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[First hi everybody. I’ve been lurking here for some time but didn’t start to post until recently]
I have a question about dating. I’m from Israel so I hope I use terms like “redt” and “bashert” right.
I’m quiet in my nature (or reserved, or introvert, pick whichever you like) and whenever I’m redt a girl whom I hear is extrovert, outgoing, and not so quiet in general, I’m reluctant to go for a date. I will probably go for it eventually – because there are only so many suggestions and you never know who’s your bashert But I’m very disinclined to do so.
My attitude is partly based on chemistry with people who are similar to me, and partly on my history of being rejected by some extrovert girls, and having some good dates with more quiet girls.
Do you think my approach is illogical? what do you do in the same situation? (as an intovert whose redt an extrovert and the other way around) and what do you think about it in general?
Opposites attract.
Joseph: “Opposites attract.”
Often, but not always. Often people marry people who are similar to them.
Person1, you know yourself best and welcome to the posting area of the CR!
Do what you think, if you have had that many bad dates with extrovert girls than go after introverts. But I think if something is redt to you, it’s min hashamayim. If everything else is a good match I suggest you go out with her. Certainly don’t look for extraverts, but if one comes to you I think it’s hishtadlus to check it out.
It certainly doesn’t make sense to turn down the shidduch because of this
Meno – i agree.
Person1 – dont turn down a shidduch based on if the person is loud or quit.
Person1:
Firstly, a warm hello. For an Israeli, your English is impeccable. Thanks for a good question, well phrased. Personally, I certainly understand where you’re coming from, and not knowing you personally I would be hesitant to make any blanket judgement.
But I know of successful shidduchim where one partner is far louder than the other. Indeed, in many cases the more introverted, thoughtful nature of one perfectly matches and complements the ‘louder’ nature of the other, and vice versa. There have also been plenty of instances where very extroverted people go out, and have nothing to say to each other. The process is to find a bashert, and being loud or quiet is often immaterial.
NeutiquamErro – well said.
Thank you. Much appreciated.
Doesn’t every relationship need a balance? Like I’m just thinking of all the couple’s I know including my own parents and their personalities are so opposite that that’s what makes them still together. Imagine having two really quiet people there would never be any conversation I exciting things happening or two loud people or two lazy people …the list goes on and on.
#justbishow
Person1: I know of many long term successful marriages between people who have some opposite attributes. As long as at their core, i.e. values, they are similar.
When personalities and/or abilities compliment each other, each person can learn from each other and grow. You may not become an extrovert, but you may become a little more outgoing.
Good luck!
Welcome, Person1!
We all know many couples where one side is much louder than the other, yet they have beautiful marriages. There is certainly truth in the fact that having different characteristics to one’s spouse can complement the relationship.
I wouldn’t say, however, that ‘opposites attract’. I think the truth lies more in the fact that being an ‘introvert’ or an ‘extrovert’ doesn’t make you ‘opposites’.
It would be doing an injustice to Homo Sapiens (aka Humanity, to those are Israeli!) to say that you can define the complex human personality in one word. Humans are complicated, multifaceted creatures, and no one characteristic defines the person. So although your ‘introverted’ nature may on the surface seem like a polar opposite, you may be similar in many other ways other than your natural interaction with others.
Some people [especially introverts] deliberately look for a spouse who is louder or more social, to make up for their ‘lack of input’, or to create a balance. As long as they are both comfortable with themselves and each other [i.e. neither of them feel threatened by each others personality], it shouldn’t get in the way of a relationship.
That being said, it can be that you don’t feel comfortable with a loud girl, for a whole host of reasons. You may feel the relationship becoming one sided, you may have conflicting interests as a result which make you wary of such a relationship. And that is also fine. You are allowed to not feel comfortable.
Only you [or people who know you well] can advise you whether it is a reason not to go out. The fact that it is redt obviously doesn’t obligate you to go out, it certainly isn’t necessarily a Hechsher from Hashem that you must marry each other. But how much is there to lose by dating an otherwise perfect girl?
So, on average, I think guys should expect their wife will be nine times as talkative as himself.
Date accordingly.
I think the rule of “opposites attract” only applies to magnetic and electrical forces. In most other cases the rule is more like “opposites don’t necessarily repel”
The Passuk in Beraishis (Perek Beis Passuk Yud Ches says “?? ????????? ??????? ???????? ??? ???? ?????? ??????? ???????? ???????? ???? ????? ???????????:
The words Ezer K’negdo can be understood in various ways. One way is a “helper opposite him” meaning a helper who is the opposite of him. This could mean that someone with the same core values but opposite personalities may be suited for one another.
May Hashem let you find your barshet b’korov.
#justbishow
#justbishownen
One thing that I have found both from my own experience as well as friends’ is that often people say they want someone extroverted or introverted and that is not really what they mean. Really they may be referring to a certain quality that is important to them that they associate with extroversion or introversion. For example, I always said that I wanted someone extroverted and then I realized that I meant someone with good social skills and self-confidence. I have a friend who wants someone introverted because she associates introversion with social skills and self-confidence.
It may be kidai for you to think about whether or not it’s the extroversion/introversion factor that’s important to you or something else. For example, maybe what you really mean is that you want someone who is a good listener.
It is also important to remember that people often end up with someone different than what they thought, so on the one hand, you should pay attention to your instincts and feelings, but at the same time, try not to be too rigid. Try to hear what the specific girl is about and don’t just label her as extroverted.
In terms of whether it’s better to marry someone similar or different, it can go either way, so there is no rule. It depends what you are comfortable with and what works for you.
Just my opinion.
Hatzlacha in finding your zivug b’karov!
ps: just want to add: if in general you find that a certain “type” is more likely to work for you, you should certainly give “kadima” to that type.
Comlink x what?
I’m an extrovert who used to be an introvert.
Thanks! It’s interesting – when I look around me, I see both types of marriages – ones where both people are similar and ones where they are different. Amongst my siblings, it seems to be half and half.
Comlink x what?
I’m not going to explain it (but it has nothing to do with the chassidish shidduch practice of “bishow,” which I assume was what you meant).
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