Logical Marriage

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  • #1741528

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Should choosing your spouse be a logical decision?

    It’s really difficult to approach shidduchim from the heart.

    I’ve learned that the head must decide first.

    Is there a point where most people are totally sure with their decision of who to marry before marriage?

    How do you get excited about marriage when it’s basically the biggest decision of your life?

    #1741547

    besod emuna
    Participant

    It’s like jumping into a cold pool. You gotta just do it. Otherwise you’ll stand on the side forever.

    #1741627

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Thank you Besod Emuna 🙂

    #1749277

    Grey matter
    Participant

    After you jump and swim around a bit it’s exhilarating

    #1749279

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Good analogy besod

    #1798131

    Burnt Steak
    Participant

    My Grandma always tells me. You’ll know when it feels right. And how can you not get excited when you are getting a new best friend?

    #1798342

    The little I know
    Participant

    Hope is emotional, not logical. The development of a marriage occurs mostly afterward, not before. The play that occurs before is a charade, a game. No one is doing more than portraying the image intended for the other, and is not real. After the wedding, it is work to connect, bond, and generate the emotional relationship. It is a delicate time. Somehow, most of us navigate it. There are failures, and there are sometimes outsiders (including families) with either noble or evil intentions who try to interfere. It requires major effort to manage this connection plus a huge dose of Syatta Dishmaya.

    #1799229

    Avi K
    Participant

    Only if you are a Vulcan.

    #1799302

    DovidBT
    Participant

    Only if you are a Vulcan.

    But even Vulcans experience Pon farr every seven years.

    #1803757

    knaidlach
    Participant

    it should mostly be based on logic. but you also need some feelings or at least you see the feelings coming. those that have lots of emotional exciting feelings etc. does not mean at all any better happier marriage. as fast as that excitement came it can also go with one argument. the main connection and bond starts after getting married.
    YOU DON’T MARRY THE ONE YOU LOVE, YOU LOVE THE ONE YOU MARRIED.

    #1803771

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    No time to worry about “feelings”, “emotion” and stuff like that. If you are a regular CR reader, you’d be in a state of high anxiety by the age of 16 yo if you were already married and total panic by 18 yo and viewed yourself as a poster child for the shidduch crisis. Go with the first boy who shows any interest in you and everything else will fall into place later on.

    #1803817

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Correction to my post above: “If you are a regular CR reader, you’d be in a state of high anxiety by the age of 16 yo if you were NOT already married.

    #1803859

    funnybone
    Participant

    It should be a logical decision. But, if there aren’t any feelings then something is missing. Figure it out before proceeding

    #1803902

    hershh
    Participant

    after all is said and done. C hssidim have it right. You do your homework and introduce one to the other and most of the time it clicks. children have trust in their parents believing that parents are mature enough to understand their chid’s interest. proof is in the low divorce rate.

    #1803904

    funnybone
    Participant

    Hershh: what is the divorce rate compared to Yeshivish?

    #1803907

    Joseph
    Participant

    funnybone: Their divorce rate is significantly lower than the yeshivish. Only mentioning this since you asked.

    #1803963

    flatbusher
    Participant

    “Logical marriage” makes it sound like a business deal, which unfortunately sometimes it seems that way. Given our way of dating and marriage, there really isn’t that much time to develop a loving relationship, and indeed we do see that love is a factor (Yitzchak loved Rivka, for example in Parshas Chaya Sarah). But there has to be some feelings. Obviously, arranged marriages don’t put a lot of stock in that aspect, and I think that for the most part, people figure they’ll make do. And then others don’t.

    #1804334

    There are other factors that affect divorce rates, so it might not be possible
    to accurately judge the influence of any particular factor by it.

    #1804333

    indeed we do see that love is a factor (Yitzchak loved Rivka, for example, in Parshas Chaya Sarah)

    Calling the parsha “Chaya Sara” is perhaps indicative of the writer’s level of familiarity with it. The verse to which they refer reads “And Yitzchak brought Rivkah into the tent of his mother Sarah and he took Rivkah and she became a wife to him and he loved her and Yitzchak was comforted regarding his mother.”

    #1804366

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Love meant something very different in the “good ole days”……we bring down from the parsha that Rivkah was initially more focused on Yitzchak’s camels and love came later. With Yaakov avinue, however, it took 7 years of hard labor to lock-in the relationship.

    #1804417

    The little I know
    Participant

    GH:

    Have you used some sort of literary license to interpret the 7 years of Yaakov’s work? And Rivkah being busy with Yitzchok’s camels, what’s your point? Seforim tell us a lot about these events, but what you are sharing here is bizarre. What are your sources, and what on Earth do you mean?

    #1804484

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Little I Know….Yes. Just as bizarre as anyone who would seriously suggest that making a decision on a life-long marriage commitment should be undertaken in the absence of emotional connection. The OP asks whether such a decision can or should be made based on logic or love. Clearly, the answer is elements of BOTH.

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