February 27, 2012 7:15 pm at 7:15 pm #602251
I’ve been really stressed lately. I posted in another thread that my wife and I had gone through fertility treatments to have our children. I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but now, it’s time to pay back some of the people we borrowed money from at the time. Money I don’t have. We also just got the tuition bill for next year. Tuition, of course, went up. On top of that, my wife has been dealing with some medical issues, and the bulk of things around the house has fallen on me. I get up at 5:30 every morning so I can get to Shacharis and don’t get to bed until close to midnight every night.
I’m really started to break under all the pressure. I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m short-tempered (and I’m a guy who is usually very laid back and never gets upset). Even my kids said recently that I’m yelling a lot.
I spoke to my Rav, and he recommended a therapist for me to speak to. Problem is the guy doesn’t take insurance, and I can’t afford to pay him what he charges.
I don’t even know what I want by writing this. I guess I just want to vent a little. Sorry.February 27, 2012 8:16 pm at 8:16 pm #1195217AinOhdMilvadoParticipant
Pick up the sefer ??? ?????? by the great Rav Gamliel Rabinovitch, shlit”a of Yerushalayim. It is also available in English and called The Essence of Emunah.
It is great and I think it might help.
It’s easy to have emunah when all is going well, but maintaining it when things are tough is a different story, and Rav Gamliel deals with that reality.
If you get anxiety attacks when you are trying to go to sleep, and all your worries are running through your head – try MY mantra… just keep repeating to yourself ‘Ain Ohd Milvado’, ‘Ain Ohd Milvado’ ‘Ain Ohd Milvado’ – over and over and over and over…
Hatzlacha rabah.February 27, 2012 8:21 pm at 8:21 pm #1195218YehudahTzviParticipant
I certainly feel your pain.
Take a deep breath. Ain Od Milvado. I know it seems very hard now, but we are living in a time when people need to batul themselves. Trust me. I have gone from a XXX,XXX dollar a year job to being disabled, in constant pain and living hand to mouth (asking for help from in-laws, etc.). It;s all from G-d and you need to understand that it’s not the nisayon that matters but how we deal with it. This is NOT easy. It is nearly impossible. Just try and remind yourself that you are not in control. Hashem is and He knows best.
Talk to the yeshivah and say that you need help. Talk to those you borrowed from and ask for an extension or to make realistic payments over a longer period. Ask a local girls yeshivah if they have a chessed program. They usually do and will send a few students over to help with the housework and your wife. Just do your Hishtadlus and Hashem will take care of the rest.
Lastly, you need sleep. You are no good to anyone, especially Hashem and yourself if you are about to break. Leave the chores until tomorrow and get a good night’s sleep.
Thank G-d every day for your children. Many cannot have them. thank G-d every day for your wife. Many can’t find shidduchim or have R”L lost their spouses. Thanks G-d every day that you have a home, are alive, live in a free country and are a Yid.
Hug your kids and tell them why they are special and that you love them unconditionally. Tell them that sometimes tings get stressful but that you don’t mean to take it out on them and that it’s nothing they’re doing.
Good luck and keep us posted.February 27, 2012 8:34 pm at 8:34 pm #1195219mom12Participant
start learning some ‘Ohr Hachaim’. and wach things fall into place.February 27, 2012 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #1195220YatzmichMember
Borrow money for the therapy. Pay a lot of money and get a GOOD therapist. I was in the same situation as you & therapy SAVED ME. I now have a beautiful & happy family thanks 100% to the therapy.
Just do it. You wont regret it.February 27, 2012 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #1195221littleappleMember
The book helped me also and I spoke (by phone) and got advice from R. Gamliel as well.
There was a story about a powerful non-religious lawyer in Europe who objected to the practice of a certain yeshiva that sent young bachurim collecting and complained to the Rebbe of the yeshiva and he answered him this is important so that they learn it is not wrong to lower oneself and ask for help especially if the alternative is a crack up. The lawyer remembered it years later when his situation changed and he was at the end of his rope, almost suicidal and he came back, to yiddishkeit as well as sanity. Besuras tovos v’kol tuv.February 27, 2012 9:11 pm at 9:11 pm #11952222scentsParticipant
I dont know your situation, however since you are asking for advice, I will give you whatever I have.
I would recommend that you take a short break, even for just two days.
