Is there a way to tell if a girl will be a competent wife and mother
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- This topic has 58 replies, 32 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 8 months ago by commonsense.
September 12, 2012 9:27 pm at 9:27 pm #604875
How can one tell or find out if a girl will be the type of woman who can juggle things like working and taking care of the kids and make supper…? There are some girls who just have it together and others who have much less capable organized and efficient. How do I find out if a girl is the kind of girl who can take on a lot and handle it?September 12, 2012 10:25 pm at 10:25 pm #896740sheinMember
Marry a Bas Talmid Chochom with good middos and Chazal advise us all will be well.September 12, 2012 10:27 pm at 10:27 pm #896741MorahRachMember
See if she is a motivated person , does she have a steady job or does she live off of her parents. Watch her interact with her cousins, nieces, nephews. I don’t think there are specific clues to look for, but chances are getting married is not going to change her into a completely different person, so the answers are probably right infront of you! I have/had friends in high school and college who when around babies would say ” eww he pooped don’t bring him near me!”, even then in my head I would think ” yikes what kind of mother will they be?”.September 12, 2012 10:40 pm at 10:40 pm #896742CuriosityParticipant
Your statement makes sense MorahRach, but that example isn’t fair. It’s different when it’s your own flesh and blood.September 12, 2012 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #896743
Find out What was she like as a camp counselor? Was she ever one at all? Has she ever organized an event? What was it like to work with her? Was she flustered? Never ask a girl is she organised? She will aotomatically respond in the afirmative. Ask how organised is she? The way you ask your questions will be the way you get your answers. The opposite applies when asking a guy is he a good learner? He will respond toward the negative more than the positive. This is because just like reverse physchology works with males. It works in the opp way with females. Find out How clean and organized was she in her seminary/college dorm?
How does she manage under pressure? Ask references to give you examples.
You might not find out if she knows HOW to cook and bake. That you can ask on the dates. However these questions will help indicate if she is capable of what you are looking for.September 13, 2012 1:05 am at 1:05 am #896744
How does she dress? Does she care if her hair is frizzy,
Is it pony tailed everyday or does she do Sth with it?
Does she have a sense of fashion? Does she help out at Shabbos tables when invited over as a guest? How does she stack the plate- don’t get mad at me for that)-lol;)
Since how she stacks the plates indicates a lot of things. Is she pleasant and calm to be with? What does she complain about? What does she enjoy doing? What are her hobbies?-indicates a lot about a person! Does she enjoy reading and ‘chilling’=Is she a bum. Or does she enjoy doing energizing things…
Does she drive! Does she have her own car or she relies on her parents.
How punctual is she? How does she spend her free time?September 13, 2012 1:06 am at 1:06 am #896745
Does she do chessed?September 13, 2012 2:01 am at 2:01 am #896746sarah sobelMember
All will depend on what kind of a husband he will be.
IF she will be appreciated she will aim to please her husband
who cares what she did as a girl..September 13, 2012 2:24 am at 2:24 am #896747
Does she enjoy reading and ‘chilling’=Is she a bum.September 13, 2012 2:30 am at 2:30 am #896748TheGoqParticipant
Drop your baby brother and a puppy in the river and see which one she tries to save.September 13, 2012 2:36 am at 2:36 am #896749
“Does she enjoy reading and ‘chilling’=Is she a bum.
Lol, OOM! I second that =DSeptember 13, 2012 2:45 am at 2:45 am #896750MiddlePathParticipant
Regardless of how one finds out this information, it would first be crucial to determine WHY one is seeking it: Is it for reasons of maturity, knowing that a capable wife may enrich their marriage and will inspire oneself to grow in his own dedication to provide a caring, healthy environment at home, or is it based in laziness and selfishness, in which case one is merely seeking a wife that will essentially “take care” of everything, thereby making his OWN life easier? Once that is determined, one’s focus may greatly change, which can make this dilemma easier to solve.September 13, 2012 3:07 am at 3:07 am #896751
“Does she enjoy reading and ‘chilling’=Is she a bum.
Lol, OOM! I second that =D
POSTED 22 MINUTES AGO #
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with reading/chilling.
But if that’s one of the first things she answers when you ask what do u enjoy doing in your free time. MIGHT indicate that there is a motivation problem there.
