Is a Boy Looking to Date a Girl or a Chavrusah?

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Viewing 43 posts - 301 through 343 (of 343 total)
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  • #1218050

    tzippi
    Member

    Re Mr. Hill: according to demographics, the latter has to change. I’m a bit skeptical myself, though.

    I think that Will is a Mrs.

    #1218051

    Jothar
    Member

    Perhaps boys need to start being allowed to do jobs again in the summer, to gain a much-needed sense of responsibility, enabling them to handle the achrayus of marriage at a younger age.

    #1218052

    tzippi
    Member

    Re Jothar: absolutely!

    And I’ll have to start reading Will Hill’s posts a bit differently, hadn’t realized.

    #1218053

    squeak
    Participant

    ames, you got it exactly. A clever girl should know how much of her cleverness is safe to reveal.

    #1218055

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    bump

    #1218056

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    OP:”There was a case recently where a girl insisted on cutting a date short because she didnt want the boy to miss Mincha-Maariv(yes, she liked him and it was their second date and she is still not married, lol)”

    It might have been me. Once when I was on a date, I told the guy I had to daven Mincha. I didn’t mean that the date had to be cut short. All I meant was that I was going to take 5 minutes to go to the corner to daven.

    He didn’t know that girls are chayiv in Mincha, so he assumed that I was reminding him to daven Mincha, and that that meant I wanted the date cut short. When he finally figured out that I was talking about myself, he was shocked that I daven Mincha. He seemed to think I was a feminist or something.

    On second thought, I didn’t like him, and I think it was a first date, so I guess it wasn’t me.

    #1218057

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Hashem is reading – curious as to why you bumped this thread?

    #1218058

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    Lilmod Ulelamaid: I was recently having a similiar discussion with someone.. So I was intrigued when I saw this thread. so I bumped it to see if any one has anything else to add.

    curious as to why you always ask me why I bump specific threads?:) does it always have to be for a reason?? lol

    #1218059

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “curious as to why you always ask me why I bump specific threads?:) does it always have to be for a reason??”

    Something like this?? Yes, it does!!!

    I’m wondering what your thoughts are on this topic – I’m assuming you must have some, if you bumped this.

    #1218060

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    my only thought is that I hate that their are so many rules in dating. like you cant say this, you need to say this. don’t say this until the third date forsure don’t say this until the sixth date. like hello! if your trying to see if your gonna marry this each other then shouldn’t you both just be yourselves??

    obviously don’t say anything stupid, but why all the rules?!

    #1218061

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    + 1,000!

    Once you reach a certain age, you get to decide which rules you want to keep and which ones you don’t.

    #1218062

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    Lilmod Ulelamaid: meaning after you’ve dated a while the rules don’t count? right, but most people don’t want to reach “the age of not caring”.

    #1218063

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    True.

    I agree that people should be themselves. I was very disturbed by the OP, personally. If a girl uses certain terms, it’s going to be assumed that she is trying to impress the boy??!! That sounds so ridiculous and judgmental to me. Maybe those words are part of her vocabulary. And now if either she or someone similar read this thread, they will feel like they have to be careful to davka NOT use those words on a date.

    And honestly, I find it hard to believe that she davka used those words to impress the boy. Girls don’t usually try to sound more intellectual than they are in order to impress boys. The problem is usually the opposite – that girls are sometimes made to feel like they have to pretend to be less intellectual than they are.

    Obviously people have to be realistic and normal and socially appropriate, and sometimes this can mean not overly-stressing certain aspects of themselves. L’maaseh we all do that all the time even though we are not necessarily aware of it. That is what basic social skills are about – not just saying everything you are thinking, and knowing when it’s appropriate to talk about what.

    But at the same time, there is a limit. And if a person normally uses certain terms in their conversation, they shouldn’t feel like they can’t do so on a date because they will sound too intellectual. A girl like that needs a guy who will appreciate an intellectual girl.

    And I don’t get what’s wrong with reminding him to daven Mincha. I would think that most guys would appreciate such a reminder, assuming it was given in a nice way. And if he doesn’t, he probably is not worthy of a girl like her.

    But then again, I wasn’t there. And maybe the problem with both things (the terminology and the Mincha) was the way they were done.

    #1218064

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    random side point: if you dont trust him that he davened already or that he’ll daven later than drop the shidduch asap. a marriage is based on trust. so if your already starting up now, then this shidduch is bad news.

    #1218065

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    Two pointers on relationships:

    1. guys don’t want to marry a mashgiach. They don’t want their dates/wives reminding them that it is time for minyan or shiur. Chochmas nashim bonsa baysa- women have to know how to be a positive influence on their husbands in a smart way. Notice, that On ben Peles’s wife did not nag and lecture him on and on about the bad influence of Korach and his gang. Instead she did something to make sure he could not join them.

    2. Guys do not want to feel that their wives know more than they do. Which means that a super intellectual girl needs someone who can handle that. Still, I have seen many a smart, learned wife defer to her husband on a point of Torah or halacha even though she for sure knew the answer herself and did not have to ask him. That I think is part of being smart too. It’s not about playing dumb, or changing your nature, but rather giving the husband the respect he deserves as the person who has the chiyuv to learn Torah.

