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I know a girl who is not OTD but is sort of heading in that direction. How can i help her without giving her the feeling that shes a nebach case?
are you a guy or girl?
Email her a link to this thread!!
If she really is a nebach case you don’t need to tell her because she already knows.
How well do you know her?
There are programs around that provide mentors – where does she live?
From your years of experience in such matters please define what sort of heading in that direction means to us laymen, also please define what you consider a nebach case. thank you.
As a teenager myself, here is my advice. Just be nice. Give her the feeling that you are always there for her. Even to get her out of a mess she has put herself into.
When she decides to change and come back, shell know there is SOMEONE there to help her.
NOBODY can change her. Only she herself has to want to change in order for it to happen. So if she doesn’t want it, don`t bother pushing too hard.
“As a teenager myself, here is my advice. Just be nice. Give her the feeling that you are always there for her. Even to get her out of a mess she has put herself into.
When she decides to change and come back, shell know there is SOMEONE there to help her.
NOBODY can change her. Only she herself has to want to change in order for it to happen. So if she doesn’t want it, don`t bother pushing too hard.”
Pringle, very well-said!
She is confused and suffering .Thats her cover up…yes she needs a good therapist especialy a frum …there are names that I can mention since I am in this field..but I need to know which neighberhood ..
absan- you are probably right, but it doesn’t sound like she would appreciate someone giving her the name of a therapist. Actually, most people wouldn’t unless they asked.
Better to find a program that’s matim to her and won’t make her feel like a nebach case. And then maybe through the program, she will end up going to a therapist.
Maybe there is a summer camp or program that would be matim for her.
How old is she and where does she live?
jhonny appleseed – first step is not talking to her so that way she doesnt talk to boys. ncsy? how do you know shes going otd? the reason why i recommend ncsy since i know people who went completely otd never thought theyd come back on went to ncsy and are now frum again! this is so sad that she doesnt talk to her parents:( i really feel bad when otd people dont talk to their parents. i get happy when they still have a good relationship with their parents but most unfortunately dont.
lilmod ulelamaid – if you gave someone a therapist to talk to theyd be mad with you.
Rabbi Jacobs has been starting all these programs for kids and teenagers. There is a hotline but it doesn’t sound like she would call it. Maybe you could call to ask them aitza about what to tell her.
I think they were going to be starting a mentoring program, maybe, but I don’t know if they did. I’m not in Lakewood now, but have you seen anything advertised in the local publications?
I know someone I can call to try to find out if there is such a thing.
Sparkly: “lilmod ulelamaid – if you gave someone a therapist to talk to theyd be mad with you.”
That was exactly my point!
I wouldn’t recommend NCSY if she’s not talking to boys and she’s from a background where that’s unacceptable. A certain Rav who used to work in NCSY compared it to the Para Aduma – it’s metaher the temaim and metamei the tehorim.
While they do great things and can be great for some people, they can be bad others. This girl does not sound like a good candidate for NCSY.
I am sure that Lakewood has programs for girls like her. I will look into bli neder and get back to you.
jhonny appleseed – dont get scared. calm down. ive dealt with many people before in this kind of situation. First of all how old is she? because theres different stages of teenagehood that otders go thru. what kinds of stuff are you referring to? what kind of hard stuff is she going thru? maybe the school isnt a right fit for her? maybe she needs something else?
Johnny, maybe you should call the Lakewood hotline and ask them for advice.
lilmod ulelamaid – whats the lakewoods hotline?
There’s a hotline for teenagers. It’s advertised in Lakewood publications. It started recently under the auspices of Rav Yehuda Jacobs. He is also working on a lot of other programs for kids-at-risk. I’m not sure what else there is yet, but I can find out tomorrow, bli neder.
lilmod ulelamaid – do you give in your name?
I am not sure, but I assume that you can be anonymous. I will try to get more info for you if you want.
lilmod ulelamaid – okay thanks. please let me know.
jhonny appleseed – “Shes not up to the stage of talking to boys yet but she tells me of some things that she’s done and i’m really scared of where she’ll end up!”
ur username is jhonny, that is usually a boys name. however you dont sound like your related to her and you said she dosnt talk to boys (and chezchas ksherius, so ill assume, if your a boy, that you dont talk to girls either)
so i ask you again, are you a guy or a girl?
jhonny appleseed – so why is your name johnny?
