May 21, 2017 8:46 pm at 8:46 pm #1282169
A woman named Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man. At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, “My, that’s a beautiful diamond you’re wearing. In fact, I think it’s the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!”
“Thank you,” replies Judy. “This is the Plotnick Diamond.”
“The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?”
“Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse.”
“A curse?” asks the lady. “What curse?”
“Plotnick.”May 21, 2017 10:34 pm at 10:34 pm #1282188
Sam is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Sam is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them mazel tov. Later, Rabbi Landau takes Sam aside and says, “Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?”
“To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure,” Sam replies.
“Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?” asks Rabbi Landau.
“I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi,” Sam replies.
“Is Hetty rich?” he asks.
“I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money,” replies Sam.
“But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, or if you don’t know whether she’s rich, why on earth do you want to marry her?” asks Rabbi Landau.
“She can drive at night,” replies Sam.May 21, 2017 10:36 pm at 10:36 pm #1282200
Marriage is no joke.May 22, 2017 1:42 pm at 1:42 pm #1282638
Shimon and Reuven are playing golf one day at their local golf course. Shimon is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
Reuven says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. Shimon, you truly are a kind man.”
To which Shimon replies, “Well we were married for 35 years.”May 22, 2017 1:56 pm at 1:56 pm #1282631
That may be be true but you can definitely make jokes about marriage…
Just trying to lighten the mood around here…May 22, 2017 2:08 pm at 2:08 pm #1282666
A couple was expecting their first child and signed up for birthing classes.
“Ok everyone,” said the instructor trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.”
“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant. Which husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”
“I will” said the husband, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad,” he said, walking around the room. “I think I could get used to this.”
“Ok”, said the instructor smiling. “Now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”
“You want me to pick it up? Just as I would if I was pregnant?”
“Yes!” said the instructor.
“Honey,” he said turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”May 22, 2017 6:22 pm at 6:22 pm #1282791
“A man doesn’t know what true happiness is until he’s married. And then it’s too late.”
“A man isn’t complete until he’s married. Then, he’s FINISHED.”May 22, 2017 11:23 pm at 11:23 pm #1282950
Very good! I have a lot more but if noone wants to hear or share i’ll keep them to myself…May 22, 2017 11:23 pm at 11:23 pm #1282958
If a woman wants a husband she obviously hasn’t had one.May 22, 2017 11:49 pm at 11:49 pm #1283015
99% of marriage is simply yelling “What?!” from the other roomMay 23, 2017 12:32 am at 12:32 am #1283045
I want to hear! Please!!!May 23, 2017 12:32 am at 12:32 am #1283046
“My wife and I were really happy for 20 years. Then we met.”May 23, 2017 6:39 am at 6:39 am #1283084
I want to marry a Japanese woman. She’d be gracious, respectful, serve great food…and my mother-in-law would live in Tokyo! [Hat tip to Henny Youngman]May 23, 2017 1:55 pm at 1:55 pm #1283498
Wife tells her husband, “I’m short some ingredients for the cake I’m baking, so could you please get some things for me from the supermarket?”
“Of course I can, darling,” he replies. “What do you need?”
“Please get one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.”
Fifteen minutes later, he returns with six cartons of milk.
Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?”
“Because they had eggs,” he replies with a smile.May 23, 2017 2:35 pm at 2:35 pm #1283503
A little boy is at his cousins wedding and asks his mom, “Mommy, why does the bride wear white on her wedding day?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
He thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black?”May 23, 2017 3:10 pm at 3:10 pm #1283491
An old couple in their late 80s called a handyman to do some work around their condo.
“Honey why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper,” she said to her husband of 50 years.
“Sure thing,”he replied, settling himself down.
“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” she asked.
“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup,” he responded.
After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, the handyman who was watching in disbelief couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. He snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Excuse me ma’am. Do you always talk to your husband like that?”
