Home › Forums › Inspiration / Mussar › Jealousy
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March 9, 2011 9:55 pm at 9:55 pm #595595observanteenMember
Okay, I know it’s hard to admit, but sometimes I feel….well, jealous of others. Ok, maybe it isn’t jealousy. Perhaps it’s just that I want to have that particular thing too…y’know?
I think it just gets harder with the years. What if this girl gets a better job than me? What if my husband won’t learn while my friends’ will? What if my kids won’t be as smart/popular/goodlooking as others’? I really am working very hard on this middah. Can anybody give me some advice?
March 9, 2011 10:11 pm at 10:11 pm #748201Aishes ChayilParticipantThere are some times when its ok to be jealous.
The mishneh says ‘Kinas Sofrim Tarbeh Chochmo’
If someone has a talent that might entice you, it will power up your confidence and provoke you to succeed as well.
Ofcourse as far as material issues are concerned, it is a problem which is not easily solvable.
Maybe its best that you look at those LESS fortunate. I know its easier said than done but……
March 9, 2011 10:12 pm at 10:12 pm #748202GrandmasterMemberBeing jealous of someone’s Torah is an example of a “good jealousy”.
March 9, 2011 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #748203ha ha ha haMemberwish you lots of luck!! but you can overcome it!! i’m rooting for you!!
March 9, 2011 10:23 pm at 10:23 pm #748204hanibParticipantbest answer i’ve always heard was: would you rather be them with all their problems also or you? also, i find that those times where i am most being me – using my strengths, talents, spiritual abilities – i’m not jealous. but when i’mm not happy with myself and not fulfilling my tachlis, i can be filled with jealousy.
jealousy can also be useful – the things you are jealous of reveal what you want to be: use that info. to develop yourself
March 9, 2011 10:28 pm at 10:28 pm #748205guy-ochoMemberi’m jealous that everyone gets to post whatever they want on CR. and my posts invariably get deleted, or my username blocked
March 9, 2011 10:44 pm at 10:44 pm #748206observanteenMemberbinah: I know. That is one great answer. It’s just…. life’s not always fair, y’know. Sometimes I see that those who hurt others etc. get all they want, while the others…. Get it? I guess it’s some form of Tzaddik vera lo verasha vetov lo type of question. I know I shouldn’t be saying it, but it’s soo hard…
March 9, 2011 11:02 pm at 11:02 pm #748207bptParticipantTeen –
You feel this way, becuase you are only “seeing” the glamorous side of other people’s lives.
Once you see how things really are, you’ll realize how truly blessed you are, and how good your life / situation is.
I could pick apart each of the “concerns” you listed, but trust me on this one. The life you get is THE BEST ONE FOR YOU. No one gets to intrude on another’s share of happiness. You just need to pray to have the insight to see your share for all it truly is.
March 9, 2011 11:22 pm at 11:22 pm #748208stickynoteMemberAnother way to overcome jealousy is when you are jealous of someone realize that NOONE in this world has a perfect life! Although to the outsider (you) it looks like her job is the best, or her kids are the smartest/cutest but you dont know what goes on behind closed doors. How she really doesnt have shalom bayis, or maybe Chas V sholom one of her kids are sick. People know how to hide things and pretend all is well.
Lets say it was possible to trade lives with her however, everything is a package deal. You can’t pick and choose what you would want from her life If you want to trade jobs with her, or wish for her kids you really wouldnt want her life! Her package deal comes with her. You dont want her life and would rather keep your own “package”.
(I am writing this really quickly, but observateen do you understand what I’m trying to say?)
March 9, 2011 11:27 pm at 11:27 pm #748209observanteenMemberSticky: yup. Got it. Thanks! I know that nobody has it easy and that we’re all here to work. I liked what u said about picking and choosing. You’re very right. Thanks again! (feeling better already)
March 9, 2011 11:31 pm at 11:31 pm #748210ummMemberI’m also quite a jealous type. But like everyone is saying there’s always more to the picture than you see.
I once saw this so clearly, years ago, when I was a kid in camp, there were a few girls in my grade who I would look at with plain E-N-V-Y. They looked like they had everything, money, beautiful clothes, friends, parents who sent care-packages all the time… and then I learnt at the end of the summer, one didn’t have a father, one’s brother was very sick, and one had major family issues… but even though I learnt this lesson well then, I still sometimes struggle with it, it’s a constant battle.
