December 10, 2015 9:39 pm at 9:39 pm #616812
I am very close with one of my teachers. We had a tear filled discussion about something quite personal, and at the end of it she told me that she loves me.
That may sound weird to the people reading this, but she is my substitute mother in many ways, and given the nature of our relationship, it wasn’t creepy at all. 🙂
How do you think I should have responded to her saying that?
Also, if there are any teachers reading this- thank you. You have no idea how much you might mean to your students.December 10, 2015 10:56 pm at 10:56 pm #1117095TheGoqParticipant
You should have said i love you too it seems accurate and totally uncreepy.December 10, 2015 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #1117096MDGParticipant
I agree with The Goq, assuming that is what you feel, which is what it seems.December 11, 2015 5:00 pm at 5:00 pm #1117097flatbusherParticipant
Letaiken, why do you think it sounds weird? Some people have a very easy time expressing love in words, others have a tougher time. Did you feel it was inappropriate for a particular reason? I do think teachers should be more reserved, even when they have a close personal relationship with a student, especially if the reaction may be like yours. But you definitely should not say it back if you don’t feel that wayDecember 11, 2015 5:24 pm at 5:24 pm #1117098skripkaParticipant
consider yourself lucky, there are tons of people out there who would love to be lovedDecember 13, 2015 6:26 am at 6:26 am #1117099
Thanks for all of the responses.December 13, 2015 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm #1117100
I think it depends on the context and how and why she said it. It might be that she felt that you needed some reassurance for some reason, and wanted you to feel less isolated. In general, though a teacher might need to comfort a student, it is not professional to use the word “love” when speaking with a student. There needs to be a certain level of respectful distance between teacher and student, and it is too easy to cross a line.
I may be expressing myself poorly, but if YOU felt creeped out, then something in the way she said it made you feel that way. You would not be asking a bunch of strangers our opinion, if you did not already feel a little uncomfortable.
I think teachers ideally should be nurturing and loving, but also very professional and circumspect in their private conversations with a student. That is for their own protection, as well as that of the student. V’hameivin yavin.December 14, 2015 12:07 am at 12:07 am #1117101
Thanks for your post, Oomis! I’m finding it really helpful.
Do you think that the teacher expected me to reciprocate by telling her that I love her too?December 14, 2015 4:50 am at 4:50 am #1117102
I don’t ‘chap’. If she’s a teacher and mentor you trust, and she’s going this extra to care for you, what’s the problem of expressing your love towards her? A minute measure of hakaras hatov, a gesture of acknowledging her warmth and close relationship. As one fine poster wrote above, you have a lot to be thankful for.
Am I missing something?December 14, 2015 4:55 am at 4:55 am #1117103screwdriverdelightParticipant
Whenever someone tells me they love me, I stare at them and say “Why?”.December 14, 2015 5:08 am at 5:08 am #1117104
(sure you’re harmless?!?)December 14, 2015 6:50 am at 6:50 am #1117105
LF, your post made me feel so ashamed of myself. 🙁
Thank you so much for all of your help, everyone.December 14, 2015 9:32 pm at 9:32 pm #1117107
Don’t feel ashamed. You have done nothing wrong.
Unfortunately we live in difficult times that mandate a certain boundary be maintained between teacher and student, Rebbie and talmid, Rov and congregant, etc.
It is very unusual for a teacher to use the “L” word to a student. More likely he or she would simply be a caring mentor, who is available for advice or help, without specifying feelings for the student. As to whethet or not you should have said it back, you can write your teacher a nice note at the end of the year, thanking her for the chizuk you got from her and what it meant to you. That does not cross the line, like saying it back to her potentially could negatively lend itself to interpretation.
I know I probably sound like I am off base here, but I have seen things in my life that cause the antennae to go up, even when most likely it is unwarranted. The Yeshiva world is not exempt, as we unfortunately have come to see in recent years. The only reason I have concerns is that you yourself have expressed concern, by even asking our opinion about it. Obviously something bothered you (even though it may be totally, TOTALLY innocent).December 14, 2015 11:56 pm at 11:56 pm #1117108Torah613TorahParticipant
I agree with Oomis’s last post.December 15, 2015 2:14 am at 2:14 am #1117109
Oh, goodness, I sincerely hope it is not my LAST post!!!! 😉December 15, 2015 3:24 am at 3:24 am #1117110
Your post made me feel so much better about this whole thing. Thank you so much, Oomis! You’re the best. 🙂December 15, 2015 3:09 pm at 3:09 pm #1117111
Kind of you to say so. I am glad you feel better.?December 15, 2015 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #1117112
I’m glad you, Oomis, made her happy. And LG, I never C”V intended to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone ashamed of herself, r”l. Please forgive.
I’m just saddened by the fact that everyone’s suspicious, wary, distrustful of teachers, educators, mechanchim. Don’t get me wrong, I’m following all the news, all the time.. outside our camp.. inside.. I know what’s going on.. A bit first hand experience too (unfortunately).. It’s just that when your ingraining into a student’s mind to be distrustful of her educators.. you’ve got a big problem. There has to be a better way than to plant distrust, doubting into the minds of students, otherwise our Mesorah goes out the window. ???? ??? ????? ????, is part of the method of giving over the Mesorah.
To the issue at hand.. I cannot see any real problem with a female educator saying the “L” word to a student.. It’s us whose got the problem. We don’t know what it means or how to apply it. We associate it with out “neighbors’ debased expression.. No. There’s nothing wrong with that word. And I it tell my children (over and over). “Love your neighbor”.. “Love the convert”.. “Love Hashem”. It’s all over in the Torah.
Of course if you notice something dangerous, creepy that is a different story…
-my thoughtsDecember 16, 2015 9:37 pm at 9:37 pm #1117113
LF, of course you make sense. But in this case, LG expressed some concern. Obviously, she felt somewhat uncomfortable. I still believe that in the times in which we live, teachers and students need to always maintain professional distance, even as they admire each other.December 16, 2015 10:53 pm at 10:53 pm #1117114☢️ Rand0m3x 🎲Participant
“a female educator”
cough Australia coughDecember 17, 2015 12:24 am at 12:24 am #1117115writersoulParticipant
I agree with oomis 100%.
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