It's so hard

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    i dont know if anyone else ever feels this way, but ths is a great way for me to get out my feelings.

    today as most of you did , i went out with relatives, beautiful- right? but not really. you see, im very different than my relatives and its so hard to stay strong! like my previous post, the language really bothers me, and the dress code is also an eye sore for me. it was so hard to shut my mouth the whole time to all the cynical comments to my dress speech and education. am i wrong? am i supposed to fit into my family? am i wrong for going “more?”

    i also hate the discrepancy how the more tough ones get what they want because they are “fragile”. so am i supposed to become tough and at risk in order to get shown some more warmth and understanding? of course i know the answer to that, but why does this world have to be such a backward place?!


    Ikno, I’m having a tough time understanding what you wrote. However, I’ve personally found that the best way to deal with cynics to treat them like stupid children. Respond to them with kindness and explanations as to why and how you do things you do. They will either get bored and leave you alone or they will feel guilty for having been rude.


    in what way are you different then your relatives? More religious ? less?

    (based on this I can answer your post { to what I consider} properly

    Burnt Steak

    Just love them for who they are. You are lucky that you are able to hang out with relatives. Not everyone is able to do that.


    thinkngoutloud91- im more religious…

    burnt steak- true fact but the hurt after spending one day…

    whatever, i doubt anyone can understand…


    ikno, I think I know what you mean.

    It’s not fair when the one trying to do what’s right gets the least acknowledgement and suffers from the breaches of others. You need to spend as much time as possible with people similar to yourself, in order to get strength and support for yourself. Then, when you are in these situations you can shrug it off more easily.


    am i supposed to fit into my family? am i wrong for going “more?”

    I’m assuming that with “more” – you meant more religious?

    That is very frustrating.

    I’m guessing that your relatives are giving you a hard time because when they see you, their conscience starts niggling at them and the truth hurts. That being said, you can be polite and firm at the same time and simply tell them that this is how you chose to dress, speak etc and it’s working for you and most importantly, it’s what you feel is right. I don’t think they would bring it up again after that.

    Yes, it is hard, definitely.

    Burnt Steak

    I came out a bit too harsh. Just from personal experience, none of my relatives are religious and I had to “miss” my cousin’s marriage because they guy she married wasn’t a Jew.

    The message I posted was sort of what I was told by my Rebbi. It still is awkward every time I see her. So I sort of know where you are coming from. Except my relatives way of dress doesn’t bother me too much.

    And if I understand correctly your relatives look down on the orthodox way of life. That is tough. Only thing I can say to that is do your part by being nice and friendly and in the end they may reciprocate. Its not much but toughen your interior.

    Burnt Steak

    Double post Sorry.


    thank you all for your encouraging words…. and i have tried explaining to them that this is me…. i’ll give an example, i dont like a specific accessory and i told one family member somehow they all knew and when one of them got angry, he said that watch and see that when your children will be my age theyll have it too and we’ll all laugh! so much for explaining….


    @ikno – When I overhear my non-Jewish or irreligious contemporaries, I hate hearing the stuff they talk about…. It’s usually cruddy. If I say something, though, most of the time they respect my preferences, as I’m a minority whose lifestyle they find to be different and interesting.

    At the same time, I know gentiles and irreligious Jews who constantly encourage me to go out there into the shmutz and make my own informed decision whether I want to continue making life “hard” for me. I (politely) tell them to buzz off most of the time.

    I don’t bother explaining to them my logic, because these guys never listen.

    There’s a story of an off-the-derech man who came to a rabbi with a lot of controversial “questions.” The rabbi asked, “Did you have these questions before or after you became irreligious?” The man answered, “Afterward.” The rabbi (if I’m understanding this story correctly) informed him that he wouldn’t be able to give the man answers that he’d find satisfactory. In short, the man already had an idea in his head and wanted to simply ratify his misguided outlook.


    I am more religious than my sister, and I had to deal with with her shinanigans like ” what you don’t wanna go out?” – even though it was shabbat..

    eventually she gave up .Just as annoying as it is Keep your ground.

    Don’t be ashamed about it! Be proud that you are religious!


    Your soo luck to have a chance to do Kiruv:) Be happy:) Mitzvah girl:)


    ikno- hi! i totally get you as I am going through the same thing. My best advice to you is try not to focus on ur differences so much. when i got home from seminary it was very easy for me to feel different as I dressed differently and most importantly, in my head i had a whole different life I was going to live and none of them were going to get me. but slowly i realized that at this moment in time, while im still living in my house i need to focus on what we have in common. so Ive been doing that and baruch Hashem it’s been working great. Yea its annoying often when they are doing things I oppose, but they are your family. embrace the fact that you have them. and keep connection with them through your commonality. dont alienate yourself because your more religious. show them that you love all jews including them! your lucky to begin with that they are at least religious! hashem put u in that family for a reason, so embrace it, dont throw it away because your so different.


    will they listen if you asked them to respectfully back off?

    I am not saying you should break all contact.. but if they are doing this to you y hang out with them? yes they are family but why be around people who don’t respect you for you

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