Jealousy

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  • #609937

    Does anyone have tips on how NOT to be jealous of someone?

    #964483

    Chortkov
    Participant

    I know this sounds hard, but it actually works (I’ve tried it myself). It will take time!

    Jealousy means that you want something someone else has, or you envy somebody else’s life.

    If you keep repeating to yourself your emunah peshuta – that everything you have in life comes from Hashem, and this is the package He wants you to have. If you don’t have something, you are obviously not supposed to have it. Concentrate when you think of ???? ?? ?? ????. Your life is exactly the way it is supposed to be. (Maybe your test in life is to withstand without this {depending on how trivial it is})

    Secondly, you should know that however perfect somebody may look on the outside, EVERYBODY, at some stage in life, has a certain amount of problems. Some more than others. Knowing that everybody has their own “pekel” will make it easier for you to be yourself and not envy somebody else.

    #964484

    jewish source
    Participant

    The gemoro says

    Kol hamistakel bema sheino shlo, ma sheane shelo aino nosnim lo, ma sheyash lo notlim mimenu.

    Someone that looks at what is not theirs,what they desire they do not get and what they have gets taken away from them.

    I think this might do the trick

    #964485

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    It’s easy.

    You take whatever it is you were jealous of from them. And then you’re not jealous anymore.

    #964486

    Firstly, I want to commend you for trying to work on it. It is a middah that if not worked on will just grow and develop.

    One idea might be to channel it properly. Be jealous of things that will make you grow. Kinas sofrim tarbeh chochma.

    Another idea is to look at it as something that you cannot possibly attain because you are in a different position. I will explain. A twelfth grader can be jealous of chessed head, editor in chief, and valedictorian. She will not be jealous of the 5th grader who just got a main part in her class play. Because she understands that it is not a possibility for her. She thinks the chessed head was a possibility. But since she doesn’t think she can get a part in a fifth grade play. She’s not jealous.

    think of it in terms of a car stuck in traffic. When you see a car in the next lane moving smoothly along, you get jealous because you think that you could be in the next lane. But you don’t get jealous of a bird flying overhead and getting there quicker – because you can’t fly. But you can’t be in the next lane either. It is not yours.

    If you realize that something which is not yours is just as unattainable as flying or a part in the 5th grad play, then you cannot be jealous.

    #964487

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Popa, that’s when you are first Over Lo Sachmod.

    #964488

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Great advice for jealosy: Don’t look. There is a terrible, irrational Taava to make yourself jealous, but you know that it doesn’t make you any happier. When the person passes with the item tou are jealous of, look down or around. Jealousy is more in the eyes than it is in the brain. You can see that jealous look on a jealous person. Avoid that look. It is very much in your hands.

    #964490

    ballet slipper
    Participant

    dont want to take away from your ques. but how about when i find it hard to make lots of friends and a new girl who comes in, is just as cute and fun like me makes a whole group of friends in 2 minutes? i hurts me when i feel jealous, but how can i prevent it? what makes her more likable then me??

    #964491

    writersoul
    Member

    You have no way of knowing if you made an ayin hara. There is no reason to suppose you did. All you are doing in beating yourself up right now. What do you think that’s gonna do to help?

    I’ve had loads of friend issues (still do, though I do now have some ABSOLUTELY AMAZING friends- if you’re reading this, though 99% of you shouldn’t know who I am and the 1% who does shouldn’t admit here that she knows me, love ya guys!). I would always hang out on the fringes of the groups of people I wanted to be friends with, just like everyone else, and while I was reasonably good friends with one of them it didn’t really last. I was seriously suffering a lot until I went to high school, where I actually found friends who were my speed.

    The one thing I learned was: I don’t have the RIGHT to be someone’s friend. It’s not coming to me, and it’s not like she’s doing something wrong for not being friends with me. If I’m not the person she wants to confide in or be friends with, then she has just as much of a right as I do to decide with whom she wants to be friends. The popular girls tend to be friends with the popular girls (definitely not an ironclad rule, but in general) and if you try to hang on you’ll probably just stay hanging on.

