How to stick out school?

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  • #619077
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    I need advice from High School graduates! How did you manage to stay through the whole high school without dropping out? what motivated you to stay even though you hate every minute of it and noone in your school understands how much you hate every second and you just want to get out of there right this second and you come home crying every day and you just CAN’T STAND ANOTHER SECOND IN THAT **** place? Everyone keeps telling me “just another year and a 1/2!” but even that is way too LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGGGGGGG! i feel like just dropping out now!

    Any advice?

    Thanx!

    #1216030
    Geordie613
    Participant

    The attitude is a bit worrying. I’ve been out of school for longer than I was in it now, and to be quite frank, That’s life ol’ boy! Make the best of it, because it doesn’t get any better or easier when you’re out of school and have to earn a living.

    I would suggest, speaking to a responsible adult, maybe a teacher, your family’s Rabbi or the principal to see how you can get the best of your remaining years of school.

    #1216031

    Do what our son did. Sat down with us and explained why he did not like the Mesivta he was in and why a different Mesivta would be better. After discussing the issues he switched to the other mesivta. While at the time I was not totally in agreement with him, I cannot deny that it was the best thing we could have done for him (and us).

    #1216032
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “what motivated you to stay even though you hate every minute of it and noone in your school understands how much you hate every second and you just want to get out of there right this second and you come home crying every day and you just CAN’T STAND ANOTHER SECOND IN THAT **** place?”

    I don’t know if this is very helpful, but in my case, even though everything you’re saying was true for me and probably most of my classmates, dropping out wasn’t an option anyone considered back then. So as hard as it was to go to school, and as much as we hated it, we didn’t feel like we had a choice. Which may have made it easier in a way.

    Maybe you can try to tell yourself that you don’t have a choice. I would think that would make it easier. It sounds like maybe part of the hardship is that you feel like dropping out is an option, so therefore it’s hard not to.

    Alternatively, can you switch high schools? Would that help or would it not make a difference?

    #1216033
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    I would love to switch schools and i’ve made it known to everyone but my parents refuse to hear about it! i think it would really make a big difference if i was in a different more open minded school because i feel lk im bing choked in this school and i can’t be who i really am or people think im weird and i don’t really hv any close friends in school that i wud miss! What can i do if my parents refuse to hear about it and i’ve already spoken to my principal who agreed that there’s nothing to do about bing miserable and i just have to stick it out but why should i? i feel like its making it worse for me to be in school. My parents are already worried about some of the things that i do and they feel like if i switch to a more free-for-all school, ill get bad influences and i’ll go otd! (Typical lkwd parents!)

    #1216034
    Joseph
    Participant

    What type of hashkafa is the school you’re in and what type of hashkafa school do you think is better for you? Are you a boy?

    #1216035
    Ex-CTLawyer
    Participant

    I hated my high school. I wasn’t challenged at all and the teachers had jobs solely because they were relatives of the Menahel.

    My parents arranged for me to take college courses during the day and attend shiur at night. As long as they were paying full tuition the school was just fine with it. By the time I finished high school I had 33 college credits.

    About 3 years after I left, a new Board of Directors took over and cleaned house. My younger siblings had a better experience after that.

    #1216036
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    JA – First of all, I am super-impressed that you felt comfortable discussing this with your principal! Kol hakavod!

    It sounds like your parents don’t want you to switch because they are concerned that the school/type of school you would switch to would be worse for you. I would suggest one of the following:

    1. Try to figure out if there an in-between option – a school that both you and your parents can agree on. A school that may be a bit more right- wing than you prefer but is more open than the school you are in now.

    2. Show your parents that you really want to grow and that you won’t go otd if you switch schools. Explain to them why you think that switching schools will be better for your spiritual growth and that you think you are less likely to go otd if you switch schools.

    Maybe you can show them this by making some kind of deal with them. Like tell them that if they let you switch, you promise to do xyz (xyz being some kind of ruchnius thing, like something in tznius that is hard for you but you think you can commit to and will be willing to commit to if they let you switch).