And it’s funny, because recently I really settled down, married happily BH, love my job, my apartment… have so much to thank Hashem for, so you’d think that this problem would disapear, but as happy as I am, sometimes I’ll see something by someone else (especially if I feel it isn’t fair), and it will pinch! But I am better these days, I think, i hope…
March 10, 2011 1:30 am at 1:30 am #748211ZeesKiteParticipantobservanteen:
Kindly read my rantings on the ‘What Do You Strive For In Bein Adam L’Chaveiro?’ thread.
March 10, 2011 5:15 am at 5:15 am #748212kapustaParticipantI hear where you’re coming from but think of it this way: you’re friend may have something which seems amazing, but she also has a different tafkid in this world than you do so maybe theres no need for you to have that specific thing. Example- someone has a huge house and ends up hosting people for neighborhood Simchas. Her friend who delivers packages for Tomchei Shabbos doesn’t need all that space, so even though she might like it, its not connected to her purpose on this world. (Am I just rambling here?)
March 10, 2011 5:19 am at 5:19 am #748213observanteenMemberKapusta: No, you’re not rambling. It really makes a lot of sense! But, sometimes, even if I have all that wonderful information in my head, it seems to take some time for it to get to my heart…know what I mean? It’s pretty hard putting it into practice. Well, I guess this is what we’re here for, right?
March 10, 2011 5:22 am at 5:22 am #748214always hereParticipantthis isn’t advice, sorry…
but I’m a little jealous that my daughter’s in-laws are going away to a hotel in Florida again this Pesach. there! I’ve said it.
March 10, 2011 5:34 am at 5:34 am #748215OfcourseMemberOK, confession time!
Am I the only one who is specifically jealous (I try hard not to be) of those who marry off all their children, one after another, early? I consider that one of the biggest gifts of all, because of the stress it leads to when one has difficulty in that area. Its such Heartbreak Hotel.
Is it only me? Money, kavod, and all the rest dont even come close. Possibly health and Yiddishe Nachas from children and grandchildren both tie for second place.
March 10, 2011 8:36 am at 8:36 am #748216m in IsraelMemberobservanteen — Acknowledging and trying to address these feelings are a bit part of the battle! This has sort of been said already, but I find the most helpful message to be giving myself is the idea that we are put in this world for a specific purpose, and as R’Ellis, shlita says, all the details of your situation are “custom made” to allow you to accomplish what you need to accomplish. When you stay focused on the end goal, and realize that even if we don’t know why, our situation is best for us, it helps.
There’s a great song on the kids tape “Uncle Moishy Visits Torah Island”, where they basically talk about how each profession has it’s own “tools”, and the chorus goes something like this:
“Every Jew has a mission —
A special job to do,
And whatever you need to do your job,
Hashem will give to you.
So if your friend has more talents, more ???,
More games, or more money to spend,
Just remember, you don’t need it!
And be happy for your friend.”
Good luck!!
March 10, 2011 10:16 am at 10:16 am #748217whatrutalkingabtMemberI think its much harder when youre not jealous of peoples money or posessions but you’re jealous that they seem to ride through life very easily.
For example- a girl in shidduchim can easily be jealous of someone who got engaged fast and had an easy time during the dating and engagement
A couple waiting for kids can be jealous of someone who gave birth 9 months after the chasunah
Someone who’s kids are struggling in school may be jealous of those who have genius kids….and so on
The thought that helps me is that obviously Hashem gave you this nisayon in order that you should come closer to Him. He wants to hear from you…and apparently- for whatever reason- He doesnt need to be extra close to whoever has smooth sailing in life…get what I mean? Now doesnt that make you feel better???
Maybe the other person should be jealous of YOU and your connection with Hashem!
March 10, 2011 2:10 pm at 2:10 pm #748218seeallsidesParticipantthanks m in Israel -I love that poem/song from Uncle Moishy –
I think the bottom line is that you have to realize that it is ASSUR to be jealous, right up there with not killing…..
It is definitely hard, and there are people who have charmed lives without sick or missing parents,siblings, etc. It is all a nisayon to make us have to work on ourselves. Jealousy is a very common middah and I doubt anyone is immune.
Practical tips really are back to basics, mesillas yeshorim, chovos halevovos, good shiurim that talk to you.
Focusing on spending each day accomplishing what you can will distract you from being absorbed in the COMPARISON race which leads to jealousy.
There will always be somebody who can do it better, is richer,prettier,smarter,more popular,etc. But you were created by the master designer with your specific journey, with everything that you need perfectly provided.
Focus on that and what you can do with it.
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