Indecisiveness and Shidduchim

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    12th grader

    For the record, I’m not a 12th grader anymore…

    Just curious if anyone else has this problem. I’m never sure whether to say no to another date or not. I’ll go out and the date won’t be bad. So I say yes to second date. Then the second date goes well but some issues bother me and while I know that I can’t have everything I’m still young and don’t want to “settle” for a lot yet. So either I’ll say yes to a 3rd date but feel like it’s pointless or say no and wonder if I made a mistake.

    Anyone else find shidduchim REALLY confusing??


    What happens after the “pointless” third date?


    daven for clarity– Hashem’s should send you your beshert bekarov with clarity

    and I encourage people to date and continue up to the 5th.. because a lot of times the 1st dates pple arent themselves (nervous or whatever)


    happens all the time. most of the time u give it more shots till u see it NEVER happening… if u dont see that then just make it work. u like him? u like his family? just dont see n e thing rolling, don’t worry it will start rolling fast once u push the pedal.

    Dont be scared . sounds like u have cold feet.


    First of all you should never feel like you are settling, at any age!

    Number 2, and this is something only you can answer, Are you indicisive in other areas as well? because then being indicisive in shidduchim is just a by-product of a much bigger “problem”


    Sacrilege, there is another term for settling – “thinking out of the box”. At a young age pple want to marry the picture they have in their mind. At a certain age pple “settle” – doesnt mean they marry a ________. Settling can be marrying someone more/less chasidish/yeshivish than you originally had in mind.


    Shidduchim can be very confusing- to put it mildly.for everybody (%99.9 to be fair). One thing that sO very important is to have someone (not a friend. i mean someone older- a teacher or someone you trust) to talk to about the things that bother you. truthfuly, imo, no one is perfect and since each person grew up in their own home, you will find differences in every body that might be a bit strange to you or odd. one person may be struggling in an area that is a no brainer to you, but that doesn’t make him any less of a ben torah! different families, different ways. even in the same communities. that doesnt mean your settling in any way. of course if something bothers you sooooo muchhhhh he might not be for you… Good luck! And Daven LOTS!!!



    I wouldnt call that Settling or as you say “thinking out of the box” that is simply marrying someone other than you thought was what you wanted. It doesnt mean you are settling.

    For example, I am a very decisive person, always have been. I know exactly what I want and I dont waste my time hemming and hawing over decisions. Should I happen to go out with someone, and really like them, but they arent the exact picture of what I wanted, I wont think I am settling because I will think they are just as good just not what I had had originally in mind.


    Since YOU don’t know what Hashem has in mind for you, my advice is always to continue until you know for sure its not for you. If you feel you are settling because s/he does not meet all the criteria on your list, then my advice to you is “throw out your list”. Most people never get even 20% on their lists and that is why the lists we make up are foolish. We only THINK we know what we are looking for and that’s because we really are not looking for OUR bashert. We are looking for our dream and fantasy of a spouse. What we really need to be searching for is who Hashem picked out for us. So he might be shorter than what we really wanted but that doesn’t mean he isn’t our bashert. She might not be as thin as planned but that doesn’t mean she is not the right one. Are you getting my point? That is not called settling, that is called understanding.

    If you date someone and you find the qualities and values in that person that you can respect and admire those are things that are important and you should continue to see where it will lead. If there are minor things that irritate you, then maybe those things can be discussed to see if they can be fixed or if they are really important enough to give up on the shidduch. For instance anyone can change their appearance with a little bit of help. A person can buy new glasses or even contacts. And with a little help in the wardrobe department, a shleppy looking person can be taught to dress a little more dapper. But you can’t change a person from the inside out. Height and weight are not as important as a good heart and soul.


    of course shidduchim are confusing! there are so many factors that go into deciding who you will marry! this is not a little decision. it is a major life decision! you wanna make sure you get it right the first time IY”H.

    like was mentioned before, the main thing to do is daven to H-Shem that He grant you clarity of thought.

    if you have someone older than you who you are close with (and i don’t mean a friend going through shidduchim herself) like a teacher, mentor, mechanechet, whatever, ask them what they think.

    btw, i just assumed you are a girl, if i’m wrong, substitute the female words for their male versions!


    It isn’t just shidduchim that are confusing. It’s LIFE that’s confusing. When we’ve (hopefully) finished being confused about shidduchim then we get to be confused about marriage…then about raising children. Then we have teenagers, and life REALLY gets confusing 🙂 And then having our own children “in the parshah….”

    Consider what you’re going through now as training for dealing with the rest of your life. Learn not to be distressed by not being in control. The only one in control is HKBH!

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