She may not have many talents or like I said she may be lazy.September 13, 2012 3:11 am at 3:11 am #896752Abba bar AristotleParticipant
Buy yourself a 10-Cow WifeSeptember 13, 2012 3:19 am at 3:19 am #896753
Goq: NOOOO! Not the puppy! D:
QB: Oy, I guess we will both have to marry bums… Do “reading” and “chilling” make a guy a bum too, I wonder…
Oh, I forgot:
Is it pony tailed everyday or does she do Sth with it?
I wear my hair back almost everyday and have never (to my knowledge), done “Sth” with it. I must be super-bum, then. :S
lol I actually don’t conform to most of more’s list…I must be quite hopeless…September 13, 2012 3:27 am at 3:27 am #896754mytakeMember
Just like when you research other characteristics and middos, the only ones who really know are her family and very close friends. You need lots of siyatta dishmaya to reach the right people and get honest and accurate info. Observing her will generally tell you very little. Hatzlacha.September 13, 2012 3:29 am at 3:29 am #896755
Very informative answers. Thanks!September 13, 2012 3:33 am at 3:33 am #896756mommamia22Participant
If she is living at home, it might be helpful to find out what responsibilities she takes care of herself. Does she do her own laundry or let her mom do it? Does she make dinner sometimes and if so, how often? Does she take care of all the components of preparation of a meal from the planning to the shopping for ingredients to the preparation?
What are her household responsibilities that she is expected to take care of in the house?
You might also want to ask about how responsibilities were split between her parents at home. That might give you a birds eye view into what her expectations will be (of herself and of you).
Listen to how she talks about her responsibilities in school or at work and how she’s coping.
Is she used to having a lot going on (guests, multiple interests, chassadim, etc, or is her life fairly one dimensional to afford her greater control and a sense of calm?
Does she have an easygoing personality along with taking care of her responsibilities or does it stress her out when things don’t go her way (job related disappointments, factors out of her control)?September 13, 2012 3:35 am at 3:35 am #896757interjectionParticipant
You can usually feel these things out. Just because someone was responsible at some past point in their life doesn’t mean it’s inherently part of their nature, and vice versa. You can usually tell how geshikt someone is by spending time with them.September 13, 2012 9:09 am at 9:09 am #896758NaftushMember
WIY, one way NOT to find the right person is to view people (and investigate them) as “types,” “kinds,” and so on. We marry people, not species, and a dismaying number of us don’t discover this until after the chuppa. And while you look for the “type” who will “juggle things like working and taking care of the kids and make supper,” it might behoove you to become the “type” who will do some of those things, too.September 13, 2012 10:46 am at 10:46 am #896759avhabenParticipant
A good girl is hard to come by, these days.September 13, 2012 1:16 pm at 1:16 pm #896760thehockMember
IMHO, there is no way to tell. There are girls I knew who seemed what you would call competent. One of these is today quite helpless and codependent, another is extremely competent in the technical sense but also extremely emotionally abusive. These are just examples. And some girls who are totally not involved as teenagers get motivated when it’s their own family.
I have heard saying from a gadol of the previous generation that a girl’s Kibud Av Va’eim and tzniyus are her markers for bein adam lachaveiro and bein adam laMakom, respectively. I would only caution that you need to trust that the person that is giving you the information about those traits actually knows what they’re talking about.
Daven, daven, daven. Hatzlacha!September 13, 2012 1:20 pm at 1:20 pm #896761
Just because a girl has interests and hobbies that do not interest you, that does not mean she’s a boring person, it just means she is not for you. Other guys would love that about her. If I met a guy who loves to read and write, and I’m talking real fiction, I would LOVE that. Most guys don’t have those interests and lots of girls might find it boring if they did, but I dont. It makes the guy unique and special, and I’d take that over someone who is like everyone else.
OOM, I think I’m more hopeless than you lol.
I think it’s hard to come by a good guy these days.September 13, 2012 1:53 pm at 1:53 pm #896762MammeleParticipant
Are you looking for a girl or a malach?September 13, 2012 2:02 pm at 2:02 pm #896763yehudayonaParticipant
Am I alone, or is there anyone else here who finds the OP’s question offensive? Why not ask “is there a way to tell if a guy will be a competent husband and father?” It’s a two-way street. BTW, I highly recommend the video “Fish Love” on the Aish website.September 13, 2012 2:46 pm at 2:46 pm #896764
How does one go about getting all this info. You think I should just ask her all of this stuff?September 13, 2012 2:47 pm at 2:47 pm #896765
How can you tell if a girl is Geshikt by talking to her in a hotel lounge for a few hours? Or in a restaurant or whatever?September 13, 2012 2:54 pm at 2:54 pm #896766
I know of girls that are do it alls and girls that can hardly handle working let alone everything else. I feel that I am most compatible with a more tichtig capable type of girl. That doesnt mean I dont want to ever lift a finger chas veshalom. Ill take out the garbage once or twice a month.
