Maybe I Just Shouldn't Say Kaddish?

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    >>if you dont pay him I will kill you myself<<

    Really? Can someone explain how a person who is dead can kill someone himself???? The fact he came to her in a dream is possible, but only if he got permission from up high to appear in her dream. But to kill her himself? Doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.


    In previous generations, Only one person would say Kaddish in the entire shul. That all mourners say Kaddish is a very recent innovention what zahavasdad said, is the only response addressing your legitimate concerns wolfish musing; Hence:- How about attending a Minyan, where only 1 person recites any given Kaddish as per original Takono. Some Shuls, such as Breuer’s, still rigorously adhere to this practice, so this would be a wonderful venue for your wolfish musing, to see out your remaining 5 months.



    Trying to find a Shul where only one person recites Kaddish is hard to find and even when you do there is no guarantee that a stranger wouldn’t enter in the middle of kaddish and start reciting it, which happened to me many times.

    Another thing that can be done is that EVERYDAY give a small coin(it can be as little as a penny or as much as you want)to charity in the name of the deceased.


    In my minyan, someone with some form of cerebral palsy is saying kaddish. All those who say kaddish go slowly along with him, with one person standing right next to him to help set the pace for everyone else. Kaddish D’Rabbanan can take 5 minutes. Nobody cares. Plenty of minyanim one can say kaddish at a slow pace. Come to ours.


    Thank you all for your words of kindness and support. I didn’t mean to leave this thread without contributing, but factors prevented me from fully participating.

    In the end, whenever I say Kaddish without really thinking about the meaning of the words, it almost feels like I brought a korbon to HKBH — but of only the skin. Without the meaning, the words are hollow and empty, with no real substance. Like the skin when stuffed or inflated, it may seem real, and it may even fool some people, but in the end, it doesn’t fool HKBH. (I often feel the same way when davening Shmoneh Esrei without the proper kavanah as well.)

    I don’t really want to go to the bimah for several reasons. First of all, the other people saying kaddish are (to the best of my knowledge) all members of one family. It is not for me to intrude myself upon their family grief. Just because I am going through something similar does not, automatically, grant me rights to insert myself into their family and their proceedings.

    In addition, going to the bimah implies an importance of myself and my kaddish which, truthfully, I just don’t feel. I’m the type of person who would much rather sit in the back corner (yes, in my weekday shul, I literally sit in the back corner as far away from the center of the shul as possible) and be paid no attention whatsoever. If I didn’t actually have to say kaddish, no one would probably even know that I was there in the morning.

    Lastly, going to the bimah and saying it slowly and “forcing” them to slow down to my pace would be imposing *my* way of doing something on them — and I’m certainly not the right person to be doing that.

    In truth, I guess I was just really upset the day I posted this, and I probably let it get to me far more than I should have. I probably should not have vented my frustrations here.

    Again, thank you for the kind and supporting words. May you all have a k’siva v’chasima tova.

    The Wolf


    But you are important. You’re a person too.


    “and I’m certainly not the right person to be doing that.”

    That would be the job of the Rav. What is his take on the matter?


    as the gabbai of our shul i try to set the pace for kaddish, or if there are aveilim(as gabbai I say for different people)i let them set the pace unless there are unfortunately many and it becomes a baal hagan. then I say it loud enough so people follow me. By the way telz also has the minhag of one person saying kaddish. Best thing talk to the Rov. Once i remember the rov told a gentleman to stand on the bima and everyone followed him.


    I just started saying Kaddish for the first time. After listening to it for years I didn’t know I was going to trip and stumble over so many words, and stammer with the words that I didn’t trip and stumble over. It’s a tense experience. But I struggle through it, anyway, some days better than others.

    If my Kaddish recitation is straggling behind, it’s up to those who will care to hear and respond or not to say their responses. I did the same for others when there would be two or three differently-paced Kaddishes being said. Either someone will respond or they won’t, but that’s on them, not me. It’s hard enough for me, bearing the brunt of a major loss and then struggling to say a common prayer out loud, mumbling and mispronouncing and correcting my words.

    As for kavanah and knowing what I’m saying, that’s what the rest of the day is for, to study the words that we daven so that we can say those words in their original language that those prayers were written in.

    I disagree with finding a different minyan. If you have a minyan, stay with it, that is your place. “Some cars run more smoothly than others, but they are all cars.”

    Better to feel awkward in this world, that it be a kaporah, than have something meted out in the next.

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