Is there a way to tell if a girl will be a competent wife and mother

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  • #604875

    WIY
    Member

    How can one tell or find out if a girl will be the type of woman who can juggle things like working and taking care of the kids and make supper…? There are some girls who just have it together and others who have much less capable organized and efficient. How do I find out if a girl is the kind of girl who can take on a lot and handle it?

    #896740

    shein
    Member

    Marry a Bas Talmid Chochom with good middos and Chazal advise us all will be well.

    #896741

    MorahRach
    Member

    See if she is a motivated person , does she have a steady job or does she live off of her parents. Watch her interact with her cousins, nieces, nephews. I don’t think there are specific clues to look for, but chances are getting married is not going to change her into a completely different person, so the answers are probably right infront of you! I have/had friends in high school and college who when around babies would say ” eww he pooped don’t bring him near me!”, even then in my head I would think ” yikes what kind of mother will they be?”.

    #896742

    Curiosity
    Participant

    Your statement makes sense MorahRach, but that example isn’t fair. It’s different when it’s your own flesh and blood.

    #896743

    more_2
    Member

    Find out What was she like as a camp counselor? Was she ever one at all? Has she ever organized an event? What was it like to work with her? Was she flustered? Never ask a girl is she organised? She will aotomatically respond in the afirmative. Ask how organised is she? The way you ask your questions will be the way you get your answers. The opposite applies when asking a guy is he a good learner? He will respond toward the negative more than the positive. This is because just like reverse physchology works with males. It works in the opp way with females. Find out How clean and organized was she in her seminary/college dorm?

    How does she manage under pressure? Ask references to give you examples.

    You might not find out if she knows HOW to cook and bake. That you can ask on the dates. However these questions will help indicate if she is capable of what you are looking for.

    #896744

    more_2
    Member

    How does she dress? Does she care if her hair is frizzy,

    Is it pony tailed everyday or does she do Sth with it?

    Does she have a sense of fashion? Does she help out at Shabbos tables when invited over as a guest? How does she stack the plate- don’t get mad at me for that)-lol;)

    Since how she stacks the plates indicates a lot of things. Is she pleasant and calm to be with? What does she complain about? What does she enjoy doing? What are her hobbies?-indicates a lot about a person! Does she enjoy reading and ‘chilling’=Is she a bum. Or does she enjoy doing energizing things…

    Does she drive! Does she have her own car or she relies on her parents.

    How punctual is she? How does she spend her free time?

    #896745

    more_2
    Member

    Does she do chessed?

    #896746

    sarah sobel
    Member

    All will depend on what kind of a husband he will be.

    IF she will be appreciated she will aim to please her husband

    who cares what she did as a girl..

    #896747

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Does she enjoy reading and ‘chilling’=Is she a bum.

    #896748

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Drop your baby brother and a puppy in the river and see which one she tries to save.

    #896749

    Queen Bee
    Member

    “Does she enjoy reading and ‘chilling’=Is she a bum.

    Lol, OOM! I second that =D

    #896750

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    Regardless of how one finds out this information, it would first be crucial to determine WHY one is seeking it: Is it for reasons of maturity, knowing that a capable wife may enrich their marriage and will inspire oneself to grow in his own dedication to provide a caring, healthy environment at home, or is it based in laziness and selfishness, in which case one is merely seeking a wife that will essentially “take care” of everything, thereby making his OWN life easier? Once that is determined, one’s focus may greatly change, which can make this dilemma easier to solve.

    #896751

    more_2
    Member

    Queen Bee

    not blocked

    “Does she enjoy reading and ‘chilling’=Is she a bum.

    Lol, OOM! I second that =D

    POSTED 22 MINUTES AGO #

    I’m not saying there is anything wrong with reading/chilling.

    But if that’s one of the first things she answers when you ask what do u enjoy doing in your free time. MIGHT indicate that there is a motivation problem there.

    She may not have many talents or like I said she may be lazy.

    #896752

    Abba bar Aristotle
    Participant

    Buy yourself a 10-Cow Wife

    #896753

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    Goq: NOOOO! Not the puppy! D:

    QB: Oy, I guess we will both have to marry bums… Do “reading” and “chilling” make a guy a bum too, I wonder…

    Oh, I forgot:

    Is it pony tailed everyday or does she do Sth with it?