    3. Find a mentor, teacher or neighbor whom you can speak to about this and ask them to speak to your parents.

    4. If none of the above are options, stick it out because you have no choice. But try to find a way to make it better. Can you find some kind of outlet – something enjoyable that you can involve yourself in when you’re not in school so that school will be more bearable since it won’t be your entire life? Or can you find something about school that you enjoy and try to focus on that aspect of school?

    5. In any case, I think you would benefit a lot from having a mentor.

    Hatzlacha! I feel for you.

    #1216037
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Ps to my above post: I just want to add that it is clear from your posts that you are someone who cares a lot about Ruchnius growth, so maybe if you could get your parents to see that, they would be more likely to let you switch to a school that might be better for you.

    That is where a mentor, neighbor, or teacher who could speak to your parents might be useful.

    I’m also wondering if you ever called the hotline I recommended in the past. Not that you have to tell me if you did, but I do think it might be a good idea for you to do so.

    #1216038
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    LU: you always have the best advice!

    Keep it up!

    #1216039
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Joseph – she is a girl.

    #1216040
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    JA – 🙂

    let us know how it goes, and if any of the advice ends up helping! I really hope things work out for you!!!! You sound like a great girl and I hope you are able to keep strong and get through the rest of high school!

    #1216041
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    jhonny appleseed: It’s so true! Listen to LU. You have no other option. You will graduate. I hated it too, especially my last two years. I was depressed and cried a lot. A lot!

    My mom really saved me by writing me notes for excused tardies. I think I came to school late more days than not in my last year, at least. I would take so long to get ready for school, literally waiting for my anxiety to settle.

    I couldn’t drop out. I knew that. Most of my effort was spent getting to class on time, staying in school, and making the best out of the classes that I did like, such as Art and English.

    Focus on what you like about school. We’re here for you too. You’re going to do it. Grab onto a class, or teacher, and do whatever you need to do to feel good and think about it in terms of projects, rather than time. At least, that helped me. I thought about what art projects I had left, or essays to write. I would have gone crazy if I was one of the students who counted down the days.

    You will graduate. I promise. You can do this. You’re so close. Keep going. Promise you will feel so great when you’re done 🙂

    #1216042
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    I’m just so miserable every day it gets worse! i’m so tired of having to be around so many people that judge me by the hairstyle i’m wearing every day!

    How pathetic! i need to get out of that place cuz if i don’t i might end up getting myself kicked out- on purpose or not!

    I needa get a normal life for myself! Because i hate skwl so much, i never study for any tests cuz i wanna get bak @ all my teachers so i just about flunk my whole report card! so anyways i’m not even getting my diploma so i may as well just drop out anyways!

    #1216043
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    You said that you still have a year and a half. That’s enough time to make a change. You’re not in school to please your teachers. You’re in school for your own benefit. Ultimately this is for you.

    Just because it’s not great doesn’t mean that it has to be a catastrophe.

    Surely there is something that you do like about school?

    Also, those girls don’t matter. You are great and one day b”H these experiences will be far gone. In order to get to this place, first please… tell me, what’s good about school?

    What are three things that you like about school? Even getting out of the house for a few hours could be something, etc:

    1) ?

    2) ?

    3) ?

    #1216044
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    1. i like computers class

    i can’t think of anyone else!

    But it does matter what ppl think of u cuz that’s the whole purpose of h.s. mostly 4 the social scene and if ppl don’t lk u (which in my case is a big reason y i don’t lk skwl) then ur doomed 4 a miserable h.s.!

    H.s. does depend on ur social life and if it’s not gr8 then i’ts a prob.!

    #1216045
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    JA – that sounds really tough! Do you know why you are having a problem socially? Is there anything you can do about it?

    If that is the issue, switching schools might actually be a bad idea since that might be escaping the problem instead of dealing with it.

    I really think that having a mentor would be a really good idea.

    #1216046
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Understandable. Esp when your entire social group consists of those high school kids. Do you have friends from other activities or shul?