In these two days, do not think about anything, just relax learn and read.
Once the short Rest comes to its end, sit down and write up a plan.
Of course this means that you have to calculate all of your expenses.
Again, I am no professional, just a plain person giving plain advice.February 27, 2012 9:17 pm at 9:17 pm #1195223smartcookieMember
OP, I feel very sorry for you but don’t see how can help.
Perhaps you can speak to your children’s Yeshiva about tuition? Ask them for a break? Explain the situation to them and make somw kind of installment plan?February 27, 2012 10:00 pm at 10:00 pm #1195224bptParticipant
Wow, do I feel for you. Pressure can break even the most optimistic person.
Still, if you can reach out, you can get help, so all is not lost.
My take? Here it is:
Help around the house – This is priority # 1. Whatever you can do to help things run smooth, will pay you back 10 fold.
Tuition – You can most likely get a payment plan so you can stay afloat.
Therapist – This, I think is something you can live without. You give the impression of someone with a real game plan, but with a landslide to deal with. There are so many self-help books out there (both on-line and in print) that you can probably work this out on your own.
Therapists will hold your hand, but (from my experience) never let you go.
You can beat this on your own.February 27, 2012 10:10 pm at 10:10 pm #1195225tryinghardMember
Sorry to hear DaMoshe. I can somewhat feel what you’re feeling.
Let yourself be helped! Don’t go to therapists. They are going to suck every penny out; with no help. You’re not in a situation where you need a listening ear, you need money. Talk to your family (they’re your friends) they feel for you. If mods allow, you can contact me via email. (I promise not to take a cent, perhaps I can help with your wifes medical issue). Hatzlucha Rabbah. May we all hear only bsiras tovas!February 27, 2012 11:08 pm at 11:08 pm #1195226twistedParticipant
a brocha for a yeshua bkorov. Just try to have a zman kavau for learning bchavrusa for even a minimum time. It will give you chizuk and is insurance for just feeling human.July 5, 2012 1:17 pm at 1:17 pm #1195227
Thankfully, after the last time I posted, something happened, and my wife and I came into a decent amount of money. Hashem definitely helps when we need it!
We paid back the loans that needed to be paid. We had money left over, and planned on doing some much-needed work on our home. We got some estimates, and were about to sign an agreement – and my wife got laid off from her job.
Now the stress is back. Getting some money is obviously nice, but when you don’t have a job, it’s amazing how quickly the money goes! Without her working, I really can’t afford tuition next year at all for my kids. Now I have to speak to the school administrator and explain this to him. I feel terrible. I had always hoped never to need a scholarship for my kids’ education. Now, I need to tell them I can’t afford to pay a single cent until my wife gets a job again!
I’ve had so many times where I needed financial help, and Hashem always helped me at the last second. I’m sure this time will be no different. But I still worry!July 5, 2012 2:51 pm at 2:51 pm #1195228yytzParticipant
Sorry to hear about the financial difficulties and worries! I recommend reading the sefer Garden of Riches by Rav Shalom Arush. He has helped a lot of people with their financial problems with his teachings. All of his books are inexpensive, easy and fast to read, and (to me at least) very helpful.July 5, 2012 6:16 pm at 6:16 pm #1195229HealthParticipant
DA Moshe -“We paid back the loans that needed to be paid. We had money left over, and planned on doing some much-needed work on our home.”
You’re ahead of the game compared to me. I have no idea if I’ll ever pay off my loans. My wife left and took almost all the kids.
I have my family pay my kids’ tuition.
“Problem is the guy doesn’t take insurance, and I can’t afford to pay him what he charges.”
Wow -how lucky you are that you have insurance. I don’t and others that I know, also don’t. I could go on and on, but I don’t want to brag.
I’m sure your insurance company has a list of therapists who they cover. Find one by researching who is the better ones that take your insurance.July 6, 2012 2:31 am at 2:31 am #1195230Song of BlessingParticipant
OP sounds rough. Be strong, whatever goes up can go down, and whatever goes down goes up. Don’t try to compare your situation to others it never helps. You have your own trials to deal with (sorry health I don’t mean to be insulting).
