February 8, 2011 8:03 pm at 8:03 pm #594876
Let me start by saying a Frum lifestyle is very satisfying for many many reasons BUT,
Is it harder for Frum adults to form new relationships and make new close friends (same sex friends of course) in their adult life?
I think that if you look at the Frum community, most people’s friends are their school friends from years ago, and Shul and bungalow colony friends with a sprinkling of work friends.
I think the more modern people are, the more open they are to close friendships with people not exactly like themselves that they meet in a variety of places (theres no what will people think factor).
Do non-Jews and less Frum adult Jews make more close friends throught their lives (making that aspect of their lives more satisfying and interesting)?February 8, 2011 8:16 pm at 8:16 pm #737899real-briskerMember
This is our lifstyle. Do you feel less satisfied because you can not do A LOT of things that non-jews can do? The answer is obviously NO, because it doesnt even cross your mind. The same applies here.February 8, 2011 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #737900☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Not that I can see. There are ways to meet and form relationships for frum people which are not available to non frum people e.g. shiurim, shul, (just not during davening!), chessed projects.
Hatzlocha!February 8, 2011 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #737901SacrilegeMember
“I think the more modern people are, the more open they are to close friendships with people not exactly like themselves that they meet in a variety of places (theres no what will people think factor).”
If you are the type of person who cant befriend someone who isnt exactly the “same” as you that is your loss, that isnt a religious problem or an Ultra-Orthodox problem, its a personal one.
Yes, the Mishna says stay away from bad neighbors and friends, but someone who is of a different Hashkafic Derech isnt bad, you must realize that differentiation.February 8, 2011 8:31 pm at 8:31 pm #737902
I think being frum allows for MORE AND BETTER same-gender relationships.I personally feel enriched by everyone I get to know.Frumkeit encourages Ahavas Habriyos.February 8, 2011 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #737903
Let me clarify why I asked.
I might want to move from one heavily frum Brooklyn neighborhood to another heavily frum Brooklyn neighborhood.
All my friends are telling me that whoever moved to a neighborhood where they didnt have any close friends, badly regretted it. They tell me that when you’re young, you make friends with parents of the children your children play with and go to school with. This doesnt apply to middle aged people. They say most everyone is stuck to their old friends and just doesnt care to form new friendships in their adult lives, especially “In Town”. It would be a huge exception if it happened.
It got me thinking and based on my observation, they are right.February 8, 2011 8:49 pm at 8:49 pm #737904SacrilegeMember
I dont find that to be true at all.
I grew up/ and am currently living “in town”, I am also of the last in my grade to get married and most of my High School friends moved out of New York, I rarely keep in touch w any of them.
My “new” and close friends are my co-workers/school friends (other than H.S.)/people that you meet as you are going through life. Many of my new friends arent even my age, but thats what happens when you leave school.February 8, 2011 8:51 pm at 8:51 pm #737905
That’s why I’m scared to move out of Flatbush…which is pretty chilled.February 8, 2011 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm #737906mytakeMember
I think this depends on personality. You can find people in any crowd who are always making new friends, and those who more or less stick to the same couple of friends.
I don’t think this has anything to do with the frum lifestyle.February 8, 2011 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm #737907
sac, young and 40’s/50’s/60’s is very different.February 8, 2011 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #737908showerzingerMember
real brisker is REALLY starting to get on mine,and i’m sure other peoples, nerves. His warped view of world,hashkafa, and the world in general is blatant in most of comments. This can stem from two things: Either he A. actually thinks that in which case a dose of reality would be nice OR B. he doesn’t believe a word of what he’s saying and just likes causing machlokes and getting under peoples skin. NEITHER are befitting of a Ben Torah of the caliber he claims he is. BTW NOTHING ASSUR ABOUT HAVING SAME-GENDER FRIENDS, IF anything should be EASIER with Frum Jews b/c the lack of interaction with the other gender!
ANYWAY to get back to the question…The reality is that by and large most people develop their social circle while they are less established and have less things going on their lives. This makes complete sense b/c TIME is a necessary component in any relationship, and as your commitments to a spouse,job,children etc. grow their is less time for socializing. That DOESN’T mean you can’t make friends later in life, but it will be harder b/c everyone already has commitments.February 8, 2011 9:00 pm at 9:00 pm #737909World SaverParticipant
I think this question touches upon some deep points. Many times “frumkeit” is used as a subconsious excuse to lack in basic Derech Eretz and social develpoment. The Satmar Rebbe said that “Kol machlokes Shei Leshem shomayim sofa lehiskayem” can be interpreted to mean that once each side thinks they are “Leshem Shamayim” there is no hope of ever having peace. If they would admit that it is bad middos, etc. there may be hope of getting to shalom because you know something is lacking. But if you think you are “fighting G-d’s fight”, you will never change because you think you are doing the greatest mitzvah! If not for some misconceptions about yidishkeit/frumkeit, people would be more aware of what is lacking in basing things like midos and friendships.February 8, 2011 9:02 pm at 9:02 pm #737910always hereParticipant
ofcourse~ I get what you’re saying.
I also think it’s much easier to befriend peeps when the children are involved.
but as an ‘older’ person, new friends can be made in shul, & in shiurim, for both husband & wife. (once again, I don’t know your gender.) of course, @ first, they’ll just be acquaintances… but with time, real friendships can be made.
take into consideration all the good reasons you have for moving from one neighborhood to the other! 🙂February 8, 2011 9:03 pm at 9:03 pm #737911
mytake, maybe not frum lifestyle in general, more in-town or Brooklyn frum mindset.February 8, 2011 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm #737912
Of course,in most cities/towns,it’s as Sac said –more about your personal befriending style.
But in certain parts of New York,it is possible to stand out in a way that’s uncomfortable.I don’t mind shopping in Boro Park and being asked if I’m from Crown Heights(maybe bec.my sheitel was being done and I wore a snood?),but on a regular basis ,I’d mind being conspicuous.February 8, 2011 10:01 pm at 10:01 pm #737913ShrekMember
neighborhoods can have different “personalities” from street to street. I used to live on a block where people basically minded their own business. The neighbors were not exactly cold, but were not particularly warm, either. Which was OK, because I didn’t know what I was missing out on.
Then I moved just a few blocks away, and my new block is amazing! The people are friendly, involved in each other lives, organizing shiurim and tehillim groups in their homes, etc. My neighbors are some of my closest friends today.February 9, 2011 12:23 am at 12:23 am #737914rtParticipant
I have lived “out of town” & “in town” meeting & having good friends in both venues. could it be that that’s the concept of veahavta lrayacha kamocha?February 9, 2011 12:43 am at 12:43 am #737915
Shrek, yup, thats what I hear. There are exceptionally warm blocks here and there, but exceptionally snobby blocks as well.February 9, 2011 12:47 am at 12:47 am #737916haifagirlParticipant
I can’t say what things are like out-of-town (and by the way, I define “out-of-town” as not Eretz Yisroel), but I moved to Haifa not knowing a soul, and I’ve made some very close friends in a very short time.
The people at the first shul I tried were very friendly and one of them invited me to a Tehillim group where I met some other people, one of whom invited me to a couple different shiurim where I met more people. And I’ve since met other people at other shuls.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.