Kidding lol I am helpful and would pitch in with whatever is necessary as often as necessary but I want her to be the mommy and take care of the kids, make supper and make sure the house looks decent. Not that she constantly needs me there and cant manage on her own.
Listen there are all types of girls and I understand that some guys are satisfied with a simple girl who will just be home all day watching the kids. I need someone more dynamic and a “doer.”September 13, 2012 5:11 pm at 5:11 pm #896767
more_2: It is my number one leisure activity. Followed by blabbering and blogging senselessly about what I read…followed by video gaming, probably.
Seriously though, I like mommamia’s list. Except the last one will probably be hard to find out by stam asking.September 13, 2012 6:11 pm at 6:11 pm #896768
yehudayona, I found this thread highly offensive, as well, even wrote a post stating so. But I decided last minute to edit it out. I figured this will be just another “in through one ear out the other” post that seem to be so famous here in the CR.
I would say more, but not worth it. Just, good luck to all you guys in finding your “perfect wife.”September 13, 2012 6:21 pm at 6:21 pm #896769uneeqMember
My brother brought his date (right before getting engaged) a bag of flour and told her to bake him something.September 13, 2012 8:25 pm at 8:25 pm #896770Shopping613 🌠Participant
I third that!
Chas vashalom a girl these days sits down with a book…..look what the world is coming to!
?ns ?o suo?????do ?o p??? pu? ‘??p???? ‘??puno? ???
The Founder, Awarder, and Head of Operations of SUCSeptember 13, 2012 8:27 pm at 8:27 pm #896771
You are joking right?September 13, 2012 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #896772neworthodoxobserverMember
This question cuts right to the heart of one of the major difficulties of the shidduch system – the lack of time given to a young man and woman to know each other, have seen each other in a variety of life circumstances from which each can glean how the other would be as a husband/father or wife/mother.
For my part, I took the following approach – when my wife and I were dating (after only ~ 1 month), the first family members we met were my young cousins – ages 10 and 5 – we took them out for a WHOLE DAY – pizza, bowling, park, etc. – and they were as wonderful and rambunctious as any other kids those ages…
By the end of the day, I had a pretty clear idea of how my future wife would interact with children as we dealt with spilled drinks, scraped knees and disappointing results at the bowling alley – she handled all with aplomb!!
However, if the expectation is 3-7 dates and then meet parents and get engaged with limited time together during said engagement, how on earth could one have such experiences?!?!September 13, 2012 9:06 pm at 9:06 pm #896773MorahRachMember
WIY, you want a doer, not someone who just sits around all day and watches the kids. That is extremely offensive. I worked full time for 3 years, full time teacher and taught Jewish history to public school kids at night. Now I have a baby bH, and I’m staying home. Never do I find myself sitting around. I clean up I feed the baby , I change him ,I take him out, I do the dishes, I prepare dinner, I read to my child, I play with him, I fold laundry etc. what more can a husband want. Most mothers who are stay at homes are not sitting around. They are all doers.September 13, 2012 9:47 pm at 9:47 pm #896774uneeqMember
WIY: Not joking. He broke off a different shidduch (a day away from getting engaged) for the specific reason that the girl was basically incompetent and lazy. So the next time he thought of getting engaged, he wanted to show that it means something to him, being competent, and loving to cook or bake for her husband. He may have done it in jest, though he still made his view clear. In my family, a competent homemaker is considered one of the highest rated qualities.September 13, 2012 10:22 pm at 10:22 pm #896775
Uneeq I should hope that’s an outright lieSeptember 13, 2012 10:59 pm at 10:59 pm #896776apushatayidParticipant
There is always the urim vitumim.September 13, 2012 11:18 pm at 11:18 pm #896777rcParticipant
it doesnt matter if she can cook. she can learn to cook. It matters what kind of middos she has. YOu should be able to tell if she has it together by what she has done in life, If she was head counslor , head of production, spearheaded chessed project, these are key indicatiors that she has it together. ALos, really important is to look at the parents and older sibs. what are they like and then ask who she is similar to.September 13, 2012 11:40 pm at 11:40 pm #896779interjectionParticipant
“My brother brought his date (right before getting engaged) a bag of flour and told her to bake him something.”