“Son, I’ll be honest with you,” she replied. “It’s been five years now, and I just can’t remember his name but I am just too embarrassed to ask!”May 23, 2017 4:03 pm at 4:03 pm #1283534
Two elderly gentleman are sitting and talking:
“My wife and I went to a wonderful restaurant the other night.”
“Really? What was it called?”
“You know, I can’t remember the name. What’s the name of a red flower that smells nice?”
“Rose – that’s right. Hey Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?”May 23, 2017 8:15 pm at 8:15 pm #1283951
A kid goes to his father and asks him: “Dad, I’ve been wondering about something. Where did people come from?” Dad responds, “Well along time ago, some of the monkeys became humans.”
Kid then goes to Mom and asks: “Mom, where do people come from?” Mom responds: “Well, many years ago, G-d created Adam and Eve and we’re all descended from them.”
“So how come dad told me that we come from monkeys?”
“Simple. He was talking about his side of the family, and I’m talking about mine.”May 24, 2017 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #1284519
Moshe and Leah go out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, Leah notices a tear in Moshe’s eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
“No,” Moshe replies. “I was thinking about the time before we got engaged. Your father threatened me and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”May 24, 2017 3:32 pm at 3:32 pm #1284512
The introduction to this joke is that it’s a joke…
In the Garden of Eden, Adam often wandered the fields until late in the evening. One morning, Eve became suspicious. “Why are you always out so late? Are you seeing another woman?” she asked.
“Nonsense,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman for me. In fact, you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.May 24, 2017 4:55 pm at 4:55 pm #1284686
☢️ 🚭 ☣️ Rand0m3x 🧠🕴️🎲Participant
The “if they have eggs, get six” joke is meant to be about a programmer
(the interpretation is how a computer would process such a command).
(The “50 years in jail” joke presumably didn’t come with Jewish names…)May 24, 2017 5:09 pm at 5:09 pm #1284775
Both meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “no.” They live happily ever after.
Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “yes.” The end.
— Complimentary of a TorahAnytime shiur 🙂May 25, 2017 10:54 pm at 10:54 pm #1286027
On a beautiful Sabbath morning, all of the members of the congregation were praying dutifully in their seats.
Suddenly, at the bimah, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the synagogue except for one man who sits calmly in his seat, seemingly oblivious to what’s going on. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to him and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”
“Yes” he answers.
“Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”
Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years. How much worse could you be?”May 25, 2017 10:54 pm at 10:54 pm #1286029
Oops!!! Just caught my typo!! Sorry… correction:
Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “no.” They live happily ever after.
Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “yes.” The end.
— Complimentary of a TorahAnytime shiur 🙂May 25, 2017 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #1286067
LB: Was it a joke in the shiur?May 25, 2017 11:47 pm at 11:47 pm #1286084
Newt and Callista Gingrich.
Donald and Marla Trump.
Donald and Ivana Trump.May 26, 2017 3:27 am at 3:27 am #1286090
I’m not 100% sure, but 99%ish that it was in early on in this one…
*Dating, Marriage, and Shavuot*
R. Jonathan Rietti (1:03:50) 5/21/2017May 26, 2017 7:24 am at 7:24 am #1286129
R4nd0m3x, the programmer joke goes like this:
Wife asks husband to go to the store, on the way out she adds “oh, and while you’re there, get me a dozen eggs”.
He never returns.May 26, 2017 5:30 pm at 5:30 pm #1286376
I don’t get the programmer joke.May 28, 2017 12:17 am at 12:17 am #1286438
Wife: Had your lunch?
Husband: Had your lunch?
Wife: I’m asking you
Husband: I’m asking you
Wife: You copying me?
Husband: You copying me?
Wife: Let’s go shopping
Husband: I had my lunch.May 28, 2017 12:17 am at 12:17 am #1286439
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.May 28, 2017 12:17 am at 12:17 am #1286440
Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other “do you have to do that right now?”May 28, 2017 12:17 am at 12:17 am #1286441
Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.May 28, 2017 12:17 am at 12:17 am #1286435
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”May 28, 2017 12:17 am at 12:17 am #1286437
Please explain the programmer joke with the eggs, milk, and husband never returning. I asked two other people who also didn’t get it.
