October 4, 2011 9:02 pm at 9:02 pm #858825kissthecookMember
i work mainly in Israel but currently my work also takes me out of the country alot , although i work in the food biz i dont cook to much anymore… (unfortunately)October 4, 2011 9:26 pm at 9:26 pm #858826bein_hasdorimParticipant
KTC, I wish you much Hatzlacha! Happy to hear you’re in yeshivah in the A.M. Keep up the good work. “Yofeh Yorah Im Derech Eretz.”
If you talk to HB”H daily, and stay true, you’ll get someone really special! Don’t worry about your surroundings.
This is an Olam Hasheker, just make sure to be best you can be.
HB”H will take care of the rest. I guarantee it!October 5, 2011 4:41 pm at 4:41 pm #858827kissthecookMember
thanks bein hasdorim i appreciate itOctober 5, 2011 5:28 pm at 5:28 pm #858828bein_hasdorimParticipant
You’re very welcome! When the time comes, pls let us know the great news. [correction “Yofeh Torah Im Derech Eretz.”]October 5, 2011 5:44 pm at 5:44 pm #858829
“Also, not that it’s my business, but some advice: don’t say no to a girl because she went off the derech and returned (or because of her past). Sometimes those people are more sincere and stronger than people who had it easier.”
Excellently said, Queen Bee. That’s what I’ve been saying as well. Many times, people that have gone through difficulties or have “been around” come out so much stronger and more capable than the average, regular person who hasn’t been in those situations. I personally think that I need a girl who’s gone through something or has “been around” and is still a positive, genuine person.
So, KTC, I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. And if you do want some more options, you don’t only have to go through a shadchan. Try asking friends, acquaintances, or even go out and do it yourself.October 5, 2011 9:34 pm at 9:34 pm #858830
MiddlePath and Kissthecook (and to everyone else), I give you a bracha that you’ll find the right person soon.October 5, 2011 11:30 pm at 11:30 pm #858831observanteenMember
QB and MP: I agree. I would never be as strong and solid with my beliefs had I not “been around”.
BUT, I would suggest that one should do extensive research before going out with someone like that.
KTC: IMHO, if girls were hurt “physically” that’s a BIG red flag. Hatzlacha. May you find your bashert soon.
Miritchka: You’re right. What matters most is what you are inside. But one’s dresscode, hairstyle, etc. can often show what they are in the inside.October 6, 2011 5:24 pm at 5:24 pm #858832
MP- he clearly said he would go out with someone who has “been around the block” but not someone who was physically harmed!October 6, 2011 5:46 pm at 5:46 pm #858833
adorable, yes, I am aware of that, as I saw what he wrote. Sorry if caused a misunderstanding.
QB, amen, and to you as well.
observanteen, that is a very fair suggestion.October 6, 2011 6:40 pm at 6:40 pm #858834
would you go out with someone like that?October 6, 2011 6:56 pm at 6:56 pm #858835
adorable, someone like what?October 6, 2011 7:02 pm at 7:02 pm #858836
who has a past. im not asking to be nosy and I have no clue who you are so this is just a random question. sorry if you are hurt.October 6, 2011 7:13 pm at 7:13 pm #858837
I’m not hurt, don’t worry. And yes, I definitely would. I may even prefer it, as long as she is now stable.October 6, 2011 7:27 pm at 7:27 pm #858838
Observanteen: You’re right ot an extent.
‘Al Tistakel B’kankan…’October 6, 2011 7:28 pm at 7:28 pm #858839
adorable: everyone has a ‘peckel’ or ‘a past’. some just know how to hide it better…October 6, 2011 7:30 pm at 7:30 pm #858840
good for you. but do you understand why he is more hesitant about someone like that? It can be very tricky to find out if they really are stable and committed to that lifestyle. It can also be that they are physically harmed and thats nothing that can change. you have to be ok with that.October 6, 2011 7:44 pm at 7:44 pm #858841
Yes, I completely understand. And about being physically harmed, I agree, it would be essential to look into it to make sure the other person is ok with it.October 6, 2011 7:58 pm at 7:58 pm #858842
may the right one come around as easily and quickly as mine did. (if possible, even faster and smoother but dont think that could be! LOL) and you should have lots of clarity and no doubts.October 6, 2011 8:08 pm at 8:08 pm #858843
Thanks, amen.October 6, 2011 9:45 pm at 9:45 pm #858844happiestMember
Just wanted to say one thing. Not all people who have been physically abused won’t make a good wife. Yes, some may have serious fears and flashbacks and things that they don’t even know they have until they get engaged/married but others might just be ok. Also, if a person was in therapy for this then I feel that there is not much of a reason to say no to them (if ur only reason is because of the physical abuse). Of course, do intense research but I would say do intense research even if there wasn’t physical abuse in the girls background.October 6, 2011 10:12 pm at 10:12 pm #858845
happiest, I totally agree! Everyone is different, and a person shouldn’t judge someone just because someone else in a similar situation may have been affected worse or better.October 6, 2011 10:45 pm at 10:45 pm #858846October 7, 2011 3:47 am at 3:47 am #858847
QB, from all that I’ve read, you are a very strong person. But of course, it is good to always be cautious in these types of circumstances. Believe me, I know what it’s like to see how cautious potential girls are because of my own situation.October 7, 2011 4:16 am at 4:16 am #858848
as a guy who possibly dated you… i am sorry that you feel bad… Although you may feel that the guy had cold feet while in some cases that could be true but if you are who i think you are… then sadly you were misinformed….
