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Q: I’m in the parsha of shidduchim right now and someone told me that when the right one comes along it will be love at first sight. Is that true?
A: It’s definitely untrue. You have to know that הקדוש ברוך הוא has prepared wrong ones too. And many times, the wrong ones come along first. And you’re going to have to be sure that you’ll make it love at second sight, and the third sight. And your love at first sight means nothing at all. The truth is that your sight means nothing at all. You’re a blind fool. You don’t see your kallah. You see her hair all puffed up, that’s what you see. And you’re hooked. Hook, line and sinker. You’re caught.
The best way to look at your kallah is through the eyes of your mother, or your aunt. When your aunt looks at the kallah, she sees her. When your mother sees the kallah, she sees her. But you? All you see is her hair and her painted eyelashes.
And that’s why in the olden days, the women used to make the shidduchim. They knew this and this girl, and they knew, that’s the right one. They knew her. They knew her character. But the boy doesn’t know anything about the character. He sees she has a nose, he sees the painted eyelashes, he sees the paint on the lips, and he’s captured. That’s love at first sight. Love at first sight is meaningless.
Rav Miller, Tape # 609
Makeup used to be commonly referred to as “paint,” if anyone’s wondering.
Joseph: I respectfully request that you put the “footnote” as a “header” so we know it’s not really your own question but a quote from Rav Miller.
Thank you.
It should be לב ,not love at first sight. Use your heart not your head/eyes
This is no longer relevant. Ladies never puff up their hair anymore.
Joseph, another reason I don’t follow Rabbi Miller. The first time I saw my wife to be it was love at first sight. Unlike Rav Miller’s stereotypes, she did not paint her eyes, face or nails. Besides her beauty, what really shone through was her chesed, character and sweetness. We’ve been married 46 wonderful years
Hot topic! I’m already sixth in line.
When a woman thinks that it’s love at first sight, what does she see?
I’m glad this thread is up, because today someone reminded me about how it takes time to know a person, and everyone is on his or her best behavior at first.
Thanks for sharing Joseph! 🙂
If the boy is so shallow that all he can see is makeup and hair perhaps he is not ready to date yet.
Thanks Joseph. I agree that you should put Rav Miller in the subject.
Lightbrite she sees a man who is responsible enough to make a good living and raise children in the derech hashem 🤠
A single relative of mine saw a girl somewhere, decided that he wanted to date her,
and brought it about through a shadchan. They are now married with a child.lesschumras,
Joseph, another reason I don’t follow Rabbi Miller. The first time I saw my wife to be it was love at first sight.
1. I don’t think Rav Miller (and I am assuming that we’re reading a faithful reproduction of his words – I cannot independently verify it to be the case) stated that a man would not have love at first sight upon finding his wife. I would imagine that most men do. The message is that love at first sight is not necessarily an indicator of compatibility for marriage.
2. Ever hear of survivor bias?
Unlike Rav Miller’s stereotypes, she did not paint her eyes, face or nails.
I think this was just a colorful way to address physical beauty vs. inner beauty.
Besides her beauty, what really shone through was her chesed, character and sweetness. We’ve been married 46 wonderful years
That’s wonderful! Did you really see her chesed, character, and sweetness the very first instant you saw her? Or did those middos shine through as you got to know her?
(Ecclesiastes) ראה חיים עם האשה אשר אהבת
Hashem made us want a woman so that we would willingly afterwards put in the necessary work to make a life with her.If she not especially a mirshaas, which although exists, is an unusual exception to the rule, then she has maalos and chesronos. That’s fine. Make a life with her and make sure to grow in marriage. Through having a partner, you will more easily be able to recognize what you need to better yourself in. So will she. If you will grow then she will also. If you will be obstinate and unwilling to change, she will be a klavta. But she’s not really a klavta, but that is her ‘kenegdo’ role.
Rabbi Miller as usual said things with such clarity
Of course people will say that by them it came at first sight and Rabbi Miller knew better than all of us that it could so happen. He just said that many times especially when a young guy meets a girl he goes all crazy over her because of all the external things a woman is to a man and the Rav was saying to look at the inner qualities which most of the time can only happen through a unbiased person such as a mother or aunt… gut shabbos to all
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