleading to God at all times.” Sichot Haran #3
“You should tell God everything you feel, be it contrition and longing to repent over the past or requests and supplications to come truly close to God from now on, each person according to his level.
Be very careful to get into the habit of spending time every day on your personal prayers and meditation. Fix a regular time for this and then be happy for the rest of the day!” Likutei Moharan II 25August 16, 2013 4:18 pm at 4:18 pm #1098806
It may be helpful to try to replace the disturbing images with images of people acting properly and respectfully.August 16, 2013 10:32 pm at 10:32 pm #1098807
i know you visited the site already and don’t mean to press the issue or put anyone down here but there is so much about that site that you will find amazing just spend an hour on it and you’ll see what i mean,(again maybe you already have i don’t know but just in case you haven’t)there are people just like you, plus professionals etc. so … go be pure again 🙂August 17, 2013 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #1098808
art-of-moi- just one more thing is that if now u are able to explain better to ppl and help them out it becomes another plus…. was it worth it? prob not, but at least try to make it as worth as poss good luckAugust 18, 2013 3:41 am at 3:41 am #1098809
four years after going cold turkey, I am not able to recall any of the images. only what I look like, and I am now extra careful about my level of tznius.September 4, 2015 7:17 pm at 7:17 pm #1098810
remove yourself from your physical desires & only do things that you NEED to do in order to get you through this temporary world (ex. only go out to eat to make your wife happy, only go on vacation in order to refresh yourself to serve Hashem for a full year ahead etc….)
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