I don't know if I can handle this . . .

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  • #611270
    takahmamash
    Participant

    I am in shloshim . . . for the second time in 10 months. One of my parents passed away in Tevet of last year, and my other parent passed away a few weeks ago. I was saying kaddish for both of them at the same time for a few weeks.

    I was really looking forward to ending my chiyuv to daven every day; I was getting tired of the sound of my own voice. (I’m sure others were as well.) Of course, I was also looking very much forward to listening to music again.

    Anyone happen to have any tips to get through yet another 11 months of aveilut, especially since there’s I’ll have no break at all?

    #986960
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    I am sorry about your matzav, and sorry for the burden it brings you. Maybe you can think of it as a diet, painful for now but the schar is overwhelmingly worth while.

    #986961
    WIY
    Member

    takahmamash

    Whats more important is that you say Kaddish actually. Focus on the fact that you are doing something special for your parents every time you say kaddish. Its a small token of appreciation for all they have given you in your life. Make sure that when you say kaddish you have kavannah and focus on the meaning because for some people it would be a bigger thing for their parents if they didnt say kaddish…I wish you only simcha from this time forward and pray that Hashem give you the strength to overcome such a challenge.

    #986962

    My father died on 29 Av 5762. My grandmother died on 30 Av 5763. My mother also had two consecutive years of aveilus without a break. It was difficult for me because my friends were having Bar and Bat Mitzvahs right and left during my year of aveilus and I couldn’t go to them. When my year ended, I was so excited to be able to go to movies again, but I was too young to drive and my mom, being in aveilus, couldn’t go with me to the movies. These issues, of course, are probably quite insignificant compared to what you’re experiencing, but you were also blessed to reach adulthood before your parents passed away. May Hashem give you the strength to make it through this year, physically and emotionally, and may you only know simcha in future years.

    #986963
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    WIY – that was well put!

    #986964
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    One piece of good advice is to speak to a Rav about exceptions. In my Kehila, Aveilim partake in Simchas Purim.

    #986965
    Nechomah
    Participant

    It’s so different for men than for women with aveilus. Having to worry about having a minyan to be able to say kaddish is not easy. My husband had but a 6-week break between his two years of aveilus. He had to daaven the amud for those two years. It was a hard time for him making sure there was a minyan without a prior chiyuv so that he could daaven the amud each time, 3 times a day, every day except for Shabbos and YT. He really needed a break at the end.

    All I can say is that I’m sorry for your losses. Hamakom yinachem eschem besoch sha’arei tzion ve’Yerushalayim ve’lo sosifu le’daava od. You should have koach to help your parents to have an aliya to very high places in olam ha’emes. While it’s hard for you, they are fortunate to have a son to say kaddish for them. My parents only had 3 daughters. My husband says that grandsons should say kaddish (daaven the amud) and not sons-in-law. He said kaddish for my parents when my son was not yet Bar Mitzvah. Now my son says it for them.

    As far as Purim goes, I thought you could have the meal at home and try to limit it to a few guests, depends on what you’re accustomed to. I’m sure you asked your Rav last year.

    One last idea would be to plan a small vacation for yourself (with or without family) when this year is finished. Just give yourself a little time to wind down after all of this. It’s not to celebrate, but to give you some space and time for relaxation a bit without the pressures that go along with being in aveilus.

    #986966
    live rite
    Member

    Nechomah, a child who B”H has both parents should not be saying Kadish for anyone, even for grandparents who have no sons. Someone with two parents should not be saying Kadish Yosom.

    #986967
    rebdoniel
    Member

    HaShem doesn’t give you nisyonot or challenges you can’t handle.

    #986968
    miritchka
    Member

    takahmamash: I’m so sorry for your loss! hamakom yenacheim eschem b’soch sh’ar avlei tzion vYerushalayim. May you only have good ttidings to share with us. I cannot understand what you are going through, but as hard as it may be for you, try to remember that your parents have done so much for you to get to this point in your life for so much longer than 2 years. And although they were able to see nachas and you wont see/get any physical ‘rewards’ from your duties, you will reap them. The s’char is that much more.

    WIY: +1

    Haleivi: why would you look for a way out of honoring your parents neshama to the fullest after all they’ve given you? I’m sure its difficult, but it’s huge.

    #986969
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    OP: Hamakom yenachem eschem bsoch shaar avlei tzion v’yerushalayim.

    #986970
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Takahmamash,

    I’m so sorry to hear about this. I have no advice for you, but I offer you my sincerest condolences.

    HaMakom Y’nachem Eschem B’Soch Sh’ar Aveili Tziyon V’Y’rushalayim. May you and your family only know of simcha.

    The Wolf

    #986971
    Sam2
    Participant

    Live right: There are different Minhagim that have developed (and are still developing) as the Minhagim for Kaddish continue to develop. A very prevalent opinion is, so long as they have their parents’ permission, someone with 2 living parents may say Kaddish Yosom.

