November 16, 2015 5:38 pm at 5:38 pm #616663
I was just wondering is it a mitzvah to get married, for a guy? What about for a girl? If you don’t get married is it like not living in E”Y or not putting on tzitis or is it worse than that? Is the mitzvah to have children or to get married is a mitzvah in itself? I’d really like for someone just to explain to me the gedarim of the mitzvah.November 16, 2015 6:33 pm at 6:33 pm #1112660
Pru U’rvu.November 16, 2015 6:40 pm at 6:40 pm #1112661
I believe it’s a machlokes rishonim (Rambam and Ramban maybe?) whether kiddushin is a mitzvah or just a hechsher mitzvah for p’ru urvuNovember 16, 2015 6:44 pm at 6:44 pm #1112662
You questions require a long conversation. Are you still in Yeshiva? It is much better to speak about it with your family Rav. If you are embarrassed try your Rosh Yeshiva, Maggid Shiur, Shoel Umeishiv. Don’t think about what info they will give about you for something you are not sure you even want. or at least not at this point.
Everybody here is ready to give their input , but that is NOT what you should base your decision on.
The big question is what would you do if not. Would you be learning? You have the answer in Brachos hatorah – the last words of Ailu D’varim “?????? ???? ???? ????” .November 16, 2015 8:53 pm at 8:53 pm #1112663
“?????? ???? ???? ????” doesn’t mean it’s OK to not get married as long as you’re learningNovember 16, 2015 10:17 pm at 10:17 pm #1112664☕️coffee addictParticipant
The Gemara says someone who doesn’t get married by 20 his bones should explodeNovember 16, 2015 10:41 pm at 10:41 pm #1112665njs3215Member
It’s a matchlocks between the rambam in the beginning of hitchos eishus and the rosh in kesubos 1:12.
The rambam holds it’s a mitzvah and the rosh holds it isn’t. Mistama
That is for a man
It could be that even the rambam holds that it’s hechsher mitzvah for pru urvu because the rambam hold lishitaso that one can’t have children with a concubine. So marriage is the only way to do pru urvuNovember 17, 2015 12:31 am at 12:31 am #1112666
njs: Where does the Rambam say that you can’t have children with a Pilegesh? He holds that only a Melech can have a Pilegesh, but where did you get what you said from?November 17, 2015 1:38 am at 1:38 am #1112667pcozMember
Being married is a different level of existence than being a bachur.November 17, 2015 3:55 am at 3:55 am #1112668zogt_besserParticipant
Sam- it is mutar to have children with a pilegesh, but it’s unlikely that any woman would agree to that arrangement. having kids without a kesubah is just stupid.November 17, 2015 4:02 am at 4:02 am #1112669
So why did Hashem offer that option?November 17, 2015 4:42 am at 4:42 am #1112670HOME ALONEMember
Why wouldn’t someone want to get married?November 17, 2015 5:14 am at 5:14 am #1112671
Cause they’re nuts.November 17, 2015 5:49 am at 5:49 am #1112672njs3215Member
Sam- the rambam holds that a pilegesh is assur for everybody except a king. So as far as pru urvu is concerned, the only way according to the rambam is to marry. That is except for a king, which we don’t have now.November 17, 2015 6:08 am at 6:08 am #1112673
Joseph: According to the Rambam, probably because it’s worth it to be a partial wife of the king.
According to other Rishonim, I have no idea. Maybe for some people it’s an acceptable scenario. So they have the option, even though almost no one would ever want to.November 17, 2015 3:37 pm at 3:37 pm #1112674thethinkingjewParticipant
“The Gemara says someone who doesn’t get married by 20 his bones should explode”
coffeaddict is that why chassidim get married at 16?? 😉
no one is holding a gun to your head if you dont want to get married. However it is a normal thing to want to so maybe get your head examined..otherwise one day when your old and lonely and all your friends are dead or too busy for you, you will regret not getting married..November 17, 2015 5:02 pm at 5:02 pm #1112675sonMember
Cause they’re nuts.
Yeah, because starting to spend every day of your life with the type of person who is by nature effectively your complete opposite and comes from a completely unknown background, family, city, community etc. makes perfect “logical” sense.
I’m all for marriage, and would say such a person is wrong in approach generally speaking.
But to call a person nuts? No, that person is probably using their seichel just fine. 🙂November 18, 2015 4:26 am at 4:26 am #1112676
Not in yeshiva for a long time now. It just seems to me that most of my friends who are married aren’t so happy and have a lot of pressures and responsibilities. Also kids are really expensive and often grow up to disappoint their parents. Even the best children have some friction with their parents. So on the one hand I have a desire to fulfill all the mitzvos that I have to but on the other hand don’t want to marry and have a family if it’s not a chiyuv.November 18, 2015 5:03 am at 5:03 am #1112677☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
It just seems to me that most of my friends who are married aren’t so happy and have a lot of pressures and responsibilities.
