I HATE SHIDDUCHIM!!!!

i work mainly in Israel but currently my work also takes me out of the country alot , although i work in the food biz i dont cook to much anymore… (unfortunately)

thanks bein hasdorim i appreciate it

“Also, not that it’s my business, but some advice: don’t say no to a girl because she went off the derech and returned (or because of her past). Sometimes those people are more sincere and stronger than people who had it easier.”

Excellently said, Queen Bee. That’s what I’ve been saying as well. Many times, people that have gone through difficulties or have “been around” come out so much stronger and more capable than the average, regular person who hasn’t been in those situations. I personally think that I need a girl who’s gone through something or has “been around” and is still a positive, genuine person.

So, KTC, I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. And if you do want some more options, you don’t only have to go through a shadchan. Try asking friends, acquaintances, or even go out and do it yourself.

QB and MP: I agree. I would never be as strong and solid with my beliefs had I not “been around”.

BUT, I would suggest that one should do extensive research before going out with someone like that.

KTC: IMHO, if girls were hurt “physically” that’s a BIG red flag. Hatzlacha. May you find your bashert soon.

Miritchka: You’re right. What matters most is what you are inside. But one’s dresscode, hairstyle, etc. can often show what they are in the inside.

adorable, yes, I am aware of that, as I saw what he wrote. Sorry if caused a misunderstanding.

QB, amen, and to you as well.

observanteen, that is a very fair suggestion.

adorable, someone like what?

I’m not hurt, don’t worry. And yes, I definitely would. I may even prefer it, as long as she is now stable.

adorable: everyone has a ‘peckel’ or ‘a past’. some just know how to hide it better…

Yes, I completely understand. And about being physically harmed, I agree, it would be essential to look into it to make sure the other person is ok with it.

Thanks, amen.

happiest, I totally agree! Everyone is different, and a person shouldn’t judge someone just because someone else in a similar situation may have been affected worse or better.

QB, from all that I’ve read, you are a very strong person. But of course, it is good to always be cautious in these types of circumstances. Believe me, I know what it’s like to see how cautious potential girls are because of my own situation.

Once again i am sorry if you were hurt but venting on website…. may make you feel better now but more so…you may feel better finding out why by asking the guy why he said no… at the very least you deserve to know why that happened….

Gmar Chasema Tova

NEED- who are you writing this too?

sounds like you were hurt or got burnt is something like this.

happiest: I just read your last post “Just wanted to say one thing. Not all people who have been physically abused won’t make a good wife.” During one of our shidduch discussions, i asked my husband what the general opinion was of the boys in his yeshiva about dating a girls who was ‘physically harmed’. His answer was as follows:

A girl who was abused is not considered ‘damaged goods’ (i apologize for the term. this is how i was told it) and most boys wont hold back for that reason. They may be sometimes concerned about how the inscident(s) affected her but otherwise, its not her fault.

Mods: if you find this post to be inappropriate, please edit it. but i do think this may be helpful information to some.

What’s the alternative to shidduchim? Single bars? The various “singles” events that those who participate in them sometimes refer to as a “meat market”?

NEEDIDEAS:

I’m very impressed by your post. Shidduchim always involve 2 parties and you quickly learn that you win some and you lose some. I think your attitude is mature and compassionate, and at the end of the day your so right about being allowed to say no but being human and caring about causing hurt.

I find that it is harder for me to reject than to be rejected, and I always just allay the guilt by reassuring myself that its about tachlis and the system allows you to say no. Still, its never easy to think you might have hurt someone and I try to daven for everyone I went out with that didn’t work. Especially the one who rejected me. It never hurts to care.

i hate to be the realist but even someone whos now stable and was in therapy and came out stronger etc. has a decent chance of being affected later on in life, although they may not know it when theyre in the parshah. i know this from an experienced RY who has a hakpada on his talmidim not going out with girls that had certain histories because of stories like these, where they ARE perfectly stable etc. and 20 years later it comes back to haunt them. for the record dont yll at me how insensitive i am cuz i have a hefty historyt myself so know exactly what it feels like to be stereotyped. but passions and emotions dont get rid of facts.

bumping this thread back. its been many months and i’ve still not gotten an answer to my question: where is the source for what tzvi hirsh said about the malachim (refer to first pg of thread)? has anyone come across it in the past few months?

yummy: it may be a pirush on the medrash of arbaim yom kodem haleida (not sure where that medrash is though)