marriage jokes 💍😂

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  • #1282169

    bmyer
    Participant

    A woman named Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man. At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, “My, that’s a beautiful diamond you’re wearing. In fact, I think it’s the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!”

    “Thank you,” replies Judy. “This is the Plotnick Diamond.”

    “The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?”

    “Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse.”

    “A curse?” asks the lady. “What curse?”

    “Plotnick.”

    #1282188

    bmyer
    Participant

    Sam is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Sam is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.

    Everyone comes up to wish them mazel tov. Later, Rabbi Landau takes Sam aside and says, “Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?”

    “To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure,” Sam replies.

    “Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?” asks Rabbi Landau.

    “I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi,” Sam replies.

    “Is Hetty rich?” he asks.

    “I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money,” replies Sam.

    “But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, or if you don’t know whether she’s rich, why on earth do you want to marry her?” asks Rabbi Landau.

    “She can drive at night,” replies Sam.

    #1282200

    Joseph
    Participant

    Marriage is no joke.

    #1282638

    bmyer
    Participant

    Shimon and Reuven are playing golf one day at their local golf course. Shimon is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

    He stops in mid-swing, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.

    Reuven says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. Shimon, you truly are a kind man.”

    To which Shimon replies, “Well we were married for 35 years.”

    #1282631

    bmyer
    Participant

    That may be be true but you can definitely make jokes about marriage…
    Just trying to lighten the mood around here…

    #1282666

    bmyer
    Participant

    A couple was expecting their first child and signed up for birthing classes.

    “Ok everyone,” said the instructor trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.”

    “We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant. Which husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”

    “I will” said the husband, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad,” he said, walking around the room. “I think I could get used to this.”

    “Ok”, said the instructor smiling. “Now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”

    “You want me to pick it up? Just as I would if I was pregnant?”

    “Yes!” said the instructor.

    “Honey,” he said turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

    #1282791

    zen3344
    Participant

    “A man doesn’t know what true happiness is until he’s married. And then it’s too late.”

    “A man isn’t complete until he’s married. Then, he’s FINISHED.”

    #1282950

    bmyer
    Participant

    Very good! I have a lot more but if noone wants to hear or share i’ll keep them to myself…

    #1282958

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    If a woman wants a husband she obviously hasn’t had one.

    #1283015

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    99% of marriage is simply yelling “What?!” from the other room

    #1283045

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    I want to hear! Please!!!

    #1283046

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “My wife and I were really happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

    #1283084

    Mrs. D
    Participant

    I want to marry a Japanese woman. She’d be gracious, respectful, serve great food…and my mother-in-law would live in Tokyo! [Hat tip to Henny Youngman]

    #1283498

    bmyer
    Participant

    Wife tells her husband, “I’m short some ingredients for the cake I’m baking, so could you please get some things for me from the supermarket?”

    “Of course I can, darling,” he replies. “What do you need?”

    “Please get one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.”

    Fifteen minutes later, he returns with six cartons of milk.

    Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?”

    “Because they had eggs,” he replies with a smile.

    #1283503

    bmyer
    Participant

    A little boy is at his cousins wedding and asks his mom, “Mommy, why does the bride wear white on her wedding day?”

    His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

    He thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black?”

    #1283491

    bmyer
    Participant

    An old couple in their late 80s called a handyman to do some work around their condo.

    “Honey why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper,” she said to her husband of 50 years.

    “Sure thing,”he replied, settling himself down.

    “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” she asked.

    “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup,” he responded.

    After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, the handyman who was watching in disbelief couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. He snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Excuse me ma’am. Do you always talk to your husband like that?”

    “Son, I’ll be honest with you,” she replied. “It’s been five years now, and I just can’t remember his name but I am just too embarrassed to ask!”

    #1283534

    Meno
    Participant

    Two elderly gentleman are sitting and talking:

    “My wife and I went to a wonderful restaurant the other night.”

    “Really? What was it called?”

    “You know, I can’t remember the name. What’s the name of a red flower that smells nice?”

    “A rose?”

    “Rose – that’s right. Hey Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?”

    #1283951

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    A kid goes to his father and asks him: “Dad, I’ve been wondering about something. Where did people come from?” Dad responds, “Well along time ago, some of the monkeys became humans.”

    Kid then goes to Mom and asks: “Mom, where do people come from?” Mom responds: “Well, many years ago, G-d created Adam and Eve and we’re all descended from them.”

    “So how come dad told me that we come from monkeys?”

    “Simple. He was talking about his side of the family, and I’m talking about mine.”

    #1284519

    bmyer
    Participant

    Moshe and Leah go out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, Leah notices a tear in Moshe’s eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

    “No,” Moshe replies. “I was thinking about the time before we got engaged. Your father threatened me and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”

    #1284512

    bmyer
    Participant

    The introduction to this joke is that it’s a joke…

    In the Garden of Eden, Adam often wandered the fields until late in the evening. One morning, Eve became suspicious. “Why are you always out so late? Are you seeing another woman?” she asked.

    “Nonsense,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman for me. In fact, you’re the only woman on earth.”

    The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

    It was Eve.

    “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

    “Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

    #1284686

    The “if they have eggs, get six” joke is meant to be about a programmer
    (the interpretation is how a computer would process such a command).

    (The “50 years in jail” joke presumably didn’t come with Jewish names…)

    #1284775

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Both meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “no.” They live happily ever after.

    Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “yes.” The end.