    You sound, though, like these girls are your type, and you’re just frustrated because you’re not as close as you’d like to be with one of them. The above still applies, but with one caveat- YOU DON’T NEED A BEST FRIEND.

    Focus on yourself and not Estie. Estie doesn’t need to do what you want her to do. She’ll manage perfectly well even if she doesn’t confide in you while it seems like you won’t. You need to figure yourself out. Why do you want to be friends with Estie in particular? Are there other girls who are just as nice and sweet and amazing as Estie? If not, why not? Why is Estie’s BFF currently her BFF- what do they have in common and what do they see in each other? And most important, what are YOU? What type of person, what type of friend? Why would someone want to be YOUR friend?

    After all that, you may not end up with Estie as your BFF, and that’s okay. (I know it seems like it isn’t, but you’d probably be surprised.) But you’ll end up with somewhat of a clearer picture of yourself and be closer to realizing what you REALLY want out of a friendship.

    I hope I don’t sound condescending- I have no idea how much older I am than you or if I am older than you at all. This is just what I think can actually help- it worked for me.

    #964492

    eclipse
    Member

    We may WISH for something – but no reason to WISH IT AWAY from the other person. Any request of Hashem can be accompanied by “if this is truly GOOD for me”.

    #964497

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    jealous and feeling deprived, undercut or alone are not the same thing. You might not be jealous. But to avoid jealousy, don’t follow up on their friendship, and don’t watch them go off together.

    #964499

    writersoul
    Member

    Okay, then, so it’s pretty much a different problem from what I said. Sorry. However, I do think that some central concepts from there can be applied here.

    You could be amazing friends with Estie and her BFF. It’s entirely possible. It’s gotta be tough to have stronger feelings about your friendship with them than they have about their friendship with you.

    Because that’s what it seems like, and that does NOT mean that you should give up. You have got time.

    Like I said above, though, right now, if you really want to be a good friend to Estie, bear in mind that IF SHE NEEDS YOU, SHE WILL FIND YOU. Just be open- WITHOUT being pushy- and see if you guys become closer as her BFF moves away. If not, and what you really want is to help Estie, then remember that she’s happy and you did what you could.

    Please don’t be insulted when I add this caveat- it’s entirely human nature and it happens to everyone. It’s entirely possible that the reason you want to help Estie so much is pretty much centered around your desperation to be friends with Estie- and that’s entirely natural. I remember (and this was already in high school, when things were better for me) hand-copying five pages of notes for someone I was really hoping to be friends with- to this day we’re friendly, but not the best of friends, and I think to myself, WHY did I do that? I was obviously so obsessed by the idea of being friends with her that all of these ideas of what to do to help her that I would never do for anyone else just sprang there.

    So actually, I think this is more similar to my other post than I thought it would be. You need to know yourself and know WHY you are doing things. This is really all about you- and that’s normal. That’s a very decent sized part of what friendships are about- balancing you and the other person, but until you’ve found the other person, it’s all about finding someone you’re comfortable and close with. So you do need to figure yourself out.

    If you do a cheshbon hanefesh and conclude that your real motivation for helping Estie and her BFF is your potential friendship more than true chesed, then come to terms with the fact that it may not happen. If it is chesed, then really, the same thing applies. True chesed is doing what the other person wants, not what you want. Either way, there’s no reason for you not to subtly push the friendship along- even if only just to be nice and friendly over the summer. Invite them to your house. DO stuff together. Why not? Just pretend you’ve got nothing at stake, and you’ll be a lot happier and less stressed.

    The other point you mentioned is that everyone is paired off. I’ve never been in a situation like that, though I’ve definitely been in situations that are the poster children for “clique,” but it definitely sounds tough.

    Hatzlacha! I hope everything works out well for you.

    #964500

    sharp
    Member

    That must be very hard.

    They might really like you as a friend and maybe they even enjoy your company but are not so good at verbalizing it. Is that possible?

    Wish you good luck.

    #964502

    writersoul
    Member

    Chesed doesn’t mean chesed case! It just means helping people! I’m sorry if I made it sound like that, as you’re obviously not doing that- it was just a catch-all term.

