February 19, 2017 3:26 am at 3:26 am #619282
Are there learning boys who go on saw you at sinai? If not what is my best chance at getting a learning boy (as in what kind of shadchanim)?February 19, 2017 3:43 am at 3:43 am #1220372
There are definitely boys who learn on SYAS. But if you are looking for a boy who wants to learn indefinitely, I am not sure. I would imagine that it would be hard to find someone like that on SYAS, although you never know.
If you are looking for a YU boy who wants to learn long-term and/or go into chinuch, you might find him on SYAS. I doubt you would find a Lakewood long-term learner on SYAS though.February 19, 2017 4:08 am at 4:08 am #1220373
Lilmod, I am curious do you think that the shadchanim would have someone who does not fit the Bais Yaakov mold and grew up when I was reading the Emunah with chicken soup book, I realized my situation is similar to Reb Machlis who grew up more modern but wanted a rabbi, (do not want to compare myself to such a great lady but I just wanted to give you a little bit of what my situation is similar to and hopefully maybe one day I will become a great lady) and I have “dreams” of being able to support my husband and let him not worry about money since I have a good degree and make money and allow him to open up a yeshiva even tho I am coming from a more modern background and so I am not a typical girl who marries a learning boy?February 19, 2017 7:19 am at 7:19 am #1220374
You were asking Lilmod, but I think I can answer you too.
I know many women who came from more modern backgrounds who married learning boys. And also boys who came from modern backgrounds and then went into learning etc.
I think in order to do that, if you don’t fit the BY mold until now then you have to change that mold now. That might mean moving out of your modern community and moving to a more yeshivish community. Some girls do that by going to learn in E”Y, and then staying on. Others move to a more yeshivish community in the NY area, for example, Passaic. Then you can start to network- people will get to know you, you will get more familiar with the kollel lifestyle, you will have more shidduch opportunities as the people that you know will be more likely to know the kind of person you want to marry, and serve as shidduch references for you, etc. Think about it from the boy’s perspective- what would make a yeshivish guy who wants to learn full time want to go out with you, when he has lots of BY girls to choose from? Do your best to make yourself part of that world, and then your less than typical background won’t be the defining part of you.February 19, 2017 12:52 pm at 12:52 pm #1220375ema2fiveParticipant
WinnieThePooh. regarding your statement “what would make a learning boy go out with you “etc, this is one of the main problems in the shidduch world today. The fact that a boy who intends to learn and have his wife essentially support him holds all the cards is sad. Moreover, one would hope a “learning boy” has time to fit in a little derech eretz and shulchan aruch in his busy day. Perhaps recognizing the value a girl who tok upon herself to become frummer or giving girls a chance even if they did not go to THE Seminary is worth something as well.February 19, 2017 3:06 pm at 3:06 pm #1220376
Rebshidduch, like Winnie the Pooh, I know many girls from modern backgrounds who married learning boys.
I basically agree with what she wrote and think it is wise advice.
However, in one sense, I may have a slightly different perspective. I have known all types of “learning boys”. The typical super-Yeshivish (sociologically speaking) Lakewood boy is only one type. There are many boys who come from similar backgrounds to you who are learning. There are also baalei teshuvas. And there are boys who come from something in between your background and a “Lakewood-type” background as well. Most of the shtark girls I know who came from modern backgrounds married shtark boys from similar backgrounds and did not marry Lakewood boys.
While you should definitely be striving to grow in your Avodas Hashem, and while this may mean moving to a more Torahdik community, you also don’t want to put yourself into a situation where you are trying to fit in to a community in which you don’t fit (sociologically speaking) and trying to go out with boys who are not really the right type for you.
I’m not saying that you can’t go out with Lakewood boys, but there may be boys from other backgrounds who are just as sincere about Torah and Avodas Hashem, and those boys might be more matim for you.
Winnie the Pooh mentioned Passaic. That might be a nice idea for you. If not Passaic, I’m sure there are other places that would be good for you. Lakewood might be a nice place for you to live as well, but then I think you will have to make sure to speak to shadchanim outside of Lakewood as well.
It’s possible that SYAS is a good option for you, since you might be able to find learning boys who are not from Yeshivish backgrounds there. But I
think that it should be in addition to speaking to real-life shadchanim and not instead of.February 20, 2017 3:47 am at 3:47 am #1220377
Winnie, do you by any chance know of any good shadchanim who work for boys who are from more modern backgrounds and are now going to learn full time?February 20, 2017 6:53 am at 6:53 am #1220378
Sorry, rebshidduch I am not familiar with shadchanim. I think in any case you would be better off getting shidduch suggestions from people who know you personally, which is why I suggested moving to a community with like-minded people, where you can network.February 20, 2017 7:02 am at 7:02 am #1220379
ema2five, yes it is sad and unfair that the boys call the shots.
But this is reality. Picture a good learning boy with say 40 shidduch resumes in front of him. They are all just a bunch of names, all quality girls. i How is he (or his mother) to decide whom to date? Practically it is easier for him to date locally and those from similar backgrounds who he will feel more comfortable with, so those will get pushed to the top of the list. It’s not necessarily coming from a lack of derech eretz, but more from the overwhelming number of choices there are for the bochur. This makes it very hard for the OOTers and those from different backgrounds, unless there is a personal connection- say a close relative who really knows both sides recommends it, i.e. protektzia.February 20, 2017 2:16 pm at 2:16 pm #1220380
I also think that IN GENERAL, it makes more sense for most people to marry someone from a similar background. But of course, that is a generalization, and it depends a lot on the people. But most people do relate better to people from a similar background.
When two people get married, it can be very difficult at first since they are two different people from two different families who may have different ideas about many aspects of how a home should be run and how husbands and wives should relate to each other, etc. The more different your backgrounds, the more difficulties that are more likely to arise.
Many of these things are things that people don’t even think about and just take for granted that everyone does things that way. I know two different couples, who after they got married, the dishes were piling up in the sink for a few days until each of them realized that they each assumed it was the other one’s job to wash the dishes.
That is a minor example, but it can come up with other things as well.February 28, 2017 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #1220381lakewood maidelMember
ema2five what you said about boys having to give girls a chance is in an ideal world a very nice suggestion, however when a boy is deciding who he wants to marry and is trying to find the right one, ultimately he is going to be dating whatever girl he really thinks is the most likely to be the right one, boys are not going to go out with someone just as a chesed. Until boys are really convinced that girls from different backgrounds might actually be the right ones for them then they wont waste their time, (and on the boy’s end money too) just making a girl feel good that she got a date. I think that we need to start educating boys about the fact that these girls may be just as good for them and only when they really understand that could we blame them for being heartless and prejudiced.March 2, 2017 3:36 am at 3:36 am #1220382
Winnie, there are no “like minded people” like me. I do whatever I want.March 2, 2017 5:09 am at 5:09 am #1220383LightbriteParticipant
“I do whatever I want. ” (rebshidduch)
There are people who also do whatever they want and may be a like-minded fit for you.
It’s not necessarily what someone does, but how one looks at life, what one wants from life, and how one approaches life.March 2, 2017 5:00 pm at 5:00 pm #1220384
If there’s no one who is like-minded to you, how can you get married?
Granted, you don’t have to have similar personalities, but you do have to be like-minded in order to build a relationship and a home.March 2, 2017 7:32 pm at 7:32 pm #12203855ishParticipant
There is no one who does not do whatever they want, as anything which is done is motivated in some way by will.
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