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A friend recently confided that she had a number of opportunities to meet the girl her son was dating prior to their getting engaged. She felt much more confident and happy about the shidduch simply because there were fewer unknowns about the mystery girl. Due to the special circumstances in this case, the future m.i.l. meeting the girl was not viewed as any official statement and it was a natural and integral part of the dating. I imagine that had the shidduch turned in a different direction, there may have been ill feelings, but in this case everything worked out beautifully. It made me think of the awful and unnatural meetings I have had with prospectives my children were dating. They were always very stiff, charged with stress and anxiety, with both the older adults and the younger adults on edge and afraid to say the wrong thing. How nice it could have been if these meetings would be more laid back, informal and comfortable. Perhaps it is something to adopt to a certain extent from the more “modern” crowds – a chance to see the qualities that your son/daughter is trying to describe or issues s/he is encountering that no amount of inquiries would shed as much light on them as a brief face to face encounter in a conducive atmosphere.
I agree that the time to meet your child’s prospective mate is during the dating period.
We met our children’s mates after the 2nd date and before the 4th. In all cases it was not a formal meeting of Mrs. CTL and I and the you young people in out living room…too stiff and uncomfortable for all involved.
We arranged for couple to attend a Sunday late afternoon BBQ or meal at our home that included other relatives and friends of the couple. In fact, to make it more comfortable we had our child ask the date to bring a few friends as possibles for our other children or invitees. We watched the social interaction of the young people as a whole and had limited but satisfying interaction with the target bride/groom.
This worked well for 4 of 5 children.
The other son in law was the child of friends and we had watched him grow up and didn’t require such a meeting.For a younger couple (in their late teens) its probably better for the boy’s parents to meet their future daughter-in-law since boys of this age may be impulsive and would benefit from parental advice.. For boys in the 20s and 30s, maybe less important.
We met our now son-in-law about 2 months after he began dating our daughter. We met them at a restaurant. He was in the IDF at the time, so he showed up with his rifle and his pistol. I’ve joked with him since then that it was backwards, the girl’s father is supposed to show up with the gun. (He also found a “permission to date my daughter” form online, which he printed out and filled in humorously. We still have it.)
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