    I wear my hair back almost everyday and have never (to my knowledge), done “Sth” with it. I must be super-bum, then. :S

    lol I actually don’t conform to most of more’s list…I must be quite hopeless…

    #896754

    mytake
    Member

    WIY

    Just like when you research other characteristics and middos, the only ones who really know are her family and very close friends. You need lots of siyatta dishmaya to reach the right people and get honest and accurate info. Observing her will generally tell you very little. Hatzlacha.

    #896755

    WIY
    Member

    more_2

    Very informative answers. Thanks!

    #896756

    mommamia22
    Participant

    If she is living at home, it might be helpful to find out what responsibilities she takes care of herself. Does she do her own laundry or let her mom do it? Does she make dinner sometimes and if so, how often? Does she take care of all the components of preparation of a meal from the planning to the shopping for ingredients to the preparation?

    What are her household responsibilities that she is expected to take care of in the house?

    You might also want to ask about how responsibilities were split between her parents at home. That might give you a birds eye view into what her expectations will be (of herself and of you).

    Listen to how she talks about her responsibilities in school or at work and how she’s coping.

    Is she used to having a lot going on (guests, multiple interests, chassadim, etc, or is her life fairly one dimensional to afford her greater control and a sense of calm?

    Does she have an easygoing personality along with taking care of her responsibilities or does it stress her out when things don’t go her way (job related disappointments, factors out of her control)?

    #896757

    interjection
    Participant

    You can usually feel these things out. Just because someone was responsible at some past point in their life doesn’t mean it’s inherently part of their nature, and vice versa. You can usually tell how geshikt someone is by spending time with them.

    #896758

    Naftush
    Member

    WIY, one way NOT to find the right person is to view people (and investigate them) as “types,” “kinds,” and so on. We marry people, not species, and a dismaying number of us don’t discover this until after the chuppa. And while you look for the “type” who will “juggle things like working and taking care of the kids and make supper,” it might behoove you to become the “type” who will do some of those things, too.

    #896759

    avhaben
    Participant

    A good girl is hard to come by, these days.

    #896760

    thehock
    Member

    IMHO, there is no way to tell. There are girls I knew who seemed what you would call competent. One of these is today quite helpless and codependent, another is extremely competent in the technical sense but also extremely emotionally abusive. These are just examples. And some girls who are totally not involved as teenagers get motivated when it’s their own family.

    I have heard saying from a gadol of the previous generation that a girl’s Kibud Av Va’eim and tzniyus are her markers for bein adam lachaveiro and bein adam laMakom, respectively. I would only caution that you need to trust that the person that is giving you the information about those traits actually knows what they’re talking about.

    Daven, daven, daven. Hatzlacha!

    #896761

    Queen Bee
    Member

    Just because a girl has interests and hobbies that do not interest you, that does not mean she’s a boring person, it just means she is not for you. Other guys would love that about her. If I met a guy who loves to read and write, and I’m talking real fiction, I would LOVE that. Most guys don’t have those interests and lots of girls might find it boring if they did, but I dont. It makes the guy unique and special, and I’d take that over someone who is like everyone else.

    OOM, I think I’m more hopeless than you lol.

    I think it’s hard to come by a good guy these days.

    #896762

    Mammele
    Participant

    Are you looking for a girl or a malach?

    #896763

    yehudayona
    Participant

    Am I alone, or is there anyone else here who finds the OP’s question offensive? Why not ask “is there a way to tell if a guy will be a competent husband and father?” It’s a two-way street. BTW, I highly recommend the video “Fish Love” on the Aish website.

    #896764

    WIY
    Member

    Mommamia

    How does one go about getting all this info. You think I should just ask her all of this stuff?

    #896765

    WIY
    Member

    Interjection

    How can you tell if a girl is Geshikt by talking to her in a hotel lounge for a few hours? Or in a restaurant or whatever?

