How to end a first date when there’s no shadchan
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- This topic has 17 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by yechiell.
December 1, 2021 1:09 pm at 1:09 pm #2036707DudleyDParticipant
I will be going on a date with a girl that I met myself and unsure how to end the first date to find out if she will want to go out again. Norm ally I would just say it was nice to meet you good night etc… then find out from the shadchan or friend who set us up if she wanted to go out again. Should I follow the same protocol but instead call or text her the next day to see if she wants to go out againDecember 1, 2021 1:50 pm at 1:50 pm #2036764
Text: I enjoyed our meeting and I am willing to go out with you again and then wait for an answer.December 1, 2021 2:22 pm at 2:22 pm #2036769ujmParticipant
There’s no excuse to not be using a shadchan.
Period.December 1, 2021 3:26 pm at 3:26 pm #2036789
What about one who cannot afford it? Is that part of the wedding to collect money for it?December 1, 2021 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #2036802NoveltyParticipant
Please, please do not tell a girl you are “willing” to go out with her again. That would make her feel horrible!
How about a text that says: “Hi, It was a pleasant evening last time we went out. Would you be interested in meeting again?” Or something like that.
Don’t make her feel like a nebech by telling her you are “willing” to meet her.December 1, 2021 3:34 pm at 3:34 pm #2036804AviraDeArahParticipant
Ujm, there were and are people who are shomrei Torah who for whatever reason have made Shidduchim themselves. Many met in Brooklyn college in the 80s. That doesn’t mean it’s the standard of tznius in the Yeshiva world, or that bnei Torah would do it, but if one observes a woman who he is interested in marrying, it’s not assur to approach her, as long as it’s clear that he’s intended on marriage and nothing else. There needs to be a clear distinction between what’s assur gamur, what’s the proper decorum for a yid, and what is the standard of bnei torah. There’s a difference.
As to the OP, i doubt it’s her first time going out, so all you have to do is make a phone call saying what shadchonim usually say… You had a great time but you don’t feel the shiduch is for you, hatzlocha rabba and have a wonderful day. It doesn’t have to be with any details(that can be more hurtful). I don’t suggest texting. While she might not pry for more info on a phone call, on text people say things they normally wouldn’t say, and the confidence and assertiveness that one can employ on a phone call is missing in a text. I also don’t feel it’s tznius to text women in general.December 1, 2021 3:35 pm at 3:35 pm #2036805AviraDeArahParticipant
That’s if you’re not interested, if you are, then do the same thing on a phone call – it’s not usually a good idea to give an answer on a date itself, because it’s putting her on the spot… Even if there’s a lot of chemistry and you have a strong feeling that she is interested… Mature daters take time to assess after a date. A date is purposeful and time should be spent appropriately. Even if she likes you, she may want to think overnight if there are any issues that are immediate deal breakers for her(or you!)December 1, 2021 4:07 pm at 4:07 pm #2036854commonsaychelParticipant
You take her to the TROLLER restaurant and then take her to the TROLLLER parkDecember 1, 2021 4:49 pm at 4:49 pm #2036811Yabia OmerParticipant
Don’t listen to UJM. I’m willing to bet that most CR users’ parents met without a Shadchan.December 1, 2021 7:48 pm at 7:48 pm #2036974Shimon NodelParticipant
There are many types of people, and using a traditional shadchan just doesn’t work for some (a lot of people).
My advice to you is just be straightforward. No need for many fancy words. Just text “let’s go out again.” Show that you’re confident.December 2, 2021 9:11 am at 9:11 am #2037078tunaisafishParticipant
Common saychel lol.December 6, 2021 11:29 am at 11:29 am #2038493WolfishMusingsParticipant
There’s no excuse to not be using a shadchan.
And if you happen to meet on your own and hit it off?
The WolfDecember 6, 2021 2:28 pm at 2:28 pm #2038605Amil ZolaParticipant
I met my husband when we were both receiving chemo while in grad school. Our families were not bound by the tradition of using a shadchan. I think that UJM gets his broad brushes wholesale, he using them so frequently they have to be rather inexpensive:)December 6, 2021 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #2038704Always_Ask_QuestionsParticipant
Does anyone use non-professional shadchanim? Parents, friends, teachers – people who know you.December 6, 2021 10:17 pm at 10:17 pm #2038802ujmParticipant
“Does anyone use non-professional shadchanim? Parents, friends, teachers – people who know you.”
Of course! Those are the best Shadchanim. They’re much better than the so-called “professional” Shadchanim.December 7, 2021 12:05 am at 12:05 am #2038846Always_Ask_QuestionsParticipant
> Of course! Those are the best Shadchanim.
ok, so it is not just my family’s minhag. I drove to meet my future wife only so that these good friends of mine stop hacken my tchainik with suggestions of even longer travel.December 7, 2021 10:15 am at 10:15 am #2038964
I was matched up through a plumber who worked by both parties. My wife a’h and myself created a shidduch where the union is still standing strong.December 7, 2021 1:45 pm at 1:45 pm #2039083yechiellParticipant
plumbers can detect if there is a leak in the relationship
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