    When I was in high school, people told me that the kids that bothered me in high school wouldn’t matter when I got older. It was so true! Some of them, I later learned, thought that I was pretty okay. They just were too insecure to say anything.

    Yay computer class! That’s awesome. One thing is still a good thing 🙂

    Focus on that, if you can. I know it’s hard to deal with other girls. Sending you love.

    #1216047
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! thanx!

    I think the biggest cause of all my issues Ex: gng against rules, not bing truly happy w myself, all the bad things i do in front of or bhind ppl’s backs……, i think it all comes down to 1 thing: cuz i had so much polotics in my whole Elementary and h.s. carreer so far, it rlly brought down my self esteem! I rlly am down in the dumps rite now! (especially cuz the kid hu i thought was my BFF just dropped me and it’s not the 1st time i was dropped!) i needa get out of this H*** NOW! (I’m more worried abt myself gng otd than my parents are!)

    LU: how do you just get urself a mentor?

    #1216048
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Johnny – call Regesh at: 18555-tekumah. You’ll be given an automated list of extension numbers – 2 is for the girls’ hotline and 6 is for the mentoring program.

    Sorry I didn’t get back to you right away. I wanted to check out the program first and confirm that they really are a good program.

    I heard that they are amazing! I called someone I know who works in chinuch in Lakewood, and she told me that she has heard great things about them. She said she just happened to speak to a known therapist in Lakewood yesterday who told her they are fantastic.

    I really think you should call. This sounds like it could be a life saver for you! You sound like such an amazing person with tons of potential and it is so chaval you are going through this. On the other hand, you are very lucky that resources like this exist nowadays!

    I really hope it works out! Please keep us updated.

    Hatzlacha Rabba!!!!

    #1216049
    iacisrmma
    Participant

    JA: In the “ankle high shoe” topic you wrote: “Personally, i’m the type of kid who likes to break rules and i consider it my duty to do so and make sure that everyone knows it! “

    Is it possible that part of your social issues have to do with this very point?

    #1216050
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    The only reason i do that is because of my social issues!

    (M/b ppl will lk me if i’m cool!)

    #1216051
    iacisrmma
    Participant

    And is it possible that in the confines of a “Lakewood” girls high school they don’t want to be friends with someone who is “cool” (or in their minds a “rebel”)?

    #1216052
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    JMO here yeshivas and girls schools expect everyone to be a conformist and not everyone can be a conformist. if you are a non-conformist it can be hard to fit in and non-conformism is looked upon as a negative trait.

    Schools do need to look at this philosophy and realize its ok to be a little non-conformist (A LOT of non-conformism is not good), but a little is fine

    #1216054
    iacisrmma
    Participant

    ZD: I agree with you that most if not all “right wing” yeshivos try to push all students into the proverbial “cookie cutter mold” even if they don’t fit. Unfortunately not everyone has the seichel that R Shlomo Freifeld TZATZAL had to reach his talmidim on their level. Being slightly non-conformist may be tolerable and if that’s the case other students may be understanding.

    However, when one is totally acting in a rebellious manner (basing my comment on what JA has stated previously) the other students tend to shy away from one who they think is a “troublemaker”.

    #1216055
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    There is difference between “rebelling” by wearing differnet shoes and rebelling by smoking Marijuana

    #1216056
    B1g B0y
    Participant

    GROW UP!!

    #1216057
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    you guys are ttly tkng this the wrong way: i do not appear like that on the outside as much as i feel it on the inside!

    inside i’m rebellious as they come but on the outside, i usually look lk the typical “Bais Yaakov Maidel” and in skwl i’m forced to act lk that even though it’s so not me and that’s another reason why i hate skwl so much cuz i’m forced to b s.o. else that’s rlly not me. i think thats also a reason y i have social issues cuz i can’t b my real self and ppl don’t lk 2 b frends with s.o. hu’s pretending all the time. Maybe that’s y i keep getting dropped cuz s.o. thinx i’m cute, we bcum “Friends” and then she c’s hu i rlly am and gets scared off.

