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I normally wouldn’t start a thread about more personal stuff, but this was bothering me. I recently went out with a girl, and she is terrific. We really connect. There’s just one thing that’s bothering me: I feel like I don’t deserve her. She’s almost too good. She has a great family, mine is messed up. She has plenty of money, I don’t. Her family is well respected in her community, mine isn’t. I know these things are not important anyway, but it’s bothering me so much that it’s actually getting in the way of my positive feelings for her. I’m going to continue dating her, and I’ll try to ignore it, but if there’s anything you guys can suggest to make this less bothersome, I’d appreciate it.
why would she want to date you then? there must be a reason why she wants to go out with you- you must be worth something!!!!!
Mods:
Can you change the title of the thread to “My parents don’t deserve her parents”? I noticed that although MiddlePath called it “I don’t deserve her”, he only listed facts that were not related to his person and that he has no control over. Rather than explaining that he has terrible middos and does all sorts of aveiros which would be an actual reason why he might not deserve a girl with good middos.
i dont know you but usually when people say that theyre selling themselves short. from what you said in your posts your reasons for feeling inadequate are because of your family and financial status. both are superficial and absolutely irrelevant.
besides…if your goal is to make her happy and you make her happy than yeah…there you go 🙂
The important thing for you to remember is DON’T sell yourself short. You are an intelligent person and this young lady must obviously see something in you. Good luck with your relationship and we all hope to hear some good news.
Middlepath;
I was just telling somebody about this gorgeous, personable, clever girl, who was very popular.
Somehow, when it came to shidduchim, she didnt succeed. One boy after the next dumped her .
She ended up marrying a DREAMY DOCTOR , who knows how to learn, is Baal chesed with a lovely family behind him. They are really happy and he is a great husband.
So you see, althoughI’m sure you are a great gujy with lots of
qualities, there are NO RULES!!!
Good luck and I hope this turns Mazeldik!
You sound like me 5 years ago. IMHO you need a serious dose of self esteem. It is only recently that i discovered my chashivus. It took a lot of self help (Garden of Emunah and others) and professional help.
The thing is I was always a good guy. Everyone around me has always been machshuv me. But I never lived up to my own high standards for myself and my entire life has suffered because of it.
When you discover who you are and you develop true emunah, the rest falls into place.
Good luck!
Hey Poster,
Why are you doing the thinking for her? Whether she likes you or not is her decision, NOT YOURS! Enjoy the ride!
(By the way, from your whole post you sound like the type of guy who is afraid to make a commitment, i.e. bad news)
Middlepath,
everyone has some sort of problem no one is perfect (if they were then they couldn’t grow hence no point in life) how do you know how her family behaves behind closed doors?
the only thing that matters is if you connect (btw does she think you two connect?)
The way I see it, you have 2 choices:
You can back down, and let her marry someone she deserves (bad choice)
You can step up to the plate and turn yourself into someone worthy of her stature (good choice!)
Not everything in this world is money and yichus. If you are prepared to treat her with respect, and provide for her well being, what more could a woman ask for?
would you ask her what makes her want to date you if you have so much going against you while she has so much? would that be possible. you obv have something that she doesn’t have
“I’m a little concerned she may not be able to deal with more serious problems.”
Welcome to the world of adult relationships. Think you might encounter a rough spot? Trust me, you will.
Is it easy to work out? Not always, but if you are patient, sensetive and a little secheldik, you can do it. Together.
Let me know when the engagement is official 🙂
so what you really have to make sure is that she is someone who can deal with challenges and wont break. is she an easy to deal with kinda person? meaning will she able to “play both sides” and get along with all the ppl in your family? is so I think you should look at her as a person and see if you would like to marry her as opposed to seeing if her money, looks, family etc…. match with yours
Now you are selling her short. Because she has had nothing (that you know of) in the past to deal with, you imagine she will not be able to cope with possible future difficulties?
