marrying a good boy who might not be good enough for you

Home Forums Decaffeinated Coffee marrying a good boy who might not be good enough for you

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 139 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #619304
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    As everyone now knows reb shidduch is looking for a boy learning full time. What about if a guy really wants reb shidduch and he might not deserve reb shidduch because reb shidduch is too good for him as in that he went OTD before and now came back on and tries becoming as frum as he can for reb shidduch. Would it be okay for reb shidduch to date someone like this even if he does not want to learn full time and he went OTD and came back on and is trying to be as frum as he can for reb shidduch?

    #1220588
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    What’s with third person?

    #1220589
    TheGoq
    Participant

    He should want to be frum for himself not for someone else.

    #1220590
    Avram in MD
    Participant

    I don’t think rebshidduch can determine whether someone “deserves” rebshidduch or not. This “guy” may be good for rebshidduch, he may not be. However, Avram in MD is concerned about the idea of “trying” to be frum “for” rebshidduch. If a “guy” tries to be something he does not want to be for rebshidduch, he may CV”S come to resent rebshidduch down the road.

    #1220591
    misteryudi
    Participant

    The guy should go OTD again, this time along with reb shidduch, and then both of them should come back on, and reb shidduch should learn full time, and the guy should spend all day posting here about shadchanim, and then they’ll both be perfectly suited for each other. Mazel tov.

    #1220592
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Avram, he already is frum just modern. He would become much more religious than just mo is that okay?

    #1220593
    Meno
    Participant

    Just make sure to get everything in writing so that everyone is on the same page about how frum everyone else is supposed to be.

    And make sure to use precise legal terms, such as “MO” and “OTD”

    #1220594
    Avram in MD
    Participant

    rebshidduch,

    Avram, he already is frum just modern. He would become much more religious than just mo is that okay?

    I cannot answer that question; only you can. Why does he want to become “much more religious”, and are those reasons ok with you?

    #1220595
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Avram, he would become more religious for me. But I am curious why would he say he wants to become a rabbi and how all guys want me and how it should be easy for me to get a good shidduch when he knows I want someone learning full time?

    #1220596
    Meno
    Participant

    So let me get this straight.

    You’re looking for a guy who learns full time, and you’re asking if you should date someone who’s otd but would become more religious just so he can date you?

    You sound very confused. Reminds me of another poster from a few months back…

    #1220597
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Meno, that is not what I am asking. I am asking about a guy who is already religious but would become even more so and maybe even a rabbi just or me and anyways I am going to shadchanim anyways.

    #1220598
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Aren’t we all confused…

    Meno-there’s a new one every few months or so. There always is. They always listen, stay for a few weeks, don’t hear any adivce, and disapear off the face of the planet, except the ones that stay…like me!

    #1220599
    Meno
    Participant

    Hmm. So he would become a Rabbi just so he could date you?

    I would still say you sound confused.

    #1220600
    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    I guess it depends what is meant by OTD- does it mean he smoked in the past but will give it up for rebshidduch?

    #1220601
    reuventree555
    Participant

    “Avram, he would become more religious for me. But I am curious why would he say he wants to become a rabbi and how all guys want me and how it should be easy for me to get a good shidduch when he knows I want someone learning full time?”

    Ummm. I think there’s several very plausible explanations for why he is willing to change for you:

    1) He finds you attractive

    2) He finds you attractive and he thinks that he only needs to temporarily change until you get married to him then he can do whatever he wants

    3) He finds you attractive so he’ll say anything to get you to go out with him

    Are you seeing a pattern? If you’re really looking for a full time kollel guy- then why are you wasting time dealing with People that don’t fit what you’re looking for?

    #1220603
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Is the issue that he is saying that he will learn, and it is only because you want him to?

    If so, that is a terrible idea. You can’t learn full-time if you don’t want to.

    Or is your question as follows: He is not planning on learning full-time, and I want a learning boy, but I like him, so should I go out with him even though he is not learning full-time?

    #1220604
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Winnie, no way worse as in he even got a tattoo and he for whatever the reason decided for all people to show it off to me so of course I gave him my halachic decision on that.

    #1220605
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    reuventree, I agree but I have tried going thru shadchanim but they are all so horrible (as in no time for me) so I decided that maybe if I somehow meet someone then maybe I should date him and give him potential to become a rabbi?

    #1220606
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    I was one of those posters a few months back

    #1220607
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Don’t do it rebshidduch.

    You cannot make him into someone else.

    There are many beautiful stories about women fixing up their men to become Torah scholars. They are meant to teach lessons but not meant to say that any guy will blossom into a Talmud Chacham so long as the right girl supports him.

    Sorry for telling you so directly. I am not right and don’t know.

    But what I hear from you is the attempt to bring matters into your own hands and find yourself a husband. So your friends brother or brothers friend isn’t the right age. So that didn’t work. Now this guy.

    I need to press send here before the Mods clip it.

    #1220608
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    It is not your job to make him into a rabbi or something else.

    It is your job to find a life partner who will share your goals and values. He is nm his own person too. You want someone who wants what you want to begin with. Imho. It doesn’t guarantee anything but you start with a foundation.

    Btw I am also in shidduchim and have been learning this along the way. I was in a very unpleasant situation where I was going to change for the guy and it was too much pressure and it felt like drowning. Imho give that guy a chance to find his beshert. Give yourself the gift of finding yours.