    These r all possibilites and n.t. is 4sure but i don’t know if these are problems that cud b solved unless i switch to a skwl that suits me better where i cud b the real me!

    #1216058
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    B1g B0y: you wudn’t understand a.w. cuz ure a boy!

    #1216059
    iacisrmma
    Participant

    zd: it is not the shoes….it is the statement JA wrote in that thread: “Personally, i’m the type of kid who likes to break rules and i consider it my duty to do so and make sure that everyone knows it!”

    You wouldn’t possibly consider someone with this attitude might be termed “rebellious”?

    b1g B0y: it may help if we knew who you were directing your comment to.

    #1216060
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    ZD – from the things that JA has written, it is clear that the shoes and the rules are not the issue. JA is going through a hard time and that is causing her to want to break rules. It is not about the rules themselves – it is about whatever it is that is causing her to want to break rules.

    #1216061
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    JA – have you called Regesh yet? Please try to call tonight. I really think they might be able to help you.

    #1216062
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    BTW- LU, I did call regesh,

    the hotline didn’t rlly help, all they cud do was sympathize, and the mentoring program is only 4 boyz!

    #1216063
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    I rlly need 2 have s.o. that i cud talk 2 not only once but cud get 2 no me and my personality and will b able 2 spk 2 my parents if need b and i cud talk 2 them wenever i need!

    (Prefferably a single, older girl!)

    #1216064
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I’m so sorry, JA, I had no idea. I’m surprised they couldn’t help you. Sorry for misleading you. I’ll get to work on trying to find something, b”n.

    #1216065
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    I am very aware its not the shoes, its the whole package, but I stand by my statement that when you stiffle all freedom, one day it very well might explode. The shoes seem to be the rock the broke the camels back

    What needs to be done is fine a way to express some freedom without giving too much, let some air out of the balloon.

    #1216066
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Partners 4 Torah- Could someone there do a weekly shiur giving chizuk in difficult times maybe?

    #1216067
    iacisrmma
    Participant

    JA: You think I misunderstood you? Only after I challenged you with your own words did you backtrack and say “inside i’m rebellious as they come but on the outside, i usually look lk the typical “Bais Yaakov Maidel”.

    Maybe others will believe you. At this point I don’t. Sorry for being so harsh but I don’t like being manipulated.

    #1216068
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    ZD – I understand what you are saying and it can be true in some cases, but even if it is, that’s something to tell the principal if she asks for advice. I don’t think it’s helpful to tell the girl that you think the school shouldn’t be making these rules. It will just encourage her to think badly of her school which will not help her to be able to deal with her school. Right now she is in the school and she has to make peace with it (at least until and if she is able to switch).

    I also don’t think that it’s relevant here, since she said that most of the girls are fine with the rules.

    It’s possible that this is the wrong school for JA, but that is not the school’s fault. And I’m not totally convinced that that is the issue either.

    I do think it’s possible that switching schools would help, but I also think it’s possible that it would make things worse.

    I definitely think that mentoring is needed here, and we need to find a way to get mentoring.

    I am still trying to see if I can find out anything about that.

    #1216069
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    iacisrmma: What i mean to say is that when u c me walking down the streets in lkwd, i do look lk a “Bais Yaakov Maidel” but in skwl i’m considered a rebel cuz e.o. there knows the rules and i don’t follow them and inside i am a rebel cuz i don’t even wanna post certain things on here that i do cuz ppl will stop responding 2 me!

    Don’t belive me, it doesn’t bother me! just another person 2 add 2 the pile of non-believers! But i do wanna thank all those hu do believe me!

    LU: thanx 4 ure help i rlly appreciate it!

    #1216070
    Little Froggie
    Participant

    Do what I did.

    I dropped out!!

