Multiple Shidduch Offers

That’s a tough one. I have a different view on this subject because of something a friend of mine experienced with her son. He had a number of shidduchim redt to him (he’s married now, so it’s not a loss), and there was a girl his mother especially wanted him to meet. But she was nbeing redt to another boy, who had not said yes at that point and she was waiting to hear from the shadchan that the family was maskim. (She did not hear back from him for over a month). The girl would not move forward on another shidduch, even though she was not getting a call back on the first boy (and that is where many people and I differ in our feelings about this process – I would not wait to hear from that first boy if another shidduch was presented who was ready to go out). Consequently, the boy was redt another shidduch, he went out with her, and that is the girl he married. So obviously she was his basherte, and B”H everything worked out for him. But that first girl was kicking herself, because a) the boy she was waiting to hear from ultimately did not accept to meet her and b) she heard what a great guy my friend’s son is, and lost out on the opportunity to meet him.

I wish I knew a solution for this problem. Ultimately we all know Hashem fiers the world, and it is His ratzon that prevails, but who knows what might have happened had the girl been willing to hear about the shidduch that “got away.” She is unfortunately not married yet, and this happened two years ago.

I still believe that one should at least consider every shidduch that is presented and not refuse to hear about it (As happens often), just because it is one on a longer list. JMO.

I am curious, Tzippi, as to why you feel this is an inyan requiring the asking of a shailah? I am not trying to be flip in my response, I am genuinely mystified as to what halachic issue is being compromised. It would enlighten me greatly if I could understand this better. Is it that there is an idea of “gneivas daas” involved, i.e. that the first family believes themselves to be the one and only shidduch being redt? If so, perhaps the solution to that is for everyone across the board to accept the idea that the early bird gets the worm (excuse the expression),a nd they should not be sitting on an answer as to whether or not they will accept the shidduch. Like everything else in life, the laws of supply and demand are very influential. If a boy’s mother knew he might lose out on a shidduch because she is not responding promptly, and that the girl has other shidduchim in the offing, maybe that would encourage the boy’s side to get back to the shadchan more quickly.

I am honest to say that I am not in the type of chevra that normally will conduct their shidduch pursuits in this particular derech, but the experience of my friend whom I mentioned, as well as acquaintances who have been discussing the whole “shidduch crisis” issue, leads me to conclude that there are some avoidable problems, if people would consider the possibility of revamping one or two aspects of the system. I know it works well for many, but for those for whom it does not work, what are they supposed to do?

You know Oomis, I was thinking of a similar but not quite situation, where both sides had said yes, knew that it would be two weeks till they could meet and in the interim, a shidduch that someone had been working on for a while that we were very excited about finally come through with a yes. We were told that while this exciting shidduch was definitely more promising they couldn’t go out till she met the boy both had committed to.

You’re right, under these circumstances I don’t think a shaila is necessary, and the shadchan should be told a yes with the understanding that a yes from the boy must be forthcoming.

I know someone who went out with two different girls this past Sunday.

After the first date (morning date), he was redt another one said yes and went out that night.

Is there anything wrong with that?

Just Smile – I see plenty wrong with this. Shidduchim should not be treated like a factory conveyor belt or speed dating. If you want to go down that route then that’s plain dating.

A shidduch should involve some time making enquiries etc and then meeting one person at a time with the view that maybe this is the beshert. How can you do that if you’ve got another date lined up the same day or next day come to it.

Dear Just Smile

Yes, there is something VERY wrong with “double dating.” Unless the first girl he went out with was totally not for him, and he realized right away that it was a waste of time to pursue it any further, it should not be done.

Can you explain how in the world the boy will not compare the two girls to each other??

When a boy goes out on a date, he should be concentrating on “ideals” and how he wants to lead his married life. If the girl is of the same mindset as him, than you “go for it” (or go further depeding on where the dating process is holding).

I personally don’t think there is anything wrong dating multiple people on the first few dates. Until there is some form of committment, there is no need to be exclusive…

But, I believe in general dating and don’t care much for the shidduch system so…

Maybe we should put “double dating” in quotes.

Used to be boys would do it all the time, due to transportation hassles (at least my mother said my father did 50+ years ago). I think it’s a bit easier now, and worth it to wait, even if the opportunity seems so bashert. It complicates things too much.

Pass it along to a friend. Let him/her look into it if you feel it is appropriate for them. No need to hoard all the names (poor choice of words, but dont want to bother coming up with another).

