Mechila- Making the first move

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    Theres something I would like to share with you. There was a relative of mine who I had some real harsh words with over the past year and it had really bothered me at the time but I couldnt bring myself to apologize during the year. To be perfectly fair the issues were not started by me and the person isnt always the easiest person to deal with socially and we have a history if arguing and making up so I didnt feel like I had to apologize and it didnt bother me much. Well as it got to within the last hours before Yom Kippur my conscience was bugging me and I knew I had to rise above and do what was right. Even if I wasnt the instigator, I still retorted with some very inappropriate comments that required asking Mechilah. My thoughts were “if I dont make that call it will haunt me all YK.”

    Well I made the call and we asked Mechilah from each other and I want to say that it felt great it literally felt like a load was taken off of my heart and I felt cleansed.

    My point of telling my story is, if there is anyone in your life, especially a family member who you have said things to that require an apology, dont push it off any longer. Just because YK is over doesnt mean you cant ask Mechilah. You will feel so good for making the move especially if you go out of your way and be the good one and make the first move.

    A gut gebenched yur to all!


    Wow that is beautiful. We should all learn from you.


    WIY, nice one.

    Aishes Chayil

    Beautiful story!

    Unfortunatley the outcome is not always so positive. I know someone who has been asking mechillah for the past 5 yrs and the person REFUSES to be moichel them.


    aishes chayil – that person is absolved from asking any more; you only have to ask three times.


    Aishes Chayil:

    It is disingenuous to assume that you know the rationale of the one who is REFUSING to grant mechilah.

    Are you SURE that the one who is refusing to grant mechilah wasn’t harmed financially because of the comments made by the person apologizing?

    Are you SURE that the person didn’t suffer a breakup of other relationships as a result of the comments made by the offending party?

    Are you SURE that the forgiveness is being asked in the proper way?

    For the aggrieved party to hear ‘excuses’, ‘forgive and forget’, ‘it’s time to move on’, ‘it’s your problem for holding a grudge for such a long time’, etc. that infuriates them even more. Similarly, if the ‘apology’ only comes on Erev Yom Kippur, it’s a feel-good thing for the one asking the ‘apology’ and is frankly meaningless.

    Another point…

    Did the person say “NO, I’M NOT MOCHEL”, or did he hang up, slam the door, walk away, etc.? THESE AREN’T THE SAME. Saying that he’s not mochel means the onus is on the person to apologize in a meningful way. The other actions means the onus is on person to KEEP AWAY and leave the aggrieved person alone.


    If he asked for mechilla properly, and asked so many times, it’s inappropriate that the person refuse it.


    i have a maaseh. a guy i was with in yeshiva baaveled me for about a year straight. he acted disgusting towards me and wouldnt treat me like a normal person. hes the very intimidating type and i dont get intimadated,so i think he wasnt used to it and acted accordingly to feel dominant. i really have never in my life seen such terrible middos, or a person with so much to learn. needless to say i didnt want to have a strained relationship with a guy that i was near all day so i planned on asking mechila. i spoke to mutual friends (im honestly surprised he has any) who were aware of the issue and asked them how to proceed. they all told me it was totally not kidai,but i didnt listen and did it anyway. ill never forget his answer “Gimme a break; you havent got one real bone in your body” i left it at that. he actually didnt utter a word directed at me from then on. point is, its nice in theory, but some people are just nuts.

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