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I hope the person this applies to doesnt mind too much.
So I was by someone on Shabbos and their mother and sister weren’t home. I was told that they were staying in a hotel over shabbos to be able to attend a wedding after shabbos. Their cousin or something was marrying a goy and the wedding was starting on shabbos. They were going to go after shabbos. This bothered me a lot. I was raised by my grandparents, both holocaust survivors, and i therefore cannot understand how someone can marry a goy. i’m usually very good at understanding the other side of every issue, but this is one i legitimately cannot wrap my mind around. it bothered me very much to the point where i could think of nothing else the entire shabbos.
so my friend and i started talking about a different branch of his family that still has hope and how to go about being mekarev them. we spent a long time talking, swapping ideas, and discussing their personalities and beliefs. how to go about being mekarev them. and it just seemed so…daunting. every solution had another problem and neither of us was in a position to implement a single idea we came up with.
and i was thinking about why this was affecting me so badly.
i felt guilty. i know another girl who is marrying a goy and there is nothing i can do about that. and it makes me so sad and guilty that there is nothing i can do about it. and then discussing the other part of his family made me feel even more guilty that there was nothing i can do about them. then i remembered every person i’ve ever spoken to about anything remotely kiruv related, going over every second of the conversation and cringing every few seconds at something i could have said, should have said, or should not have said. and for every single person that i could have spent more time with and for every single person i could have gotten to do more. every person i could have given something to. every person with questions that i could have tried to answer even though i had never even met them, because i never made the effort.
all this was weighing on me the entire shabbos and it still is. i dont have any menucha from this…every waking moment of the day this is on my mind and i have no idea what to do. ive spoken to my rav and he said im fine…but its really bothering me. ive tried several times to get into some kind of organization but nobody wants me. i need ideas.
At least since it’s a girl marrying a Goy the kids will be Jewish.
Every person has to decide what’s right for them. If you are physically/emotionally capable of remaining close to such people then it is a great thing if you can keep their connection to Yiddishkeit. But if it harms you (either spiritually or emotionally) then maybe you need to consider not being in contact with such people anymore. You can’t live your friends’ lives for them. All you can do is be there as a support and hope that they eventually return. But a support that it itself bends or breaks does no one any good. From your post it sounds like maybe it’s not your Tafkid to do Kiruv like this. Do whatever you can but be conscious of your own limits. If you try and break your own emotional limits, even though you have the very best intentions at heart, you might end up harming yourself more than you help anyone else.
For you to feel feeling GUILTY is NOT the solution NOR healthy NOR even right! My dear friend, I can only try to comprehend your feelings and I think the OVERWHELMING feeling that you have now is sadness. Sadness of a(nother) lost neshama. But you have to understand, that everyone has bechira, and THEY chose to associate themselves with goyim instead of yidden. Yes, it is SO sad. But we can only do so much. YOU can only do so much. you’re not a kiruv worker. your just a REGULAR guy. don’t be so hard on yourself. YOU didn’t want this to happen. It’s not YOU. Perhaps speak to someone in kiruv and tell your story, I’m sure they had THEIR share of “failure” stories, and can offer optimistic and uplifting advice. There is just so much we can control. Hatzlocha.
G-d isn’t letting you help these people. Read the Torah and you’ll see that if you have the desire and Hashem has a desire then there will be an explosive reaction and you’ll be able to save someone. What I do is focus on what I can do. I’ve had people close to me suggest that I do this or that. I do this or that and it doesn’t work. I then do something else and although it’s not the fireworks type of life that we hoped we’d be participating in we see that there’s a richness in the things that Hashem allows us to do. Doing anything for anyone else (like holding a door open etc.)is a tremendous opportunity.
And in terms of being the children of Holocaust Survivors my father told me not to hate people who were not directly involved. Most people are interested in fitting in and also we all have DNA and so if we don’t have a Torah education we don’t understand that Hashem finds it undesirable for the Jew and Non-Jew to marry. Assimilation is a very logical result when one doesn’t know how important it is to live as a Jew.
We are very priviledged to know that it is important to be religious and we should focus on whatever is within our power to please Hashem.
Most of my husband’s paternal cousins are not frum. When we go to such a wedding we first check the caterer to make sure it is glatt. If it isn’t we get special meals. WE don’t go into the chupah if it is a reform or conservative synagogue that is being used, they know this. Our entire family, who attend the wedding, will go in to the smorg, to mingle with the family and give Mazel Tov, and then NONE of us will go into the ceremony, but will rejoin them at the dinner. My shver a”h who was their uncle didn’t allow it and we all followed the rules. If it is just in a catering hall where a chupah is set up then we participate. If it is a glatt caterer then one of us speaks to the mashgiach.
B”H we did not have an incident that any one of them married a goy. Although they are not frum, not even one considered marrying out of the faith. Our family history is very strong and public. Although the orthodox element is not necessarily there, the jewish identification, ideology and spiritual connection is very strong.
The concept of going to the wedding anyway if one marries a goy is probably to show the relative that they are a JEW and they remain a JEW and when the marriage fails, they will still be a JEW. Probably because we don’t accept the marriage and we expect it to fail.
Airies, these marriages don’t all fail. I know of several cases of intermarriage where after several years, the partner became very interested in Judaism and eventually converted. All of these couples had a chuppah and became active, as families, in the shul. In 2 cases, the converted husbands ended up becoming president of the shul. They daven beautifully – one of them reads Torah as if he has been doing it all of his life and the other often leads the mincha/mariv service.
Soliek, unfortunately you cannot “save” everyone and you cannot take everything so personally or you will burn out. Obviously kiruv is very important to you and you should put your efforts where they may be able to do the most good. I can’t understand why an organization wouldn’t want you. Have you considered doing some work for Jews for Judaism? They are a wonderful organization and have been able to “rescue” many Jews from misguided messianics who have them convinced that their brand of xtianity is actually Judaism. I think you would be a wonderful asset to their work. Don’t be so diheartened. You do the very best that you can and that is all that can be asked of someone.
The reason this is, is because these people weren’t brought up Jewish so the don’t understand what’s the difference between a Jew and a Goy (the same person would marry a person of color if they so chose)
This was primarily because as a kid they saw no difference
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