The very stability of her youth may have given her just the qualities for which you are looking. Because of her relatively smooth past, she may be grounded and stable enough to be able to deal with the problems that come up in any marriage. Sometimes people who have had a great deal to cope with in their youth handle it fine but when they are settled find that the daily ongoing difficulties of marriage and (G-d willing) children are the straw that breaks the back. There’s just too much baggage in their closet for anything new.
If you like her and she likes you, and she is aware of your family situation but still willing to go on, have faith that Hashem thinks you deserve each other. Don’t go second guessing G-d, unless you can come up with a better argument than this.
Hatzlacha rabbah and may we hear besuros tovos bekarov.
The idea that my spouse is better than I am and I don’t deserve him/her can, in fact, be a good attitude in a marriage. After all, if he/she is so much better than I am and I don’t deserve him/her, then that can be a great motivation towards tikkun hamiddos and other self-improvement so that you CAN grow into someone who deserves him/her. On the other side, if you feel that YOU are better, and that you spouse needs to improve, that is a recipe for problems in the marriage.
Don’t get me wrong; self-esteem is very important, and one shouldn’t take the thought above to the extreme. However, please don’t say that feeling such as yours are bad. Channeled in the right way, they can be the pathway to a great marriage.
U will deserve her, because u will grow together.
I just made a shidduch like that!
middlepath, you ask some very interesting questions:
!. why do I deserve such a great girl?
2. will she be able to deal with difficult issues
Firstly understand that everyone is deserving. If Hashem sent you this amazing gift then who are you to question his wisdom? Why shouldn’t you be as deserving as anyone else? Maybe you are exactly what SHE needs to complete her? Someone honest, down to earth who has seen the best of times and the worst, who knows how to appreciate what Hashem gives and also knows that Hashem can just as easily take it away. Someone who can teach her that life is not always a bed of roses and yet you can meet life’s challenges and still turn out to be an example of what Hashem wants and expects of us.
Your second question is more complicated and not so easy to answer. Unless you yourself have serious conversations with her, there is no way of knowing what personal challenges she herself has experienced in the past. Even though everything looks very rosy that is not always the case. In addition, even though she in her young age might not have weathered many difficult challenges she might have aided or supported those who did by means of cheesed and especially if she had friends who went through hard times. Just because she looks or seems perfect that does not mean that she is a china doll that will crack and break if shaken up a little too hard.
Through getting to know her and hearing her speak about her own experiences you will learn to understand who she is what she is all about. What she is capable of what she still plans to accomplish.
I hope this helps somewhat. Hatzlocha.
And you like quick cars!
Think you might encounter a rough spot?
Rough spots? I get smooth spots.
We learn the kinyan of kiddushin from when Avraham bought the fields from Ephron – VaYikach.
Each side thought that they were getting the better end of the deal. The greedy, non-spiritual dude got a lot of money for “some cave”. And Avraham got a great eternal spiritual place for a little of money.
Why am i hearing that marriage is only hardships and bla bla bla….
come on be optimistic marriage is not just rough spots and gloomy
Marriage is wonderful!!
please no more stusim and pessimism!
bpt said this a couple of times (and I quoted him a thousand more times…) that a good marriage is bliss and there is nothing as good but a bad marriage is living hell. This has helped me a lot- I always think about how if I give it my all and try my best to make it a good marriage then its going to be blissful and wonderful (yes hardships will come my way but I will be able to deal with them)
but I dont see where anyone is saying that marriage is bad
Everyone is waiting for the first ever CR Vort. Get a big place because we are all coming. Because I am Conservative, I have been to many, many engagement parties, but I have never been to a vort – and I really would love to. (I also give nice gifts)
Had this been a shidduch proposed to her parents, researched ad nauseum, and they said yes, it would be a big kashya. Usually when there is a disparity such as you describe, a big red flag would go up: “DID THEY AGREE TO ACCEPT ME WITH ALL MY DISADVANTAGES BECAUSET THEY HAVE A SKELETON OR THREE?”, in which case you might want to honestly ask the young lady what skeletons there might be, so you could make an intelligent decision whether to take them on. (I am saying this for those who might find themselves in such a situation).