    — Complimentary of a TorahAnytime shiur 🙂

    #1286027

    bmyer
    Participant

    On a beautiful Sabbath morning, all of the members of the congregation were praying dutifully in their seats.

    Suddenly, at the bimah, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the synagogue except for one man who sits calmly in his seat, seemingly oblivious to what’s going on. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to him and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”
    “Yes” he answers.
    “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”
    “Nope.”
    Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

    “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years. How much worse could you be?”

    #1286029

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Oops!!! Just caught my typo!! Sorry… correction:

    Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “no.” They live happily ever after.

    Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “yes.” The end.

    — Complimentary of a TorahAnytime shiur 🙂

    #1286067

    bmyer
    Participant

    LB: Was it a joke in the shiur?

    #1286084

    huju
    Participant

    Newt and Callista Gingrich.

    Donald and Marla Trump.

    Donald and Ivana Trump.

    #1286090

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    bmyer: Yes.

    I’m not 100% sure, but 99%ish that it was in early on in this one…

    *Dating, Marriage, and Shavuot*
    R. Jonathan Rietti (1:03:50) 5/21/2017

    #1286129

    ChadGadya
    Participant

    R4nd0m3x, the programmer joke goes like this:
    Wife asks husband to go to the store, on the way out she adds “oh, and while you’re there, get me a dozen eggs”.
    He never returns.

    #1286376

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    I don’t get the programmer joke.

    #1286438

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Wife: Had your lunch?
    Husband: Had your lunch?
    Wife: I’m asking you
    Husband: I’m asking you
    Wife: You copying me?
    Husband: You copying me?
    Wife: Let’s go shopping
    Husband: I had my lunch.

    #1286439

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

    #1286440

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other “do you have to do that right now?”

    #1286441

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

    #1286435

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

    “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

    “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

    #1286437

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Please explain the programmer joke with the eggs, milk, and husband never returning. I asked two other people who also didn’t get it.

    Thank you

    #1286473

    ChadGadya
    Participant

    It’s all about how a computer program would react to such a command.
    In programming languages such as BASIC, a “WHILE” statement introduces a loop that keeps on going for as long as the condition remains fulfilled. After each loop, the program checks to see If the condition is true or false. If the condition is never broken the loop continues forever.
    The husband acts like a computer program would and keeps getting a dozen eggs for as long as he’s in the store.
    Since the wife only said “WHILE you’re in the store get a dozen eggs” but didn’t provide the husband with specific instructions for when to get out of the store, he goes to the store and acts like a computer i.e. keeps getting eggs a dozen at a time until the store runs out of eggs, at which point the husband promptly prints an error message and crashes.

    It’s funnier if you understand it on your own from the start…

    #1286789

    bmyer
    Participant

    A couple were recently engaged. All seemed well until he heard some awful rumors about the girl. Eventually he decided to confront her.

    “Is it true what I hear?” he asked. “That the only reason why you are marrying me is because my grandfather left me $6 million?”

    “Don’t be silly!” she responded , “I couldn’t care less who left it to you.”

    #1288492

    bmyer
    Participant

    Sam was out shopping at the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

    “So what have you just purchased Abe?” Sam asks.

    “Well, now that you’ve asked,” replies Abe, “it’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, ‘Oh, I don’t know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'”

    “So what did you get her?” Sam asks.

    Abe replies, smiling, “I bought her a pack of cards.”

    #1288494

    bmyer
    Participant

    Marvin blackstein – the big boss at his company – was complaining in the staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

    “I’m the Boss!”

    He then taped it to his office door.

    Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

    “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

    #1288526

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    ChadGadya, thank YOU!!!! ☺☺☺

    Such an awesome explanation. Now I get it (yay) and last night I explained it to the two other people so they got it too 😊

    #1289250

    bmyer
    Participant

    A man goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi.

    “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

    “What’s wrong?” Asked the Rabbi

    “I think my wife is poisoning me.”

    The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

    “I’m telling you Rabbi, I’m certain she’s poisoning me! What should I do?”

    The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

    A week later the Rabbi calls him and says, “Well, I have spoken to your wife – I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

    Anxiously he responds, “Yes.”

    “Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.

    #1289593

    The biggest shalom bayis issue is that we only listen to a listen to half <that is spoken to us>, understand a quarter, think nothing and answer back double.

    #1290173

    bmyer
    Participant

    At the local Talmud Torah School they brought in a fireman to talk about safety. He brought some visual aids with him including a smoke detector. The fireman pressed the button to demonstrate and asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

    A little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says, “It means my Abba is cooking dinner.”

    #1291494

    bmyer
    Participant

    Moishe and Miriam were sitting down to eat at the dinner table. Miriam commented, “You know, Moishe, when we were first married, you took the small piece of brisket and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore?”

    “Nonsense, honey,” replied Moishe, “you just cook better now.”

    #1291495

    bmyer
    Participant

    Anyone else have any? I’m kinda running out…

    #1291664

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    bmyer, why the need for more marriage jokes? Are you in charge of a standup routine?

    #1294687

    bmyer
    Participant

    My wife and I have a great relationship. She has a communications degree and I have a degree in theatre arts. She communicates really well and I just act like I’m listening.

    #1294689

    bmyer
    Participant

    LB: No. But if I was…

    #1294711

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Lol 🙂 !!!

    #1295150

    bmyer
    Participant

    It is well known that after Adam took a bite from the apple, he felt great shame and covered himself with a fig leaf.

    Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. What is not as well known is that immediately thereafter, Eve went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore leaf, an oak leaf…

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