Are you assuming that they’re not happy because you see the pressures and responsibilities?November 18, 2015 3:02 pm at 3:02 pm #1112678
Ask your friends if they are happy, and if they should think you should get married. I find it hard to believe that most of your married friends are so unhappy that they regret getting married.November 18, 2015 7:40 pm at 7:40 pm #1112679
I don’t think then I would get a true answer. It’s kind of like when you sign an apartment lease for a year you must convince yourself you like it even if you don’t because you’re stuck there. I know the freedom I have to do anything within the boundaries of halacha of course and to go anywhere its something my friends envy. I’ve decided for myself that it’s not worth it unless of course it is required of me in which case it is like davening three times a day or many of the other activities that I do because I have to. That is why I asked for the gedarim of the mitzvahNovember 18, 2015 7:49 pm at 7:49 pm #1112680
YB: Stay in Yeshiva. First learn the halachos how to treat a wife, How to respect your in-laws, your parents ( ???? ?? ???). Then decide if you are ready for it. You do not have to take your parent’s opinion into consideration (let alone anybody else)When making that decision.
??? ???? was over 40.
DY and MENO: The divorce rate is so high which speaks for itself. He obviously has reason for his opinion.November 18, 2015 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #1112681
I still don’t see how you can get around the p’ru urvu issue. I think everyone agrees it’s a chiyuv for men.
I’m not saying you have to get married right now, but by deciding never to get married you are effectively being m’vatel an aseh.November 18, 2015 8:16 pm at 8:16 pm #1112682
555: And if he feels he’s never ready for marriage (for the reasons you gave or others), then he should never get married?
Why do you assume divorce is worse than never marrying?November 18, 2015 8:25 pm at 8:25 pm #1112683
Meno: I guess he meant What’s the rush.November 18, 2015 8:57 pm at 8:57 pm #1112684
So that brings another question can you be mevatel an aseh if it would cause a lo taseh. For example should you put on tefilin if you constantly have impure thoughts?November 18, 2015 10:45 pm at 10:45 pm #1112685oomisParticipant
Yes. Hashem tells us in Breishis that man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife. The mitzvah of pru urvu is encompassed in that.November 18, 2015 11:19 pm at 11:19 pm #1112686golferParticipant
Marriage and having a spouse and children are all about giving and giving and putting their needs and wants ahead of your own. Which can, by the way, bring a lot of happiness into your life. If you’re thinking that your top priority / enjoyment is the freedom to do anything (within the boundaries of Halacha) and go anywhere (the same as above, presumably), then you might not be ready for a wife and kids just yet.November 18, 2015 11:33 pm at 11:33 pm #1112687
YB: YES. A Lo Sa’ase is aways Doche an Asse.
For example, Shabbos, If one has to work on Shabbos for food for that day(otherwise he is fasting) it is assur to work. Because working is Lo Saase and Fasting is the absence of eating which is Asseh.
About your impure thoughts you might want to be more careful on what you look at. You obviously have access to the internet – What are you seeing?
Also practice during the day to get rid of those thoughts. If you let it harbor when you are not Davening you have no control when you are.November 19, 2015 12:48 am at 12:48 am #1112690moi aussiMember
A man can fight his yetser hora better by getting married, so what’s your question?
editedNovember 19, 2015 12:54 am at 12:54 am #1112691
555: That is completely wrong. Wow. I don’t even know where to begin.
Have you never heard of the concept of Aseh Docheh Lo Sa’aseh? It’s kinda an important rule in lots of things that we do. You should look at the beginning of Yevamos.
Also, fasting on Shabbos isn’t a Bittul Asei. Oneg is only D’rabannan. So it’s a Bittul Asei D’rabannan.November 19, 2015 2:03 am at 2:03 am #1112692apushatayidParticipant
Why would you want to be mivatel an asahNovember 19, 2015 2:47 am at 2:47 am #1112693
moi: That was not the question that was a side point.November 19, 2015 8:04 am at 8:04 am #1112694
To clarify, I don’t have an issue with that. It was just an example. The same thing, you shouldn’t go to daven with a minyan if it means having to swim across a river with crocodiles to get there. But on the other hand, it is better to swim across a river with crocodiles then to worship idols.November 19, 2015 1:43 pm at 1:43 pm #1112695
I still don’t see how you get around the p’ru urvu issue. Everyone agrees that’s a chiyuv, which requires getting married first. From what you’ve said so far, it seems to me that your only reasons for not getting married are that marriage is difficult, inconvenient, possibly won’t turn out the way you expect, etc.. I don’t think these are legitimate reasons to be m’vatel an aseh.
Obviously you need to wait until you’re ready, and it’s nobody’s place to rush you into it, but I don’t see how you can decide to never get married.November 19, 2015 2:18 pm at 2:18 pm #1112696apushatayidParticipant
If you must cross a crocodile infested river to get to shul you are living in the wrong city.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.