How to solve the shidduch crisis?

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    LoyalJew, if it’s rabbinic leadership that created the system, let them fix it. It still isn’t my problem. If the critical mass or a significant enough minority to make a difference, has abandoned the system, that’s a failure of the rabbinic leadership to either maintain control over their flock, or a failure of the system. In either event, why maintain the mirage?


    It is very simple. As long as potential in-laws do not know the right color tablecloth to use on Shabbos, their children will be rejected by every shadchan and put on the open-secret “nebach lists” that circulate in every mikveh from Monsey to Baltimore and even in LA.

    I tried to solve this problem on being a half of the Admou”r meCreedmoor. I asked the rosh kollel of the Federal kollel in Otisville if some of the yungerleit there could get me good deals on white tablecloths that I could sell to shadchanim who would in turn mark them up for resale to their clients. Instead, the rosh kollel tells me I should build a new venue for shidduch dates on this parcel of swampland he has outside Monroe. I told him I’d take the swampland off of him and build a pool hall there for oisvorfen and give him 20% of the take instead, because you don’t need a facility like that for a Monroe beshow. All of a sudden his pretty blonde therapist, or counselor, or whatever, came by, so he tells me in Hungarian, saygec arosz, sikca arann. I see him, I says a dank tzi gott far Federal koilel.

    Then, there is this problem of complete ignorance of waist sizes among bochurim and their parents. This singer that just peygered, Whitney, or Britney, or whatever, was a size 2 all her life, because she used cocaine to maintain her figure. Now, if you want that my Federal kollel connections should sell your kallah some cocaine, that’s OK, but even in Creedmoor it’s really not recommended. You want to stop this size 2 nonsense once and for all? Show a bochur a shtick holtz, 2 by 4, that’s 2 inches by 4 inches, and say that a size 2 is the width of the 2 side of a 2 by 4. Since the bochur’s mother, who is probably wider than a sukkah door by now, is really the one who is so concerned about size 2, that will put a stop to such nonsense once and for all.

    Now, as for a learning boy versus a working boy: you have to decide, you want your husband to learn when you get married, you want him to work and provide for a family, or you want him to make gescheftn and end up learning in Federal or State kollel? If you want the last, you better take a few courses in creative bookkeeping so you end up with the gelt when he goes away for a while. Also remember that you and your children will always be doing the laundry for him – washing all his shmutzig gelt through your accounts and trust funds. If you want the first, you have three choices – a very rich father in law who may also have learned in Kollel Fed, a life of food stamps and welfare, or working all your life. Remember that there are Federal advanced seminaries as well, and this is another way to provide for a kollel family. However, if you want to go that route, marry a real kollel guy and not a Federal kollel guy.


    Was this (that a certain percent of frum girls didn’t have anyone left to marry) a problem in the ’70’s, or did it develop later than that?


    AZ- I don’t disagree with the facts. But i believe boys marrying older girls will remain the minority, and 23 yr. old boys will continue to marry 22,21,20, and 19 yr old girls. Which leaves us with a substantial unclosed gap.

    Perhaps I am simply unaware of some other measures possible – what exactly are you referring to ?


    AZ, most shidduchim are done by non-professional shadchanim. Even if NASI encourages professionals to push close in age shidduchim, most shidduchs will still not be affected by this effort.


    MSS said: “the recent NASI offering which was nausea inducing for many normally very tolerant and easygoing ehrlich people.” AZ, called the statement, “so totally out of line, motzei shem ra, libel.”

    I cannot speak for MSS, but most people i have spoken to from a very wide spectrum of the frum velt, indeed, viewed the NASI initiative very harshly. I have heard it been called rishus and a scam, among other terms.

    on a personal level, the NASI initiative seems to me – at best- no different than someone brokering kidneys – which most people do indeed get nauseated by, even if they understand the need.

    perhaps the initiative is a good one that needs to marketed differently to reduce nausea. maybe we are all judging it harshly because it was presented poorly not because it is really a scam or rishus.



    If 23 year old boys marry 22 or even 21 year old girls instead of 19 and 20 year olds the problem will be greatly mitigated and iy”h disappear.

    The point is for boys to marry girls who are NOT so much younger than they.

    Sushe: The problem is a realitely new phenomana based on two realitviely new issues.

    1. Family sizes (population growht) has B”H grwon considerable. In the 70’s the number of families with 10 childrend was ver very few

    2. the rigid societal structure that boys don’t begin dating enmasse untill 22/23 was not in effect in the 70’s.

    hence in the 70’s no shidduch crisis.


    If 23 year old boys marry 22 or even 21 year old girls instead of 19 and 20 year olds the problem will be greatly mitigated and iy”h disappear.

    I’ve got to tell you, I never get tired of hearing you say that the shidduch crisis is, in small part, my fault, because I married a girl two years younger than myself.

    The Wolf



    G-d forgives. You dont. Nice to know.

    Now that youre advocating for the Lakewood Shadchanim, who can balance it and advocate for the many Rachmonusdik parents of girls in Shidduchim, and protect their feelings and interests?

    In the name of people who have daughters on the market, and Ive spoken to many- from their experience, with very few exceptions, they feel the Lakewood Shadchanim focus on the “low lying fruit”. That involves the girl within a year or two of seminary, the guy within a year or two of Israel. Even those, often never get called back at all, after getting the hard to get appointment, and meeting and getting interviewed by the Shadchanim, after months of calls by parents for appointments. Many never get an appointment!!!!

    Zeh Mah SheYaish, based on people who have daughters in the Parsha who have contacted or attempted to contact the well known Lakewood Shadchanim.

    Touch of class, a store that sells highly expensive designer clothing in Brooklyn, caters to a narrow clientele (the rule), except when their stuff goes on sale, or smaller less expensive items (the exception). The bulk of what they bring in, suits, coats, dressy outfits, are not affordable to most. Is that Motzei Shem Ra?

    Reality is reality, my friend.



    Why makes you think NASI is encouraging profeesional shadhcnaim. Every one of their programs is geared towards all kinds of ppl who redd shidducimk. In additon their efforts to change the mindest and make it acceptable to date girls the same age as a boy or even older is effective regardless of who the shadchan it.

    There is certainly plenty more that could and shold be done and Sushe- GO FOR IT!!!!


    For starters please be accurate-tx

    the statement was

    “The top Lakewood Shadchanim dont call back/never meet/dont bother with any girls who dont have reputations for being either the smartest, richest or prettiest.”

    That is what i reffered to as “so totally out of line, motzei shem ra, libel.”

    G-D forgives when people apologize and so will I.

    Last i checked the writer hasn’t apologized (though they did soften their tone) and therefore i won’t engage them…. but the door is wide open…


    Last I checked, the writer who speaks of neccessary apologies, ought to begin the apologies here for talking down to and treating with disrespect anyone who disagrees with him. Ive never mentioned that I feel that way, others have on numerous occassions, though.

    My friend, I believe those sentiments to be worthy of apology to the many CR members who have stated that they feel hurt that way.

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