    #896766

    WIY
    Member

    Naftush

    I know of girls that are do it alls and girls that can hardly handle working let alone everything else. I feel that I am most compatible with a more tichtig capable type of girl. That doesnt mean I dont want to ever lift a finger chas veshalom. Ill take out the garbage once or twice a month.

    Kidding lol I am helpful and would pitch in with whatever is necessary as often as necessary but I want her to be the mommy and take care of the kids, make supper and make sure the house looks decent. Not that she constantly needs me there and cant manage on her own.

    Listen there are all types of girls and I understand that some guys are satisfied with a simple girl who will just be home all day watching the kids. I need someone more dynamic and a “doer.”

    #896767

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    more_2: It is my number one leisure activity. Followed by blabbering and blogging senselessly about what I read…followed by video gaming, probably.

    Seriously though, I like mommamia’s list. Except the last one will probably be hard to find out by stam asking.

    #896768

    Queen Bee
    Member

    yehudayona, I found this thread highly offensive, as well, even wrote a post stating so. But I decided last minute to edit it out. I figured this will be just another “in through one ear out the other” post that seem to be so famous here in the CR.

    I would say more, but not worth it. Just, good luck to all you guys in finding your “perfect wife.”

    #896769

    uneeq
    Member

    My brother brought his date (right before getting engaged) a bag of flour and told her to bake him something.

    #896770

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Queen Bee:

    I third that!

    Chas vashalom a girl these days sits down with a book…..look what the world is coming to!

    ?ns ?o suo?????do ?o p??? pu? ‘??p???? ‘??puno? ???

    (319bu?ddo?s) 319[$]

    [$]613 (Shopping613)

    The Founder, Awarder, and Head of Operations of SUC

    #896771

    WIY
    Member

    uneeq

    You are joking right?

    #896772

    This question cuts right to the heart of one of the major difficulties of the shidduch system – the lack of time given to a young man and woman to know each other, have seen each other in a variety of life circumstances from which each can glean how the other would be as a husband/father or wife/mother.

    For my part, I took the following approach – when my wife and I were dating (after only ~ 1 month), the first family members we met were my young cousins – ages 10 and 5 – we took them out for a WHOLE DAY – pizza, bowling, park, etc. – and they were as wonderful and rambunctious as any other kids those ages…

    By the end of the day, I had a pretty clear idea of how my future wife would interact with children as we dealt with spilled drinks, scraped knees and disappointing results at the bowling alley – she handled all with aplomb!!

    However, if the expectation is 3-7 dates and then meet parents and get engaged with limited time together during said engagement, how on earth could one have such experiences?!?!

    #896773

    MorahRach
    Member

    WIY, you want a doer, not someone who just sits around all day and watches the kids. That is extremely offensive. I worked full time for 3 years, full time teacher and taught Jewish history to public school kids at night. Now I have a baby bH, and I’m staying home. Never do I find myself sitting around. I clean up I feed the baby , I change him ,I take him out, I do the dishes, I prepare dinner, I read to my child, I play with him, I fold laundry etc. what more can a husband want. Most mothers who are stay at homes are not sitting around. They are all doers.

    #896774

    uneeq
    Member

    WIY: Not joking. He broke off a different shidduch (a day away from getting engaged) for the specific reason that the girl was basically incompetent and lazy. So the next time he thought of getting engaged, he wanted to show that it means something to him, being competent, and loving to cook or bake for her husband. He may have done it in jest, though he still made his view clear. In my family, a competent homemaker is considered one of the highest rated qualities.

    #896775

    more_2
    Member

    Uneeq I should hope that’s an outright lie

    #896776

    apushatayid
    Participant

    There is always the urim vitumim.

    #896777

    rc
    Participant

    it doesnt matter if she can cook. she can learn to cook. It matters what kind of middos she has. YOu should be able to tell if she has it together by what she has done in life, If she was head counslor , head of production, spearheaded chessed project, these are key indicatiors that she has it together. ALos, really important is to look at the parents and older sibs. what are they like and then ask who she is similar to.

    #896779

    interjection
    Participant

    “My brother brought his date (right before getting engaged) a bag of flour and told her to bake him something.”