    #1218066

    Joseph
    Participant

    Good points, Winnie. If someone actually knew a topic better than the CEO, would he dare try to overrule the CEO on that topic?

    #1218067

    Little Froggie
    Participant

    WTP: Excellent post!! So well written!

    #1218068

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    oh, thanks guys (blushing). Some of that was learned the hard way…

    #1218069

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “Some of that was learned the hard way..”

    sounds like you might have some interesting stories to share …

    #1218070

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    doesn’t everyone?

    #1218071

    jhonny appleseed
    Participant

    When my parents were dating, my mother was saying how its so annoying when boys talk “Yeshivisha Raid” and my father was like “yeah, i ‘Grada’ don’t use yeshivisha raid!

    LOL!

    #1218072

    baisyaakovliberal
    Participant

    that’s funny, ja 🙂

    #1218073

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    What is “Yeshivisha Raid”?

    #1218074

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    JA – lol, literally. I hope I didn’t wake up my mother. But that was FUNNY!

    sorry, LF, I couldn’t loq for that one.

    #1218075

    Joseph
    Participant

    They should teach girls yeshivishe raid in beis yaakovs.

    #1218076

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    They should teach boys English in yeshivos.

    #1218077

    My entire post is intended to prove that women are unadvised to learn Torah Shebaal peh, but it is not a strict issur

    It is even less than that.

    In private it is to be recommended

    Read Rabbi JD Bleich

    #1218078

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    IITIF – +1.

    According to most opinions, it is not assur for women to learn Gemara. If anything is assur, it’s for a man to teach her.

    And of course, one must always consider his/her reasons for doing anything.

    #1218079

    FuturePOTUS
    Participant

    I read through a bit more than half the thread, getting the important points on women learning gemara. It goes back and forth and there are arguments both ways, can someone post the actual text of the Shulchan Aruch or Rav Moshe’s Tshuvah in the original hebrew text?

    #1218080

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    There are a lot of opinions on the topic, and it also depends on many factors. The biggest problem is when people either assume that it is completely assur and any female who learns Gemara is committing an aveira or when people think it is completely mutar and don’t realize that there are many qualifications (what she’s learning, why she’s learning, where she’s learning, who’s teaching her, who she is, etc.)

    #1218081

    FuturePOTUS
    Participant

    I’m not interested in opinions, as much as I am in the actual halacha. I’ve debated through it many times, and haven’t really gotten anywhere on it, because no one I was speaking to knew the hard text any more than I did.

    #1218082

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant
    #1218083

    Joseph
    Participant

    Some poskim (especially Hungarian) hold girls cannot even be taught Rashi in school since that is Torah shebal peh.

    #1218084

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Joseph – I think that Satmar hold that girls can’t even learn Chumash inside.

    I don’t think that I have ever heard of anyone who says that girls can learn Chumash but not Rashi. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.

    #1218085

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Joseph: “Good points, Winnie. If someone actually knew a topic better than the CEO, would he dare try to overrule the CEO on that topic?”

    Joseph: Let’s say you mistakenly told your wife to do something that was against halacha and she knew the halacha? What would you prefer that she do in that situation?

    Also, if you knew beforehand that she knows the halacha better than you do, would you ask her?

    #1218086

    Joseph
    Participant

    She could tell me so I could confirm.

    Satmar girls in Beis Rochel learn Chumash inside but not Rashi.

    #1218087

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Which Beis Rochel?

    #1218088

    Joseph
    Participant

    All Satmar Beis Rochels worldwide, per the Satmar Rebbe’s psak.

    #1218089

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I didn’t know Beis Rochel was a Satmar school – that’s why I asked.

    That’s interesting because I had heard that they don’t learn Chumash inside, but maybe my information was incorrect.

    #1218090

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “She could tell me so I could confirm”

    So if I understand you correctly, it’s okay if she says something as long as she does so respectfully. I had understood WTP’s post differently, but probably that is what she meant as well.

    Thank you.

    #1218091

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    I wasn’t talking about a situation where the husband made a mistake in halacha. In that case, I would suggest that she asks him, are you sure, do you mind looking it up or asking a rav rather than outright telling him he is wrong and that she knows better.

    #1218092

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I know someone who teaches Hil. Shabbos her husband asks her questions in Hil Shabbos. I know s/o else who had already learned certain topics in halacha that her husband hadn’t learned yet (he was going to get semicha but hadn’t yet), so when they first got married (until he got semicha), he asked her.

    If halacha (or certain areas in halacha) is the wife’s “tchum” & her husband’s is something else, I wouldn’t think that he should have a problem asking him her questions since he knows that’s her area. Just like if she’s a doctor, he shouldn’t mind asking her his medical questions.

    But these things are very individual & depend on the individuals As a single girl, I have spent time in many people’s houses, & I see that there are all dif. types of people & ways of doing things.

    The imp. thing is for the wife to make sure she is aware of HER husband’s needs & to act accordingly, even if it’s not what she expected.

    #1218093

    rebshidduch
    Participant

    In my case a chevrusa.

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