    #986972
    takahmamash
    Participant

    Thanks to all of you for the kind words. I appreciate them.

    I hope I did not give the impression that I was looking for a way out. To the contrary, I thank God every day that I have the ability to daven for the amud (almost) every day – I know many people that can’t, or won’t. We are lucky in that there are not many people in the shule saying kaddish, and we don’t all attend the same minyanim during the week.

    Incidentally, I’ll pass along something I heard from my parent’s shule rabbi after we finished sitting shiva. He quoted The Rav in saying that one should not wish another “only simchas,” since that is not the natural way of life. Instead, we should say that we hope that we are zoche that HKB”H will give us the strength to get through the rough times.

    #986973

    It helped me to keep in mind that every mitzva I did, & every brocha I made with a little more Kavana was a kiyum of Kibud Av. Also, any time I did something that I learned from my parent, I expressed gratitude for that part of my upbringing.

    When you say Kaddish, in the last 2 stanzas, when you say “v’al kol Yisroel”, you should be m’chavein to the names of the nifter(s). It helps them (& you, too).

    Ha-Makom y’nachem eschem b’soch sha’arei tzion v’Yerushalayim.

    #986974
    oomis
    Participant

    First of all, please accept my deepest condolences for both your losses. I have been through what you went through, and though I am a female and didn’t have the chiyuv of davening with a minyan and saying Kaddish every day, it was a terrible nisayon. My father O”H was niftar 20 years ago this past month. I had yahrtzeit for him just before the new chodesh. We had barely recovered from the klop of his loss, which was very, very sudden, when my mother O”H followed him five months later, having had a stroke on her birthday, four months after his death. He died within a day and a half. She lingered for a month, and died after Pesach on Shabbos mevorchim. I am not sure which petirah hit us the hardest.

    There are no words of consolation to really offer when something like this occurs. It is a feeling of aveilus in constant repetition, because you don’t have the closure that the first year brings and must go through it again. I am so sorry for this being the case, as I vividly recall the weight of our sorrow.

    It took me a solid three years before I could even think of either of my parents without bursting into tears, and I am still emotional when I speak of either of them (even now, as I am typing this). But life goes on, as it is supposed to do, and you will get through this nisayon, daunting as it may feel right now.

    I wish you MANY simchos in the future. Your Rav is right – we do not get a pass in life and never have some kind of tzorah. But the truth is, the sadness helps us to recognize and appreciate the tov, as well.

    #986975
    takahmamash
    Participant

    oomis:

    It took me a solid three years before I could even think of either of my parents without bursting into tears, and I am still emotional when I speak of either of them (even now, as I am typing this). But life goes on, as it is supposed to do, and you will get through this nisayon, daunting as it may feel right now.

    I was having difficult day about two months after my Dad died, and a friend I saw in our makolet helped me put things in perspective. She said, “You’ll never lose the pain of the death of a parent, but over time you’ll adjust so that it’s at bearable levels.”

    I wasn’t able to make it back to the states before my Dad died. (I was actually waiting for my flight in Ben Gurion airport when my wife called to tell me he’s passed.) I was able to make it back before my Mom died; I was with her for a week and a half, and was actually with her when she passed.

    #986976
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    takamamash – I like your vort! I sat shiva three times in 6 years and people kept saying to me, “This should be the last time you sit”, “You should have only simchos” etc. I told some of them that the only way for this to be the last time I sit, is for me to be next! How about a wish that I should have a 50 year break before the next time. I think it took people aback because they meant well, but it was certainly making me feel uncomfortable to hear it as a brocha so many times.

    #986977
    farrockgrandma
    Participant

    There are some couples (I’m thinking in particular of an aunt and uncle married nearly 65 years) that find it difficult to go on alone, and the 2nd is lonely and lost and does not live very long after the husband or wife passes away. Your parents are together now.

    There were some simchas that were important to me, occasions involving close friends, that I had to miss. We learn to value and appreciate the happy occasions even more.

    #986978
    takahmamash
    Participant

    Syag Lchochma:

    How about a wish that I should have a 50 year break before the next time.

    I’ve been told that in England it’s traditional to leave the person/people sitting shiva with the bracha “you should have a long life.” I have no way of verifying this, but it’s a nice sentiment.

    #986979
    eclectic
    Member

    You mentioned music-I get depressed without it. I told my Rav (yeshivish btw) and got a heter. I listened to less, but listened. PS My not yet frum brother went to 3 minyanim a day for my father-I’m pretty sure he’ll have a nice spot in shamayim for that-my brother (maybe my dad too)

    #986980
    takahmamash
    Participant

    I asked about music as well, but my question concerned music with exercise. I walk several times a week, and the music helps keep me focused (because I usually walk to the beat). My Rav said it was mutar to use the music, because the music is incidental to the exercise. (His exact words were, “You’re not exercising to listen to music – you’re listening to music because you exercise.)

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