    He’s a jerk. Or he’s funny. I’m deciding…

    WIY: Unless she’s unstable, which you can tell from even one meeting, she will keep as control as the house as she feels you deserve. It’s basic human psychology that if a woman feels loved she will give everything in return but if she feels unappreciated she will resent you and lose interest in keeping things nice.

    #896780

    smartcookie
    Member

    WIY, from a woman’s point of view, I can understand what you want, I don’t think you’re asking for something too extreme.

    However, I do not believe you can NOT see this about a girl while dating. Even if you date for months.

    I can’t see it wrong to ask the girl outright, in a respectful way if she’s this way or the other.

    Tell her it’s one of your important requirements. You’re not being shallow here. It’s quite important.

    If she’s the way you want, she’ll let you know, otherwise, she’ll fly for her life. No lazy girl wants a husband who wants her to be not lazy.

    #896781

    mytake
    Member

    “I am helpful and would pitch in with whatever is necessary as often as necessary but I want her to be the mommy and take care of the kids, make supper and make sure the house looks decent.”

    FYI: Even the most capable woman who juggles work, housekeeping and raising her kids, will find that her husband’s help is necessary most (if not all) days. Being a mother is physically and emotionally draining, so be prepared for that reality.

    “I understand that some guys are satisfied with a simple girl who will just be home all day watching the kids. I need someone more dynamic and a “doer.”

    Okay, I’m not even married yet and I find that offensive. There is nothing “simple” about raising children to become the kind of adults that will make Hashem proud. She won’t just be watching the kids. She’ll be raising them.

    I get that it’s not easy being married to someone who gets ovewhelmed easily and who has difficulties juggling responsibilies. But even supermom wants to be appreciated for her hard work. Being a capable person, doesn’t mean that you don’t find the work as hard as the next person. Just that you handle it better. Hopefully you will find that capable girl, but she deserves the support and appreciation no matter how well she handles things. And all the more so if she holds down a job too.

    #896782

    WIY
    Member

    MorahRach

    I apologize I didnt mean to offend. I meant that I want someone who is motivated and has a lot of energy and is a multi tasker and can handle many things without becoming all stressed out. Not all girls are like that.

    #896783

    WIY
    Member

    apushatayid

    Last time I checked we dont have it anymore….

    #896784

    shein
    Member

    I like uneeq’s brother’s approach. Thanks for sharing. I believe we should all emulate that.

    #896785

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Competency can make life more comfortable, but not necessarily overall happier. Good middos is what truly makes a person happy.

    Imagine a house that isn’t so up to snuff, but with a wife who truly makes you feel cherished and appreciated, who listens with her full ears and heart when you discuss things of concern to you and who truly wants and cares enough to do something about it.

    Now imagine a wife (or husband) who’s got their act together, because that’s part of who they are, but when it comes to your values and concerns, if it conflicts with theirs, you can talk till you’re blue in the face.

    I think a flexible and responsible person (someone who does what needs to be done) is important (second to kindness).

    A person who follows through with commitments, whether it be to school, work, family, friends, etc, those are typically the people who will follow through on the things that come their way.

    Regarding my post above, the most you can do is ask generalized questions on a date, and hope some of this info will be revealed.

    I Also completely agree with the above poster who said that the way you treat your wife will impact greatly on the efforts she makes for you.

    #896786

    yaakov doe
    Participant

    Yes there is. Marry her, father children and then you can see.

    #896787

    WIY
    Member

    mommamia22

    Im talking about the abilities that the girl should have in her personality. A man can love his wife and treat her great but if she isnt naturally an organized person it will take her all day to get the house organized as opposed to someone who has a knack for organization who can do it in a fraction of the time.

    #896788

    more
    Member

    yaakov doe I don’t agree with that. As much as you are right that you don’t know a person until you marry them. It is much better to do your hishtadlut before marriage rather then jump ship and hope for the best.

    And btw FYI: I know who you are.

    #896789

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Why not ask “is there a way to tell if a guy will be a competent husband and father?”

    That’s a fair question. You would expect a girl to ask it. The OP is a guy, though, so he asked about a girl.

    A good girl is hard to come by, these days.

    True, but it’s much harder to find a good guy.

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