How to tell the Shadchan that the girl's too heavy

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  • #608952

    ShalomToYou
    Member

    Without riling anyone up again (Hello SEF) does anyone have any advice for me?

    Shadchan redd an out of town girl, I hear she’s heavy. How do I politely tell the Shadchan that it’s not for me?

    Shadchan thinks I’m a great guy and if I tell her the real reason she’ll think I’m shallow, superficial etc. Especially since the girl is a relative of hers.

    #946213

    It is shallow. Don’t tell her that. Just as you wouldn’t tell the shadchan you think the girls nose is too long for your liking.

    #946214

    more_2
    Member

    Find another reason why your not interested. And give tht reason. Or just be straight and say you hear she’s slightly heavy. Honesty is always best.

    #946215

    ShalomToYou
    Member

    Please no sermonizing about how weight is unimportant etc. Just assume we’re talking about 400 pounds. How do I break it to the Shadchan?

    #946216

    loca
    Member

    Isnt that LH?

    Why do you have to give a reason?

    #946217

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    You just say you don’t to go out anymore. She’ll know why.

    #946218

    Go out once, maybe you will actually look beyond her weight and see her personality.

    And another point, this shadchun is clearly not doing her job if she thinks you are a great guy, but in reality you are superficial…

    #946219

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    PBA and SF, he doesn’t want to make her waste her time to come in from OOT; he’s never met her.

    #946220

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Just assume we’re talking about 400 pounds.

    Or should we assume that she’s a size 8, like you said in the other thread? Or should we assume that you assume that a size 8 is about 400 pounds?

    #946221

    velvelwolf
    Participant

    Assuming that you at least saw a pic and you were UNattracted to her, I’d say “I’m attracted to her”. If somebody thinks that attraction is not important in marriage, perhaps, they should rethink being a shadchan.

    #946222

    rebdoniel
    Member

    Just tell the shadchan it isn’t shayach because there’s no physical attraction.

    #946223

    daniela
    Member

    What about “I don’t think we are meant for each other”?

    #946224

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    Just say, she’s too fat. Then she’ll be motivated to lose weight and she’ll go on a diet and become skinny and marry someone else. Have a nice day and please stop posting boring threads about all the fat girls that get suggested to you.

    #946225

    SaysMe
    Member

    i’m starting to wonder how heavy YOU are…

    “Shadchan thinks I’m a great guy and if I tell her the real reason she’ll think I’m shallow, superficial etc.” well, then it’s time to let her see the truth? on a serious note, you don’t need to tell the shadchan why you’re saying no though. unless you think she’ll keep redding 400lb girls to you if you don’t speak up.

    #946226

    WIY
    Member

    Say you are worried about her ruchniyus level and dont think she is for you because she seems very into tayvos achilah and isnt so concerned about venishmartem meod lnafshoseichem. There now she is the shallow one and you sound all holy and spiritual.

    #946227

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    LOL WIY someone, somewhere, is going to take your advice…

    #946228

    WIY
    Member

    Torah

    😉 I would love to watch a shadchans face when listening to a boy sell this

    #946229

    Reb Pringle
    Member

    But, you are shallow and superficial.

    I’m guessing that since you’re being redt to out of town girls, the in town girls either don’t exist or aren’t lining up at your door.

    Here’s the deal – in life, in relationships, in marriage, you’re going to approach a lot of situations where you’re going to need to find a way to say something difficult, but diplomatically – and it will be a more difficult situation than telling a shadchan, “No thanks.”

    So, my tough love advice to you is, figure out how to do what you need to do politely, with sensitivity, and while preserving the reputation you want to keep.

    If you do that, you’ll exhibit depth and thoughtfulness.

    Hatzlocho.

    #946230

    I think the word you’re looking for is chemistry.

    #946231

    superstar
    Member

    If the shadchan really is related to the girl then you need to be really careful what you say to her about her. Blame it on yourself or something. If you don’t, she will start sending you 500 lb girls! Good luck!

    #946232

    as was pointed out, there is a big difference between 400 lbs and a size 8. hatzlacha with your search and all that stuff. should be w/ mazal b’sha’a tova u’metzlachas. 🙂

    #946233

    ben_yehuda
    Participant

    Tell her that it isn’t working out. If she asks you why, tell the truth.

    There’s no need to lie. Remember, if you don’t tell her now she might send you more girls in the future with similar features.

    #946234

    ShalomToYou
    Member

    Smile- I’m glad you’re not punching me anymore. Why can’t I find a record of you as a member?

    #946235

    Tzvi Hirsh
    Member

    Just say I don’t feel comfortable in going out!

    Its not always necessary to give a reason.

    #946236

    squeak
    Participant

    When she burns your dinner you will have to come up with a reason not to eat it that doesnt involve saying how bad the food is. Life is all about finding diplomatic ways to get what you want. This should be easy.

    #946238

    lesschumras
    Participant

    Why is it shallow to not be attracted to heavy women?

    #946240

    sw33t
    Member

    “Just say, she’s too fat. Then she’ll be motivated to lose weight and she’ll go on a diet and become skinny and marry someone else. Have a nice day and please stop posting boring threads about all the fat girls that get suggested to you. “

    This is amazing. +10000000

    #946241

    walton157
    Member

    @shalomtoyou: Not only are you superficial, but just the fact that you don’t like heavy girls shows that you are immature and not ready for a seriouis relationship.

    You are also a baal-gavah. Maybe this young woman is coming to your town to be set-up with other men. Don’t think that because you don’t want her another man/men might not be interested in her.