But sometimes the best way is to sit down and come up with a plan on how to fix things. Think about what you CAN do and if something seems impossible… leave it alone… and after you’ve done what you can… the rest is in Hashem’s hands…July 6, 2012 4:06 am at 4:06 am #1195231HealthParticipant
shira -“You have your own trials to deal with (sorry health I don’t mean to be insulting).”
This shows you’re a new poster. I’m not the least bit insulted. E/o is entitled to their opinion. If e/o had the same opinion about everything -this CR wouldn’t exist.
And insults sometimes fly regulary here. And No – I’m not the only poster who puts others down. It can get very heated in the CR!July 6, 2012 4:46 pm at 4:46 pm #1195232scienceprogramMember
Damoshe, imagine if I told you that in 5 years from now, all your loans would be paid off and that this year, you would have enough money to be able to pay a lower tuition that the school would allow?
Would you then still feel so stressed? Probably not as much, (although there are also other pressures like too much to do in too little time).
Obviously, I can’t tell you the above, only Hashem could, but isn’t that what BITACHON IS? to TRUST IN HIM! to feel SECURE that all will be okay and work out!
I am not preaching. I am trying to explain to you what I believe
is part of the challenge in life. It is HARD to have Bitachon. It is a daily test to not think about and not worry about tom. but do our hishtadlus and let Hashem take care of it.
You are not the only one with this problem. There are lots of Jewish head of households worrying about how they will be able to pay their tuition, their rent, for food…
You have a lot on your shoulders ALONG WITH THE STRESS OF MONEY, and it too much to bear. But, you could do it along with others who are struggling just like you.
While we live paycheck to paycheck, and I do not have loans to pay off, I also do not own a home… In addition, for personal reasons, 95% of household responsibilities, cleaning, schoolwork, cooking.. as well as working full time, falls on my shoulders.
I also have a boss that just adds to the pressure which makes me nervous that I will lose my job. I also get no support from parents or sibilings just more pressure and “things that I must do for them”.
I also have to get up at around 5 am and do not get to sleep until very late. I hardly have time to take care of myself and just recently had to try to squeeze in time to go to the doctor because of an emergency medical condition that developed inside me. It got worse because I could not get off work right away (otherwise I am in danger of losing my job) and had to push off going to the doctor.
The only way I can get through life and try not to be stressed is to work on my Bitachon. I try to not think about my future like How will I be able to pay my bills? How will I be able to continue like this? What if I get sick and have to take off from work, I could lose my job as they are very strict!? etc.
It is not easy to do, but I believe this is the only way. I do not believe that any therapist can take away your stress unless they go through exercises that try to train you to not worry but to rely and trust that Hashem will take care of the rest (after you do hishtadlus).
Again, I am not lecturing you or giving you mussar; I am just sharing with you what I believe is the only way to deal with the stresses of life. I believe that everyone has challenges that stress them, although most people do not divulge what is really going on in their lives.
Please let me know what you think.July 8, 2012 3:48 am at 3:48 am #1195233yoyo56Member
i havent posted in awjile and u seem to be in allot of pain and stress and i know there is this number that u can call its free and they help u find a therapist which is good yet your insurance will cover i didnt read what the other ppl said but if u want i can get it for u. just let me knowNovember 24, 2016 2:07 pm at 2:07 pm #1195234Shraga18Participant
If you’re still a CR reader, I would like to hear how things have worked out for you. Four years later, are you doing better? Have things worked out?November 28, 2016 1:46 am at 1:46 am #1195235
Thank you for caring!
B”H, things are definitely much better. I recently had a conversation with someone who was trying to convince me to try something (don’t worry, nothing illegal or dangerous!) that I wasn’t too interested in. He said, “At the least, it’s good for dealing with stress!” I thought for a moment and responded, “You know, for the first time in years, I can honestly say I have almost no stress in my life right now!”
I am so thankful to Hashem for that!November 28, 2016 3:24 am at 3:24 am #1195236LightbriteParticipant
DaMoshe: May you continue to always have no stress and only sweet good and may that extend to your family and loved ones always and please say Amen. 🙂
Yays B”H.November 28, 2016 5:14 am at 5:14 am #1195237mw13Participant
We usually just here the problems here on the CR, not the good stuff. Always nice to see a happy ending…November 28, 2016 5:18 am at 5:18 am #1195238mw13Participant
Hows everyone else doing? Health, scienceprogram?
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