Wish you hatzlocha………October 7, 2011 4:22 am at 4:22 am #858849
Once again i am sorry if you were hurt but venting on website…. may make you feel better now but more so…you may feel better finding out why by asking the guy why he said no… at the very least you deserve to know why that happened….
Gmar Chasema TovaOctober 7, 2011 6:10 am at 6:10 am #858850
Thanks, MP. That was really kind of you. But I think I come off much stronger online than how I am in real life. Sorry about those girls who turn you down because of your situation. That just shows they’re not for you. The right girl will accept you for who you are.October 7, 2011 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #858851
NEED- who are you writing this too?October 7, 2011 3:48 pm at 3:48 pm #858852
The person knows who i am talking too… I would rather not specify…
But i am not ref to you… no worriesOctober 7, 2011 4:05 pm at 4:05 pm #858853
sounds like you were hurt or got burnt is something like this.October 7, 2011 5:35 pm at 5:35 pm #858854
no… bh it was not like that at all… just sometimes when one person says no… the result is a grudge… Dating is personal but trash talking isnt the best approach…. I really wish the best for the other person… Side note after a person says no sometimes not always their is trash talking which leads to conversations with family … “riping that guy/girl because.gets people involved with a confrontational behavior which is never good.. its not the best response… too many ppl get involved resulting in messy situation…. Dating is personal so ppl do get hurt its really sad but it happens….October 11, 2011 3:36 pm at 3:36 pm #858855
happiest: I just read your last post “Just wanted to say one thing. Not all people who have been physically abused won’t make a good wife.” During one of our shidduch discussions, i asked my husband what the general opinion was of the boys in his yeshiva about dating a girls who was ‘physically harmed’. His answer was as follows:
A girl who was abused is not considered ‘damaged goods’ (i apologize for the term. this is how i was told it) and most boys wont hold back for that reason. They may be sometimes concerned about how the inscident(s) affected her but otherwise, its not her fault.
Mods: if you find this post to be inappropriate, please edit it. but i do think this may be helpful information to some.October 16, 2011 4:05 am at 4:05 am #858856sea.shellsMember
“the person knows who I’m talking to”
Are you talking to me?October 16, 2011 4:16 am at 4:16 am #858857akupermaParticipant
What’s the alternative to shidduchim? Single bars? The various “singles” events that those who participate in them sometimes refer to as a “meat market”?October 16, 2011 5:00 am at 5:00 am #858858squeakParticipant
Its a meet market. Not a meat market. Play on words.October 16, 2011 5:03 am at 5:03 am #858859Kshmo Kein HuMember
I’m very impressed by your post. Shidduchim always involve 2 parties and you quickly learn that you win some and you lose some. I think your attitude is mature and compassionate, and at the end of the day your so right about being allowed to say no but being human and caring about causing hurt.
I find that it is harder for me to reject than to be rejected, and I always just allay the guilt by reassuring myself that its about tachlis and the system allows you to say no. Still, its never easy to think you might have hurt someone and I try to daven for everyone I went out with that didn’t work. Especially the one who rejected me. It never hurts to care.October 16, 2011 5:28 am at 5:28 am #858860sea.shellsMember
Kshmo Kein Hu:
“I’m very impressed by your post. Shidduchim always involve 2 parties and you quickly learn that you win some and you lose some. I think your attitude is mature and compassionate, and at the end of the day your so right about being allowed to say no but being human and caring about causing hurt.
I find that it is harder for me to reject than to be rejected, and I always just allay the guilt by reassuring myself that its about tachlis and the system allows you to say no. Still, its never easy to think you might have hurt someone and I try to daven for everyone I went out with that didn’t work. Especially the one who rejected me. It never hurts to care.”
You are most definitely right. I can’t agree more..October 16, 2011 9:20 am at 9:20 am #858861ToiParticipant
i hate to be the realist but even someone whos now stable and was in therapy and came out stronger etc. has a decent chance of being affected later on in life, although they may not know it when theyre in the parshah. i know this from an experienced RY who has a hakpada on his talmidim not going out with girls that had certain histories because of stories like these, where they ARE perfectly stable etc. and 20 years later it comes back to haunt them. for the record dont yll at me how insensitive i am cuz i have a hefty historyt myself so know exactly what it feels like to be stereotyped. but passions and emotions dont get rid of facts.November 4, 2011 7:07 pm at 7:07 pm #858862
I think to reject is hard… What i mean to say is… that sometimes the question of “maybe i am making a mistake?” Will arise…. But all is minhashamayim… you do hishtadlus to the best of ones ability to make correct chioces hopefully… i hope im not wrong but i believe if through the process you speak to a rav … if its ment to be … it will come around …March 11, 2012 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #858863yummy cupcakeMember
bumping this thread back. its been many months and i’ve still not gotten an answer to my question: where is the source for what tzvi hirsh said about the malachim (refer to first pg of thread)? has anyone come across it in the past few months?March 11, 2012 9:56 pm at 9:56 pm #858864Think firstMember
Yummy cupcake- the way I saw this was in the baal shem tov on chumash on the passuk of getting divorced in parshas ki saytzai. I saw it myself. I think he even says that sometimes the person has to marry the girl and then move on and marry his bashert.March 11, 2012 10:07 pm at 10:07 pm #858865yossi z.Member
yummy: it may be a pirush on the medrash of arbaim yom kodem haleida (not sure where that medrash is though)
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