    I would assume that your phone is ringing off the hook for shidduchim, but please note, the phone calls stop coming as you get older and pickier. People get tired of the lame, immature exuses and will go on to “greener” pastures.

    #946242

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Why can’t I find a record of you as a member?

    Remove the dot, and replace the spaces (or %20)with -.

    #946243

    It’s not a terrible reason for rejection- physical carelessness in maintaining good health IS unattractive. It could also lead to serious health problems down the road….

    #946244

    yaakov doe
    Participant

    Until you see for youself what’s “heavy”, how can you say no? There a huge difference between a few pounds over and obese.

    #946245

    yitayningwut
    Participant

    Yeah, you’re shallow, superficial, a ba’al gayvah, a ba’al tayvah, and it’s obvious why you’re not dating in-town girls. You probably kill people and worship avodah zarah too.

    Seriously, what is with you judgmental wackos?

    #946246

    mirkop6
    Participant

    I find your post very upsetting. You hear she is heavy? Go see for yourself! What another person considers heavy may not be heavy in your eyes! You are too immature to be dating! Now we know why there is a shidduch crisis! Can’t believe that you wouldn’t even give her a chance! You may be pleasantly surprised. How can you say no before you have even seen and gone out with her? Good luck to you!

    #946247

    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    You can politely tell the shadchan that you are looking for a slim healthy girl. Period. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong in letting the shadchan know that you are not attracted to girls on the heavier side. So just as long as you describe and emphasis YOUR preference in a prospective match, without actually directly saying anything negative about this girl in particular.

    Lots of success and hatzlachah in finding your bashert soon!

    mirkop6 – There is absolutely nothing wrong or immature about someone doing their homework and finding information about a shidduch. No, he DOESN’T have to ‘just go on a date to see for yourself’. Dates cost time, effort and money. It’s just as important to find out about a shidduch before as the actual date itself.

    #946248

    WIY
    Member

    Yitayning

    Thanks for that comment! I literally loled.

    #946249

    yitayningwut
    Participant

    🙂

    #946250

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    ShalomToYou: Ask the shaddchan for a picture of the girl. If she looks nice, give it a try. You might be passing up your beshairt! Hatzlocha!

    #946251

    loca
    Member

    lol Yitay. U took the words right outa my moth.

    #946252

    Well, just ask the Shadchan beforehand if she’s a little overweight or anything because that’s your preference, (without actually mentioning that you heard such things and cancelling based on that).

    #946253

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    lol @ WIY

    yitayningwut: Did you read ShalomToYou’s (now deleted) comment on the older shidduchim/weight thread?

    #946254

    yitayningwut
    Participant

    OneOfMany – No. I suppose if I had, I may have had a different reaction.

    #946255

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Well, he did show himself to be of shallow judgement there. I wouldn’t call everyone who rejects a person based on weight stupid blah blah etc., but this one is.

    don’t know about the avodah zarah, though

    #946256

    oomis
    Participant

    Disclaimer – I direct this to no one individual guy.

    You don’t. That is rude and mean-spirited. Your opinion may not reflect reality. Some girls ARE heavier (so are some guys), but compared to what, exactly? Our society has been conditioned to think that size 2 is normal for a girl’s body type. In my grandmother’s day, a woman was considered to be most attractive at what we would probably assess as a size 12-14. Stop being so focused on such externals and GO OUT WITH THE GIRL if all else is promising. You might be pleasantly surprised to see that you are attracted to her. And if not, there is no need to specify why. It should be enough to say, I am not interested, though she is a very nice person. If she is truly overweight, SHE KNOWS IT. She doesn’t need some guy to remind her.

    And btw, weight comes and goes, and many girls who are stick thin when they are dating HAVE been known to gain a lot of weight after they get married and have some children. Should they be divorced for that? What are we teaching our kids to think is important in life?

    #946257

    Health
    Participant

    Imaofthree -“ShalomToYou: Ask the shaddchan for a picture of the girl. If she looks nice, give it a try.”

    Yes, I agree. And if she looks fat -tell the Shadchan she looks too fat for me.

    S/o just told me a story about 50 y.o. woman – never married – who won’t go out with any fat guy. And I said I don’t hardly know any middle age guy who doesn’t have a belly.

    Now all the posters who cursed out the OP – what do you say about this girl? I have a feeling now that the shoe is on the other foot -you will be singing a different tune.

    #946258

    ShalomToYou
    Member

    Alright everyone thanks for your input. BTW it seems that the opinions split along gender lines. Another difference between men and women. Fine. Consider this thread closed

    #946259

    mobico
    Participant

    Like this: “See, I’m a Gavra, and this girl is a bit too much of a Cheftza for me.”

    #946260

    mmbag
    Member

    @shalomtoyou – In this case, you actually have the ability to offer another reason without having met her yet, as someone suggested. Her being related to the shadchanit puts you in a catch-22, and isn’t fair to anyone.

    Why?

    Suppose you dated her and she was stunning. But spoke lashon hara like it was going out of style. Could you tell THAT to the shadchan?

    Basically the shadchan made a mistake with this suggestion, and you have your get outa jail free card as a result. You can say that it’s not fair to the girl – you might feel pressured to date her longer than you would otherwise (true from your above points), wasting her time – and it’s also not fair to yourself (wasting your time + you can’t explain why it didn’t work out).

    “I’m not sure how to say this, but I feel awkward dating someone you’re related to. What happens if it doesn’t work out? We’re all human and nobody’s perfect … How can I tell you, what went wrong? Even if I find the most tactful way of saying ‘no thankyou’, in your heart of hearts it might still be upsetting and you would have a hard time wanting to set me up again…”

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