OTOH, since it is a ‘boy’s market’, a disadvantage or disparity (or two) might be insignificant. But three?
However, in your case, none of this applies. Since there was no research, the girl liked you before hearing of your trials and tribulations, no such caveat. You just need to be sure that the parents appreciate & accept you with all your baggage, since the lack thereof can be a very big challenge in married life.
NOBODY is perfect no matter how much it seems like it! She has something in her family the same way you do!
I can tell you that the most Chashuv people I know have made shidduchim with kids from broken families (rosh kollel, learning/chashuv families). I’ve come to understand that they take each person on an individual basis. After having lived life a bit myself, I’ve also come to see that being a good marriage candidate has to do with a persons level of maturity. Life can help a person mature, but so can growing up in a home where good middos are taught.It’s two different ways of maturing. If a guy has all the “bells and whistles” ( money, good looks), but lacks personality or middos, than her admiration of him will diminish very quickly.
I have been lurking here for a bit and I want to add in my two cents.
To be personal, I feel like I am somewhat similar to the girl who MiddlePath is dating. Great family, who are financially secure (B”AH), known well in the community and I come across as if everything in life has been just dandy. Especially on dates.
However, I have a confession to make. Life wasnt smooth sailing…and still isn’t perfect. On the outside everything appears to be great, however on the inside, I have been struggling in quite a few different areas. Only if one knew me well, and I felt comfortable enough with someone, would you be able to tell. Boruch Hashem-and I am very grateful- I have worked on myself and I have come out much stronger, but not without much fighting. I am still overcoming obstacles. I also have dated a boy similar to MiddlePath, who I very much respected and saw things in HIM-not his family or background- that I admired. Really, in the Middos and sincerity department. And because of what he has been through, he is very strong.
MiddlePath-Even from just reading your posts, without having met you, I admire you and the strength you display from rising above life challenges. Your integrity and genuine personality is evident from you how you write. In my opinion, this girl will be very lucky if she ends up marrying you.
Give to charity. You’ll start to feel better.
Everyone is waiting for the first ever CR Vort. Get a big place because we are all coming. Because I am Conservative, I have been to many, many engagement parties, but I have never been to a vort – and I really would love to. (I also give nice gifts)
Soon as I find the guy, you’re invited. (If I have a vort that is, if not then you’re invited to the l’chaim IY”H.) 🙂
MiddlePath:
Those things are all bonuses. You seam to be forgetting your worth – what really counts is inside you – not the materialistic superficial things. Just feel good about who you are – not who you’re not.
Middlepath: If you don’t deserve her, maybe I do. Feel free to send me her name and info.
anon1m0us, and that’s the kind of attitude that gets you somewhere! Kol hakovod.
hope to hear simchos soon. do you want me to bring up that thread for you?
The mazal tov thread. Why not bring it up? Who knows there may just be floods of simchot b’ezrat Hashem 🙂 (no hints hehe)
😀 Zuberman! 😀
yossi- LOL you make me laugh!
middle- the mazel tov thread
Middlepath: Glad I can help:)
“Soon as I find the guy, you’re invited. (If I have a vort that is, if not then you’re invited to the l’chaim IY”H.) :)”
Kapusta, I shall be there with bells and whistles on – also with very modest clothing on and something nice for the couple. B’H’ that should be in the very near future – if that is what you want.
MiddlePath:
“I recently went out with a girl, and she is terrific. We really connect. There’s just one thing that’s bothering me: I feel like I don’t deserve her. She’s almost too good.”
I think a lot of people would kill to have that problem… but seriously, if that’s your biggest issue you should definitely keep going.
“Well she’s only dating me because we met randomly somewhere like a week ago”
I believe the technical term for it is “hashguchah pratis”.
mw13: very well put!
😀 Zuberman! 😀
MiddlePath, so much drama! I think you’re on the brink of a romance novel! If it works out I look forward to wishing u a mazal tov!!!
Thanks, yossi z.
MiddlePath: Hatzlocha rabbah!
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