September 5, 2011 6:12 pm at 6:12 pm #599183
That saying always made me a little nervous. When I was 19-20 it was more of a joke so it was laughed off. Now when ppl say it is with pitying glances and I don’t need it – especially if you are married and yonger than me. If someone was married for five years and had no kids and you saw them at a bris you would not say to them IY”H by you. If someone is dating 5 years and at a wedding they do not want to hear IY”H by you either. I know its a bracha and all that so if you really have my best interest in mind daven for me. Do you think I enjoy going to weddings of 19 year olds as it. Please don’t shove it in my face by saying IY”H by you.September 5, 2011 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm #806140shlishiMember
Do you think I enjoy going to weddings of 19 year olds as it.
You’re not enjoying the weddings of 19 year olds??September 5, 2011 6:28 pm at 6:28 pm #806141am yisrael chaiParticipant
People genuinely have your best interest at heart and when they are saying these words to you, they have a power of giving brachos.
You also have a power to be the ??? that either accepts the brachos or not.
You’re not in an easy position, but there is a koach to be receiving so many brachos.
I hope it’s okay to say that be”H may Hashem fulfill ?? ?? ?????? ??? ?????.September 5, 2011 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #806142Emunas ItechaMember
Bringing simcha to another Kallah or Chosson, even though you may be crying inside is one of the best things you can be doing for yourself. Go to simchas. Feel the simcha of the chosson and kallah, be genuinly happy for them. Overcome that ache inside of you when you see younger people get married. Know that when its your time, you WILL be under the chuppah.
In the meantime, if you show Hashem that you are so happy for others. Like you mamesh feel it in your heart. Hashem will look at you and say.. “Look, she is so happy for others even though she has not yet found her zivug. Now I am going to give her something to REALLY be happy about!”September 5, 2011 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #806143bein_hasdorimParticipant
collegegrad is actually right! In the past I was on the receiving end, as i was an older single and let me tell ya, we almost all had the same sentiment.
I’m all for what AYC said, but some of you just really don’t get it.
Let me explain it. If your best friend came over to you at the end of a chasunah, someone who knows you well, knows what you’re going through, and what you have gone through, and wishes you an emotional “IY”H BY YOU SOON!” not only would you not be bothered by it, you would only feel understood and appreciative of it .
Most people however who say it to you, it’s like a slogan, or a charity case. They scout out the Nebach’s in their eyes, Then make it their mission to give them their famous line, they don’t even feel who they’re talking to, or how sensitive the situation is.
The singles are at a wedding usually, QUITE AWARE OF THEIR OWN SINGLE STATUS, not only are they going through having mixed feelings of joy for the young couple, but at the same time pain for themselves when will I be Zoche to find my Basherte?
They also realize that almost everyone else who sees them is well aware of the fact that they are older and still single.
So what they really need is some halfhearted “IY”H BY YOU”
to REMIND THEM as if they don’t know, that they are older and everybody realizes that they need some serious help.
I am just as understanding as the next guy, maybe even more so,
but this is what happens when you are on the receiving end.
and even though this boy or girl will smile so widely and say Omein! Thank you so much! The bottom line is most people don’t
even really mean it so sincerely.
I mean, they want to make themselves feel better about the situation, so they go give a Big “IY”H by you” oh now I feel much better. I made the Nebach feel sooo good! Did you see how they smiled? “I am such a GOOD person.” Hello! were you even thinking about what you would say not to hurt their feelings?
Or were just trying to feel good about yourself, which i’m sure you accomplished. (Maybe not after reading this though.)
Now some of the self righteous ppl may say…
HOW can I say this?!!!
Was I so bitter when I was single that I thought everyone wasn’t sincere? I actually B”H wasn’t bitter, and I cherished every Brocha, maybe not the intent of some, never the less,
“Shelo Thei Birchas Hedyot Kal B’einecho”.
However, all I can say is this, Chazal say
“Devorim Hayotzim min Halev, Nichnasim El Halev.”
If somehow, many, and I mean “many” singles say the same thing,
that it hurts them and doesn’t help, that means people don’t have real sensitivity to singles, nor do they put themselves really in their shoes for the long haul, imagining what it would be like to be single for many years, having all their friend married, with kids, while and their own dreams are put on hold.
If these well wishers were really sincere, their wishes would be accepted with pure joy and appreciation.
The same way these shtible hoppers go to 3 Chasunas a week, pop in, say their Mazel Tov! and leave just a quickly, do they really FEEL the major Simcha of their neighbor, or are they just going through the motions?
This is especially important when the person your telling ” IY”H by you” Is not intoxicated with their own Simcha so as not to notice your insincere manner. This is someone who is clearly aware of their situation, especially amplified at this very moment when they are in attendance at someone elses Simcha, an occasion that they are still waiting patiently on line for a very long time.