He’s a jerk. Or he’s funny. I’m deciding…
WIY: Unless she’s unstable, which you can tell from even one meeting, she will keep as control as the house as she feels you deserve. It’s basic human psychology that if a woman feels loved she will give everything in return but if she feels unappreciated she will resent you and lose interest in keeping things nice.September 14, 2012 12:27 am at 12:27 am #896780smartcookieMember
WIY, from a woman’s point of view, I can understand what you want, I don’t think you’re asking for something too extreme.
However, I do not believe you can NOT see this about a girl while dating. Even if you date for months.
I can’t see it wrong to ask the girl outright, in a respectful way if she’s this way or the other.
Tell her it’s one of your important requirements. You’re not being shallow here. It’s quite important.
If she’s the way you want, she’ll let you know, otherwise, she’ll fly for her life. No lazy girl wants a husband who wants her to be not lazy.September 14, 2012 1:42 am at 1:42 am #896781mytakeMember
“I am helpful and would pitch in with whatever is necessary as often as necessary but I want her to be the mommy and take care of the kids, make supper and make sure the house looks decent.”
FYI: Even the most capable woman who juggles work, housekeeping and raising her kids, will find that her husband’s help is necessary most (if not all) days. Being a mother is physically and emotionally draining, so be prepared for that reality.
“I understand that some guys are satisfied with a simple girl who will just be home all day watching the kids. I need someone more dynamic and a “doer.”
Okay, I’m not even married yet and I find that offensive. There is nothing “simple” about raising children to become the kind of adults that will make Hashem proud. She won’t just be watching the kids. She’ll be raising them.
I get that it’s not easy being married to someone who gets ovewhelmed easily and who has difficulties juggling responsibilies. But even supermom wants to be appreciated for her hard work. Being a capable person, doesn’t mean that you don’t find the work as hard as the next person. Just that you handle it better. Hopefully you will find that capable girl, but she deserves the support and appreciation no matter how well she handles things. And all the more so if she holds down a job too.September 14, 2012 2:08 am at 2:08 am #896782
I apologize I didnt mean to offend. I meant that I want someone who is motivated and has a lot of energy and is a multi tasker and can handle many things without becoming all stressed out. Not all girls are like that.September 14, 2012 2:11 am at 2:11 am #896783
Last time I checked we dont have it anymore….September 14, 2012 2:12 am at 2:12 am #896784sheinMember
I like uneeq’s brother’s approach. Thanks for sharing. I believe we should all emulate that.September 14, 2012 2:25 am at 2:25 am #896785mommamia22Participant
Competency can make life more comfortable, but not necessarily overall happier. Good middos is what truly makes a person happy.
Imagine a house that isn’t so up to snuff, but with a wife who truly makes you feel cherished and appreciated, who listens with her full ears and heart when you discuss things of concern to you and who truly wants and cares enough to do something about it.
Now imagine a wife (or husband) who’s got their act together, because that’s part of who they are, but when it comes to your values and concerns, if it conflicts with theirs, you can talk till you’re blue in the face.
I think a flexible and responsible person (someone who does what needs to be done) is important (second to kindness).
A person who follows through with commitments, whether it be to school, work, family, friends, etc, those are typically the people who will follow through on the things that come their way.
Regarding my post above, the most you can do is ask generalized questions on a date, and hope some of this info will be revealed.
I Also completely agree with the above poster who said that the way you treat your wife will impact greatly on the efforts she makes for you.September 14, 2012 2:27 am at 2:27 am #896786yaakov doeParticipant
Yes there is. Marry her, father children and then you can see.September 14, 2012 3:19 am at 3:19 am #896787
Im talking about the abilities that the girl should have in her personality. A man can love his wife and treat her great but if she isnt naturally an organized person it will take her all day to get the house organized as opposed to someone who has a knack for organization who can do it in a fraction of the time.September 14, 2012 4:04 am at 4:04 am #896788moreMember
yaakov doe I don’t agree with that. As much as you are right that you don’t know a person until you marry them. It is much better to do your hishtadlut before marriage rather then jump ship and hope for the best.
And btw FYI: I know who you are.September 14, 2012 6:15 am at 6:15 am #896789☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Why not ask “is there a way to tell if a guy will be a competent husband and father?”
That’s a fair question. You would expect a girl to ask it. The OP is a guy, though, so he asked about a girl.
A good girl is hard to come by, these days.
True, but it’s much harder to find a good guy.
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