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i know you cant have a grudge but i cant seem to forgive one of my friends who was VERY hurtful and i told her and i even said its right before yom kippur and she just ignored me. i cant seem to forgive a girl like this.
You don’t have to forgive her if she’s unrepentant.
Who said she’s wrong? Just because you feel she’s wronged you doesn’t necessarily mean she objectively wronged you.
Don’t let your entire life be ruined over 1 event that took place. Put it behind you and move on (i know it’s easier to say then do, but your life is too precious to be ruined or become depressed C”v)
I’ll meet you at the airport to wave goodbye to the grudge so you can move on and continue a happy life
its seems to me that she herself has many issues…she seems to be part of the croud suffering from mood swings…she was in that kind of a mood..but you have choice if you want to let her mood make you moody and pained…this is totaly your choice because only you and only you can take charge of your own feelings..and that goes for forgiving to …
dont let her be your tenant living in you with a painful grudge .just get rid of this tennant she is not paying rent for you…just giving you a headache so throw her out ..be freindly and nice feel happy of your attitude your power of control..and wait for great surprises ,,,hatzlucha
I’m normally not one to give my advice being that I feel I’m not worthy and who would wanna listen to me but on this topic I can promise you I know what I’m talking about. There was this girl who to put it mildly ruined my name and basically my life a few years ago she told people alot of lies about me ,that I hung out with the wrong people etc. And basicly my camp life and school life were destroyed and no one wanted to talk to me because they thought I was bad.And eventually I started thinking no one will believe me anyways and i started doing the very things she said about me if not worse.(eventually I worked hard and Baruch hashem things only got better and i had alot of friends)for years I wished something bad happened to her that she should suffer the same way i did that she should feel what lonliness and depression feels like and then one day i came to a scary conclusion I realized that the only way for me to have closure is to let go and forgive i cant say that it was easy i didnt even know if i had to she made me get kicked out of places and i couldnt get summer jobs because of it but sat down on my bed and started writing about everything all my feelings I was crying but ya know what after that I didn’t send it to her (which technically I could have.I just threw it away and with that all my anger went away (she doesn’t believe she did any thing wrong before i forgave her I trued being mature …at some point I called her to talk things through and she said that I owe her an apology I had nothing to do with her prior to the rumors she made up but yet I still asked her for forgiveness and she said no….I plain hung up the phone on her…I was not gonna get angry) so basically my humble advice to u is just do what it takes to forgive you can write you can talk or you can just think and you will feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders love, sadgirlygirl
Stop replying to her text messages and pretty soon she will stop texting you
You get rid of grudge by forgetting about it and her. She ignored you and if you ignore her you will solve the problem. Block her calls and texts. Don’t say Loshan Horah about her. Just completely erase her from your memory. In a few weeks you will have forgotten all about her and the grudge. The problem is you are in abusive relationship, according to you, and you keep on going back for more.
Sparkly – I can totally relate to you, because this is something that has always been a big issue for me. I have a VERY hard time forgiving people who are not sorry and do not apologize to me, especially if I have tried speaking to them and let them know that I am hurt and am waiting for their apology.
I have always felt very guilty about not forgiving people and I have wasted a lot of time and energy trying to force myself to forgive people. I have also done what you are doing and continued to be “friends” with people I hated because I felt like I had to.
I spoke to a Rav at one point about it and he told me that according to Halacha I am not required to forgive someone who does not apologize. I felt much better once he said that.
What has helped for me is the following:
1. Trying not to feel guilty about the fact that it is hard for me to forgive people.
2. Acknowledging and accepting my feelings.
3. Not trying to push myself to forgive people if I really feel I can’t.
4. Making sure that they are aware that I am upset with them and that I would want to continue being friends with them but can only do so if they apologize to me.
5. If they still refuse to apologize to me, I discontinue the relationship, and wait things out.
6. Sometimes, I do eventually reach a place where I feel that I no longer need an apology and can be friends with them without it. However, I try hard to be honest with myself and only recontinue friendships if I really feel I am “holding” by it and I am ready to let go and I am not just pretending.
A few other things that can be helpful:
1. Remembering that whatever happens is from Hashem and is good and nothing anyone can does can change that. Even if it seems like someone else harmed you, they can’t do anything to you. Whatever happened to you was from Hashem and not from them.
2. Try to figure out where they were coming from and why they may have done what they did. In other words, try to be “dan l’kaf zchus.”
Whether or not, the above 2 things are shayich for you depends on you and on the situation. If you feel that you can’t think that way and pushing yourself makes things worse, then don’t. I know that sometimes I need to work more on acknowledging my feelings and not on focusing on the above 2 things, and trying too hard just makes things worse. But if you are able to do them, then it’s kidai.