    #1220609
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    I’m sorry it is taking time. I know.

    What’s beautiful about you is that you’re open-minded and see potential in others.

    That’s wonderful.

    You don’t marry potential though. That’s one thing I learned. If anyone wants to counter me then please do.

    I also want to learn more from the CR Yentas ?

    #1220610
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Reuven – +1,000 – you seem to have gotten it on the mark!

    rebshidduch – somehow meeting someone can be great if you happen to somehow end up meeting someone who makes sense for you (yeah, that was always my dream since I was a teenager (sigh) – I do know several people whom it happened to), but if the guy isn’t right for you – bad idea.

    Your posts actually lend support to the reasoning behind going to a shadchan instead of just “meeting someone”. If you go through a shadchan, you are unlikely to fall for a guy who is all wrong for you, since you are unlikely to meet such guys. But if you “just somehow meet someone” the danger is that you end up marrying someone all wrong for you.

    #1220611
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    686 characters with spaces! Pretty good! I had been nervous about that one!

    Lu – +314

    #1220612
    bmyer
    Participant

    if you actually want a shtark guy its prob not a good idea to be meeting up with your old boyfriend / aquaintance…

    #1220613
    Meno
    Participant

    Are you serious?

    #1220614
    reuventree555
    Participant

    I agree that using shadchanim can be tough. But don’t settle for less. Never think about marrying someone because they have potential. Because if they don’t reach it- then you’ll have big problems. Also, don’t marry someone as a chesed. Again- that’s a bad idea…

    #1220615
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    bmyer, I jut met this guy a few weeks ago. I never had a boy friend b’h because I do not unfortunately trust guys. There is a reason why I want to be set up by a shadchan.

    #1220616
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Meno who are you asking?

    #1220617
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Meno – who was that in response to? Reb shidduch’s last post? I think the others weren’t up yet when you wrote that, but I’m not sure.

    #1220618
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Lilmod, I would love to be set up by a shadchan. Any suggestions of shadchanim?

    #1220619
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    lightbrite, I have no intention of becoming more modern for him. But I have thought this over and unless I take control he may make me more modern and I have no support over here to make him more religious. I just became much more religious and now this guy pops up.

    #1220620
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Okay here goes, I am very disturbed after today. I do not not know what to do and I want to get out of this situation and not have anything to do with this anymore. But, I do not know how to and their is no one there to support me. One friend thinks it is okay which obviously she is a bad influence and the other one is trying to help me by giving me advice but I already used the advice and it did not work. What should I do?

    #1220621
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    the moderators said they probably wont post shadchan suggestions. I also don’t think I know any who are the right type for you. I mainly know shadchanim who work with older singles. I would think that is something you could find out on your own.

    Also, I really think you need to speak to a mentor/Rav/Rebbetzin before you go to a shadchan. Maybe once you’ve done that, they can help you to find the right type of shadchan for you.

    #1220622
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    First off he somehow convinces me to put not Jewish music on. Then he has the nerve and chutzpah to ask me to hang out with him.

    #1220623
    bmyer
    Participant

    just sounds suspicous you “meet” a guy he falls in love and shows you his tattoo and is becoming a rabbi all in a few weeks and your not dating… (yet)

    #1220624
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    You shouldn’t date him if you think you’re better than him because such a relationship won’t work.

    #1220625
    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Maybe this is a nisayon?

    #1220626
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    bmyer – What do you mean not dating yet? We never went out together b’h otherwise the situation would be much worse than what it is now. I do not want a guy like him. And if he thinks were dating or if he thinks we might end up dating then the situation is that much worse. I talk about moving to lakewood and marrying a full time learner all the time in front of him. Why would he think he even has a chance?

    #1220627
    bmyer
    Participant

    if he shouldnt think so why should you?? you just answered your own question…

    #1220628
    bmyer
    Participant

    the fact that your asking means you either feel desperate or lonely, have a little faith, get your priorities in order and be’h you’ll find the right one soon

    #1220629
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    bmyer, I was telling you about the comments and what he was doing in order to get me to hang out with him and then that would lead to other stuff that is how it works.

    #1220630
    bmyer
    Participant

    btw theres singles events on a reagular basis in lakewood so ask around…

    edited. And yes.

    #1220632

    One username at a time

    #1220633
    bmyer
    Participant

    its a friend who is bothering me block him please do not block me

    #1220634
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    bmyer, Amen. I really hope that I find the right one very soon. I will have to say I am desperate. I have wanted to get married for so long and worked so hard to find the right one and still have not found him unfortunately. The reasons why I would never go with him are obvious. Look at the kind of girlfriend his brother has that is the kind of girl he needs not me.

    #1220635
    bmyer
    Participant

    so your question is settled?

    #1220636
    AgainstTheTide
    Participant

    Reb shidduch. There is an amazing shadchan in the monsey area. Her last name is Lehrman. Get her number and get in touch with her. I think she can Really help

    #1220637
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    bmyer, no, this was not about helping me determine if he was my besheret or not that I knew he was not. The question was how to make him stop saying inappropriate things to me?

    #1220638
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Against the tide, thank you. I will try to iyh.

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 139 total)
  • The topic ‘marrying a good boy who might not be good enough for you’ is closed to new replies.