    Kid you not. I dropped out at the beginning of ninth grade. And I suppose I’m still B”H somewhat getting along. (No – don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do the streets. Instead I joined the Bais Medrash full day)

    #1216071
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    on a funny note – I just asked my very-Yeshivish friend in Lakewood if she knows what ankle high shoes are. She told me that her 9 year old wears them. I laughed and said, “well, I guess she’s rebellious then.” She was like, “chas v’shalom!”

    So you might be right, ZD, in theory, about the rule being extreme. But l’maaseh, I still stand by what I said previously.

    #1216072
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Iacisrmma – you’re not being fair. You are being unnecessarily harsh and no, JA is not manipulating anyone. She has been extremely open about what she does or does not do throughout her posts on the CR. There is no stira between her posts. If you think so, it may be because you don’t understand teenage girls. You don’t have to understand teenage girls, but please show some sensitivity. Thank you. (I apologize if this post is too harsh).

    #1216073
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    JA – I’m still trying to find out about mentoring for you. I called my friend again and she said that she knows a girl (or knows of a girl) who got mentoring through Regesh. I tried to call Regesh myself tonight to find out if they do mentoring for girls, but I just got a machine and I can’t really leave a message since I’m in EY. I will try to call again tomorrow earlier in the day so hopefully I will get a person whom I can ask.

    She also gave me another contact to call who might know something.

    I just wanted to let you know that I am working on it, and will b”n try to keep you updated.

    One interesting piece of info I found out tonight was that apparently BY has every 10th grader speak to a social worker. I don’t know what school you are in, and I know you are in 11th grade, not 10th, but does your school do that for any of the grades? Does your school have a social worker? Have you tried speaking to her? Maybe she knows where you can find a mentor.

    #1216074
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    For now you can also call “The Jewish Number” and ask for a local reference.

    #1216075
    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    No actually my school doesn’t have a social worker that i know of!

    Little Froggie: it’s a gr8 idea that i’m actually considering the only thing is that i’m not a boy so i can’t learn the whole day but i wud consider getting a job in an office (If they’re willing to tk a dropout 4 an employee!)

    #1216076
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    JA- bad idea. Just stick it out till seminary and then you can come to EY and learn all day in your seminary of choice.

    #1216077
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “No actually my school doesn’t have a social worker that i know of!”

    Chaval, I thought that most schools have nowadays. Have you tried asking your principal if she knows how you can get a mentor or if the school does have a social worker that you don’t know about or if she can refer you to a social worker who doesn’t davka work in your school?

    #1216078
    iacisrmma
    Participant

    LU: Really? Ask my daughters if I understand teenage girls!

    This started in a different topic where JA asked about the type of shoe and if her principal’s rule about not wearing it in school should be adhered to. The same posters went back and forth with some advising that not listening to the principal is not an aveirah. JA noted there her “break the rules approach”. (Side note: JA did not post anything there in “text” speak.) I brought that up that comment in this topic and she backtracks (at first) by stating :”inside i’m rebellious as they come but on the outside, i usually look lk the typical “Bais Yaakov Maidel””.

    I make my harsh statement and she backtracks again: “What i mean to say is that when u c me walking down the streets in lkwd, i do look lk a “Bais Yaakov Maidel” but in skwl i’m considered a rebel cuz e.o. there knows the rules and i don’t follow them”.

    She then starts another topic why are girls are sent to the same school as their sisters and boys do are not sent to the same school as their bothers.

    IMHO, she needs to sit with her parents and discuss this, not rely on us “yentas” (including me) here in the CR.

    #1216079
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    As someone who happens to have teenagers living in their home, I am not so naive when it comes to them.

    You have to know when to be strict and when to be lenient. Being too strict is just as bad as being too lenient.

    Rebelliousness is a part of being a teenager, its part of growing up there is nothing wrong with it, Stiffiling it doesnt work. Good parents and good teachers will realize this and channel that rebelliousness to positive outcomes.

    In public schools they will try to channel those things into band , art , acting , sports and other extra curricular activies. Unfortunatly there are few outlets in the frum communities to do the same (and this is also in the more modern communities as well. Its something sorely lacking on all sides)

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