    It doesn’t matter if you’re helping them because they’re nebach cases or because they’re your best friends- it’s still chesed.

    Just don’t make it reliant on anything. Do it because they’re awesome and you think you can help- not because there’s something for you dependent on it. And if they don’t want it, it’s not helping.

    Which, as I mentioned, does NOT mean you should give up! Your situations sounds really hard as far as pairing off is concerned. I’m really sorry but I have no suggestions- even in my most cliquey situations, there’s always been room for a third to latch on, which doesn’t sound the case in your situation.

    Hatzlacha again, and I hope you come out of this strong. 🙂

    Are you doing anything in the summer like working in a camp or something where you meet new people, Be friends with Estie all you want, but don’t limit yourself to her.

    And invite people! Worst case scenario, invite both halves of a BFF team! You’d be surprised what can happen.

    Just saying, in elementary school, I never thought in a million years that I could give anyone advice on friendship :). For me it was just a bad sviva with people who I had absolutely no shaichus to- a different situation from you, apparently. Then I went to the right high school and everything’s done a 180, baruch Hashem. Remember that anything can change at any second- NOTHING is set in stone. You’ll do amazing :).

    #964505

    pixelate
    Member

    Shopping, writersoul- you guys should hook up somehow.

    #964506

    writersoul
    Member

    pixelate: Sounds like we’re in two different countries…

    shopping: No, I didn’t read the other thread. It probably would have helped me understand better.

    When did you move to your new town? Have you been focusing as much effort on making friends where you live now as where you used to live? If you find amazing girls where you live now it won’t make your friendship with Estie any less but it’ll maybe make you less desperate.

    Unless you mention it within the context of a regular conversation (like, “oh, I remember when I moved- it was so annoying when xyz happened. Is it like that with you?”), I wouldn’t bring it up, especially if it’s not their type. Remember, focus on who you’re doing it for- them or you? If it’s really for them, then if it would make them uncomfortable, just drop it.

    It must be really frustrating when it doesn’t seem like Estie is as good a friend to you as you want her to be. I had a friend like that in elementary school- after a while we did become friendly, but never as much as I wanted to be. It was really hard. We talk occasionally now, but not recently and not very much. Sometimes I wish it had been more, as she was a really great girl, but oh well.

    This could easily have all been discussed to death on the teen trouble thread, but are you having issues adjusting to your new town? Even if you can make an amazing friendship with Estie, she’s still not going to be around during the new school year apparently. It may make sense for you to focus on where you live now and where you’re going to be in school for the next year- that’s what’s really going to affect you.

    Wishing you loads of luck!

    #964508

    writersoul
    Member

    So great! You have a great new opportunity to make new friends in a place that seems to really suit you!

    Have you had trouble becoming friendly with them or is the only problem that you’re overwhelmed?

    Maybe wait until school starts, or see if there’s some kind of summer program you can do, and just try to become friendly with them. Figure yourself out for real and realize the DIFFERENCES between the girls. Nobody is THAT easily categorized as “that type”- what other amazing qualities do they have?

    Worst case scenario, show up to school on the first day and just pick from the thirty girls in your class :).

    That doesn’t mean you should give up on Estie! In what context are you going to be able to get together? With her BFF or not? In your town or hers? That can all change the dynamics of your relationship. Just remember, though- it’s hard to be a long-distance BFF.

    Either way, no reason why you can’t call her to say hi and have some nice long DMCs even if you’re not best friends.

    Kol tuv!

    #964511

    okay, but next time think about that before you post

    #1611237

    laskern
    Participant

    It says in Pirkei Avos איזהו עשיר השמח בחלקו if a person is satisfied with what he has, he will no be jealous of what others have, look at people having less than you. Recognize that whatever you have is not only your doing, but it is acquired with the help of Hashem.

    #1611371

    Why do people keep bringing up posts I wrote in middle school?
    Is it entertaining?

    #1611402

    knaidlach
    Participant

    shopping
    you may be surprised how the one you are jealous of is actually jealous of you, of all the good qualities you possess and of all the good things in your life.

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