Personally I think Mitch Hedberg (RIP) is much funnier than SW.
Heres a few.
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘slow down’. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’, green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck did you get that banana?’
You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore.” But I was too busy mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from of my neck. Don’t go to see Dr. Acula!
Hope you enjoyed 🙂
I got a job at the fire hydrant factory. Had to quit, though – no parking.
opened today , very nice .
I ilke this one and explains the posters here as well
from Hedberg “Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.”