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Does it make sense to continue a relationship through email with an old childhood friend who I had before becoming frum?
I have been writing and sharing cute emails back and forth for a few years now. Things about life, or short stories, things about family & things kids do.
BUt The practical problems I can foresee are that in expressing myself, its inevitable that my outlook and hashkafa occasionally interplays and may be taken as inappropriate to this friend who is a bleeding heart liberal, along with her being a gay rights activist/supportist.
Besides for that I find myself having to consciously hold myself back from sharing interesting points from Torah. Its uncomfortable because I want to tell the world about the gems of truth I have come across in Yiddishkeit.
Not only may she feel like I am trying to change her religion, but maybe I could chas v’shulem be negatively affected by her?
What do you say?
I personally feel I want to keep up with her, because we still share the same funny sense of humor and understand each other more then some of the frum ladies understand me in my own neighborhood.
This is dangerous territory you are treading on.
I think this is a very difficult situation. My instinct is to let the relationship drift apart on its own, as so many very typical childhood friendships do, whether or not they are religiously on the same page. We grow up, we grow apart, and we can still be firendly without the intensity of our childhood relationship.
I have lots of non-Jewish friends. I don’t apologize for Torah at all. I’m very confident in my hashkafah and don’t feel like anyone else’s ideas are at all a threat.
Why worry? Since when do you have to agree 100% about everything to be friends? And after all, if you managed to become frum while knowing this person, why should it threaten you afterwards? So go on being friends.
As far as sharing Torah, is your friend non-Jewish or Jewish and just not frum? In the first case there might be some wisdom in not discussing religion. In the second case, there’s no reason not to talk about what you are enthusiastic about in Torah so long as you don’t get “preachy” or let it monopolize the conversation.
The answer lies in the motivation for the question. With what is the OP uncomfortable? Only s/he can answer that.
idk if i can relate exactly, but my nonjewish friends from college are aware of my jewish beliefs and we stay clear of the topic of religion. everyone has different outlooks and views, my motto is LIVE AND LET LIVE…do what u want as long as it doesnt infringe upon my wellbeing and im a big believer in that across the board…
if she is imposing her beliefs/veiws upon u and u feel uncomfortable, it may be time to take a step back, but that would hold true with anyone jewish or not.
I think the answer to the question lies in whether your hashkafa is that it is better for Jews to integrate with society or to isolate from society.
I think most of the viewpoints here will reflect each individuals hashkafa regarding this.
If the hashkafa you learned was that we need to isolate ourselves from the goyim and you still understand this to be true, then maybe it is time to move to a frum community.
If your hashkafa is that we need to integrate with society and you are facing conflicting emotions based on ideas that you heard from people who maintain the other hashkafa then you need to iron out your feelings and align them with your hashkafa.
I agree with Charlie, I have many friends who are not frum, or not Jewish. We get along fine, I don’t tell them how to live their lives they don’t tell me how to live mine.
Is exchanging emails really the same as socializing? Personally, I often find my non-Jewish friends are more tolerant and understanding of my life style then non-religious Jewish friends. Therefore, I hold that there is no reason you can’t continue your contact. And should you get together socially, I’ve never encountered any issues there either. My friends have been more then willing to come to kosher restaurants with me, and are totally respectful.
Sometimes Torah views can be masked generically. For instance, while we wouldn’t try to explain the concept of Loshon Hora, we could write that we really try hard not to gossip about others because it could hurt their feelings.
I don’t see a problem with it. I have freinds from the past and present. While they don’t understand alot of what I do , they respect it. Interactions with non-jews provides endless opportunities to be make kidush hashem.
and endless potentials of chillul rachmono litzlon
it all depends on your hashkafa as people have posted
You wrote: “However I am sure that a non jew is not the same inside on a soul level, and fear that I am really communicating with a monster with a soft smile?”
I feel terrible for your friend and I also feel so ashamed that anyone could think this way, and moreover post this on a public website. A monster? Your childhood friend is a “monster with a soft smile” because you bought into some bigoted version of Judaism? Tell me which group mekareved you so I can steer my children far, far away.
The more I read of this YWN coffee room, the more disgusted I am with my coreligionists.
mandy, i couldnt agree more. it’s very sad
Why would you think that a friend who remained your friend and stood by your side while you went off on your own journey and discovered your own truths would be a “monster with a soft smile”? What has she done at any time to sabotage you on your journey of truth and enlightenment that makes you wonder if you should turn your back on her. Maybe it is she that should be turning her back on you? Has she? Has she turned away from you after you left her behind when you went off on your own?
It is OK to be different and yet still be the same. It is OK to share things and still keep things separate and private. You are both individuals and those things that make you so should be celebrated and respected. There are things that you will never see eye to eye on and you will have to agree to disagree. Those things might have to be taboo subjects for you and those things might eventually divide you and send you on your separate ways. But why not allow that to happen or not. You might be surprised that just the fact that what you discovered have made you so happy might have a profound affect on her and her life. OR it might not and you might just naturally drift apart a little more year by year as your interests and your priorities differ. Who knows? Why worry about it now, why not allow nature to take its course?
if you’re nervous about it, that’s a good sign that there IS some problem with it, for you. While other people may be able to do this and stay frum, some people are affected more than others.
To me, the problem is – Why do you not feel like you can socialize with other frum people? Are you comfortable with Baalei Teshuva who have integrated with the community?
We need friends and should have as many as possible, but we also need to develop friends, adn that takes effort. It says knei lecha chaver, buy yourself a friend, and having a friend is just as important as having a rabbi.
Please keep us updated how your relationship is going adn how youa re developing new friends int he frum world.
Have a wonderful shabbos!
Let us leave aside the broader question of is it OK in general to stay in touch with friends from before you were religious and focus on the specific question of the original poster and the specific friend.
You have from what you have said known this person for many years. And therefore we assume have some in site into who she really is. Do you feel that she has or may try to do something to turn you away from the path you are following or otherwise harm you? Or has she been supportive of your choices in life? If she has been supportive keep being friends.
Show her the same level of respect for her life as you would like to see shown for yours and I think you will be fine.
This is just friendly advice from a fellow BT, take it for what you think it is worth.
However I am sure that a non jew is not the same inside on a soul level, and fear that I am really communicating with a monster with a soft smile?
You could not have put it better. Your feeling are accurate.
Forget all else. Perhaps you should stop with the goy for shalom bayis reasons, even if not for all the other reasons.
Frumgirl, if you are asking whether you are “allowed” to do something then you are not asking the right people. That you should ask from your own RAV and not a group of people who will basically give you mixed opinions and mixed views. If you are looking for opinions you have come to the right place.
Glad I could be of help.
frumladygit:
I think you already know the answer. You understand that this is not an ideal situation. Your husband has expressed his displeasure over this already. The only thing left to do is to hand up a big yellow neon sign over your head.
You will undoubtedly feel bad for a while about it. Even later if the name comes up you will feel a twinge. But like all things time will make it easier. I speak from experience as well. Why way your conscious with something you believe to be not 100% correct. Let it go, feel better about yourself and your path to Hashem and in a year or two from now you will be happy that you had the strength to do what is right for yourself.
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