If he was absolutely sure the last girl was a no, fine. But as Rabbi Braun of Monsey points out, it’s fine to take time to think about things (not too long, don’t overthink, but don’t rush either).

I agree this is a very subjective issue. Going out with more than one person at a time works very well for some people (it certainly did for me, as I wasted no time, and in the case of an older single person, time is even more of the essence). But it is detrimental to others. There is no one right or wrong in my opinion. It is wrong if it is wrong for YOU, but not if it is right for someone else. Some people bedavka NEED to be able to compare two dates as potential shidduchim. I don’t say they should see a different person every day of the week, but I don’t agree that there is something innately worng with dating two people at the same time. It does not necessarily confuse everyone, as was asserted, and in fact can often truly bring into focus what the person likes better about one shidduch versus the other. I am not recommending it as a blanket statement, but neither do I think that it is so glatt to say it’s a bad thing, either.

Nobody, sometimes, you need to see someone else to realize what it is you like/don’t like about the other person. Chances are, you are comparing your dates whether you realize it or not. After all, you are thinking about the last person you rejected because of XYZ middah and trying to see if this person is better. This is in addition to seeing if you like the person and are compatible.

Its not a matter of rejecting a person because the other was better in comparison – its a matter of choosing the person that is right FOR YOU. When you are dating, you sort of have to be selfish and say “What is best for me? What do I want out of the person I am dating?” Granted, this is early on before emotions really come into play. But no one is talking about dating multiple people for long spans of time.

Hate to break this to you BasYisroel2 but loads and loads of guys going out are on many more dates at the same time. I know that you feel this is disgusting- quite rightfully by the way but that’s just the way things are nowadays

BasYisroel2 – while you may be right, what you are describing wasn’t exactly that case

he already finished dating the first girl and called it off – although he didn’t speak to the shadchan yet – and he got a call about a different girl for that night

Nobody- which part of “I know that you feel this is disgusting- quite rightfully by the way” didn’t you understand???

SJSinNYC- took the words out of my mouth (and onto my screen)…

Dating has to be done in a somewhat selfish manner (at least to start with)

So basically you use two people to see who you prefer and then dump one of them ‘cos the other is better.

Or, you date two people like both of them so you toss a coin>

I’m sorry but the idea of dating two people simultaenously is wrong, for whatever reason.

this conversation evolved from earlier posts, read through them

an open book: don’t get me wrong- were not talking about the boy sitting around the table with 2 girls- rather one night Rivka next night Rochel…Simple!

noitallmr: Wow, are you a humorist?

BS”D

If you are a bochur or parent of same then just point out that takkono d’Rabbeinu Gershom has expired and that there is a shidduch crisis which affects girls more than boys…(ducking LOL)!

Wow you guys sure are up early???

Nobody, its not a matter of using people or flipping a coin. Its a matter of figuring out whats best for YOU. When you stop dating someone, it has to do with you deciding they aren’t quite right for YOU.

I know plenty of people who dated multiple people at the same time and it worked out fine. I also know plenty of people who dated, broke up and then re-dated (and got married). I think you are fooling yourself if you think people don’t compare dates, even if they took place in the past.

Dating has a large portion of learning about yourself in it. And sometimes, the way to learn about yourself is to reflect on how you interact with certain people.

I think if you are dating multiple people for a while (like a month) then that is wrong – you are asking people to invest too much emotionally. But the first few dates are more like interviews than anything else.

Did I ever date multiple people at once? No, but then again I married the only guy I ever dated. But it wasn’t a shidduch type system, so I am not sure that even counts.

Nobody, I have close personal involvement with a few people who double dated and were on both sides of the coin.

While I understand the pain your child went through, rejection is a normal part of the shidduch process. Its a normal part of ANY dating process. There is always someone “better” out there and its just a matter of finding the right person for you. I’m trying to figure out a way to verbalize my thoughts well and I am having trouble at the moment. But your child should have understood that she was being rejected because the guy felt the match was not 100% compatible, whether or not he was dating anyone else. Double daters don’t sit there with a list and say “OK date with person A had these positives, person B had these positives. Lets compare the two and figure out which one I should dump.” Once there is some sort of committment (I think more than a few dates), then double dating is really cheating.

A close friend of mine broke up with a guy after dating for a while and dated up a storm for about two weeks (a lot of first dates and thats it). After those two weeks she realized what she had given up and called to see if the guy was willing to start up again. He was and they are happily married now. She needed a brief time to compare what her feelings/thoughts were before being able to move on. Does everyone need it? No, but some people do.