I recently had a problem with a coworker for whatever reason we did not like each other and this went on for many months with traded barbs this person sullied my reputation with others at my work and i would be angry every time i saw this person, I felt like the wronged party but in the end it doesn’t matter who’s to blame so I came up with a mantra to say to myself whenever i would be around this person i would think he wont change so i will have to, at first it was difficult but it has gotten easier to just ignore this person.
There are always going to be people who hurt you and dislike you and there is never going to be a thing you can do about it but you have the power to let it go don’t let them own a piece of you.
so here you go ,,,she has so many problems more then you imagine…plus very jealous…can you take pity on her…she needs you more then you need her…when ever she is in that crazy mood and gives it out to you, understand thats the way she is talking to herself to..cause what ever she feels inside is what she does outside..not your problem at all…and besides what do you gain of the grudge ..one thing for sure..anger and PAIN…i know it will seem like the impossible but i promise its doable…give her sympathy..she needs loads…forgive for the sake of forgiving..even though you might be stuck with the pain….that might go away …by the end of the road you might be the one to save her…what a great reward…but!!!! if you find its the impossible for heavens sake just drop her for the time being….
Sparkly – my point was that if you can’t forgive her, then don’t push yourself. If you are mad at her, drop the friendship – it’s not good for you or for her, and stop pushing yourself to forgive her if you feel you can’t. You are not obligated to halachically and it is not good for you to feel pressured to if you can’t.
That’s just my opinion.
Healthy boundaries so you aren’t triggered again by her and have space to figure out what feels right for you.
plus for me at least…
Yoga helps tons!!! Seriously these emotions are stored in klippot in the body. Especially in the hips. Working out the physical effects will release the feelings, and allow you to process them anew. At least that’s what happens with me.
Thank you
it seems like your sticking to her for your own sake.cause you got no other freinds…but who says she is a freind???? Is it anyway possible to find new freinds? you are so dependent on her that you get to hurt what she says…and because you need her it becomes to hard to forgive..
Sparkly You said: “i cant seem to forgive a girl like this. “
Do you want her as your friend? Is she a healthy friend for you?
It’s okay to not be friends with someone too.
Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes a grudgey feeling is a red flag warning me to stay away from this person. In the past I used to ignore these signs way too often, believing that enough heart energy could heal the world.
Lately focusing on maintaining healthy friendships, and distancing myself from as many toxic influences as possible has helped me shift to positive relationships.
…Just a thought
Thank you
Sparkly, I think that if someone asks for forgiveness, you should forgive them without their doing something for you. I think that is the halacha too. Unless there is something that they did that needs undoing.
Sparkly, then you should ask her to undo what she did, but you can’t tell her to do something random that has nothing to do with what she did. That’s what it sounded like you meant, but perhaps I misunderstood.
Sparkly – I don’t get why you passed on the question to the Coffee Room regarding what you should have her do then? If we don’t know what she did to you, how can we know how she should undo it? Or did you explain this and I missed it?
Its becoming like teenage drama hour here
I don’t fully know the situation, not even close, so if what I’m saying is way off you can just disregard it.
It sounds like you’re in a deadlock: You want to forgive her, but she won’t listen to you. She wants you to apologize for something, you think there is nothing to apologize for.
It’s a deadlock – both of you think you are right, and there’s no way either one of you will get anywhere if each one pushes her own agenda. The only way to get anywhere is if one of you gives in (me’vater) at least a little.
That leaves you, Sparkly, with two options.
Your first option is to keep pushing her until she gives in. This rarely works, and based on what you’ve said so far about the situation, I find this very unlikely to work.
Your second option is to give in a little yourself. Hear her out. Figure out why she wants you to apologize. Admit that you might be wrong, even if you don’t think so deep down. Once you step back a bit and loosen up the deadlock, you are more likely to get somewhere.
Sorry, I just realized I had I read sadgirlygirl’s story and mistakenly thought it was part of your story
Meno -these threads can get very confusing!
Are there no other Jewish females your age in your shul or in your community that you can make new friends with. Is she the only one? Get involved in Chesed projects and you will make new Jewish friends and ignore her completely. If you go back to being close friends with her it will only happen again. You are in an abusive relationship and you must divorce her.
Sparkly – yours= Sparkly’s. He mixed up Sadgirlygirl’s story with yours (sparkly’s). That’s why he thought your friend wanted an apology
Sparkly,
your
Sparkly .Why would it make that great difference if she would apologize? cause if she is a real freind you would beable to forgive and go on with freindship, if she is not your type, your cup of tea, just you have a problem letting go…then understand and accept her personality,if you dont excpect her to change then you wont be hurt and you can stop giving so much, you wont feel she owes you..your relationship becomes an evevn steven type..and its ok to have such freinds to..
So you are in denial about her personality and try to convince yourself it wont happen again. That only provokes more pain when she abuses you. No matter how long you have been freinds.
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