JA, Sparkly & anyone else who is interested: At the end of this post, I posted 2 links that talk about the hotline.
It is called Regesh, it is anonymous, and the number is: (732) 367-7700.
You don’t have to have a serious problem to call, so she might not be offended if you suggest that she calls as long as you are very careful how you say it. I would also make sure that I brought it up at an appropriate moment in a conversation. For example when she is complaining about something, you can suggest that she call. Or maybe just casually mention that you heard about this great hotline for teens and that you were thinking of calling for advice. IF you do it that way, she won’t feel like a nebach case!
Actually, the best idea would probably be for you to call up and ask them for advice regarding how to help her or how to get her to call. In addition to the fact that they may be able to advise you, you can then casually mention to her that you recently called this hotline for advice and they were really helpful!
It also might be helpful for you to have someone to talk to if you are planning on continuing to try to help her.
Kol Hakavod for caring so much about your friend! It should be with hatzlacha!
Sorry, took out the links
I just saw that there is also an email address: [email protected]
She seems to trust you and tell you things she wouldnt share with anyone else even her parents then she has trust in you.If thats the case you could explain that ,she seems to be going through changes in her life and you are concerned,ask her gently if she would like to speak to someone who would be there for her to listen and help her through..since she trusts you,you could also ask her why she needs to change, but make sure to ask it in a freindship way .You might be pleasntly surprised that she will open up and appreciate the freindship…and your careing… Keep me informed how it went…
It definitely had links -is that a problem? It also might have been long.
It is important though – this sounds like it could involve pikuach nefesh!
Moderators – thanks for putting it back. In terms of the links, they were just articles describing the organization/hotline. If anyone is interested, they can google it (Regesh hotline Lakewood). One article was from The Lakewood Scoop and one was from Tekuma.
JA – keep me updated if you can. It should be with Hatzlacha!
lilmod ulelamaid- i dont need the number thanks. i have no issue with yidishkeit b’h.
jhonny appleseed – what kind of school is it that its too frum for her? for high schoolers to start saying random stuff that they shouldnt say or know about i would be concerned but if shes in college she probably heard it their and just repeats after them. so nothing to worry about. shell marry before you know it and everything will be okay.
Sparkly, you wrote this before: “lilmod ulelamaid – okay thanks. please let me know.” And no one said you had an issue with Yiddishkeit. You said you wanted the information – that doesn’t mean you have an issue with Yiddishkeit! Maybe you want it for someone else.
Sparkly-That a heaping plate of balogna. Who will she marry? If she really is imitating what she hears no frum boy will wanna marry her and she’ll marry some “mo” as you would call it. Then I wouldn’t assure she’ll go back the way she should be without a good husband to guide her.
Lefty SoferStam – at least her husband will keep shabbos and kosher better than nothing.
Can I ask you why before you said “and everything will be okay” and now you say “at least”?
And by the way why do you say “at least” by a husband who will keep shabbos and kosher according to you he is a frum Jew (as you said in another discussion) that would just be wonderful
Lefty SoferStam – im meaning to say that least even if he isnt a yeshivish guy at least his a frum guy. because im talking about 2 different things.
this kid is only 15 and your arguing about marriage how far fetched…it might very well be the kid thats posting might herself be troubled..my suggestion…. if its you or your freind if you are serious of getting help …there are so many people you could talk to if you realy mean to help or get better like teachers ..older sibling…you say her parents are nice people … speak to them beleive you me they are the ones who care the most…they might be shoked but dont worry they love you most and will help you most…hatzlucha
absan – i was saying marriage if she were older.
JA – has there been any improvement? Did any of the advice here help? Did you try the hotline I mentioned?
Sooo does that mean the advice helped?
dont assume things the way i talk and act is like someone at risk but i would NEVER go otd chasvichallila.
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