Thank youMay 28, 2017 7:36 am at 7:36 am #1286473
It’s all about how a computer program would react to such a command.
In programming languages such as BASIC, a “WHILE” statement introduces a loop that keeps on going for as long as the condition remains fulfilled. After each loop, the program checks to see If the condition is true or false. If the condition is never broken the loop continues forever.
The husband acts like a computer program would and keeps getting a dozen eggs for as long as he’s in the store.
Since the wife only said “WHILE you’re in the store get a dozen eggs” but didn’t provide the husband with specific instructions for when to get out of the store, he goes to the store and acts like a computer i.e. keeps getting eggs a dozen at a time until the store runs out of eggs, at which point the husband promptly prints an error message and crashes.
It’s funnier if you understand it on your own from the start…May 28, 2017 2:23 pm at 2:23 pm #1286789
A couple were recently engaged. All seemed well until he heard some awful rumors about the girl. Eventually he decided to confront her.
“Is it true what I hear?” he asked. “That the only reason why you are marrying me is because my grandfather left me $6 million?”
“Don’t be silly!” she responded , “I couldn’t care less who left it to you.”May 30, 2017 2:37 pm at 2:37 pm #1288492
Sam was out shopping at the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
“So what have you just purchased Abe?” Sam asks.
“Well, now that you’ve asked,” replies Abe, “it’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, ‘Oh, I don’t know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'”
“So what did you get her?” Sam asks.
Abe replies, smiling, “I bought her a pack of cards.”May 30, 2017 2:38 pm at 2:38 pm #1288494
Marvin blackstein – the big boss at his company – was complaining in the staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
“I’m the Boss!”
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”May 30, 2017 3:20 pm at 3:20 pm #1288526
ChadGadya, thank YOU!!!! ☺☺☺
Such an awesome explanation. Now I get it (yay) and last night I explained it to the two other people so they got it too 😊June 4, 2017 2:26 pm at 2:26 pm #1289250
A man goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi.
“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
“What’s wrong?” Asked the Rabbi
“I think my wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
“I’m telling you Rabbi, I’m certain she’s poisoning me! What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls him and says, “Well, I have spoken to your wife – I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
Anxiously he responds, “Yes.”
“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.June 5, 2017 1:03 pm at 1:03 pm #1289593
The biggest shalom bayis issue is that we only listen to a listen to half <that is spoken to us>, understand a quarter, think nothing and answer back double.June 6, 2017 1:50 pm at 1:50 pm #1290173
At the local Talmud Torah School they brought in a fireman to talk about safety. He brought some visual aids with him including a smoke detector. The fireman pressed the button to demonstrate and asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
A little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says, “It means my Abba is cooking dinner.”June 7, 2017 2:54 pm at 2:54 pm #1291494
Moishe and Miriam were sitting down to eat at the dinner table. Miriam commented, “You know, Moishe, when we were first married, you took the small piece of brisket and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore?”
“Nonsense, honey,” replied Moishe, “you just cook better now.”June 7, 2017 2:54 pm at 2:54 pm #1291495
Anyone else have any? I’m kinda running out…June 7, 2017 9:23 pm at 9:23 pm #1291664
bmyer, why the need for more marriage jokes? Are you in charge of a standup routine?June 12, 2017 9:13 pm at 9:13 pm #1294687
My wife and I have a great relationship. She has a communications degree and I have a degree in theatre arts. She communicates really well and I just act like I’m listening.June 12, 2017 9:13 pm at 9:13 pm #1294689
LB: No. But if I was…June 12, 2017 9:44 pm at 9:44 pm #1294711
Lol 🙂 !!!June 13, 2017 2:02 pm at 2:02 pm #1295150
It is well known that after Adam took a bite from the apple, he felt great shame and covered himself with a fig leaf.
Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. What is not as well known is that immediately thereafter, Eve went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore leaf, an oak leaf…
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