So collegegrad; I remember, and I owe it to you and other singles,
as I never really expressed publicly what I, and my friends
have endured. Nor explained clearly to those who basically mean well though their actions are not though out clearly, or sentiment expressed sincerely.
May I say a heartfelt (**”* ** ***!)September 5, 2011 8:45 pm at 8:45 pm #806144
Thank you bain_hasdorim. It takes someone who went thru it themselves to understand what im saying.September 5, 2011 11:52 pm at 11:52 pm #806145YW Moderator-42Moderator
I don’t find any problem with it. Just smile and say “Amen”, you are receiving a bracha. I was always taught not to take a bracha lightly even a “birchas hedyot”. Even a “hedyot” has the power to give brachos, especially at a time when he is in the middle of doing a mitzvah (simchas chossen vkalla). Always answer Amen when someone gives you or someone else a bracha.
In terms of actually saying “IY’H by you”, If everyone would look at it this way it would be fine. But limayseh many people are hurt by it so perhaps it’s not a good thing.September 6, 2011 12:40 am at 12:40 am #806146ImaofthreeParticipant
I know collegegrad, I was in your shoes once and I feel your pain. it hurts.September 6, 2011 12:46 am at 12:46 am #806147popa_bar_abbaParticipant
I was always taught not to take a bracha lightly even a “birchas hedyot”.
Well, these people definitely qualify as a hedyot.September 6, 2011 2:49 am at 2:49 am #806148HaLeiViParticipant
What about a Bracha Hedyotis — a halfhearted, insulting, Bracha?September 6, 2011 4:23 am at 4:23 am #806149aries2756Participant
collegegrad, I am really sorry that you feel that way. In all honesty when I say that, I say it from love and not from pity. If I give someone a bracha it is because I care and I feel their pain.
It is a Segula for a couple who don’t have children to be Kvata at a bris. If we have to worry that they would be insulted by the phone call and the kibud then no one would give this kovod and z’chus to childless couples.
I understand your sensitivity in this issue, but how do you know that all these brochas do NOT help one find their zivug? Maybe all these brachas are being a meilitz yosher for the single person and is helping along with their own tefilos to reach Hashem? It is common for everyone to wish each other I”YH by your children as well, not only to singles. So please be aware no one is purposely going over to singles to “single” them out. But I do appreciate what you are saying and how sensitive you are.
Is it possible that you are just not receiving it in the way it is meant? Specifically because you are so sensitive about it? Obviously you don’t have to discuss your situation with any yenta, but a bracha is a bracha. And you never know where your shidduch is going to come from. I apologize in advance if I offended you in any way, it is not my intention. I truly understand what you are saying, but it is almost rude to not offer a bracha and good wishes to another person.September 6, 2011 4:31 am at 4:31 am #806150shlishiMember
Aries makes a good point. Should we not give childless couples to be kvatar at a bris, since they may feel (in public no less) as a nebech childless couple? They will thus lose the zchus, which is known as a segula to have children.September 6, 2011 5:30 am at 5:30 am #806151HaLeiViParticipant
You are talking about something that you don’t understand. Baruch Hashem, I wasn’t an old enough Bocher to be worried, but I did get to experience what collegegrad is discussing. Since I wasn’t worried or depressed about my situation, I looked at it like a joke. I can’t say it better than bein-hasdorim. He explained well the difference between the regular IY”H-by-yous and the one that is reserved for the “unfortunate” fellow, that I have to dance with.September 6, 2011 6:13 am at 6:13 am #806152therealmgamaMember
As long as it’s brief, sincere, and not accompanied by a pitying look, I’m OK with it.September 6, 2011 6:35 am at 6:35 am #806153Queen BeeMember
The way I see it: when someone meets a married friend, they say, “How are you, how are the husband and kids?” Etc. So for an unmarried friend, they say “IY”H by you.” Wouldn’t you say the same if the roles were reversed?
But if they give pity faces, of course that would bother me. I don’t pity myself, so don’t pity me.September 6, 2011 5:51 pm at 5:51 pm #806154ToiParticipant
its tough to say it too, btw. at my own wedding a friend of mine two years my elder (considered an elter’ bochur) came over to wish me mazel tov. because chassanim give brochos i felt i had to give him a real sincere brocho for a shidduch. for the record hes engaged. (yes im a bal moifes.) do you know how hard it was to look him in the eyes at my own wedding? dcan you understand how guilty i felt that for me it was B”H easy and for him took forever? it really hurt. so dont think that all those brochos are given so flippantly.September 6, 2011 7:43 pm at 7:43 pm #806155
When I get sincere brachos from kallahs I really appreciate it. In fact when the kallahs are my friends I go over to them and say I’ll take a bracha from the kallah please. I belive I have heard that a chosson and kallah have a special power of brochos or tefillas on their wedding. What drives me up a wall is when random people feel that saying the IY”H by you is the appropriate thing to tell any single that they sort of kind of know at weddings.
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